tallulah

I went for a walk because my head was thinking and I wanted to go and clear my mind rather than get into a conversation with him. If I had been around that would have happened so I removed myself from the space and went to clear my head. To process my feelings. Get some serenity. Nothing like a brisk walk to clear away the cobwebs.

He knows I'm not going to go out without keys. He knows I'm not 'ok': who in this situation would be.

It's all BS.

Thanks for your reply Glenna. Thank God for you guys and letting me vent in a safe place. Sometimes I give the benefit of the doubt and I did here... but it's just more stupid games huh. I'm beginning to think he is engineering things just to hear I'm not ok.

JenT1968

it is difficult to stay in a situation with another person when you are splitting up. This won't last forever, and then, once there is distance, neither of you will have to walk so much of a tightrope: its difficult renegotiating those boundaries when moment by moment you don't know where you are. The sense that this is a tamporary state is what I am hanging on to with my H.

I am trying to let his behaviour and feelings wash over me and keep a serene core (that's not to say I don't feel anger or hurt sometimes, and when I do I feel them) but his actions are affecting my feelings much less and my activities far less than that. I'm not sure how it has happened, but I'm very grateful it finally is happening to some extent.

I have been very guilty of playing games in the past, it's almost the only way I knew how to get things done I'm trying so hard not to now, and it is very hard sometimes, I still slip and not notice, and then afterwards when I examine my motives I realise that part of my motivation was to try and engineer a feeling in someone else.

Can I ask what you do plan to do in the longer term?

JenT1968

ahhhh, sod it, I'm going to "say what I mean"

I say this with love and through the filter of my own masters in game playing.

from what you have said are you sure you BOTH aren't getting sucked into each others games?

when he asked you where you were going to stay and you said "I don't know", was there a tiny portion of you that chose that answer rather than "I have a few options" which is equally true, to make him feel something? to make him see what he has done?

or you went out this morning before he got up, and weren't back before he went to work, unusually and without leaving a note, was there a teensy bit of you that wondered if he'd notice or be worried?

you are the only one who knows, I may be completely off base, but I know I often do things that I think are with the most honourable intentions, and then when I look back, I see that they weren't quite so golden.....

I'm clinging on to the hope that its a lot easier when it isn't in your face all the time.

:ghug3

tallulah

Thanks for your reply ceri :ghug

That is my point to him. It is difficult to stay here. He says I have been distant for a year so it should be no problem for me but it is. The good news about recovery is you get your feelings back: the bad news is you get your feelings back. And so my feelings are back but I have to let go of them and put one foot in front of the other and move forward. There is no point in trying to work out a relationship when the other person does not want to work it out. So I leave and move on. To do that means leaving. It would be impossible to be around someone I love who does not want to make it work.

Largely I do let it wash over me. His recent thawing and saying he didn't think he wanted me to leave lead to some understanding but I kind of knew he would probably swing back to 'it's over' again. I know he has things to say to me but he will not communicate and so I have accepted that and I am just doing what I can for me.

I too have played games in the past. I'm not a natural game player but it is so easy to get into tit-for-tat with someone like this A. I don't want to do it anymore. I'm being very careful not to do it here. Sometimes I think I get suckered in but I suppose at least I recognise it and pull back. It is hard and I know what you are going through.

In the longer term I plan to be happy or contented. What that looks like right now I don't know but what I have to do to achieve that is work on me.

tallulah

I know you say this with love.. :ghug

When he asked me where I was going I said I don't know. Mainly because I genuinely don't and partly because I wouldn't want him to know if I did. The latter is part of my 'moving on' feeling. Just leaving it behind and striking forward.

My motives for going for a walk this morning were purely selfish. My head was mashed, I felt like I wanted to talk to him but I knew that it would serve no purpose and probably end in cross words and me feeling crappy for the rest of the day. So I thought, I can change this (serenity prayer working) and go out for a walk and clear my head and remove myself from the temptation to talk to no avail. I honestly didn't expect him to even notice I had gone. And if he did notice I honestly didn't expect him to contact me. A flash of 'he cares' went through me when he texted 'where are you?' but it actually made me feel (and this is going to sound odd) like 'oh no'. See I know how he will interpret it. He will probably just think I was being dramatic and gameplaying when in fact the furthest thing was on my mind. I just needed air and calm and to get away and cry. But his interpretation is not anything I can control or change all I know is what was going on with me when I decided to go for a walk.