Glenna9802

I hope I don't get blasted for this, but I felt it was important to have one place where I could be honest with myself and others, and so you guys are elected, I guess.

I feel myself starting to slip back into old behaviors despite the efforts I have made. Yesterday, I was so frustrated and almost heartbroken about my sponsor dumping me at the most pivotal time (I felt) of my life. I ended up buying a pack of cigarettes and have smoked four of them, turning to that old crutch for comfort again. I'm not blaming her--it was my own free will.

Also, and this is worse, I told you AH wanted me to meet him at an AA meeting at 11am. Well, I said I would do it. I guess the codependent in me saw him making an effort and jumped on it. I have NO intention of moving back home; however, I do realize that letting him put his foot in the door is a terrible idea. I simply don't know where my strength level is at right now. He has always taken a mile when given an inch, and I'm sure meeting him will open up a whole laundry list of what else he "needs."

I'm not exaggerating when I say he is alone in the world. He has alienated everyone around him. I know that's not my fault, but I haven't learned enough about boundaries and saying no to feel okay doing it when asked for help. I have my own issues about feeling alone as well.

I felt such a strong connection with HP last week, but I'm feeling more disconnected. Maybe I have just stopped listening?

I need to find a way to save me from myself.

sailorjohn

Would much rather see you-or myself, for that matter, smoking like fiend-than jumping right back into that codependent-addict drama, IMO that will kill you a lot quicker than smoking and send you to hell first.

I don't know what to say, have been struggling with that no-contact thing, things I've been doing, 'remembering the facts' for starters. Why did I walk away?

Stop and think first. Say you promised you would meet him at a meeting. You can change your mind, we are allowed to do that.

I could go on here, but I would recommend that you purchase Toby Rice Drews "Getting Then Sober" Volume 4-Separation Decisions. You'll have to mail order it, but there is a lot of wisdom there revolving around the leaving and staying away thing.

There are a lot of free resources out there too, have been getting a lot of info about this whole addict/codependent madness from "crack reality", we even have some forum members that have posted there. Will keep you in my good thoughts, while this thing is simple I'll never claim it's easy, but it does get easier with the passage of time.

JenT1968

I'm sorry about your sponser, but if she didn't have the time, it is much better that she tell you than not.

yep you can change your mind. If you feel the slightest anxiety: don't go.....

after all, if he IS trying and he really does take responsibility for his actions then he'll be prepared to give you whatever time you need without badgering or interfering and will in the meantime concentrate on his own issues. So you can meet him another time, that feels right with your timetable and what is going on in your head. what's the rush??

it doesn't matter that he wants to meet. he can stand being disapointed, have you been disapointed by his actions ever?

he can buy food for the baby without you being there.

and his boss is "not cool". (I'll stop there)

If he has alienated everyone around him, then that pretty much tells you something, AND he doesn't have to worry about alienating his old friends as he starts with his with new recovery does he. Lucky old him.

Plus he's not really alone is he? his boss is enough "on his side" to ring you and harrass you about leaving him....

you are living hand-to-mouth, with your child, in someone elses house and WORRYING ABOUT HIM, who has a whole world of options and oportunities open to him.

and this is my personal opinion, but I wouldn't want anyone that I had been intimate with going to my al-anon meetings (especially if they had just left me) I might be tempted to put on a whole performance in order to impress them, even if I didn't, it wouldn't really support me owning my own issues, it would hamper me, I'm not sure if I could be completely open. but maybe that's just me.

you are doing great, you can stop smoking again right now if you want to or you can defer that whilst you get other parts of your life on track. Either way, forgive yourself the slip, you are wonderfully, excellently human, turn your face to the sun, feel the warmth and carry on....

tallulah

Hi Glenna..

For me, being honest is part of recovery. And being honest in safe places is o.k.

One thing at a time: smoking. I gave up smoking on New Years Eve. The first day I went to Al-Anon I bought a packet of cigarettes on the way to the meeting. I smoked one walking to the meeting and smoked two coming back from the meeting. Each meeting I go to (even now) I smoke one before and one after. My hands shake as I light it and I feel guilt and relief as I smoke it. The first couple of times I felt guilt for leaning on an old crutch, but now I see it as a blip not the end or a cue to buy and smoke more. It’s easy to see it as slipping backwards, but rather it is just a step backwards when there are so many more going forwards. I remember the slogan progress not perfection and I stop beating myself up.

As far as the AA meeting with your AH is concerned ask yourself this. Do you want to go? What will Glenna get from attending? It sounds self-interested but it is ok to be interested in your self sometimes. Take the focus of your AH for a moment and look at what doing this action will do for you. If you attend this AA meeting will it be to further your recovery or will it be to provide something (a crutch, hope, solidarity, a message) for your AH. Will it be a step forward or a step backwards: and if it is the latter will it be a step backwards, in order to move forwards?

As far as your AH being alone in the world is concerned (and this may sound harsh and I apologise in advance if it does) but isn’t that exactly where he has placed himself. Maybe he needs to be stripped back in order to build something. Who knows what his HP has planned. But while the focus is on your AH and his problems, pain, trials and tribulations, Glenna’s are being shelved.

It’s funny (and I can only talk from my experience) but when you come to Al-Anon you feel a very real sense of having a light shone on you and your situation. You feel the warmth and hope and strength and you suddenly feel unshakable when before you felt helpless and hopeless and disconnected. It is such a good feeling that you don’t want it to end and you kind of don’t expect it to. And then something happens that is a trigger to take you right back to the lost person who first walked into the rooms and you think ‘hang on a minute, that’s not supposed to happen anymore’. It’s normal. It’s ok. You are a work in progress. A very wise Al-Anon member said to me that the good news is you get your feelings back and the bad news is you get your feelings back. What is different is that you have a fellowship that understands and the tools, the readings and the slogans to apply to those feelings.

My meeting last night was based on ‘keep coming back’. Now I looked at that in very simple terms to mean keep turning up at the rooms. But when I thought about it, it means more. It’s not just about the physical act of hauling myself to meetings when I feel tired or apathetic: it’s the act of recognising when I am in a darker place in my recovery and I need to keep coming back to the message(s) of Al-Anon.

You are half way there. You have recognised the wobbly moment. Just keep coming back… :ghug

naive

hi glenna-

i wouldn't kick yourself about the cigs. i would be more concerned if you said you were drinking, at least cigarettes don't impair one's thinking and good judgement.

i also don't think it's critical that this sponsor didn't work out. you might have to wait awhile before you find the right sponsor.

and yes, this is a pivotal time for you. i think its ok to email ABF and say that you just need some time to yourself, to get your head on straight and you can't make the meeting with him. he really needs to go on his own power anyway and i wonder if he wants you to go to prove to you he's serious? well, if he was serious, he would still go, even if you don't, wouldn't he?

why don't you have a long soak in the bath instead of driving him around to his meetings?

naive

catlovermi

A gentle question:
Wanting to assuage his circumstances, to lessen his pain and consequences, is classic enabling behavior.

He is NOT alone, if he wants recovery, and the BEST folks for him to immerse himself amongst are recovering alcoholics, who will grab him and envelop him and immerse him in recovery, and keep him occupied and busy for at least a year. But if he's offered another option to turn to (your emotional support), THAT is more likely where he will go.

If he tells you the above is not true, it's because he hasn't reached the point of wanting recovery above all else, the point where he's willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to get and live sober. He hasn't screamed loudly enough to his fellow recoverying alkies for them to hear, because they learn not to hear until the new guy is dead serious.

Many alkies won't seek true, absolute recovery until ALL their options BUT recovery are GONE, absolutely - until there are no people left standing around them except THOSE AA people, who "are not like him."

You are NOT going to hurt his chances for recovery by staying out of it, but you well could derail it by getting into it, not to mention derailling your own recovery.

You must trust those who have gone before, and trust the process they have used. NOBODY re-invents the recovery process. It's wishful thinking.

Just like you would hate to see him pick up a first drink, because you know what's going to follow, we hate to see you pick him back up, which is exactly what happens each time you have contact, and begin to feel sorry for the consequences your A is facing.

Many people relapse in recovery, but it is always a choice.

You own your choices, and the consequences that happen.

CLMI

Glenna9802

***He is NOT alone, if he wants recovery, and the BEST folks for him to immerse himself amongst are recovering alcoholics, who will grab him and envelop him and immerse him in recovery. But if he's offered another option to turn to (your emotional support), THAT is more likely where he will go.***

OMG--this struck such a chord with me!!! It is true. I could once again be saving him from the bottom he needs to hit in order to finally get help.

catlovermi

BINGO, ding, ding, ding, ding!

Take heart, the process is well-studied.

No need to feel guilt. Stay the course. He can be in no better hands than experts in where he wants to go. You are not that expert; they are. There is plenty of love and support for him from them. They will make sure he has food, and shelter, and rides, and companionship. This is how the process works. But he has to WANT it, and he has to ASK FOR HELP FROM THEM, and, often, he may need to have NO OTHER OPTIONS.

We're here for you.

Hugs,

CLMI

Barbara52

Glenna, ((hugs))

Be gentle with yourself. I too an trying to quit smoking. It ain't easy. Perhaps it is too much for you to tackle at the moment? Lord knows you have enough stress on you right now. It might be a good idea to put the quitting aside until you are feeling stronger. Deal with the immediate issues and allow yourself that crutch. I know I would.

Read some of the threads in here where the As who post have said what it took them to finally desperately need recovery. It may help you stnad back and let you AH reach his bottom.

Pelican

Morning Glenna,

You have had a bumpy ride lately. You are doing well taking care of you and your little girl. You are moving yourselves forward a little at a time. Progress is good!

You said you felt closer to your HP previously, but feel distant now. What changed in you? Inside of you, I mean. Was your faith in the temporary sponsor or yourself and your HP? Your HP may be teaching you something about yourself. As a codie we try to rescue others and leave ourselves frustrated. Were you reaching out to be rescued by someone else's hand besides your own? Your HP may be showing you that you need to trust your instincts and rely on your relationship with HP more than the physical relationships of those around you.

You may have read about "playing the tape forward" here at SR by posters who are trying to fight the cravings of alcohol. We are encouraged to remember the consequences of picking back up and loosing control. We are encouraged to remember the shame, the anxiety, the guilt and the physical ill-effects. I am going to suggest you do the same about attending an AA meeting with you AH. (or any future contact with AH until your boundaries are defined)
If you attend the AA meeting with him, who will benefit?
Will either of you focus on the message being presented?
Will you be able to concentrate with him in close proximity?
Will he constantly be whispering or commenting under his breath to you throughout the meeting?
Will he monopolize you before and after the meeting and prevent you from reaching out to others?

Play the tape forward and determine if this is a healthy decision for you.

:ghug3

silkspin

Hi Glenna, I've been following your posts and I'm sorry you're having such a rough time of it. Do be gentle with yourself, you deserve your own bumps in the road as it ain't easy to stop the codie behaviours that we've had for so long - it's what is familiar.

I just wanted to weigh in on the AA stuff - my AH has been attending since Jan, but hasn't really gotten involved with a sponsor, going only once a week. He has been shopping around for a meeting where he feels comfortable. Anyhow, recently he's hit upon a good group of guys. They brought him out for tea after the meeting to talk more, and to guide him on going to more meetings, immersing himself. They gave him an additional book to read, and, even though he had access to a car, insisted to come pick him up and bring him to another meeting (we're in a new city and he's not familiar) and I suspect also so he couldn't cancel. This is what they do.
Beyond what he offers of how he's doing with recovery, I tend NOT to ask. When he walks in the door I simply asked how it went, good? Good, the end. I am curious to know more sometimes, but I stop myself. It's none of my business. Let go and let God. Let him have his recovery. He doesn't need me interfering in his head anymore - Lord knows that the codie in me did that for many years and look where it's brought us? Although the alternative path seems unfamiliar and weird, it is getting BETTER results than me butting in. Hang in there. Do for you, let him do for himself.

Freedom1990

Glenna, have you not begun to find a kinship among your peers in Alanon because you want something better?

When I finally used up everyone in my life in my active alcoholism/addictions, and there was no one left to save me from myself, I finally reached out to the people who could truly help me, those in the 12 step fellowships.

Thank God family and friends finally let go because today I have an incredible support network through my AA group here.

Let go and let God, hon. :ghug :ghug

TakingCharge999

Hi Glenna
Oh I thought I was the only one who started smoking as well. Sometimes you just need to release the tension. As long as its temporary! After I got a little better I stopped smoking so... no guilt...
Please accept my hugs ((((((Glenna)))))))))

mle-sober

Glenna,

I agree so heartily with Catlovermi. If you are truly and deeply interested in assisting or helping your AH in his recovery, the most important thing you can do is to step aside and let him wrestle with it on his own.

Sitting beside him in a meeting does not really help him. In fact, it allows him to avoid the stuff that he needs to face in order to find true recovery. It is hard to watch our loved ones suffer. Even when they've done enormous harm to us. But luckily, you don't have to watch. And luckily, you have your own path to walk for your own recovery.

Attaching yourself to his recovery in some way (by meeting him at an AA meeting in a show of solidarity or support) slows your own recovery AND slows his recovery. His best chance of really "getting" it is if you are NOT there. So, stop getting in his way.

You have a lot on your plate right now. You are struggling and working through things. Meanwhile, taking care of a baby and dealing with unstable income and housing. Be gentle with yourself and just keep checking your map to make sure you're going in the right direction -- that you're still on the path. You're doing a good job!! You have done something quite amazing! I hope you sometimes look up and notice that and take a deep breathe.

veryrestless722

dont feel bad, everyone has relapses, i guess it would be the same as the alcoholic relapsing and having to get right back up and try again, its very hard to to fall right back into old patterns, which is why im back here to prevent that from happening