naive

update:

I went to my friend’s house for a few days, to get out of this environment. it was very busy at my friend’s house because we were 6 people in 2 bedrooms. I didn’t have a moment to myself. I don’t think that I can live there, especially as I don‘t have access to the internet.

upon my return, I went to the housing people and discussed going to america for one month (again to clear my head), and they said that was fine and I wouldn’t get bumped off the housing list for my own flat.

ABF doesn’t seem to care if I am here or not. he only appears to care if I leave him the car and the boat (both which I paid for). in discussing splitting up, he said that we could sell the boat and pay his rent aurrears (£1000), and then he would transfer his flat to me and bugger off to Ireland (where his children live) in our car.

I did not agree to this because:

1. why should I pay his debt again?
2. I think he will not make it in Ireland
3. I think he will abandon the car there (£100 to cross back here)
4. I think he will end up at my door here eventually

I am concerned that if I go to america, he will sell the boat to get cash and take off in my car. I guess I don’t really care if he robs me of my last assets except that I think he will ultimately end up back here again when it doesn’t work out in Ireland.

when I came home from my friend’s, he said he hadn’t been drinking at all, which I am sure is a lie. when I left, he had £100 and when I returned he had nothing and there was no food., no toilet paper, no soap, etc.

last night, he went to his job as bouncer at a pub, came home at 2am (the bar closes at 1am), woke me up with his noise and then went into his room to smoke cigarettes in bed again. he said he could smoke in bed because he hadn’t been drinking, (although he said he had had 3 pints). so, fight again about me not feeling safe to go to sleep and him burning the house down again.

he finally went and smoked in the living room when I threatened to sell the car. then we had a big fight about me manipulating and controlling him.

finally, he went to sleep at 3am and then he’s up at 4am, looking for his cigarettes again. I ignored this because I was too tired to argue again and i finally went to sleep.

I feel pretty drained this morning and not sure what foot to put in front of the other.

I feel if I leave for a month to america, i imagine he will drink heavily. this is what he has done the other times I left in the past: drank so much that he is gaunt, bearded and exhausted. I know I can’t do anything about that, but where will I go when I return to wait for my new flat? this is my concern.

I spoke with the housing people about his rent aurrears debt and they said that because he had been evicted once already, they would move quickly to evict him if he didn’t pay the weekly amount due. I asked how quickly he would be evicted and they said 4 weeks.

so, the other issue is that when I return, he might already be evicted and all of my things are in this flat.

I’m running out of options here. can anyone see clearly through this mess? help!

marie

Barbara52

For the practical matters, can you put your stuff in storage somewhere perhaps? Can you leave your car and boat with someone you trust. Could he really sell your stuff without your permission?

There are always options to take care of "things" and to make the moves you want to make to improve your life. Some of those options may not be great ones. But you can make moves to improve your life even if it does mean losing some "things."

catlovermi

I'm just wondering out loud here: What is so appealing about staying in the UK, where this person is likely to bother you and disrupt your life? It seems there would be so many advantages to a long term time in the US (or anywhere), far, far away from him where he cannot re-enter your life.

If I found myself under your circumstances, I'd cash in everything that I paid for, pay my portion of whatever expenses are mine, and hightail it out of dodge for a long time, to rebuild my life and finances.

And I absolutely would not allow any human being to risk my life by smoking indoors, if they have a history of dropping cigarettes. That is insanity, and every day he is risking your life. I don't care what kind of fight it would get me in; I'm not about to let someone else's stupid behavior rob me of my life. I'd do whatever it takes to get that behavior away from me, today.

Staying around where a disruptive person can disrupt me is just asking for problems. He has trouble with boundaries and you are not successful in making or keeping them with him. You have by your report no local support system. You are young and still relatively mobile at your stage in life. Why are you chaining yourself to these sorts of circumstances, where failure is much more likely?

You make your own decisions, but you have to live (and possibly die) with the results. That "cheap" flat you are waiting for sounds really expensive, in other terms.

CLMI

Bernadette

First of all I'd like to say it isn't really your mess.
You have no debt.
You are on a list for a new apartment.
You own some valuable assets (car, boat).
You have an opportunity to take a month away from this situation and clear your head.

Why can't you just break up with this guy?

He doesn't own you.
You are not responsible for him or his future. Not at all.
You have the right to LEAVE!!!

Your friend's house in the country wasn't an option? I'm sure there are other private rooms you could rent that suit your needs.

You don;t want him to touch YOUR stuff while you are away. Then take responsibility for YOUR stuff and put it in storage or safekeeping with a friend.

You don't need need to see clearly through HIS mess. I think you just need a good "TO DO LIST, and a little plan of action that you stick to. That YOU stick to.

Take a deep breath and remember, you are free in THIS moment!!!

please stay safe!!! and take care of YOU!
peace,
b

naive

I know it is only things and my life is more important. It is just difficult to leave every single thing I own. Obviously, I need to move and move quickly. I don’t feel that I have time to sell things or put them in storage. I have £70 today and I think I will need that to get to USA.

CLMI, the advantage of living in the UK versus USA is that I receive free housing, £80/week and free medical here as a British citizen.

The main issue right now, for me, is the death by cigarette fire or cooking drunk.

I’m looking at flights for this Monday to the USA.

He just called. He is at the pub drinking. He just got paid, which is not a good thing.

There is a warning voice inside of me saying why can you not simply express your concerns for your life to ABF and have him respond in a reasonable, sane way? I know now that is not possible.

Thank you for your help. I hope I reached you guys soon enough. The education I have received here in the two weeks has opened my eyes.

Last night, I was reading the substance abuse forum and one woman was dealing with her fiance, a crack addict. As I watched her making her stand and considering her options, all of a sudden, her fiance was dead in a hotel room via OD. It was a reality check. I need to mobilize here.

naive

bernadette-

i think i can break up with this guy. our relationship status has not entered my head since i "woke up". i would like nothing more than to get a flat and go no contact right now. i think if i officially break up with him, it will make things much worse until i can make my exit, i think.

tallulah

I suspect many may wish they were in your position. I mean in terms of options.

You have somewhere away from it where you can have family around you, support, space to think and breathe and you have options open to you if you wish to return to the UK of a place to stay away from it. The world is your oyster.

The problem with taking that leap is we'll always find obstacles. The question you need to ask is.. are they really obstacles or am I making them obstacles. If something is important we find a way and the courage. You are important.

:ghug

naive

bernadette. i don't care if he touches my stuff, he's free to use it; rather. i think he will sell it, take the cash and run.

yes, i could sell it or store it, but i feel its more important to move quickly. it's just stuff. the car is in his name for insurance reasons as he drives and i don't anymore.

i'm sorry this is all so complicated. i'm thinking we should just forget about the stuff. i'm going to let it go, i think.

catlovermi

What about an interim solution such as a women's shelter? You have a good argument that the guy is a threat to your well being, and you can't control him. Just because he's not beating the tar outta you doesn't mean you aren't at risk of being dead by his "hands," even tonight.

It's good to see you have some ideas rolling, now, and your perspective is tuning to your needs.

We may sound a bit harsh at times in what we say, particularly when we see big red danger flags for someone's safety, but we want what's healthy for you, which is the ability for you to make healthy decisions for your own well being.

CLMI

naive

dear tallulah.

thank you for your perspective. from where i'm sitting, i didn't see it that way at all.

now if only i could find the energy to take a bus, 3 planes and a metro, i'd be sorted for the short term.

naive

cat lover-

i don't find you guys harsh, i appreciate the blunt truth, as i have accepted the unacceptable and find myself weakened and confused as a result.

my plan for tonight is to get my sleep in the early evening while he is working at the pub. i figure i can sleep from 7pm until 2pm and then be awake for his drunken return.

i have plenty of on-line things to do, like book a flight, which i can do in the early morning hours while he sleeps/drops cigs./whatever.

i will be awake then and would notice the fire. i'm trying to put a plan together to mobilize by monday. i need my computer to do that, so a shelter is less than ideal. plus, there aren't any here, i'm in a small fishing village.

catlovermi

Sounds like some practical, rational thought, given your circumstances.

Keep in touch here, and know that the damage you have sustained will surface more after you get away from it all, so it's good to have ongoing support and folks with experience to lean on, after you are out of the storm.

The thing is, there are reasons why we are attracted to addictive types, and want to help them. Those reasons speak to things in us that need to be addressed, or else plenty of folks on this board will attest to the fact that, though they SWORE they wouldn't, the pattern was just repeated, in the next relationship, until they addressed the underlying issues in themselves that led them to be attracted to such types.

A third party with experience in these matters (addiction damage/codependency) is very helpful to help one attain the growth one needs so one doesn't repeat the same relationship patterns. Alanon is free and full of experience in these matters, too.

tallulah

I know how this feels. I know the obstacles, real and imagined. It's scary. But it is ok.

Whatever you concentrate on will become central in your life. Make that you.

JenT1968

Hi Naive.
good to see you posting here. I find it really useful when I put down my plans and my reasons for them, because someone else will look at them and ask something really pointed that makes me realise that I am discounting a number of choices open to me because I've lived so long in this chaos that I don't realise they ARE options.

You're a british citizen, you're not working and your ABF holds the tenancy to the property. You're on a housing list, but you and I both know how long they can take to get to the top of, unless you have some factor that gives you priority and I don't imagine their is much social housing in a small fishing village going spare.

I know you live there at the moment, but you have the whole of the UK to look at relocating to. You don't have family nearby that can help, or a job that is keeping you there, have you thought about where else you could live to get out of this situation? SO unless I am missing something huge, you could live somewhere else? (doesn't have to be permanent). Somewhere with better job prospects or a college course or??

I have been going to therapy, my counsellor has been listening to my tales and has been going on about how positive this trait of adaptability that I have is. IF I were trapped in a dire situation, I would survive, because I would adapt. It wouldn't matter how crazy the situation I was in was, I'd find a way to carry on, to make the best of it.

BUT (and here's the important bit) I have to learn when I need to adapt to crazy situations that I truely am trapped in and when I'm NOT trapped. I tend to think I am because I don't see a large range of options open to me, I don't see that I am allowed to leave, to make my life anywhere.

We are not trapped, except by our expectations of life.

You don't have to wait for this housing officer, to find you a place, you might well be homeless soon anyway as your ABF hasn't paid the rent (which might well be classed as making yourself intentionally homeless), or you may be dead because he sets the place on fire. You are getting up in the middle of the night to ensure that doesn't happen. Can you sell the boat and the car for some key money and then get housing benefit?

Again this doesn't have to be permanent.

have a think about the range of options that you have, crazy dreams etc THAT DON'T DEPEND ON ANYONE ELSE while you are away and start taking steps in that direction .

take care
xxx

naive

ceridwen-

thank you for summarizing all that so concisely and for encouraging me to think outside of this box i find myself in.

i have applied for this fishing village and also, for the neighboring villages, so i'm open to not live here in the town. due to the prompting of members here, i reluctantly told the housing officer what was going on in my home (violence, drunkeness, alcohol poverty, etc.) and due to that, she bumped me up on the list as "going to be homeless soon" and gave me the maximum number of points. so, i feel that my chances are good to get housing soon.

additionally, i got some extra points locally, as my father is from this fishing village and the note from the council said "has necessary local connection". he died last year.

plus, i like it here and i've been here for 8 years now. i was teaching at the local college until i made the decision that it would be better to not have an income, as all that happened was ABF drank all his money and then my money was spent on food, rent, elect. etc.

i know, that is messed up thinking.

so, those are my reasons for this town in particular. the housing officer agrees that not paying the rent will leave ABF intentionally homeless and therefore, not entitled to housing but she has reassured me that will not be reflected on me. she's the one who placed him in this flat the last time he was homeless, so she knows firsthand herself.

thank you for all of your brainstorming. it's really helping me piece together a plan and work through my own reasons for this or that.

marie

Mr B

Naive, I recommend talking to Women's Aid. They have a freephone 24hr support line on 0808 2000 247. They can and will help you, if only to discuss your options for getting out of where you are.

Take care,
Mr B.

naive

thanks mr. b.

i looked at the women's aid webpage, took the quiz and answered yes to almost every question. i guess i qualify as domestically abused, a fact i don't really like accepting.

it's good to know that group is there, should it come to that. his last partner took the two kids and went to a refuge. i'm beginning to understand why and we've only been living together since august.

marie