Blondie

I've discovered something about myself recently: I have needs.

There are things that I need from a loving relationship. However, I did read in "Courage to Change" that co-dependents usually have expectations in relationships, but that we should just take whatever affection the alcoholic can give. This seems crazy to me, as I NEED certain things in my relationship to feel loved, and my STXAH couldn't provide those, so am I supposed to just get whatever crumbs he offered to me? That doesn't work for me!

My needs in a loving relationship are:

Need to be respected (not be put down, given sarcasm, etc).
Need to be listened to.
Need to be given support when I am having a bad day or week.
Need to feel our home is a haven for peace (no tantrum throwing)
Need to feel that I can be myself
Need to feel appreciated for some of the things I do
Need a spouse that will put our family first above all others (except God)
Need a shoulder to cry on when I am sad

Now they are just a few, but you get my point. These are things that I have given to my STXAH over the years, along with a few other things that he "needed" but I have come to realize are enabling. But I stood there and asked, and waited and asked again, and pleaded and asked for the things I've been starving for, and I got . . . nothing. Just a constant complaint that I didn't support HIM enough. But, I said to him the other day, where was MY SUPPORT??? His answer isn't important (he was sorry, quack, quack, quack). Then BINGO. It occured to me that I've been putting my money into an empty vending machine. Empty. Nothing to give ME. I blew up at him and let my anger out (finally). I told him I needed HIM over the last six months when my dad was dying and I had to help take care of him, when my mother was sick and I had to help her, the children kept asking "where's daddy", and when I was overwhelmed with the sadness of loosing my dad and watching him go through so much pain, my husband wasn't there. Where was he, I asked him, and I answered: out drinking and spending the night with other women and meeting their needs obviously - and I shouted "all you think about is YOUR needs, well guess what, I HAVE NEEDS TOO!" This was a huge release for me, and I didn't do it to convince him of anything (he couldn't care less about my needs), but I did it to let out the anger and pent up emotions. It just spilled out! Yes, I have needs and I am human and expect some of those needs to be met by my spouse - doesn't everybody? Isn't that part of a healthy marriage? But when my needs weren't met, I began to deny them and thus I started to feel what I needed wasn't important - so I started to feel unimportant as I seemed to put my husband in the position of my HP as he became all important to me. But my needs are important, and now I have started asking OTHERS to meet some of the needs that I cannot meet myself. I no longer ask STXAH to meet any of my needs as I know it is a dead end. So that is how I am helping myself every day. I wake up and pray and think to myself: "Now what do I need today?" Simple to some people, but an aha moment for me. I am starting to treat myself as I would treat someone I loved, and not to long ago I thought that was selfish, but in the Bible it says Love Thy Neighbor as Thyself. Now how can I love my neighbor when I don't love or even like myself. To me that would be impossible.

Barbara52

You do have needs and yes in a normal relationship the needs of both people are at the least recognized and respected. Not all needs can be met within any relationship but some sure should be in a healthy marriage.

It sounds like you are making progress to me. Keep it up.

Pelican

Wonderful post, Blondie!

I feel like you are the echo in my head. Thank you for sharing. I'm looking forward to the wisdom our friends here will shine onto this post!

I struggle with some of the Alanon literature that feels like it is preaching on accepting the crumbs of an alcoholic. My personal choice is that my children and I deserve to be treated with respect. Our happiness, comfort, and needs are just as important as the A's.

I respect the SO's that are able to continue living with their A's and admire their serenity. I do not disregard the literature that teaches acceptance, but look for areas in my life to apply this message with other relationships and with future dealings with the A in my life.

Still making progress.

Barbara52

I think if one stays living with an active A, it means accepting reality. Part of that reality is accepting that all you are going to get is crumbs because that is all they can give. Choosing to live with an active A means accepting the 3 Cs, means understanding on a gut level what those 3 Cs means in terms of what we get from the relationship with that A, means understanding what it like for any children in the home.

Acceptance doesn't have to mean liking it. It does mean knowing that it is what it is.

I personally could not live with my active A. I accepted that he would do what he did, that he was not giving me what I needed, was not being the full partner I wanted. I could not accept what that meant I would have to continue living with. I accepted that life with him was intolerable and for me that meant I had to leave.

SleepyCherie

Your title rings so true to me, as I'm sure it does to all of us. Great post, Thanks

mle-sober

Awesome Blondie!! I've been waiting a long time to read that post from you. It sounds like your life is starting to blossom. Keep tending it!

notwholeyet

I'm tired of settling for crumbs. I've asked my xABF for the same things in our relationship as you. Nothing. Yet all I've done is give, give, give. My list for my needs are the same as yours Blondie. I don't think that's expecting too much. I want the whole loaf of bread, NOT just the crumbs.

notwholeyet

sosickofcycle

Thanks to everyone who posted here, it has helped me a lot. Another way I have heard it said is that we received a lettuce leaf and a shot glass of water emotionally, and no one can live on that.

orviske

Hey....You've just touched on something kind of monumental for me.

CRUMBS. That's what I was getting too. And yet again....I thought I was the only one....boy I'm a fool....I really ought to realize that there are a whole slew of people out there going through the exact same things!

I was getting crumbs before and now I'm getting microscopic pieces of bread. And the sick thing is I cling to them! I now have an unhealthy addiction to the phone that he bought for me before we broke up. I go to bed with it at night, hoping that he'll text us...to ask how the baby is, to ask how I am...to tell me that he can't live without me. And of course....I pour emotion into a TEXT, when I text him back. What the heck?

My daughter is 100 days old today, and I decided the phone is going back. I realized how much stress it causes for me. We (my daughter and I) deserve the whole darn loaf and a gallon of milk to wash it down....not crumbs.

Thanks so much for your post.

K

TakingCharge999

Great post, great thread, great women! I am so lucky to be in SR. Yesss, no more crumbs !!!!!! Either all the loaf or NOTHING thanks