adviceneeded

I will try and make this as short as possible as the history goes back as far as 10 years. My sister (2years younger) at age 37 is an alcoholic. A brief history: as far back as i can remember my sister has been a stong willed, VERY highly intelligent woman. A mother of two beautiful boy s (now 15,18) determined in life and loving. She still is this person i know but the disease has and continues to destroy that. As the acloholism has progressed through the long painful years, my sister has had as many as 40-50 visits to the hospital in 3-4 years. Incidence from withdrwl, D.T's , convulsions,poisining. She becomes extremely violent, vulgar, rude. She has been in Psych wards , held , in detox centers, with the bottom being approx 2 yrs ago when she began to slip into psycosis and the police found her wandering the streets in her bare feet in the rain at an old address she resided at 3 yrs previous. Approx 3 years ago when slipping into a seizure in front of her children and being hospitalized and restrained had pushed me to the brink to drive 500 miles to try an intervention, she had left the hospital (not discharged) and left me and my family no choice but to intervene and take the children. With a distance between us and the wonderful ability to manipulate and lie, make us unable to find or contact her, i regret to this day not taking them earlier. I should also add in the situation was an enabler BF that was also an alcoholic. It was an abusive alcoholic relationship that when THE BOTTOM fell out approx 2 years ago, as i have said that relationship ended.

LAST 2 YEARS:

With being hospitilized and having liver damage, pancreatitis, psychosis, losing her apt, her children at this point had been living with there dads (separate fathers) , my sister faced DEATH. Agreeing after many years to finally make the right steps for rehab to stay in detox and finding a Doctor that actually understood the disease she was detoxed completly and at that time did what she swore she would never do. She gave up some of her POWER and moved in with me. Also in the residence is our MOM. Her apt was emptied b4 the lock was placed on her door and she came to us. Under the conditions that when a placement was available she would go to rehab. Might i add that i saw signs early that she had not faced the full reality as she made statements "im a binge drinker its not that bad" , "they wont take me, i have no drug coverage (we are canadian) " i can go to AA, get a sponsor, and i can do it myself", many signs were there that she was not ready to admit her alcoholism or except it. Her children tho hesitant agreed as time went on over the 1st year to see her. The 15 year old IS VERY ANGRY, hold a tremendous amount of resentment. My sister stayed with me for approx 5-6 months. Might i also add IT WAS GREAT. My siter was my sister.. we never fought once, we had/have so much in common and she is very loving and helpful. It came to a point where i could see, my mom could see she wanted her independence. She claims she needs to live in a BIG city (Toronto) to feel productive in work and social life. She began to make plans to move . Finding a place near a family memeber who had the ability and finances to have her stay, find a job and assisted her ( not paid for everything but assisted her to get her own appt) ...the last 4 months :

Her 15 yr old son is having problems at his dads, began to talk and form a little bit of a repoor with her, she is back talking to her 18 yr old, her job allowed her to work from hom ( WORST MISTAKE)..and so it began the signs of her drinking....... comments such as " i needed to move and get back on my feet, I am an adult and should be able to do adult things", " yes i might have a couple drinks, i can do that, i am not like a text book and not every alcoholic is the same", asked if she has been drinking when talking with her on the phone " gets defensive, angry sometimes, maunipulative as in im sick of you ppl assuming, etc etc. My sister since she moved ( about 3 hrs away) comes down once a month. At those times no sign of her drinking, she doesnt drink in front of us. I have sensed it but when i suspect she is drinking i let her go (get off the phone).

The last week :

Here is sit...upset and devasted...this would have been the 1st time in 3 years her 15 yr old son was going to HER place to spend time with her. Her 18 yr old son has found out he is goin to be a father , my family member that has assisted her and formed a very strong relationship with her since she moved last May is in disbelief ( although there for support for the previous 7-8 yrs, he never really got it, until NOW). EXPERT at hiding her drinking, except to me and my mom who know her personality changes, she was able to get away with it for sometime..... WEDNESDAY nite 3 AM ... My family member receives a phone call from her landlord.... she has fallen down the stairs.. was found on her face with blood coming out her nose and mouth, unconcious. Brought to the hospital she awakes , but they are unable to understand what she is saying for more than an hr. The landlord tells the family member she was drinking..and earlier that evening he went downstairs and found her sitting in the hallway ( no mention of what he said to her) ...It was determined she had bleeding in the brain, a shattered elbow, broken bones around her eye, chipped collar bone ( they clasify it as a broken neck)..she was then transferred to a Trauma centre as she was in a small town hospital. When notified myself and my mother went to where she was transferred....

The reaction...and where i sit today....

Angry, upset, confused,etc etc i went in the room.. i asked why when she is SOOOOO close to getting everything back... answer " dont be so dramatic, people fall down stairs, i knew i was gonna fall sooner or later on those stairs, YES i had a couple drinks and they may have helped it more but if i came to be dramatic i could leave..that she had to get out of there get home to work..and her son was coming this weekend "...... I told her , her sonwas not coming, and she had to stay... she demanded i get her pain meds from her dr..and again SHE is an ADULT.... My mother received the same treatment if not WORSE.. yesterday she made the drive..guilt because she doesnt hate her she hates the disease..and couldnt leave her in pain without visiting, she was greeted with swearing, get me out of here, give me a smoke, dont be dramatic, and what did u tell my son and his father... when she told her he was aware ( THE FATHER not the SON ) she had a relapse she LOST it and said you are not going to take my kids from ME again. I have refused to go back..i had a anxiety attack when i went and refuse to be talked to like that. Her demands and her QUEEN attitude is unbearable. BUT i am SO SO SO hurt, lost, and devastated what DO WE do as a family? What do i tell her Boys? She is calling collect i answered once and she wanted some money ..or a pair of pants, she wanted to know what she arrived in the hospital with....she asked the nurse to find out her landlords phone number..we are worried and do not wanna disclose the history to him, as we dont wanna bring on even more stress of her losing her residence, but worried he may (cause he is AN AMZING PERSON and aboviously caring to continue to follow up ) that he may go get her. We as a family..and she has MANY MANY family memebers who are supportive if she makes the decision to go to REHAB... that we will not pick her up, will not assist her unless she goes to rehab this time. I am burdened right now as i feel so heavy hearted that i am leaving her in a LARGE city here in canada... with no money, in extreme pain, alone. The Doctors have said her liver was swollen and she was having some signs of withdrawl. SO this we know is not a couple drinks. PLEASE PLEASE advice would be great..words of encouragment... I know this is long.. we have a decision to make on Monday when she is suppose to be released..... I feel so sad ... i love her and i know its a disease.. i am praying she will choose the right path when faced with yet another strong willed family member she has destroyed along with my mother...

I know this is SOOO long and people may not read all the way through. I understand...But thank goodness i found this site...i feel a little (tiny) better to have vented... my off switch is on ...meaning im trying to be indifferent on the outside..i am not answering the phone when she calls from the hospital....but again WHAT WHAT can i do ????

Thank you for reading .. advice would be great !!!!

deezaldog

You have a lot on your plate. But first remember, it is not your fault. She has to want it for herself, not you or her kids. Unfortunately you may have to let her go. If all enabeling stops she will have to face her situation.
PLEASE SEEK OUT Alanon! For yourself. Be supportive but not enabeling, alanon will help you understand more. If you are not an alcoholic you cannot understand what the alcoholic thinks or does. Alcohol is nondicriminatory, alcholism affects all races, creeds, education level and social level.
I am sorry you are going through this but more sorry for your sister. I am her. If I can do it she can too but she has to hit bottum and want it. That is what it took for me.
You didnt cause it and you cant cure it.
Seek out alanon=Please!

adviceneeded

Thank you Dee

I have looked into alanon and am looking SO forward to a meeting. I understand your statments and i know this is an open ended question and one that can probably never be truly answered BUT:

When is the bottom? Her health ( liver pancreatitis), now a near death fall, losing her children, her home, convulsions, detox centres, i feel my sister may die.

I went as long as 2 years not speaking with her. That i know didnt change the disease and the progression. This is not about me i understand and i feel terrible and devasted for how my sister must feel inside and the struggles she probably feels inside herself. I just cant imagine with everything that has happened what her rock rock bottom is....

Im scared for her.

catlovermi

Welcome to SR!

One great first step is to learn more about the patterns of the disease of alcoholism in the alcoholic and those around them from reading the "sticky" posts featured at the top of topics in this forum.

There is a wealth of information in them!

Here at SR and also in Alanon, you will find your peers: others who have the same experiences you face with an alcoholic in their life. As you share with them, you will hear their experience, strength, and hope in how they navigated their circumstances and came to find peace.

Please feel free to post as often as you need, and ask any questions you may have, and folks will come along and share with you. It's a bit light traffic on the weekends, so be patient, and people will eventually wander in! If not, repost your stuff again during the week when the traffic is heavier.

Welcome again, and sorry for your pain and frustration! We hope you find support here and in Alanon.

CLMI

sailorjohn

welcome!!!

This has helped me in the past, you may find it helpful also.

It is so much easier to accept life as it is and make the best of it - there is a catch however. When we accept reality, and let go of trying to force our will on life and other people, there are feelings to deal with. One of the reasons we keep trying to control someone else (to get an alcoholic to stop drinking for instance) is because with all that frustration and anger, mental obsession and rumination, we don't have time to stop and feel how much it hurts, or how scared we are, or feel the grief of letting that other person go. The reason we try to control other people is to protect ourselves from our feelings - and it is important to admit that. Of course we want what is "right" for them, what is good for them - but we don't know what their "right" path is. Some people are supposed to die of Alcoholism - that is their path.
--Robert Burney

Pelican

i feel terrible and devasted for how my sister must feel inside and the struggles she probably feels inside herself.

She's an alcoholic. She does not have the feelings and devastation that you a "normie" have. She drowns those feelings. She is numb. You showing up with your emotions out in the open is drama for her. She wants you to chill out and get her out of that restrictive environment and back to her booze. If you do that for her, she will be happy. She may not thank you, but she will be happy.

I'm an alcoholic in recovery. I am offering you my experience as an alcoholic and as someone in recovery dealing with an active alcoholic.

If you were to pick her bottom, you would have chosen this or past experiences to be her bottom. It is not for you to choose, however. That is the hard part. It is not for us to choose someone else's turning point from alcohol addiction.

I have started attending alanon. I do recommend alanon for you and your nephews. You mentioned a deadline of Monday. Whose deadline? She is an adult and she will make her decisions.

I am sorry that you are feeling hurt, angry, and helpless. Please take care of yourself and do what is best for you.

adviceneeded

Thank you Pelican:

Wow, your words mean a lot to me. I understand i cant choose her bottom..although id be lieing if i wish i could. As i am typing she is calling..and again i didnt answer. To take care of myself i have choosen not to assist her in getting out of the enviroment and back to the booze.

Monday , and i understand you saying she is an ADULT and will make her own decisions, but Monady i know my family member and Mother will be going to speak to the social workers to see if she does have options to go directly to rehab. let them know the history and family history so they can understand. I dont know if its right but ..if she chooses to take home care or makes the decision to leave the hospital without choosing a path towards healing they are going to leave and have to themselves make the choice we are all faced with : We can no longer anable in anyway .

I dont know what tomorrow will bring .. i know i will continue to speak to my sister cause i LOVE HER..

Pelican

This is a link from our alcoholism section:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

It helped me understand how alcohol had taken control of my entire life: mind, body and soul. Maybe it will help you understand your sister's complete addiction.

kelsh

Hi Needs Advice,

I have been going through this same thing with my Brother. It all started in 2000 when our Dad died & left the family home to both of us.

I did not know he was involved so much into alcohol that he couldn't work & did not have a clue that he used drugs...

It took a year to do the probate...I lived an eight hour drive away and was still working so didn't see him often & signed paperwork through the mail with the lawyer.

I have been sober 20 years & he started drinking & using drugs again when I quit...so his son thinks. Anyway to make this short....I had to have my Brother & his drug friends evicted from the five bedroom home & go there to clean out 50 years of family living....hired a contractor to do this for me...with some of my say on what would be sold or thrown.

I supported my Brother but I was in shock when I saw what had happened to the inside of our home....looked like crack houses you see on tv. Have you watched any of the Intervention shows....some of those places looked like the family home did.

I did not bail my Brother out of jail nor did I give him money. He went through the estate money in about four months and didn't have social security yet because he was not old enough.

Consequently I didn't hear from him for three years until he got the eviction notice & then he was trying to detox from methametaphine & alcohol....just upped his alcohol use.

He has been clean & sober since this past October & it was a heart attack that scared him into doing something. He told the doc what was going on with him...his son traveled to where he was staying to help him. His son has 10 years of sobriety now.

So I just kept my mouth shut other than we did talk a lot about our childhood together & lots of good memories & looked at family pictures. I was able to sell the house & we are getting $800 a month payments for three years & then a balloon payment at the end of the three years.

I have to get paid back what I spent to keep the house from going into foreclosure since I was a co-owner I felt responsible....such a very hard time for me but I knew I could not tell my Brother he had to quit drinking or using drugs....he had to decide that....we did discuss issues when he brought them up but that wasn't very often.

He feels guilty for what he put me through but I told him that is the past & that is what happened & we just need to keep looking ahead & enjoy the rest of our years here...I am 68 & he is 66...I love him so much & yet I had to do what I had to do to protect myself.

I wish you, your Mother, & his sons the best of everything...it is so hard for the whole family when someone is so ill....you, the family, need to give each other lots of hugs. :ghug2

kelsh