Lost my sponsor--spoke with AH
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 202
Lost my sponsor--spoke with AH
I went to a meeting this morning held in a log cabin (we have the coolest places for Al-Anon), and afterwards a lot of people came up to say they remembered me from the beach on Saturday when I spoke about leaving AH the night before. They had lots of inspirational stories, and I was grateful to hear them.
Then I met my sponsor this afternoon, who sat me down on her back patio and basically dumped me, saying her plate was too full and that she could not relate to me because she didn't have children. I felt my eyes sting with tears and felt so disappointed because she knows I need a sponsor more than ever right now.
I finally read the e-mails that AH sent me. They are humble and asking for help with his addiction. He is also worried about a place to live and transportation, of course, but seems somewhat sincere about starting recovery. He asked me if I would meet him at AA tomorrow morning at 11, attend the meeting with him, and then we could buy food and milk for the baby with his food stamp card.
I don't know if it's on his mind that he thinks he's going to persuade me to come back and stay using the lure of "trying" to quit drinking and his great new job, but I am certain it's not going to work. He needs to come and talk to me when he's been six months to a year sober and working a recovery program. He apologized for the name calling and put downs, but I don't think he even knows why he is sorry. He says he is flushing that amphetamine down the toilet and will never touch it again.
It's amazing to me that it's still all about him, what he needs, what he wants. No concern if we're eating or sleeping or surviving. Yes I could use that food stamp card tomorrow, but not at the expense of my own personal progress in recovery. He just doesn't get it, and unless he is truly willing to do the work, he never will get it.
Then I met my sponsor this afternoon, who sat me down on her back patio and basically dumped me, saying her plate was too full and that she could not relate to me because she didn't have children. I felt my eyes sting with tears and felt so disappointed because she knows I need a sponsor more than ever right now.
I finally read the e-mails that AH sent me. They are humble and asking for help with his addiction. He is also worried about a place to live and transportation, of course, but seems somewhat sincere about starting recovery. He asked me if I would meet him at AA tomorrow morning at 11, attend the meeting with him, and then we could buy food and milk for the baby with his food stamp card.
I don't know if it's on his mind that he thinks he's going to persuade me to come back and stay using the lure of "trying" to quit drinking and his great new job, but I am certain it's not going to work. He needs to come and talk to me when he's been six months to a year sober and working a recovery program. He apologized for the name calling and put downs, but I don't think he even knows why he is sorry. He says he is flushing that amphetamine down the toilet and will never touch it again.
It's amazing to me that it's still all about him, what he needs, what he wants. No concern if we're eating or sleeping or surviving. Yes I could use that food stamp card tomorrow, but not at the expense of my own personal progress in recovery. He just doesn't get it, and unless he is truly willing to do the work, he never will get it.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Oh, Glenna....
I'm so sorry your sponsor has felt she had to dump you at this critical time. It's certainly a bad time to have to change up sponsors and I wish she could have waited until you have a bit more time to stabilize your situation...but...life on life's terms is here, I guess!!!
I've had a lot of sponsor trouble, went through 2 bad ones before I found D. So it happens quite a lot in recovery, and maybe there's one that's meant to be yours just waiting out there. Get to as many meetings as you can to find her. In the mean time, is there someone you can have for temporary right now? Or maybe someone on here until you find a live ftof one?
Stay away from AH, please...you are doing so good! Why oh why did you choose now to listen to the voice mails. You need help from him like a hole in the head right now. You are doing it...he is just going to hold you back! Keep going.
I'm always willing to talk if you want to..
love,
KJ
I'm so sorry your sponsor has felt she had to dump you at this critical time. It's certainly a bad time to have to change up sponsors and I wish she could have waited until you have a bit more time to stabilize your situation...but...life on life's terms is here, I guess!!!
I've had a lot of sponsor trouble, went through 2 bad ones before I found D. So it happens quite a lot in recovery, and maybe there's one that's meant to be yours just waiting out there. Get to as many meetings as you can to find her. In the mean time, is there someone you can have for temporary right now? Or maybe someone on here until you find a live ftof one?
Stay away from AH, please...you are doing so good! Why oh why did you choose now to listen to the voice mails. You need help from him like a hole in the head right now. You are doing it...he is just going to hold you back! Keep going.
I'm always willing to talk if you want to..
love,
KJ
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 83
I too am sorry about your sponsor letting you go, but all I can say is that if that is how she is going to behave, then you are truly better off without her... in any 12 step program, any member working a good program will be glad to take on a new sponsee, if only for a little while. Generally speaking if someone has 'too much on their plate' they might say something to the effect of 'I will temporarily sponsor you until you can find a more permanent sponsor.' If your sponsor dumped you like that, and cited 'not having children' as the best excuse she could muster for doing so, then I can assure you that you are better off without her.
That having been said, I hope that your experience with her does not discourage you from finding another sponsor ASAP.
Best of luck to you...
That having been said, I hope that your experience with her does not discourage you from finding another sponsor ASAP.
Best of luck to you...
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Oh Glenna, I got a big lump in my throat reading about your sponsor! 
I am so disappointed that it turned out that way, and am praying the right lady comes along for you! :ghug :ghug
I am so glad you are staying strong in your own recovery, hon, and will continue to keep you and your children in my prayers!
I am so disappointed that it turned out that way, and am praying the right lady comes along for you! :ghug :ghug
I am so glad you are staying strong in your own recovery, hon, and will continue to keep you and your children in my prayers!
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Glenna :ghug
I'm sorry to hear that your sponsor has decided to part ways. But don't let it make you think that you can't do this without her. You can. We're the same length of time in the programme and I haven't even thought about getting a sponsor yet, plus I know people who have way more time in the fellowship who haven't yet found their sponsor... we can still work the programme taking ESH from the group.
You know that your AH's recovery (or drinking) is not your responsibility. You can see where is focus is and where it isn't.
You are doing great.. x
I'm sorry to hear that your sponsor has decided to part ways. But don't let it make you think that you can't do this without her. You can. We're the same length of time in the programme and I haven't even thought about getting a sponsor yet, plus I know people who have way more time in the fellowship who haven't yet found their sponsor... we can still work the programme taking ESH from the group.
You know that your AH's recovery (or drinking) is not your responsibility. You can see where is focus is and where it isn't.
You are doing great.. x
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 202
Yes, I really believe I have to focus on my own recovery and not be involved in any relationship right now. His boss just called me and said it was "not cool" of me to leave AH stranded the way I did. He didn't even want to hear my side, not that I owed it to him. I would be supportive if AH truly sought recovery, but it would not bring me back through that door where I don't believe my own well-being is safe the way it stands now.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
I think that it's way "not cool" for his boss to get involved and contact you like that. As if he knows what goes on in your home! Of course he's only heard one side of that story. And now, that's another number for you to ignore when it comes up on your phone! You just don't need to listen to that kind of stuff right now.
I'm so proud of you for keeping the focus in spite of all the chaos this week has brought! You are doing terrific! Certainly, if you can make it through days like this (and you can!), you have what it takes to make it alone!
You are my hero today!
KJ
I'm so proud of you for keeping the focus in spite of all the chaos this week has brought! You are doing terrific! Certainly, if you can make it through days like this (and you can!), you have what it takes to make it alone!
You are my hero today!
KJ
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Originally Posted by Glenna9802 
Yes, I really believe I have to focus on my own recovery and not be involved in any relationship right now. His boss just called me and said it was "not cool" of me to leave AH stranded the way I did. He didn't even want to hear my side, not that I owed it to him. I would be supportive if AH truly sought recovery, but it would not bring me back through that door where I don't believe my own well-being is safe the way it stands now.
He doesn't know your situation and he may never know it. I went to a meeting this evening and we were chatting afterwards and one of the people chatting was talking about feeling judged and what people think of them. Someone said, 'You know... what someone is thinking is none of your business'. At first that sounds a little brusque, but if you think of it in context of acceptance of things you can not change it makes perfect sense.
You could lay your entire story in front of the AH's boss and he will still be 'in charge' of his thoughts and actions. What you are in charge of is yours.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Oh how I thank God for giving us a sense of humour, so we can see the stupid, funny and over the top bits in our lives, often whilst in the depths of misery. Those little moments that show there is still a spark of life left in us when we may have come to believe that we have come to the end of our road.
How sorry I feel for the addict whose life and soul has been taken over by their doc, and whose sense of humour is totally corrupted.
God bless
How sorry I feel for the addict whose life and soul has been taken over by their doc, and whose sense of humour is totally corrupted.
God bless
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