Stupid Question?
 

A little background on me- I grew up in an inebriated environment. My mother has many attempts and failures on record, the most recent attempt landing her in the ICU- she made it 2 months sober.

Based on all of the things I've been through up until realizing that I can't help my mother, this may seem a very obvious no brainer situation.

I live with my boyfriend. When we were dating he was honest with me about his drinking. Specifically what he told me is that he used to have a problem drinking too much beer, that he got chubby and cut down for that reason.

We've been living together for about 3 months now. He used to have a few beers after work and it didn't seem like an issue. In the last 1.5-2 months the few has turned into 6 or more. It's rare that he gets drunk, in the time I've known him I've seen him drunk 3 times.

I can't wrap my brain around daily drinking. Because of my family history I'm very cautious with my own drinking, and his daily drinking scares me.

I talked to him about this right away when I picked up on the increase (I assume he just returned to baseline after our honeymoon dating period wore off). I threw out the idea of both of us not drinking for a year. Mainly I wanted to gauge his reaction. He told me that if it was really important to me he would do it but that he felt it was unnecessary action based on my psychobabble (I'd gotten the idea from my counselor).

He isn't outwardly altered by the alcohol. His behavior remains the same, no insults or loud behavior.

During that initial conversation he mentioned that he likes to have the beer daily because it helps him relax and it helps him quiet the troubling thoughts in his head.

Of course a million red flags are up and flying for me.

The dilemma: We have an awesome relationship. He's kind, respectful, loving, affectionate.. everything a girl wants.. but every time he cracks open another beer I have anxiety that I'm being an enabler.

So do I bring it up again? Do I ask him to quit? Do I just walk away?

I love him, but I don't want to live with an alcoholic. I've done that and I know it's not fun.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated :)

Welcome to the forum! I'm so glad you found us!

It sounds to me as though you are a person who has been hurt by someone else's alcohol use. I'm one of those people, too. My life experience has shown the negative effects of alcohol - my eyes have been opened to the pain it can cause. They will never be closed again.

Alcoholism in my loved one changed my acceptance of alcohol. It changed my ability to tolerate intoxication and daily drinking. It changed my choices for fun, leisure time activities. Today, other people's intoxication makes me uncomfortable. It opens me up to fear and pain and causes me to revisit a difficult place in my past.

I do my best to remove myself from situations where I am forced back into this difficult past.

I can not say from your post that your BF is an alcoholic. I do not know, and it doesn't matter. What matters is that you are uncomfortable in your own home - that you are in pain because he chooses to drink.

You could very well ask him to stop. You could explain the origins of your pain, your reasons for concern. If he listens to this concern and maintains that he will continue to drink, what will you do to alleviate your discomfort?

Have you asked him to stop before?

You are not required to compromise your peace or comfort for another person's sake. You are who you are. You need what you need. There's absolutely nothing wrong with who you are or what you need.

Take care and keep posting.
-TC

I have learned that the odds are we subconsciously repeat the patterns we have learned in our childhood.

We rationalize that it's 'different' because the drinking and/or behavior is different with our partner than what we witnessed growing up. We swear we won't live the same way.

My best suggestion to you is to get yourself some support like Alanon to help you break the pattern. Leaving your ABF is just the first step, believe me.

I am also a recovering alcoholic as well as a codependent, and it was 12 long years after I got clean/sober before I became willing to look at my codependency issues. Even though I left my abusive and psychotic addict/alcoholic husband when I got clean/sober, I continued to seek out unhealthy relationships with men who were emotionally distant at best, and emotionally abusive at worst.

I always rationalized that each one was different, but the end result was the same-disastrous.

I've struggled with my codependency issues, or at least what I feel are issues that make me codependent. I had a counselor tell me I wasn't co-dependent because my personal likes and dislikes don't change with a relationship ie: I don't start liking football because my partner does. I think what previously had defined me as codependent was that I was willing to tolerate insane amounts of ******** because I was a "survivor" and I didn't want to give up. Now I am very good at defining my boundaries, not only that but communicating those boundaries to my partner- it was a huge breakthrough for me.

I have always been able to talk to him about any emotion or concern I've had, so my first step is going to be revisiting the drinking conversation and again gauging his reaction.

So I'm in this beautiful relationship and I finally felt like I'd met someone I really *fit* with, and he's a drinker.

I cried when I read your responses because I know I can't be in a relationship like this and it hurts to think of being without him.

The ABF has 2 DUI's, is divorced partly because he drank too much.

He has an active awareness of how much he drinks and says that he's got his amount under control and that is how he chooses to handle his problem with alcohol.

In another post someone made the statement that "You will never be #1 so long as he is drinking" and that was my exact argument to him. I need to be my partner's #1. I've taken a back seat in every relationship I've ever encountered and I'm tired of it. Someone else needs to care about me as much as I care about them.

Thank you for your responses. I've had so much "stuff" hulled up from all of these years of dealing with my family. I think this will be a good place for me to learn, grow, and maybe help others do the same.

I'll keep posting.

Alcoholics cannot control the amount they drink. It just doesn't work that way.

This is important to internalize. Until and unless he has sought sobriety and been sobeer for a considerable length of time, this cannot happen.

The most painful, and yet most enlightening thing I learned when I finally faced my codependency issues was I had to learn to be my best friend first and foremost.

I had to learn to fill my own needs. Then, and only then would I be able to recognize a healthy relationship with someone else.

Till then, I was always coming from a place of neediness, of looking to outside sources for filling up that hole inside of me. That is one of the effects of the family disease of alcoholism. You don't have to drink to be affected by it.

:ghug :ghug

Like you, I rarely saw my XABF "drunk."

My XABF and I lived together about a year into our relationship and for a year following that. It was the only real way to keep our relationship going. We met in Connecticut when I was finishing up my final year of college. He followed me to my home state, 700 miles away from everything he knew.

I did not discover his problem(s) on my own. He came forward and told me about his alcohol abuse to "explain" some other things that had been happening. I honestly believe that if he and I never lived together, I would not know he had a problem to this day. What I deemed a horrible situation (living together when neither one of us was really ready) may have saved me from years of torment.

Looking back, I think of things he would say about alcohol. For example, he loved the taste of beer. I remember my uncle once saying, "He doesn't like the taste. He likes the buzz."

I just want to say that I am glad the red flags are up for you. I was too naive to notice some of the red flags myself... Wanting to drink beer on a daily basis for relaxation is definitely a warning sign. You will probably learn a lot more about each other if you continue to live with one another. Remember to heed the warning signs...

Good luck with everything.

Here's where the codependency kicks in again- I have the guilt of leaving a relationship that could be repaired with work, yet in my heart I have no desire to do that work. I'm getting old (31 haha), I'm tired and I don't want to spend the rest of my life coaching my bf or nagging him about beer consumption.

I get angry about his drinking and I stifle it. I think about my mother and how at 51 she hasn't figured it the hell out and doubt my bf will be different. Who knows what's in store for me down the road if I keep on this path.

:\

Whoa, wait a minute here. Does it not take two willing participants to repair a relationship?

I do believe in your first post you talked about a million red flags flying up, no?

Yep, that is codependency, thinking we alone can fix it while going back into denial there 'might' be a problem on the other person's end. :lmao

:ghug :ghug

I had a realization this past year. I realized that the only thing that I ever required of my boyfriend or husband was that they wanted to be with me.

I never took any time to consider what did I want out of our relationship. If they wanted to be with me, that was enough of an honor and I would give myself to them without reservation. As if they were somehow these worthy knights of character and personality. As if I could trust them to make all the decisions about our relationship. "Here," I said, "take me."

I gave myself to a heroine addict, an alcoholic, and a meth addict. I gave myself to several men that abused me.

When I got sober, I learned that I don't have to give myself away at all. And if I am in a relationship (I'm married) I have a right and even an obligation to contemplate what my needs are and to make them known.

I intend to stay married to my husband for the rest of my life. I've chosen him as much as he's chosen me. And I will never let him dictate what our relationship looks like and how it functions ever again. It's not fair to me, but it's also not fair to the relationship.

SleepyCherie: I wish I could put a sign on your mirror that reads: "I respect my own opinions."

Yes! I agree. It's hard to overcome those feelings of "fix it".

I know in my heart that he would quit if I asked him to, I just think it's ******** to have to ask that of someone.

I don't want to be in a relationship where I have to set major boundary lines. I think the major boundaries should be the obvious choice (again, codependency caused 'ethnocentrism' so to speak).

Shouldn't we be in loving relationships that don't require we point out the obvious? lol

I'm trying so hard to get to that place. I don't like that I gravitate towards broken people while now trying to fix ME.

What? Are you serious?

#1, how do you know he would quit? If he's an alcholic, he might readily agree to quit and then go on a long campaign to hide it from you and then rationalize it when you catch him. My husband who is not an alcoholic but who definitely abuses alcohol at times, resisted quitting when I first got sober and asked him. He was quite mad at me for that requirement. The jerk. (I love him but seriously....)

#2, you have to ask for what you need. What's bull is expecting others to know what you need without you talking it over.

Alright, so I brought it up today after he got home from work. He apologized for making me uncomfortable and stated he had no idea it bothered me like this. He said that I was more important than anything to him and he wants nothing but for us to be happy so he won't drink. I made it very clear that I didn't only mean getting drunk, I meant daily drinking. I explained that it made me uncomfortable and angry at him and that I didn't want to spend my life angry and uncomfortable.

I expressed everything without putting an ultimatum on it, because he made it really easy to not have to. He was his usual understanding and accepting of my concerns. Based on his reaction I'll give it a week and see how it goes. I'll keep you posted on the progress. I imagine if a blow out is going to happen, it will rear it's head soon.

Wish me luck :)

Hey Sleepy, sounds like you have a good man there. He loves you, and realizes that beer is not that important to him. Good Luck! You will find so much support on this site. It's great when you need someone to talk to about addiction or alcoholism. I wish you all the best. :1244:

SleepyCherie -

I am glad you communicated your feelings. I also want you to proceed with realistic expectations, which may mean no expectations at all.

After my XABF told me that he had a drinking problem, he quickly entered into therapy and AA. He also poured out all of the alcohol we had in the house. He was proud of himself for he had no desire to drink.

I was a psychology major in college, and I worked in an alcohol lab during my senior year in college. I had studied alcoholism and other addictive behaviors. I did not have expectations of him not faltering. I knew a relapse would come, and I was pretty sure that it would come soon.

Maybe a week and a half after beginning his recovery, my XABF came home with tears on his shirt and clearly inebriated. I asked him if he had been drinking, and he said no. He actually promised me that he had not been drinking. After giving him one last chance to "come clean," he admitted that he had drunk in the car before coming home. He cried and apologized.

At the time I was unhealthy, and I thought it was important for me to know when he had been drinking. I thought there would be no way that I could "help" him if he weren't honest with me. The reality is that he cannot be honest with me as long as he is still unhealthy. At one of my Al-Anon meetings, someone said "As long as their mouth is moving, they're lying." It sounds dramatic, but it's true.

Please take care of yourself. If he continues to drink, it has nothing to do with you or your relationship with him.

I've scanned the original post and the others and I will say this. I grew up in a horrible environment with alcoholics and abusers and I know what that is like. For a long time I associated anyones drinking with what I had witnessed growing up. BUT after a while and really paying close attention to several friends and neighbors and other peoples drinking I realized everyone is different.

Just because someone drinks everyday does not make them an alcoholic. Whether it be 5 beers or 5 glasses of wine. Now depending on how they handle themselves is a valid reason to question they're behavior.

I'm not saying don't make an issue about it. If his personality is changing the more he drinks or other problems seem to stem up if his drinking increases it's smart to be aware, but don't be too quick to throw him in the same pool with the alcoholics you've known.

Just a thought, I know it's hard to wrap your head around the concept of people getting drunk or drinking often without actually being abusers.

Anyways keep your guard up and I hope all is well.

" I honestly believe that if he and I never lived together, I would not know he had a problem to this day. What I deemed a horrible situation (living together when neither one of us was really ready) may have saved me from years of torment."

Thanks for that. I lived the same situation and yes, I tried to lie to myself saying that perhaps if we lived separately..but no, it would only have taken much more time for me to realize HIS problem. Everything happens for a reason.

mle-sober, thanks, I get a lot from your posts!

sleepy, he seems he has good intentions, however if I were you I would keep an eye on his behaviour and keep talking to everyone here in SR and your loved ones...

Sometimes we need to talk to realize stuff because our pink glasses are still on or there is a part of us is in denial. However I sincerely wish he is a good man and alcohol does not represent a problem.

Hugs!!

Yes! I agree. It's hard to overcome those feelings of "fix it".

This was indeed the hardest part for me, obviously because it took 27 years of me trying everything I could think of. I finally realized I couldn't do it. It only made him sicker -- talk about being sick myself!

He apologized for making me uncomfortable and stated he had no idea it bothered me like this. He said that I was more important than anything to him and he wants nothing but for us to be happy so he won't drink.

I lost count of how many times I heard this -- pretty much every time he binged, felt bad about it and wanted to pull me back in. I don't want to sound negative and I do truly hope that his actions reflect his words. But actions are what will tell the entire story.

If I knew then, what I know now, I would have set up some achievable boundaries for myself (If he does falter from him promise......I will do __________). The only thing I could ever think of was leaving -- "One more time and I'm leaving you". Of course, I never did and he of course learned that I wasn't serious and that I could be manipulated by all the quacking.

So what will you do if it continues? What are your boundaries going to be?


take care of you, Laurie

Hi Cherie, personally I would walk away, especially since it sounds as though you are younger. You know way back when I was first married my husband drank but was never a fall down drunk, acted realitively normal but he came to me to tell me that he wanted to "cut back" to beer and wine. He mostly drank vodka. Knowing nothing of alcoholism at the time, I thought, ok but still questioned it. I called AA and the woman on the other end laughed in my face stating, alcohol is alcohol regardless, he has not "bottomed out" and it won't matter. Shortly after that, he ended up in 28 day rehab but has been on and off the stuff for years. Here I am 23 years later, still married to this man who has been a wonderful father/husband for the most part. Unfortunately, he still drinks and because it has been sooo long it has started to take its tool on his body. He is overweight, diabetic and just looks bad for a 49year old. We have 2 teenagers (19 and 15) but it is sad what I have had to endure being the enabler and all. If I had it to do over again, I would have walked away. My kids are my saving grace and I know I will survive all this. Some day perhaps he will see the light, but that is up to him only. Good luck but deep down I am sure you know what to do, listen to that voice...

Thank you all for your concerns and well wishes. I'm positive that I've got my head about me on this. I'm going to try and address most of the posts because everyone has had such great contributions!

JoeyBoy- I truly feel he is a good man, I just don't know where he's at in his addiction so the coming days will guide my responses. Thank you for the well wishes :)

Womanfriend- Thank you for your continued support and wisdom. I know everyone here has had their own terrible experiences (or still are). My expectations are low. I have a very hard time believing that 100% recovery will ever happen, of course this stems from my vodka hound of a mother who even when she had brief moments of sobriety she was still intoxicated and fully engrossed in a man, or a job, or a woman- anything but her kids. (see the hostility I'm being eaten up by?). I have hope that ABF means what he says, but it's a small hope and I'm prepared to be the first on board the dingy if/when we hit that iceberg.

BUT I'll keep posting here and I have no doubts that if I start to waiver from that commitment you lovely folks will call me on the carpet and support me in following through with my healthy intentions. I need that sort of thing. I'm a waffler and I'll talk myself into about anything.

SonOfaMess- I agree with you. There is a fine line. Growing up in an abusive alcoholic environment can warp your senses and tweek your view and I try to be careful to not label everyone as my mother.

I don't abstain from drinking, but it is really rare for me to drink. At first when this started happening I thought "I'm being too uptight, I'll just have a couple of beers with him and it won't be so bad".. well.. with my stress level and my body not being used to having beer daily, I ended up with 6 ulcers in short order (I've always had tummy trouble so this wasn't a huge shock, mixed blessing?).

Two of the times I've seen him drunk he was what I would call "sloppy". Huge turn off. The first time he got drunk I didn't say much because it was rare and I hoped it was a fluke. Both the 2nd and 3rd time I told him that I found it really unattractive to drink so much that you are a stumbling bumbling fool.

He hasn't dumped the alcohol out. It's still in the fridge. Last night he made a big pot of tea and put it in a pitcher so he could grab something other than beer. I have concerns that he's quitting for the wrong reasons. We haven't discussed detail on social drinking, holidays, special occasions.. I don't know the extent of his alcoholism but if he's like anyone else I know, a drop may as well be an ocean.

I have a lot of doubts, fears, and questions to be answered.

Being aware of all of these things gives me a head start on problems that may pop up, so I hope that takes the edge off of the reality shock when some of these things come up.

I feel really ambivalent about it. I'm half way "lets do it" and half way "RUN AWAY!".. ahh the joys of codependency.. :P

I will say this though, sincerely, finding this forum has helped me so much in just a tiny fraction of time. I'm so glad I have someone to talk to. My family is lost to me. Outside of the occasional phone call we have no contact. My mom nearly died going through withdrawal the last time she quit (December) and my only sibling has hit an emotional brick wall. My living grandparents are just as drunk as my mother.

Do any of you ever wonder how you escaped the insanity of your family? I know I've got some learned behavior that does not benefit me, but I still think of myself as the mostly normal one.

member31986- Thank you for sharing. It can't be an easy life. I'm fairly young, however I'd argue that I'm a 70 year old trapped in a 31 year old body. I hope that my story ends nicely. I'd like to spend the only life I have being happy vs babysitting another adult because their choices prevent them from their own independence. I'm evolving from the codependent fixer and I am no longer interested in being the care taker (outside of my career as a nurse, oh the irony).

I'll keep posting..