An Hour of Mourning
 

My heart is heavy today. I am sad.
I don't want to have a whole day of mourning, so I've decided I'm going to have an hour of mourning.

I'm typing and crying and getting it out.

I miss my husband as he was 8 years ago. The man who looked me in the eyes and, without blinking, told me he needed to have my phone number. Who swore my smile lit up the room. Who teased me and tickled me and read to me on long trips in the car. The man who would kiss me for hours, knew all my stories, saw me at my worst and loved me anyway.

That man - he left a long time ago.

But, I didn't admit that to myself for quite awhile. I kept believing that Peter would be coming back.

He won't be.

Man, breaking up is hard to do - no doubt about it.
I know that I'm doing the right thing for me in the long run. I know that divorce is what I want, and I know that I don't want Peter as he is. But I am sad.

Thanks for listening.
-TC

Oh TC.. :ghug

There are no words really. I've come to understand (as a person who stuffed feelings so as to poison myself) that while it hurts, pain can bring healing. I hope you have healing.

((TC))

I admire you a lot TC, as prairiegirl told me, they say its easier if they'd die = as cruel as it sounds, at least there is some sense of finale. It is difficult to see the shell and know that no, the great person is no longer there. It brings me to my knees too.

ANYHOW.. you are right on track. I am trying to zoom out and remember that on the long run, it was all a huge learning experience, life itself... I am not taking anyone or anything with me... just my good memories, good memories of people when they showed their best to me, when I was at my best myself.

And let go of all the rest.
I'm with you (((TC))) I get so much wisdom from your posts TC. Hang in there and keep on posting.

:You_Rock_ :You_Rock_ :You_Rock_

(((((TC))))).....It's good to grieve. May your tears be cleansing for your soul.

I understand your sadness.
You sound like you are working through it in a very healthy way.

In hindsight we learn a lot from suffering.
Sorry for the end of your relationship. One day you will be able to put the pieces of your life back in a beautiful way.

:ghug3

TC, I too can relate to the grieving. In my case it comes AND GOES in waves. I used to be terrified of it as I felt as if my soul were tearing in two. But, I've learned I need to acknowledge my feelings because for decades I deneid and supressed them and used all sorts of coping behaviors instead. It sures saves me trouble to be honest and admit what is really happening.


To Every Thing There is a Season - Ecclesiastes 3. 1-8

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

:ghug :ghug

I've found that mourning the alcoholic is particularly complex. With "normal" mourning where a person dies, you feel the loss of their role in your life and of everything they were to you. You're left standing facing a big, gaping hole in your life.

In mourning acceptance of the alcoholic, we mourn the loss of the person we believe they once were, but this is overlaid with doubts that we ever really knew them, and then is further confused by the realization that in their place is a person you don't really know, and can't accept.

It's like we awaken from our denial, and find a stranger standing right in front of us, and our whole sense of security wavers because we wonder how much of the past was real, and how much was a figment of what we wished to believe, or what they wished us to believe. We're left with the huge hole of mourning, but the jarring sensation of a stranger invading the scene, too. We can't even mourn in private, because the stranger is ever there in our thoughts in this new reality, interfering with our mourning, distracting us. It's a mind-f***.

CLMI

You all are beautiful.

It is my time to weep - I'm sure the time will come again.

I weep, and then I scream!!!!

I had to leave the room to scream in the car when P started acting like I am insane or vindictive for insisting that he be ALCOHOL-FREE in order to care for our child (no "stopping for a few beers after work"). As if I'm imagining the past 2 years of irresponsibility and broken promises and rehab and relapse and 3 day binges and midnight phone calls from jail! What kind of crazy man thinks that after all that I'll just buy into the idea that he can drink like a normal person, no questions asked, no trial period needed, no child-care clause required!!!

ARGH.

I am not crazy. I am not vindictive. I am not backing down. He can fight me in court if he wants to - I will win.

:c009:

:praying for you,

Time heals everything,:ghug3

Divorce from a person not there anymore...
 

I can understand all of this. I was the alcoholic & I wanted the divorce after I went to treatment & sobered up...I thought. My husband drank but not like I did. :c004:

A lot of water has gone under the bridge & my second husband was no better but he drank like I did.

I am back with my first husband...have been sober 20 years & we remarried seven years ago. This does not mean this would work for everyone...it takes a lot of communication & trust & truth to be able to do this.

I was to the point in my life where I wanted to be sober more than anything else in my life....I had to get sober for myself and myself alone...the others came next. :a108:

My heart aches for those of you going through this now. It is almost like a love/hate feeling to the person we thought we knew. I am a Mom to five children & a Grandma to seven. My life is full of love & communication with a willingness to agree to disagree.....there are some very hard issues to deal with that cannot be changed but I am learning to change my emotional reaction to these issues to help protect myself from going over the edge.

Love to all of you out there working for a better YOU! :Val004:

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( TC))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

just offering hugs....
peace,
b

I went through that too, as so many of us have.
The think that kept me afloat in positive thoughts about it all was really knowing it was never my fault. It was a choice he made.
I made life my choice and we went in different directions.
2 years later I am happy. I think of him once in a while, but all I ever feel is sorry for him.

Healing only comes with time. Time makes us stronger. In the mean time, be very good to yourself.

Hello there TC, and have a (((( hug)))) I know that pain very well. I was married to a wonderful lady for 20yrs. Only the last few years did she turn to pain pills and become an addict. I also miss the woman I married, she was truly an angel.

Some day she may find her way to sobriety. I know that as long as I remained in that marriage I was _preventing_ her from finding recovery. She had a place to live, food to eat, rides to work, and on and on. Why _would_ she want to change, I was making it all too easy for her.

Today my life is worlds better. Once in a while I still remember the woman she used to be, but now I can remember the good times and _smile_. I am grateful for those wonderful years. In a manner of speaking, the woman I married _is_ gone. I cannot turn back the hands of time. Some day you will feel as I do. We all survive and overcome this most intense of all pains.

In the meantime, keep posting here. That's why we are here. To help each other make it thru this nightmare.

Mike :)

((((( TC )))))

You are doing exactly what you need to be doing right now.

We've got you in our circle of strength.

My heart is heavy today. I am sad.
I don't want to have a whole day of mourning, so I've decided I'm going to have an hour of mourning.

I'm typing and crying and getting it out.

You give yourself as much time as you need. It is part of the process and you are handling it well.

My girlfriend is a social worker. She is the one that reminds me to fully experience each of my emotions. It is the healthy process of grieving the loss of my marriage relationship. She also reminds me not to try and shorten the mourning stage, get it all out, all of it, don't put it off. (She knows, her 18 year old son was killed).

She also reminds me to get all the anger out. Punch pillows, yell, and scream. Don't keep that anger bottled up inside.

When I am feeling really lonely and hurt, she reminds me it could be worse. I usually feel lonely and hurt when I think about how my AH is not feeling the feelings I want him to feel about myself and the children. So here I am rolling in sorrow for my circumstances and crying and blubbering on the phone; and she tries to get me to see how it could be worse? wtf?? Now this next part may seem odd, but it works for me. The last visual she gave me went like this:

Yes, he is out partying and not thinking of you. But it could be worse. He could be out raping little girls and saving panties as trophies. At least you don't have that to deal with....

As gross as that is, as disgusting as that is, it makes me want to vomit; BUT at least my life is not as bad as all that! It works!

You keep feeling your feelings and ride them out. You are doing a powerful thing to live your life to the fullest.

Thanks so much for your post TC. I usually read everything you post and your responses and your attitude and strength has really helped with my own relationship ending.

Your post reminds me to feel the feelings. Lately, I often find myself stuffing them (they come up at the oddest times don't they?). I will work harder at feeling them. Thank you.

I'm thinking of you and if I have to be in this situation, this forum reminds me that I'm not alone.
Laurie

One of Al Anon's books is called Opening Our Hearts, Transforming our Losses. It deals with grief - and it covers all kinds of grieving: loss of a job, loss of a relationship due to alcohol, death of a sponsor etc etc. It is really thought provoking and helpful.

I bought it when I was ending a relationship and wanted to know about grieving a relationship, and now I am reading thru it again since my mom recently died.

Big hugs
Cats

Well, the person who said the difference between a bad day and a good day is about 24 hours? They were right.

I had a good long cry and a nice steering wheel slapping/screaming session, and today is dawning brighter and clearer.

There was an email from Peter this morning conceding that it must be very difficult for me to trust him with childcare. He doesn't appreciate my "tough" language in the legal documents, but he understands. He's going to sign the papers.

I think the differences between the relationship that used to be: the naive, eager-to-please girl that I was at 19 and the charming, kind man that I fell in love with -
these differences are highlighted so strongly in a divorce. We've gone from trust and care and inter-reliance to suspicion and "CYA" and get-it-in-writing. We're speaking in legalese instead of pillow talk.

That's a tough transition. Underlying all of it, there is love - but it's a new kind of love. We're setting up the boundaries for a new relationship while we grieve the old one's demise. Hard work!

I don't have the pesky "I shouldn't be feeling this way" thoughts anymore, though, and freedom from that negativity is wonderful. I know that I am feeling just what I should be. I am in the right place and moving forward to the next phase.

-TC

I'm glad you are having a better day today TC -- it is truly amazing what a difference a day can make.

Again, your strength and insight has inspired me. You are a few months ahead of me in proceeding with my separation and what is sure to be divorce. Your posts help me so much in moving forward with grace and maturity with what lies ahead.
I thank you for that.

Laurie