FlwrofFrgttng

just mostly lurking and reading in case anyone wondered. A lot of bad things happened for AH in the past weeks. He's on two week probation at his job (the cynical part... or maybe the realistic part of me says that this is why he begged and cried so hard to get back here), his drinking buddy got fired, he owes a fine for his charges, our son acts really shy around him now, etc. I've caught him crying a lot in the past few days. I just walk out of the room. I'm still angry. I let him come back but my blood is boiling. He claims that he's been trying and I can see an effort but for goodness' sake it's only been a few days. What does he want? A cookie? A gold star? And for what? For doing what millions of responsible people all over the world do every single day. I'm very, very angry. I try not to let it show because honestly there'd be no point. He wants to act like everything is hunky dory because he's been back for a few days and he's "making an effort". I can't be bubbly and happy and sing about rainbows and butterflies. Not when I'm angry and not when I really don't expect it to last. This started me thinking, even IF he did honestly change, would we be able to make it? I've got a lot of bile in me. A ton. I'm not the best at just letting things go and moving on either, if I were, I wouldn't have had a problem moving on the FIRST time he displayed these types of behaviors... Would I ever be able to forgive him even if he did get better? Ugh, another pointless post on my part. Here I go again constantly worried about something that hasn't happened yet and may not ever happen... THIS IS MY PROBLEM more than anything...

tallulah

For the first time ... I kind of prayed today..

Well I say prayed. I talked to the air hoping that a HP would listen. Asked for some guidance and courage and hope. I was feeling scare and unsure about the future.

And I opened my little book 'Hope for Today'. Just random opening to a page. And it said:

'Worrying will not protect me from the future. It will just keep me from living here and now'.

I read your post and thought I'd share. :ghug

catlovermi

Actually, this is a very good post. If you go back and read what you wrote, you will see you have outlined the need for help yourself, to work on the anger, resentment, etc.

Even if you jettison the pod (i.e., him), you are left with you.

So you see, what you are faced with is your own recovery.

Everyone here is on that path, so you'll have lots of company, LOL!

Feel hope, many of us know that rage you feel, and the confusion that goes with it. It feels like the center of the universe, like it will always be your reality, but it will go away if you embark on your own recovery, apply brutal self-honesty about your part in the "bile" and its making within you, and do the work to heal past it.

Sending encouragement,
CLMI

escape artist

i went through that intense anger, for a long time. i was afraid of it too, like when will i be over this? then i was informed that while i create this chemical of anger in my body long enough it will produce more receptors in by brain Needing the anger chemical, and then my body would help me subconsciously produce events to manufacture anger. that is when i determined to make a conscious effort to focus on the type of mood chemical i wanted to produce. the more i relaxed, the better i got. and i am not angry anymore. although i can still get angry about things, it has not consumed me. keep working your steps, you will get through the anger as you work on you. take care

GiveLove

Flwr,

I always took my anger very seriously.

There's a REASON why you're angry, just as there's often a reason why we get a fever, or have bad dreams, or feel afraid of a certain situation. I'm not the biggest fan of trying to stuff down legitimate feelings. There's a reason why you feel them: they have a job to do.

I am not remembering, so please forgive me for being thickheaded but: Why is it again that you felt this situation would be a good one for you to go back to? Why did you choose to continue with a person you have such resentment for?

And if I can throw in my two cents: Your question about being able to move on even if he does get better is NOT one that should be swept under the rug. It's critical to face that right now, in fact. For me, I KNEW the answer when I asked myself that, but I didn't want to face the answer, and so kept both of us in a hellish limbo for a long time.

Sometimes, too much damage has been done. Only you can decide that.

Wishing you luck!

FlwrofFrgttng

I don't know. I'm masochistic, maybe... Heck maybe I secretly like being angry. I'm really not sure. None of the reasons that I said he could come back for seem like good ones now. They all seem like so much smoke. I was having problems finding a job, I was worried about feeding my children after I paid the bills, I was worried about taxes on my house, I was worried about daycare. I was worried about him not paying child support because of his past history. Ugh, mostly just financial reasons so I can make sure that my boys are taken care of.

GiveLove

If that was your only reason, you may want to sit down with some friends and have a brainstorming session on how you can have that financial security another way.

Barbara Sher has a great book called "Wishcraft" where she outlines different tactics for getting what you want once you've identified them. I go back to that a lot when I have a situation that I can't seem to solve in a healthy way.

In our neighborhood, there's a big pretty old four-bedroom house that is shared by two moms who were left by their husbands. They share expenses, share cooking, their kids have playmates, etc. They had a crisis - needed money to survive their kids' deadbeat dads - and one advertised in the local paper.

There's ALWAYS a healthy way. As for liking being angry.....that's possible too. Sometimes that's a pattern we grow up with and just can't let go without professional help. Life doesn't feel normal without the anger and drama. Hoping you find your way through that.

FlwrofFrgttng

I've had some time to think about this. This is the real reason and it's very UGLY to admit. It was UGLY to find out that this is what is keeping me here. Maybe now that I know I can be strong enough to let it go. I am ANGRY because I spent a lot of time, effort, energy and MONEY doing what I felt was "being there" for my husband. Helping (or really bailing) him out of things, and doing what I *thought* that married people do for each other. I quit my job as a property manager to stay home and raise my children because it was supposed to be the best move for *us* financially. Then once I quit he didn't support me or my son. I spent more money to keep us floating because he couldn't/wouldn't hold down the fort. Now I'm in a position where I don't have financial stability because I did the things I did to *help us*. I feel that he OWES me to do this. To be a normal human being. To look out for me the way that I looked out for him. I have to accept that I chose to waste my resources on him. I feel doubly betrayed because I did these things for him with no expectation of a RETURN on it initially. And when I didn't even get the basic respect and courtesy due another human being from him, I started feeling used and counting costs...

Barbara52

Those are probably important realizations you've come to.

I too was angry at myself for allowing now xAH to use me, to allowing myself to think it was being a good supportive wife to let him sit on his behind and not contribute to the family in any way whatsoever because afterall he was having a hard time dealing with being fired and we all know male egos are fragile and blah blah blah. Two years of that and I finally had enough, recognized I was too angry to ever stay married to him and had too much self respect to allow the sham of a marriage to go on any longer.

Use you anger at yourself to find the road you want to be on. Recognize your mistakes and forgive yourself for them. You are only human and only wanted what a marriage is supposed to be. Can you go back to your former career as a propery manager? I know being the manager of an apartment complex often includes an apartment as part of the perks/salary.

timetogo

One of my biggest fears and one of the only reasons I was still hanging on to my marriage was financial -- so I know where you are coming from. Even when there where "good times" and things were calmed down, every time something came out of his mouth, I would cringe. I couldn't stand him any more -- not looking at him or hearing him -- nothing there any more. Anger was my main mood all the time. I began to hate the person I had become. I'm happy to report that since I have detached from his issues, I am no longer that angry person.

Knock on wood, he is continuing to pay what we have worked out. I have set myself up in a way that if he does not contribute, I can handle it. To do that, I had to finally admit that my miserable life and my pain was simply not worth worrying about losing a house or having to down size and budget or starting all over at 43 years old.

My other fear was being alone. I have actually grown to love being with myself and I am doing all the things I never seemed to have time for when I was wrapped up in his s***t.

I loved GL's example of the two women living together sharing expenses. How creative and it goes to prove, ya gotta do what ya gotta do!

For me, I hate change. I want security and peace. And I was no longer getting it in my marriage. I couldn't possibly worry any more or have any more anxiety without him than I was experiencing with him.

It still worries me and I still stress about it but I'm trying to take one day at a time and have an attitude of "crossing the bridge when I come to it". I feel like I have taken back my one precious life and you can too.
Laurie

Bernadette

I have to accept that I chose to waste my resources on him.

I had to accept this VERY SAME thing about myself in relation to my exH. I squandered my fortune!!!!

But the great thing about acceptance is that once you do it, once you really accept the REALITY (that has always been there) things shift, and new options emerge and healthier behavior can replace the yukky stuff.

good post. good insight! and gentle hugs to you as you continue this journey of self discovery!
peace,
b