CNMC2C

Cannot say this any other way....this weekend has just been downright crappy.

Friday night I went to dinner with some new friends who were celebrating a new friend of mine's boyfriend's birthday. I was sitting at the table trying not to think about the fact that Friday was the XABF's B-Day and really trying to focus on enjoying myself. During dinner, I discovered that the my friends daughter shares the same name as the XABF's daughther...so I'm sitting there thinking...great...my friends boyfriend shares the same birthday as my XABF and his daughter shares the same name as my XABF daughter whom I miss seeing and talking to. Then the kicker happens....the seat next to me was empty....so one of their friends who was late arriving to dinner sits down next to me......guess what his name was...you betcha....he shares the same name as my XABF. I had a very interesting moment of .....:wtf2....have I done to tick the universe off to the point where I am out trying to make new friends and I have all of these constant reminders of my XABF coming at me left and right.

Now, I know that I should be to a place in my recovery where things like that shouldn't bother me and I shouldn't even be thinking about him. But unfortunately, my mind isn't cooperating. I have just been sad since Friday night. As hard as I try on a daily basis to keep moving forward...I still allow my XABF to squatt in the rental property in my head. No matter how hard I have tried yesterday and today to evict him from the rental property in my mind...he is still squatting there...laughing at me. I know that this too shall pass but dangit...will I ever get to a point where thoughts of him don't bother me?

So I'm asking myself right now.....beyond just being sad.....what is really going on with me?

Question#1
Am I missing the drama that his circus act provided me with? Yes...i guess that is part of it, since I'm attracted to DRAMA....which I am working on not being attracted to.

Question #2
Am I still agry at myself? You betcha

Question#3
What am I trying to avoid dealing with by focusing/thinking of my XABF? I am so freaked out by the new path that I am traveling on ....that it scares the crap out of me. It scares me so bad some times that I have been really struggling with my eating disorder and wanting a cigarette so bad that I have had to go walk for an hour to avoid jumping in my car and going and buying a pack...but I haven't.

Question #3
Am I lonely? Yes, I think I am , but know that I am better off alone at this time in my life.

Question#4
Am I anywhere near loving myself like a healthy person should? not completely, but I am getting closer achieving actually liking myself....not to the point where I look in the mirror and say....You are a fantastic person ....but at least I'm getting to where I can look in the mirror without flinching.


OK......Whew...just needed to talk my way thru all of that......now I need to get on with the rest of my Sunday.

Hugs to you all and thanks for letting me rant and work thru all of those feelings.:ghug

prodigal

You are being honest with yourself and you are examining why you feel as you do. It is painful. But as painful as it is, you are not in denial and that certainly indicates that you are willing to accept life on life's terms.

It those little things that used to trigger me when I was surviving one day at a time after I left my exAH. I'd hear a certain song, I'd smell some guy wearing the same cologne. Or I'd run into one of our mutual friends. It took about 18 months for me to really get on with the business of living. But during that time I got better. The days that were good began to outweigh the bad.

Keep ranting if you feel the need to do so. It sounds as if you are moving in a healthy direction.