Impurrfect

(((Anubus))) - the guy I was with for 20 years has MY RV, and all the toys, too, along with at least one enabler (he usually has a couple waiting in the wings). I still wouldn't want to be back with him, though, because the bad had gotten to where it outweighed the good.

I'm 47 and I'm alone. Yes, I miss the company of a man, but I don't miss the chaos of my past relationships. I haven't ever BEEN in a "normal" relationships...I've only been in 3, and they've all been with A's. I just finally decided that if/when I get into another one, it will be because the man ENHANCES my life...not because I'm lonely and needy, or I want him to complete my life.

I never had kids, because the 20-year guy didn't want them. Heck, we never even got married, because he didn't want to.

I know the feelings you're going through, but the only way I got to where I am now, which is being okay with me, is to get away from the A and find out what makes ME happy. The best relationships I've ever seen are when 2 people are happy with theirselves. It doesn't sound like either of you are happy with yourselves, so I don't really see how you can be happy together, but that's just my opinion. It seems like you're both looking to something else to fill a void in your own lives.

I say this, because I've been there, done that, and have the t-shirts in 4 different colors. I had to force myself to look at me, and my issues. As long as I had a "him" and his issues to concentrate on, I didn't have to look at myself.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

silkspin

Anubus, I'm really sorry to hear that you've had such a rough time with your past. I can't relate as I've never gone through something similar, but I have empathy because I understand the strong feelings of wanting to help someone to 'fix' themselves. I did this too with my AH for many years. He's very passive, and when I met him I got out of a toxic relationship where I was controlled, so I swung the opposite way and he held the door wide open. And I stepped through.
After 7 months in Al anon, I can now SEE how my behaviours contributed to our bad dynamic. I can also now SEE that I chose to accept the situation as it was.
You've had a heartbreaking journey, and you finally had the strength to leave the first situation. But you've placed yourself into another bad situation. And you are doing the same things. You are still living for others and putting your energy into them and not into you. Do not 'resolve' to be unhappy and single. RESOLVE to put the focus squarely on you, do what is right for you, and do not look to anyone else to make you happy. It's a hard lesson, one that I am in the midst of learning, but from all the stories here, I know it's never too late. I am encouraged by many here who find happiness and peace no matter what age. A friend from one of my groups once told me that she had to stop living inside her husband's head. I took that to heart. Step out of his head, all of their heads, and get into yours. It's a place you can control to your heart's content and it will lead you to a better place.

LaTeeDa

So, you had a disaster of a marriage in which your job was to take care of him. You moved on from that to a disaster of a boyfriend who you feel it is your job to take care of. What is the one thing these two disastrous relationships have in common? You.

I believe one of the reasons I attracted unhealthy, 'broken' people into my life is because it made me feel better about myself. As long as I was with someone who was more of a mess than me, I could feel righteous and superior. It worked for me because I didn't want to face my own issues.

Once the pain of staying the same is greater than the fear of change, you will change. Not one minute sooner.

L

anubus

Thank you Impurrfect,

Thanks for sharing your story alittle. It's comforting to know that others have survived the same & worse than I am going though, and understand the lonely feelings. I'm so sorry things didn't work for you. I'm beginning to wonder if there IS such a thing as "normal relationships" these days.

Yes, I'm sure we did fill each other's voids, we both have issues. I never have been happy alone. The closest I was, was right before I met him....weird. I was finally started to feel secure, like I said I stopped looking.

Best wishes to you, I hope you do meet a nice guy. Everyone desires a committed partner, it's kinda human nature. Sad that it doesn't happen for many of us.

kj3880

I just don't know about that anymore Anubus. I don't feel like I'm missing anything at all. I'm having a ball right now being single. I don't know what life will bring. I'm in my mid-forties, so it's hard to say whether I will always be single or not. But at this point, I'm totally OK if that's the way it works out.

I used to feel like "Life will be incomplete unless I meet and marry The One." I searched and I searched for The One. You know what? The One was inside me the whole time. I am One with my higher power. And I feel more secure than I ever have when I was partnered up with the various odds and ends that I dated.

I have met me. So I don't need to meet a nice guy. Kinda diggin' me at this point.
Everyone deserves a relationship with HP and with themselves, A. And that can happen for all of us!

Love,
KJ

Impurrfect

I agree with KJ. I'm happy with me. If "Mr. Right" comes along, great. If he doesn't, that's great, too.

That was always a huge part of my problem...I thought I had to be a part of a couple to be complete.

I'm comfortable however it turns out. I've always found the greatest things happen in life when you aren't even looking for them. I'll just keep trusting in HP and doing what I need to do. So far it's worked out pretty darned good!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

anubus

Okay, so I understand....I'm supposed to be learning to be happy alone, happy with myself, do things that I enjoy. Now I need some suggestions.

Right before I met ABF, I was finally at that point. I had been through hell, and was FINALLY starting to feel good about myself. A guy friend I went out with sometimes even remarked how much more confidance I had gotten since he first met me (met on the internet shortly after my seperation from XH, but we were just friends, I kinda cried on his shoulder). The guy I worked for at the time also said he couldn't believe how far I'd come. I had just purchased my very first BRAND NEW leather couch....I never had new furniture in my life. When I bought the couch, there was a $100 bronze wildcat statue that was THERE special for ME....the store said it had been there for ages....lol. I went to the mall every week, tanning 3-4 times a week. I had just bought a brand new lawn mower, which after suffering with broken crap for years, I was like a puppy with a new bone. Then I met ABF, and about the same time started getting this awful vertigo.

I can't do so many of the things I loved to do!! I had to quit the above job, which I loved.....I'm SOOOO thankful I've got the job I have now, which is probably the ONLY job I can handle with this dizziness. Going to stores or malls is now awful for me, because the lights or something make me feel like I'm going to pass out. Tanning makes me sick now. I can't even go to CHURCH now, because I get so dizzy/feel like I'm gonna pass out.....thank goodness my church has a phone system, so I can listen from home. Driving is horrible. I'm so limited as to what I CAN do. Having ABF at least gave me an arm to hold onto when we went places....lol.

SO.....any suggestions? I'm trying to force myself to do some things, because obviously this vertigo isn't going anywhere.....but it's gonna be a slow process, and VERY uncomfortable. And I've given up on doctors, nobody knows what this is, and I can't afford to keep having expensive tests ran, only to come out normal. It started with dental work. I have my job & internet business which I enjoy, but as far as hobbies/enjoyment, I'm limited. When I split with XH, at least I could DO things, this time around I've got this horrible vertigo. PLEASE DO NOT say it's anxiety.....anxiety does NOT make your EAR hurt (mine does). I know what anxiety feels like, but this vertigo is WAY different. I REALLY want to DO THIS and get whatever issues I'm supposed to be dealing with DONE......but the vertigo is limiting me now

Any ideas ??

Impurrfect

(((Anubus))) - I'll have to think about that one. My stepmom's sister has the chronic vertigo, and so does a friend of my dad's (she's actually on disability for it), so I understand how bad it is.

Give me some time...I'll work on it

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

anubus

Searching my past, for answers.......As for the soulmate thing, I know my mom probably messed my head up alot on this. My parents were very old school. They married young (I think my mom was 16), had 10 kids (I was the youngest). My mom would call us girls old maids if we weren't married at young ages. Like marriage was a must for a woman, the only thing important in life, our worth, etc.

They stayed together forever....and oddly died 1 month apart from each other. My mom died suddenly first, my dad had been sick and "hanging on" for her.....when she died, he made the comment that his life was complete. Gosh, wish I could find a guy THAT considerate......lol.

I know my older sisters got this too, we talk about it alot now. My mom was pretty vicious with the marriage/old maid thing. My one sister is still bitter becaus eshe was persuing a life SERVING GOD, missionary work, and my mom would yell at her about she needed to get married, missionary work was not good. It wasn't really a bad or abusive childhood, as compared to many today.....pretty much just old school.....girls grew up and got married & had kids, and divorce was never considered, or was considered a failure.

My childhood was also screwed up becuase my religion believed that we were iving in the last days way back. I remember when I was a child, somebody said I would never graduate (God was stepping in before then). So I never persued a career, just prayed for a husband (who would serve God with me)since I was like 12 years old. I was interested in animals (veterinarian) and law (lawyer) when I was young, but was discouraged because they thought "the end of the system" was coming. Now being grown, I DO see signs fortold in the Bible, don't get me wrong....but no one knows when and I don;t put my life on hold anymore.......but this is not a religious board so not a proper subject for here. But my childhood was like that, I graduated in 1976, so I could have been anything I wanted to be by now. But perhaps still holding the instilled views of "old maid" if you aren't married? If so.....how do I CHANGE THAT?? It isn't something I consciously think or feel? But I know that BEING SINGLE is a real awful thing for me, so thinking MAYBE from my upbringing?

And for LaTeeDa....I think in my case, I feel unworthy of love, so feel I must jump through hoops to make somebody love me? Does that make sense? And I must pick guys who are incapable of genuine love......hmmm, something to thing about.

anubus

Thanks Impurrfect!! Gotta be a solution!!

anubus

DANG......rereading everything.....this post started out about TOOLS, and now I'm talking about Old Maid childhood isues......geez.......maybe I AM hitting bottom MYSELF !!! I hope so.......I just wanna get this OVER WITH!!!
If there is some issue or whatever that I need to deal with, I wanna just DO IT so I can END THIS MADNESS!!:praying

good_luck

anubus,
It's late, and I apologize for not writing something more after all you have shared. But I really just wanted to tell you that it's nice to hear about you. I'm not saying that to make you feel bad, or nag. I just wanted to let you know that hearing about your story, your past, is much more compelling to me than a million dui's, homelessnesses, or whatever else the alcoholics in our lives throw at us. Thank you for having the courage to share, and I wish you a restful, peaceful night.

silkspin

Anubus, thank you for sharing. Sometimes, once we start really looking, we find all sorts of things from our past that contribute to unhealthy behaviours. I too, had a strict upbringing - am in my late 30's but my parents are already 80. My father used to hit us with a belt when we were 'bad' and then held us and told us he loved us. He ruled our home with that kind of fear. Religion was strong too until my sis and I became teenagers and refused to go to church and they let go a bit. But their thoughts were clear too on many subjects - wanted us to marry good, wholesome Polish men that would take care of us forever, since we, as women, couldn't really do it for ourselves. That didn't happen, and luckily enough they did care about education so all the kids are university educated. But as teens, my sister and I became 'used goods' to our future husbands by dating, we were brainwashed by North American society and we had no valid opinion on anything. And I wonder why I'm messed up?????!!!!
We moved from another city recently and moved in with my parents until our home sells. At the same time, I told them about the A, and asked him to move to the basement bedroom. My mother told me I was breaking up my family, and that I should be 'helping' my husband (i.e controlling him). Even more messed up! I'm learning to simply tune it out - no point in arguing since my parents won't change their opinion, but understanding that it takes nothing from me to keep quiet. I don't have to justify my position to them, although I have felt like I had to for my whole life (likely because they repressed me from doing that always). You CAN stop listening to those messages, because you have control over you!

LaTeeDa

Wow, a lot of things in common here with my childhood. I didn't have the religious upbringing, but all these things were true for me, too. Also, my father was an alcoholic, so my mother taught me that you stay with your husband no matter what.

I think you are making some real progress here just by opening up about these things. For me, it was a really great counselor who helped me with all these issues, as well as helping me figure out where to go from here. Many people here have found help and guidance in Alanon as well. There is nothing wrong with reaching out for help. You can have a full and happy life, with or without a man. I know this now.

L

anubus

Thanks everyone for letting me air everything out. Guess you all need to send me a bill for the therapy last night. Wheh!

Silkspin....funny but my mom was Polish too...that marriage thing must be a Polish way of thinking alot. (I'm sure it's in alot of nationalities, but maybe extreme with Polish?)

Maybe I should start a new thread with this one...but, after praying and writing all this last night till wee hours on the morning, this morning I went to the bathroom first thing and I have a bunch of books in there, like my AlonOn daily read book, etc. For some reason this morning I picked up a book called "Why Me God" (page 9 and the next few pages, if anyone has the book), and was reading about the various stages of greif: Denial, Anger, Bargaining (like CALLING our A's with lawyer info??), Depression, and finally Acceptance. And it said those stages could change so rapidly, with hours back & forth. It says it's normal to go through these stages, and actually not healthy to NOT go through them. Oddly, the example the book gave was about a girl who broke up with her boyfriend. It actually MENTIONED that she was trying to GIVE IT TO GOD...but couldn't understand why she couldn't shake the extreme feelings/mood swings/etc.....and mentions that for her "bargaining" she asked her boyfriend to meet her for dinner, she dressed to the max for it thinking she could "win him back", etc......and later beat herself up and feel like she was such a failure, weak, etc.

Now, before ya all spaz and say I'm "making excuses" for codie behavior....I'm not. Just wondering if some of us who do codie things right after a split up might need to be gentler on ourselves, perhaps we are just going through this normal greiving process?
All of us LOVE our A's or we wouldn't be HERE. So when we do finally decide to make the split, we are still suffering the lose of a loved one, dispite how bad things were. After my 23 year marriage ended, I virtually sat on the couch crying for 2 months. That was an extreme case, because the situation was so unexpected, and I thought I was gonna lose my house, didn't know what I was gonna do for money. I was a top selling Avon rep at the time, and could NOT bring myself to even do that. People (lovingly) yelled at me that I needed to force myuself to go out & get a JOB etc. I could care less about anything, and just sat on the couch, smoked, drank (I'm not an A, but self medication at that point), cried, prayed. And yes went through various stages of feelings. This may sound corney to some, but I truly believe God helped me save my house, find jobs that were perfect for me, etc. But what I LOVING God, who allowed me to HEAL first, go through those stages of greif crying on the couch......then when He worked, He REALLY worked amazingly!!

Sorry getting off subject here, but reading this just made me think that alot about this greiving stages thing. Maybe we all have to learn to be gentler on ourselves and allow these stages of greif to happen.

kwigers

Anubus,
Perhaps I am a bit to the point, and sometimes the point is painful to hear.
Reading through what I see is that past issues unresolved and overlapping present issues.
Thoughts tangled together and confusion, which for any of us cause a great deal of suffering.
What are you trying to hold together?
Where are you not trusting your higher power?
What are you making up and what is absolute truth, the kind of truth you could prove in a court of law type of truth. We all have blind spots, where we do not see the obvious, and we all have things we interpret and make up about our own reality.
The key to the twelve steps is acceptance! NOT resistance.
I know for myself when I am resisting, my body steps in and lets me know. My body tells me when I am miserable, and I am truly only miserable when I am resisting something somewhere in my life. When I hit a place of acceptance it is there where I feel joy and happiness. It is there where I am not longer fighting everyone and everything. What is your body telling you?
I hear you looking through your past, and we all need to self evaluate, yet when reading your post, I think I am reading that you are still judging your x in a negative light-which tells me that you have not yet accepted that entire situation as a gift from your higher power. Correct me if I am wrong, but when we do not fully accept or get things sorted out in our brains, they continue to come up. I always giggle a bit about the fact that if I don't see the gift this time around, I will be given another opportunity. A similar situation will arise again and again until I get it!
The big book says there are NO accidents, which means your past is no accident, neither is your present! There is a gift, and more likely many gifts here for you! There is inner growth happening for you! Acceptance is the key, willingness opens the door! And a fabulous life coach such as myself can help you unwrap your gift!
Life is Great! ~Cheryl

kwigers

Wow, not sure how that happened, since beginning that, and posting it, seems there are tons of posts in-between. Sorry if my prior post is way out of order...and doesn't seem to make sense-it was meant to address an earlier post you wrote about your x and your home:-) ~Cheryl

kj3880

I think you seem to be making some progress A. You seem to be getting your mind off him and his recovery and back on where it belongs...your life and your recovery. You are starting to wonder what your interests are and what you can do about them. That's great.

I want to share that I have struggled with debilitating migraines for most of my adult life. Doctors tested many things and never came to any satisfactory conclusion. I even had spinal surgery to try to fix the problem to no avail. However, the pain became much less frequent and much more manageable when I began letting go or fixing causes of the stress in my life. I let go of the active addicts and alcoholics in my life. I cut loose the energy-sapping negative people. I started trying to do things right. Stopped medicating my pain with drugs. I started making amends. Now my migraines are not completely gone. But they are about 90% better. I have my life back.

As Cheryl said, when my life becomes unmanageable, my body will step in and let me know by giving me pain and/or shutting down some systems. Our minds and our bodies are inextricably linked. You cannot be totally stressed to the max without some physical consequence. The vertigo may be worsened, as most medical problems are, by the extreme stress you are continuing to sign up for when you stay in relationships with an active addict/alcoholic.

You may be VERY surprised, as I was, by how good you feel, even physically, when you get back to living your own life on your own terms. Doing what you wanted to do. You don't even know what that is right now, and that's OK. It might be fun to find out, though, right?

Love,
KJ

anubus

flying11...I'm kinda a home person myself, but have a niece who goes to Haiti frequently, sends food, doctors, medicine, baby formula, etc. And my brother & his wife did missionary work in the Phillapines for many years, and are now in another country.

I do love helping people, though. I did alot of volunteer work around here before, was real into anti-abortion years ago, and when I was younger I was really into freeing the POW's back in Vietnam. Just kinda burnt out on it nowadays. I watch the special needs boy several times a week, and although I love the job & family, it does "get too me" seeing him the way he is.

I guess right now I love all aspects of my life....my jobs, house, car, myself.....there is just a void for that soulmate. I look at the wedding photos of relatives at the special needs boy's house, and just miss that!! ABF seemed to fit SO well into my life, for some crazy reason, it was like he "belonged" here.......my grown kids loved him (but realized he has issues), my job family liked him (the minister & his nurse wife) & tried so hard to help him. They actually GAVE me the second car, to help HIM get on his feet. It was the grandfathers car, an old 1990 Caddy.....it was sentimental to the grandfather, and was to me too because I love older style caddy's. When he passed away, they GAVE me the car, for HIM to be able to get a job, etc. It just seemed like ABF belonged in this picture.....but I guess I was wrong. So it's hard to heal, and I feel a void not having a man in my life. I know they say work on myself first, but I really did all that when XH left. So it's just gonna take some time to heal/come to terms.

LaTeeDa

Working on that void is the key to your healing. By discovering what it is and why it's there, you will find the answers you are looking for. The truth is, that void can never be filled by another person. Happiness and fulfillment does not come from external sources. Filling it with someone else only temporarily satisfies the need and ultimately leads to more suffering. Only when you are whole without someone else can you truly have a fulfilling relationship.

L