Glenna9802

I had massive anxiety at this morning's Al-Anon meeting on the beach. I was full-on bawling by the time I got there and cried all the way through. I did share briefly about leaving AH last night with only the clothes on my back and my baby's back, but mostly I just cried.

A few people came and talked to me afterwards about being in similar situations and getting through it, which was just the medicine I needed to help the anxiety. Then an older lady walked past me and put something in my hand as I was talking to somebody else. As I was walking to my car, I looked down and there was a hundred-dollar bill in my hand. This was after I had used my last bit of gas to get to that meeting, and after I had put my last dollar in the basket at the meeting the day before. I was just so stunned and grateful to HP at that moment.

Unfortunaely, later in the day the anxiety came back full force along with the huge waves of guilt. I couldn't calm myself down, and my friend offered me a glass of wine and I took it. I know I shouldn't have slipped. I was just so desperate to relax. It didn't help, of course, but I should have known that going in. There is definitely temptation here in those regards, but it's a better situation than what I just came out of, for sure.

AH has kept calling, but I'm not answering. I just can't.

Thanks for listening.

prodigal

Just a suggestion: when you start having anxiety attacks, try breathing in deeply through your nose and exhaling slowly from your mouth. Does this sound crazy? I thought so too. But I have had anxiety attacks that have left me literally running out of buildings, almost wrecking my car, and hyperventilating to the point of passing out.

There ARE medications for long-term anxiety. I started having attacks when I was about five years old. I had one this afternoon, but I have the tools to handle attacks now, if I get one during the day, without using any meds.

You might also want to try "self talk." Tell yourself you ARE in a better place, and remind yourself what makes it better. Think about the woman who so generously offered you money. I don't care if people think I'm a raving loon, but if I start to get anxious in my car I will talk myself down. I also turn on the radio to music that I know will calm me.

What exactly is making you feel guilty? What do you believe you have done wrong that would bring on an attack of the "guilts"?

Chrysalis123

Thankyou for sharing what your HP did for you today. That brought tears to my eyes and reminded me that allowing others to help us blesses them too. I am praying for you and your baby.

Glenna9802

I feel guilty for leaving him basically with nothing. No transportation, phone, place to live, etc. Basically, I'm saying all the things to myself that I'm sure he would be saying if he could get a hold of me. It's like I've been programmed.

Bernadette

Glenna what a great moment - I found those same kind of helping hands when I was really just at the end of my rope someone would do something surprising and kind like that- either give me just what I needed to survive another day or temporary employment or a word of encouragement.....

Early in my separation from exH I was out of gas and AFTER pumping, my credit card (which was my only funding) was rejected....It was bitter cold and I was sweating bullets and telling the guy I would get the cash as soon as I could and come back. He looked at my 2 boys in the car and just waved me away...I cried all the way home. It was my turn to surprise him when I returned a couple months later with the $$. He didn't seem to really remember, he had just done a little miracle for me without a thought - just naturally and unselfishly....keep yourself open to all the bounty that is right around you!!!

I feel guilty for leaving him basically with nothing.
And he seemingly left YOU with no choice but to act to protect your mental health & your baby's future!

You've done the right thing. And it's sad. But it is the right thing!


Hang in there baby!!
((((((hugs))))))
peace,
b

ItsmeAlice

Don't be so hard on yourself about the glass of wine. A slip is just that, a slip. It's not a fall, it's not some big slide down a mountain. Now is the time to be kind to yourself, patient, and loving. Save your judgements for the actions of your AH. He's going to do a whole lot of quacking at you and you will need to keep your emotions in check when he does. All judgement no guilt when that times comes.

When you keep your focus on each task as they come to you keeping your heart, your eyes, and your ears open you will see all the little signs and breadcrumbs being left along the way for you to follow by your HP. You won't find them when your making the effort to or if you're bogging down your thoughts with 'what ifs.'

You're not alone. We, and your meeting goers, are here to support and encourage you. Your baby holds your hope and your future. There doesn't seem to be room for AH now does there?

Try to rest tonight. Count your blessings to get to sleep. You'll doze off before you ever run out of them.

Alice

naive

dear glenna-

you have been in my thoughts today and I must thank you for your brave example. it came to my mind and empowered me to move forward, when I really just wanted to lie down instead. I thought “glenna had to get up, get in the car and drive to her friend's. it is not the time to lie down. “ and I got up and went out to buy a phone card to call my mother, so I can go to america and get out of this sick, alcoholic environment.

reading your account of your al-anon meeting made me cry, it was so beautiful.

in each conflict, lies an opportunity to do what is good and right and noble.

thank you for sharing your journey with us.

peace and clear thought to you.

marie

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=idd_9...E1AED1&index=1

Glenna9802

Thank you for making me feel brave even when I don't want to.

Cried a lot tonight, mourning the death of the relationship and what was good in it. I did love him a lot...the real him.

Trying to hold tight to what I've learned and stay focused to learn more. It's all I can do right now.

Thanks for giving me so many hands to hold.

prodigal

To begin with, YOU did not leave him with nothing; you, as a finite human being do not have the power to do this. So, it is your thought processes that are tormenting you; not his current condition.

He has choices: go crash with a friend. Find a shelter for men. Go to the YMCA. Go to the Salvation Army.

If you have been "programmed," it is because YOU made that choice. Unless he is a professional operative for the CIA, he does not have the power to "program" you. There are plenty of guys who have been POW's, and they resisted hard-core brainwashing.

You are blaming him for what you are thinking. See, you have it backwards. You think you are responsible for his current situation. And you think he is responsible for what you are thinking and feeling.

You are endowing yourself and him with powers that humans do not possess. Hey, this stinks. I have been in your shoes. I moved into a home that I ran to in the middle of the night so I could escape a drunk who was one step from shooting me. I understand what you are going through.

This is the opportunity for you to take a huge basketful of lemons and turn them into lemonade. It is not easy. But determination will get you through.

I'm over 50. Life is short. You will not realize how doggone short it is until you hit the big 5-0. And I look back on the time I spent worrying about who controlled who, who was responsible for this or that, whose fault if was for doing who wrong. Doggone it, this life is short.

You DO deserve hapiness. Right now you are in pain. I understand that. What you are feeling is normal, to some extent. But endowing yourself or your partner with super-human abilities to program one another's thinking just ain't so.

I am not sure if you have tried Al-Anon. Get your bearings. Then go to a meeting where other folks will understand the pain and confusion you are feeling.

If you don't care for Al-Anon, that's fine. Locate a good counselor. Please just try to understand that you do not have the power to control the outcome of someone else's choices. You did not live his life. You can only live your own.

And that is where you need to make the choice to seek recovery for yourself.

Glenna9802

It is because of Al-Anon that I had the strength to do all of this, and reconnecting with my HP. I agree with you about the "superhuman" analogy, neither of us are. Please forgive me, my emotions are just all over the place, and it's hard to hold on to my newly discovered strength for too long at a time. That's why I'm here in the middle of the night

tallulah

Glenna...

Do you know how courageous you are? Even when you are in the shadows you create a safe environment for you and your child, you get in your car, you go to a meeting, you feel and share your pain, you come here and post, you keep moving forwards.

You are an inspiration.

Glenna9802

Twinnie, when you put it like that, I almost believe it.

I have soooooooo much more work to do, but I want to do it. It's the only thing keeping me sane.

I have sat down to e-mail AH 100 times, but I haven't done it. My phone is full of messages from him, but I haven't listened. I know it's pointless. We are not in the same place, now or ever.

tallulah

Hi twinnie.. :ghug3 Sometimes, when you are in the midst of the storm you can't see how great you're doing. I know whenever anyone says to me, wow look how you are doing I have to do a double take.. and then I think, yeaaaah actually I am!

You've done the hardest part. Step 1... admitting, walking into Al-Anon etc. Not to say everything in life from here on in is going to be a breeze but you're getting the tools to work it out. I can see that every time your post.

In some ways you probably don't even need to hear the messages to know what he will be saying. It will be lurching from anger to pleading to I love you I'll change to emotional blackmail.

What were you thinking of telling him your email? :ghug3

naive

glenna,

i hope you don't email him and take a bit of a time out for yourself. i do empathise. there is part of me that hopes if i separate, he will take it seriously. this, of course, is messed up thinking. you are right, it is pointless.

i'm wondering why you left your house? can you not live there? will you need to get your own place?

marie

Seren

Hi Glenna, I do hope you are feeling a bit better and calmer today. I understand the guilt and anxiety that go along with leaving someone behind.

Hmmm....so what about you? You and your baby left with only the clothes on your back to get away from him and his disease. So....why do you feel guilty when his behavior forced you to take this action? You deserve a better, peaceful, and happy life. Please take every step needed to protect yourself and your baby!

Huge hugs!!! HG

naive

dear glenna-

I went back and read your earlier posts, as I had missed the beginning of your story. I wanted to address the co-drinking. I tried this route too, as it was the only way to actually spend time with my ABF; otherwise, all I got was him lying around, sleeping, eating …

Once I woke up, I stopped drinking with him altogether. That was 2 months ago. I got sober. I never really drank very much, 3 drinks and I was finished, but even 3 drinks was enough to impair my thinking and make me complacent.

It is natural when we are under so much pressure, to want to numb ourselves. We, however, do not have that luxury because we are fighting for our lives right now.

When I went to stay a few days at my friend’s house, I was relieved that everyone was sober: she was sober, the 4 children were sober, I had forgotten!

Upon my return , when I sat down to talk with ABF, all of a sudden, I felt like having a drink! And I thought, what’s this? And I realized that it wasn’t me, I was picking up on HIM wanting a drink.

I wanted to remind you of this, which you wrote a while back:

timetogo

Hi Glenna -- I have been thinking about this weekend.

When I first saw your post "I left my AH tonight", I found myself doing a "cheer" for you before I even read it. I thought "good on you" for taking that step. I know it must have been so difficult for you.

I know what the guilt you're feeling is about. I felt that too. It was short lived however when I realized that he was taking care of himself just fine without me to hover over him making sure he did what he needed to do, to survive anyway, but not to recover. The hovering, controlling part of me is the part I need to work on now -- why I thought this behaviour was enough to change him when he didn't want to change himself. I think this is what made me feel guilty at first -- the realization that I did indeed contribute to the end of my marriage. But the person that I had become was definitely a product of my environment. So I can move on to forgive me. Now that I have all this time I don't devote to him and his disease, I can work on me -- I should be really amazing with all the energy I have for me now instead of him lol!

Now the guilt that I have and have to work through is about having subjected myself and my children to years of the crazy behaviour. I know I did it for survival. I know I did it because of the "fantasy" of a "normal" family life. I am working on forgiving myself for that and moving forward and learning from it. I no longer have guilt about my husband -- he made the bed......... I'm so happy for you that you are taking steps not to subject yourself and your child to YEARS of the crazies.

reading your account of your al-anon meeting made me cry, it was so beautiful.

I too had tears reading this. When others do such kind things like this, it restores my believe in my HP and in human nature. What a lovely thing for her to do.

I agree (as I have said before) with Prodigal about the breathing -- sounds crazy but it can really help. Another thing that helps me is to "ground" myself. Become in the moment -- put your feet on the ground, look around, tell yourself you are ok RIGHT in this moment and breathe. Other things that help me (and I have really severe anxiety) is to go for a long walk, B vitamin supplements, and especially yoga (which is a lot of deep breathing, go figure!).

You are doing great, you can do this -- you can have the life you want. There are people here who are living proof of that and so many can't be wrong. I gain my courage from them and we all gain our insight from each other. Keep doing what you are doing, one small step at a time. You're not alone -- lean on the healthy people in your life.
Hugs, Laurie

Glenna9802

Thank you...it is hard to let go of the guilt, but the things you wrote do make a difference.

I saw my boys this morning for breakfast. I told them briefly what was going on, just that the baby and I were staying at a friend's and that it was no longer healthy for us to stay with AH. They were thrilled!!! AH was horrible to them, and they are so glad he's out of all of our lives now.

Unfortunately, at the park afterwards, I started having a panic attack and we had to cut our time short. I was able to control myself and just covered by saying my stomach was hurting, although the boys may be perceptive enough to realize I was upset. I talked to the boys' father for a while and let him know what was going on. I came back here and curled into bed for a while until the anxiety passed.

I'm hoping to get to a meeting tonight. This anxiety is such a killer--it stops me in my tracks and I'm frozen. It's gotten worse instead of better since I left, but I'm hoping that's temporary and that I can work through it. Thank you all for being here. It makes me feel calmer to sign on and see your responses.

timetogo

Often, coming here makes a huge difference in my anxiety. Just reading and knowing that what is going on in my life is the right thing and my HP's plan for me, helps alot.

One thing for me was being able to trust MYSELF. Trust that I know what's right for me and my kids. I had lost the trust in me. C'mon, I can't even make the decision whether to go get milk or not sometimes. I'm faced with making HUGE decisions. But each one I make empowers me to go forward.

Sometimes when I think it would all just be easier to go back -- it wasn't that bad -- separating is so hard -- I play the tape all the way through. And I don't like what I see. Nothing changes if nothing changes. YOU are taking control and changing that tape. Way to go!

Take care of yourself Glenna and have faith in yourself.

hadenoughnow

You have been programmed. The A (and the disease) has you programmed to put them first. The brainwashing takes normal feelings and behavior (love, concern for others, societal expectations) and manipulates them to serve it's purpose. It twists your mind to the point that when you should be concerned with the well being of you and your child your head is filled with thoughts of how the A will manage.

It takes a while but eventually the thoughts stop and you realize how insane they are. The A will not stop trying to get your mind back to where it was though. My exah still tries and he has been gone a year! Since the two of you have a child together you will probably have to have some form of contact with him eventually, I personally limit my contact with the A to the absolute minimum.