nowwhat

I am involved in a relationship that is unsatisfying, and has failed to meet my needs for two years now.

I've totally struggled with figuring out whether I'm just too needy or what it is about ME that is making this such a painful relationship.

I think I've figured it out: it's not my needs that are the problem, it's my ABF's inability to meet them. And yes, I am the problem too--but my desire for a close relationship is not unhealthy, it's that I am only attracted to men with whom a healthy relationship is impossible.

So yeah, it's me, but not in the way I've thought.

I want a relationship that is moving forward in terms of level of commitment, time spent together, "down time" together, not just dates, romance, and sex.

I want a partner who means what he says.

I want someone who cares about me consistently.

I am not really "needy"--in fact, I think I've buried my needs in every adult relationship I've had. Afraid that if I actually need anything, or ask for anything, I'll end up alone.

I need to figure out how to feel like I'm okay without a relationship.

I went to an Alanon meeting today, and hope to do this as often as I can.

I am very sad to think that my relationship needs to end, but it's dysfunctional on way too many levels, and if I'm honest, I am pretty sure my ABF would not be willing to change it. It's all about him, and always has been.

All of my relationships have been with men who are emotionally unavailable--some alcoholics, some addicts, some just totally self-absorbed. Every. Single. One.

Barbara52

Welcome! It sounds like you are beginning to get an understanding of why you have a broken picker (as some of us have called it) and that is wonderful! Realizing that you have a tendency to pick the wrong men is the first step to figuring out what you need to change to fix your picker so it doesn't happen again. Stick around and keep reading and posting.

nowwhat

Awful time last night.

ABF stopped drinking mid-January. He had been much more energetic and level, mood-wise, until recently. He goes through depressions and this is the first one since January. I had almost begun to think the depression was all hangover related, but apparently not.

I made an attempt to tell him that I am not feeling close right now. We don't spend as much time together as I want, the relationship seems "stuck" and it also seems since he quit drinking, we don't have much affection between us--little touching, much less sex, and nowhere near as many loving/romantic words. I have been trying to deal with this, thinking that he is adjusting. I admit that I have trouble being expressive too, and most of our relationship we have been drinking together (not super heavily, but definitely buzzed).

Anyhow, I decided I needed to tell him that the lack of intimacy is bothering me and that I feel lonely and like we've grown apart.

It was REALLY hard to bring up, because I never ask for anything.

So--he turns it all around on me, says I've blindsided him, acts hurt, angry, and tragic, and won't discuss it with me. He seems to think that he is allowed to behave however he wants because he is depressed.

When I am in a low mood (I also have a lot of anxiety and depression), I don't think it gives me a right to be completely selfish and self-absorbed. Of course, when it's ME that's down, he is very impatient and doesn't really seem to want to hear about it.

I ended up telling him I was just trying to communicate about my feelings and since he wouldn't, I left. Not in a huff, just felt like it was a waste of effort. Since we weren't drinking, it was REALLY easy to see his behavior in a different way--like he was just manipulating the situation and not taking any responsibility and actually pretty much acting like my feelings are of no importance to him. Reminded me quite a bit of a child, sulking and refusing to budge.

It hurt, but I was still glad I tried.

Today he sends me a note saying he feels closer to me than any other person in the world, but that he feels there is a barrier between him and the world (depression). As sad as this is, I couldn't help but notice that he just doesn't GET IT--I was communicating about MY feelings, not his.

This relationship has had a lot of craziness involved, not the least of which is that he has a pattern of telling me he wants to get serious (ie engaged) "in a few months" and making big, romantic plans, and then abruptly dropping the subject without even discussing it.

(At least I finally had the sense to realize that if I'm too fearful to bring this to his attention, I have no business entertaining marriage with him).

Sorry so long, I'm trying to see this in writing. I could go on and on and on but I will spare you all.

Thoughts welcome.

GiveLove

The hardest day of my life and the most freeing day of my life was the one where I realized that

a) I wanted and needed a certain kind of person in my life (see LaTeeDa's great thread "Dealbreakers") and
b) The man I was with was not, and could never be, anything like that person.

I stuck around for a long time trying to twist him into what I wanted, manipulating him in subtle ways - like you "I never ask for anything" - I thought if I just did and said certain things he would change. Truly, I dragged the thing on and on even long after I knew it wasn't what I wanted any more.

I too picked the wrong men. I was attracted to tragic, dark, pensive figures who had gone through similar pain to my own life. I was certain that they were the only ones who would understand me and they were the only ones interesting enough to hang out with. Be around healthy people? Boooooorrrringgggg. Not my style at all. They couldn't feel my pain.

Counseling, Al-Anon, and a short run of antidepressants really helped me to see the clear path through my situation. I also had to quit drinking altogether, because it too was clouding my judgment (along with his quacking and self-centeredness)

Hoping you too can find your way to something better. Counseling might be really, really helpful so you don't land in a sad situation again.

Good luck nowwhat!!

prairiegirl

I can second what GiveLove said. I, too, have had a pattern of attracting men who are emotionally unavailable, either because of alcohol or just self-centeredness. I was too afraid to stand up for what I wanted, which is quite normal by other people's standards, because I thought I would be left alone.

It's only been two years for you but trust me when I say that if you don't honor your feelings now, it could drag on for years with little or no change. My relationship was an example of that. I turned myself inside out for 16 years, trying everything I could think of to get my needs met. I wasn't asking for much.... just a little more time together, more intimacy, commitment and just being able to move forward with our relationship and life, like most normal couples do. I was just asking for what others take for granted in a relationship. As my counsellor said, "Do you want to keep settling for the crumbs under the table or do you want the full banquet?"

Trust me, unless he is willing to work on himself, not alot will change and the loneliness you feel now will only get worse. There is nothing worse than being lonely when you are in a relationship. I felt so alone, before he finally left, because he just didn't want to do anything except be left alone to drink.

I agree with GiveLove that counselling really helps not only with your present situation but to help you work on breaking the pattern that you and many of us have of attracting people who don't honor who we are. It's worked wonders for me and things are slowly getting much better.

My thoughts are with you.

nowwhat

Last night he called and said he's making dinner tonight for all of us (his child, my children and the two of us) and that he really does love me.

I'm not sure I'll ever be able to walk away. One nice conversation is all it takes to completely hook me again.

I think it would be easier if he were more extreme.

Barbara52

Only you can decide when you are done riding the rollercoaster.

If you cannot be strong for yourself, please consider what you are teching your children about adult relationships and behavior. They are soaking up all the dysfunctional lessons.

sosickofcycle

I swear I could have written all your posts on this thread! Except I have been waiting around for 15 years, not 2 (BEWARE!!! It can happen to you) My post from earlier this week entitled "This is the email" is a good example of me getting sucked back in so fast. I was shocked! Recognizing the patterns in ourselves is the first step I think. SO let's both keep on working on t, but we need to know that if they do not recognize what they have done, and take some responsibility for it, then there is little hope that they will ever recover from it. Peace today, if only today.

LaTeeDa

Classic example of listening to the words and ignoring the actions. All he has to do is say what you want to hear, and it's all better. Or is it? Now, you may argue that cooking dinner is an action, and no doubt it is. Every once in a while there is an isolated, miniscule action which is really nothing more than just quacking. I was once a sucker for the words. Once I learned to "listen" to the actions, consistent meaningful actions over time, things got much clearer.

L

nowwhat

Yes.

I really get it in theory.

(I'd actually probably be happier if I didn't).

I'm afraid to be alone--or should I say MORE alone? I have no support system, and a lot of anxiety.

We broke up last winter for six weeks. I freaked out for a couple of weeks and then began making real, positive changes--therapy, exercise, etc. and was feeling so much more clarity. Then we got back together and slooooowly all those changes fell to the wayside.

Current plan is to act "as if" we were broken up again (not too hard since we only spend a few hours together each week) and try to make those changes again.

I may be able to walk away when I'm feeling stronger. Today is not that day.

nowwhat

Fortunately, I don't have to make a physical plan--we don't live together, I own my house, have a decent job. There's also no abuse, unless telling someone you want to marry them occasionally and then dropping the idea like a hot potato constitutes abuse.

I guess what I need to work on are emotional exits. I really think the lack of a support system is critical. I did attend Alanon last weekend and am going to see if I can go this Saturday.

nowwhat

Update:

Last night was nice.

Before we got together, we had a conversation.

He says: Not to be divisive, but in an attempt to communicate--you say that our relationship revolves around my schedule. You never initiate any time together, invite me over, or ask to get together. When I'm in a low mood, I isolate. I would actually like it very much if you would ask me to do things, invite me over, etc.

I say: Well, you are right. I hate rejection so much that I don't even ask because it will hurt if you say no. So instead of having my feelings hurt, I nurse the anxiety and the feeling slowly builds, instead of just getting hurt "once" I have mild hurt feelings constantly.

He says: I tend to avoid conflict and ignore my feelings. It actually has been bothering me that you don't ever initiate anything.

I say: I also avoid conflict and ignore my feelings, until they build up so much that it all comes out in a torrent.

He says: This relationship is critical to me, and I want to work on better communication and being more open about our feelings.

The End

So, I know it's just "words" and not "actions" but at least I have been given an opening to express my needs. Now I just have to find the nerve to do it.

He also increased his anti-d med and scheduled an appointment with his therapist (he sees him fairly often).

I am going to work on finding another therapist. I loved my old one, but she moved out of town. I tried another, but she was too young and I just could connect.

Is it possible that I am part of the problem, in ways other than I had thought? Lol

I think it's worth thinking about, since there isn't any abuse?

Anyone have any startling observations? I am so blind in my own relationships...

LaTeeDa

The words are nice, but they don't mean that what was true a couple of days ago is now just in the past. Do his words change any of the above? Keep watching the actions to see if they match the words. Otherwise, you're just settling for empty promises. And those will never meet your needs.

L

kj3880

Is this what you want? Really???

KJ

nowwhat

I'm not sure what I want any more. I have become immobilized when it comes to making decisions, but I think I'm feeling some signs of life.

This weeks "nice to me" plan: find new therapist. Last spring that was enormously helpful to me.