naive

hi tallulah-

just offering feedback here. you seem very emotional. it's understandable, but just be careful what you say or decide whilst emotional. it will pass. i find when i am emotional, silence is always the right choice for me. whatever needs to be said can be said after it passes, which it always does. also, for me, in going through all these changes, i have made a decision to not drink at all, as i need all of my wits and self-control right now.

it would probably be easier for you if you can move without his involvement. i think it will be very difficult for the two of you, together, to move your gear. i understand it's probably a financial decision but you might to have a plan for how your going to deal with it. maybe a third party there with you?

it is notable that his mood changed when you started to take some action.

tallulah

Hi twinnie.. :ghug3

Reading back it hurt and disappointed me too. And kind of made me angry.. with myself more than him. But anger in this situation only hurts me.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. And for your story. It is inspirational.

You are quite right. I am worth more than wishy-washy and deserve some commitment or action. Words are cheap: it is not what people say but what they do we remember and that is what I am focussing on now.

xxx

Glenna9802

Don't be mad at yourself. You stuck to your guns in an emotional situation and didn't fold. I like naive's idea of spending a little extra (if you can) and not having him involved in the move at all. I just worry that if he is, there's going to be more attempts at manipulation.

Break-ups really hurt, be gentle with yourself. Wish I could bring you some Haagen-Dazs

tallulah

Thank you naive. :ghug

Yeah I guess I am emotional. Understandable I suppose. I'm trying not to use that feeling as some internal bat to beat myself with and use it as impetus to move forward.

Moving day will be hard for both of us. I can't control how he feels. But I can keep myself focussed and putting one foot in front of the other. Unfortunately, it will be just both of us moving my stuff but apart from the obvious emotional aspects of it I am going to see it as a move onwards and upwards. Any time I feel sad I'm going to remember this too shall pass and approach it as a positive rather than a negative.

Yes it is notable how he lurches from one thing to another. But fool me once shame on him, fool me twice shame on me. His emotions are his to own. He has a voice with which he can speak but he chooses not to. There is nothing I can do about that. His response of 'not pleasant' is absolutely right. It isn't a pleasant situation. But my response to that was 'Why? It is what it is and it is what you want. Just remember that and I'm sure you will feel fine about it'. I am not going to get into mind games or reiterate what I have already said. He knows what we need to do to see if our relationship could work. I have done my 'what if' and articulated it. The ownership of his response is entirely his.

tallulah

Moving without his involvement would be the ideal. Irony is that the quicker option is the one I have.. so I'm going to treat it like ripping a plaster off.. painful but quicker (lol). One thing I can't do is be manipulated anymore. He knows my position. He knows staying = working and I can't go back to that place I was before I walked in the rooms. That is just not an option for me.

I'll try very hard to be gentle with me. Look after myself and keep working my programme. I know it is going to be hard but with courage I can do this.

Ice-cream is a good idea. That will be my treat for tonight.

Jadmack25

You are in the middle of a painful time in your life, and have kept faith with yourself and your needs, even in the hurt of his wishy washy behavior.

You are in my heart and in my prayers,
God bless

tallulah

that is lovely.. might make me cry.. but wonderful..

thank you

JenT1968

:ghug

tallulah

awww thank you Ceridwen.. :ghug3

you guys are great.. :ghug

tallulah

Insanity is doing the same thing again and again expecting a different outcome..

This situation is insanity. The A (and I say that because he is not my A anymore and I never really liked that expression) went quiet. Stupidly I texted to say 'you ok?'. He has responded with 'Don't know. Just got back from lunch. How are you?'

My response? 'Good thanks'. Because I am good.

I can see this for exactly what it is. I have had an epiphany. This is a game. Playing the same moves. Am I supposed to feel terrible and prostrate myself before him? Am I supposed to say my heart is breaking and I wish you would give it a try. I've just realised that I have been speaking about me, about what I know about letting go and having the serenity to accept things I cannot change and courage to change the things I can and none of it has made a scrap of difference. How can you expect a different result when the other person is still playing the same warped tapes?

Jeeeez, that has just hit me like a bat around the head.

naive

perhaps chill out on the texting, tallulah? i know its hard. are you playing the game too by texting?

you don't need to text him. even i know what he'll respond....

he'll say "i don't know."

tallulah

Yep.. I am.

Hence my insanity post. He sends a text saying he has done what was supposed to be done. I text ok. He sends a text saying it wasn't pleasant. I send a text saying to all intents and purposes it is what it is. And so it goes on.

I've had my final word on the text thing. I've told him I have no regrets for being honest and as far as all this is concerned my side of the street is clean. That's it for me now. I may have been partly drawn in by the bait but I've swum back out again.

My concentration now is focussed on getting me a temporary place to stay when I leave and putting things in place. In fact I don't even really want to see him until Saturday, so I will be doing my utmost to avoid contact with him until then.

Freedom1990

It's the proverbial circle-jerk conversation-one with which I am all too familiar because my mother likes to engage in those!

When I terminate the conversation, which I always do because I know the end result if I don't, it feels so darned good.

tallulah

LOL.. that pretty much sums it up..

TakingCharge999

Hi tallulah,
Wondering if you can invite a "friend" or neighbor during that day..
When a 3rd party is there you cannot entangle and the atmosphere changes....
Just an idea
I am glad you are focused

tallulah

Hi dreamer..

You know what. I'll be ok. It'll be hard but positive. And I know this after what has happened tonight.

Tonight he expressed concern about where I was going to be/live. I've told him it is none of his concern and that is my problem. He thinks I should just move the stuff I don't need out and stay here until I have more concrete things in place. He doesn't seem to understand that the situation is impossible and while it'll be tough for a while, the temporary solution is preferable to being in this situation. At least I'm doing something to get my life back on track.

I told him it would be very difficult for me to share space with him and he said well you have been distant for a year it should be no problem. I told him I've changed, I can't stuff my feelings anymore and being in this situation is more painful than what lies ahead. To which he replied that I am still the same person and I can't have changed that much.

I'm actually smiling at that now. How little he knows how much change has gone on in me in just 4 weeks. And I'm smiling because it has made a difference in me and I can feel it. I can actually feel a little seed of recovery.

TakingCharge999

tallulah

awwww ty... too..

I still have a BIG grin on my face.

tallulah

Oh it just gets better and better...

Last night he asked me where I was going when I leave. I said I don't know (I have places I can crash but I've made no firm decision about where at the moment). His bright idea is that I move my stuff out to storage and keep just what I need here and move myself out when I have things more 'sorted'. Apparently on a 'human' level he is worried about me.

I've told him that staying another week or another year won't make a difference. I can't stay in that limbo. He kept going on and on and on about how I was being dramatic and ridiculous and that I can't just leave without firm plans. I told him that I can't stay.

How can I stay? Stuck in this no-man's land, in a space with my ex. How am I supposed to move on like that?!

Anyway he went to his meeting and I was in my room when he got back. No contact and grateful sleep.

This morning I woke early. I felt very emotional and so decided to have a walk and watch the day break. I don't know why but I just needed to get some fresh air and quiet my mind. So I went out. He was still sleeping.

He texted me. 'Where are you?' Then there was a phonecall which went to voicemail. It said he was walking to the train station to go to work and that he hoped I had keys as the door was locked.

I deliberated about responding but I thought he could be worried so I answered his text to let him know I was ok. He texted back, 'You werent in the house'. No sh*t sherlock! He then texted asking if I had keys and if I was ok. I said I've been better. Which is true I suppose. Then nothing.

I can't stand this fake concern. It makes me angry. I say fake because thats how it feels. Something which assuages him. Meanwhile, all the responsibility for this situation he seems to be laying at my door. He wants out of the relationship and I say ok and do things to remove myself from his orbit and I have this 'interest' thrown at me along with finger pointing and critiques. Why can't he just be happy he is getting what he wants and leave it at that?

Why ask me if I'm ok all the time? Of course I'm not 'ok'. I'm in a crappy situation and facing tough stuff. He has to be blind, deaf or stupid not to know that. Is nothing I say even registering with this person. Arrgghh.

Glenna9802

It p**ses me off that he is playing games like this. It's hard enough to end a relationship without that. It doesn't give you a chance to process your feelings and start to heal, and that isn't fair to you. Wish I had a good answer as to how to deal with the bull**it. Just stay strong as you are doing and come here and vent