Please help me LET GO & LET GOD....(long, sorry)
 

Please help me....am I doing the right thing??? Ugh, this A thing is CRAZY!!!!!! I'm a loving, caring person, and this desease is tormenting me. I feel so HELPLESS.

I posted long ago here, and many of you told me I needed to let my ABF hit bottom. I fought this, and kept rescuing him. I have prayed so hard for him.

Here's the current situation. He had a warrant since 2004 for a DUI he never went to court for. Plus he was driving without a license (my car, long story).
Well, a couple of weeks ago we got into a fight, and I just couldn't take it anymore....I called the police and turned him in for the warrant. Of course they let him out an hour later, on his own recongnance....:c004:
So, I never thought he would talk to me again, but I felt sorry for him because it's freezing weather here and he was walking to work, plus he had to see public defenders, and had a hearing sceduled that week, etc. SO....(enabler that I am) I phoned him & offered him my car. We ended up getting back together, and I contacted a good lawyer for him, and he honestly appeared to be ready to deal with this warrant even though he knew it might mean 6 months in jail. But long story short, we ended up getting into another fight, and broke up.

I finally decided it was time to LET GO & LET GOD.....and was doing GOOD, until today. His mom (who I am very close with) talked to him. He said we were through, and that I threw him into a lions den then dumped him (meaning turning him into the police), he doesn't know where he will come up with the $1500 lawyer retainer, plus he might be getting laid off at his (part time to begin with) job. He told his mom that he might just "not show" for THIS hearing......UGH.......ANOTHER WARRANT!!!!! Gosh, now I am a frantic mess. I LOVE this guy, I just want him to straighten out his life...with or without me. I'm questioning if the "tough love" is the right thing......I have been to alonon, and read the posts here.......they have to hit rock bottom, etc. But this is SO HARD. I know he's SICK.....he's had a very tough life. He was in a bad car accident when he was 15 that left him facially scarred, kids teased him, etc. He's 52 now and still has the scars.....he jokes about being "the REAL Scarface" but I know the wounds are deeper than skin deep.

God, every ounce of me wants to call him & encourage him to go to the hearing, deal with the DUI. I'm probably the closest person to him, as he doesn't confide much with anyone. But I sure do not want to HINDER his "bottom" or interfer with God's plan. DANG.....this is HARD!!!! Where does a person draw the line at "enabling" and "just lending a helping hand"?

And anyone who is religious, please say a prayer for me to KNOW what to do.

You know, when I was with my ex, I didn't have realize how crazy I had become. I spent so much time worrying about what he was doing, how he would be, that I didn't notice that I was just... consumed with it. I never even worried about myself, and honestly, I think I was much worse off than him. (For the record: we broke up, and he is just fine, as am I.)

best of luck to you. The particulars of your situation are not making total sense to me, but I hope everything turns out ok.

Thank you. I understand my post was in a rant, and confusing. Sorry!! This whole mess is so confusing....hard to know what is "helping" and what is "enabling"....ugh.

Thank you so much for being there for me.

You have helped your bf. You lent a helping hand when he needed a car. You stood by him and offered him support. You say you are a religious person. So I will give you an example of what I feel is giving someone support versus enabling. Perhaps this will give you some help as to what decision you should consider in your situation.

A crippled man sat by the pool at Bethesda for 38 years. Once a year, when the angel came to stir the waters so people could make it into the pool to get healed, this man claimed nobody would pick him up and place him in the pool when the waters bubbled up. So he languished by the pool for thirty eight years waiting for someone to pick him up and place him in the healing waters. When Jesus saw this crippled man, he did not put him in the pool, did he? He did not say to this crippled man, "Let me pick you up and put you in the pool so you can be healed."

Instead, he asked the man, "Would you like to be healed?" He gave the man the dignity to have the FREE WILL TO MAKE HIS OWN DECISION as to whether or not he wanted to get up and get into that pool. Jesus did not pick up that man and place him in the pool, although he could have done so. Instead, he told him, "Stand up, pick up your mat and walk!" This guy had been whining for all those years that nobody would pick him up and place him in the pool, somebody always beat him to the pool, waah-waah-waah. That's a pretty long time to sit around doing nothing and waiting for and enabler to come along to do something this man could eventually figured out how to accomplish himself.

I think that may give you an idea, from a Biblical/religious perspective of the difference between offering support and enabling.

Hope it helps. Best of luck.

Just so I have the facts straight

He has a warrant for a DUI, failure to appear, so he has a suspended license

So you let him drive your car

in some sort of effort to "help" him, or actually just because you fought, you call the Police on him

You get angry at the Police for letting him go (you may want to learn something from them here by the way, they seem to know something you don't, like how to let an alcoholic go)

Then you let him drive YOUR car again???????

You get him arrested then loan him YOUR car and then YOU get him a lawyer??????

So YOU do all this but you want HIM to straighten out HIS life???

...

........

The mind reels, I don't want to be harsh but, I'd stop worrying about him and start worrying about you

If he gets pulled over it aint gonna be him that loses his car, you might want to keep that Lawyer on retainer, you'll need him trying to get your own car back, especially if a judge hears this story. You will also be liable if he gets in an accident, and you may not be so lucky to get out of jail after an hour if he's drunk at the time and you loaned him your car after you called the Police on him showing you knew he had a suspended license. That stuff has a way of coming out in court.

What if he kills someone driving YOUR car while he's drunk after you called the police on him?

You are laying yourself open to a world of legal and personal hurt here.

The steps in Alanon say something about being powerless (check) and our life being unmanageable (check) then it goes on to say something about being restored to sanity.

Step Two would be looking very attractive to me about now if I were in your shoes......because the situation you have described here sounds....frankly ...insane....yeah he's an alcoholic, and that's what alcoholics do, but to call the Police on him, then look for a Lawyer for him and let him borrow your car is not healthy behavior.

Get Help....You don't have to live like this any more....

anubus-

i'm new here too and i am continually amazed at how my ABF does the same thing as all the others! i thought it was just him! but now i understand that it is the alchohol.

is your boyfriend still drinking?

i too bailed mine out of jail 3 times for driving stuff. i couldn't bare the thought of him in jail at the time. it cost me a lot of money to get him out but i was happy to do it at the time.

you know what, he didn't even thank me. and now, that he has bled me financially, he doesn't even give me enough money to buy our food.

if i was you, i would go no contact with both the mother and him. it might be best if you have no idea what the status of his court dealings are. if you remain in contact with the mother, you will continue to be drawn into the drama.

marie

Please look after yourself. I know that it is hard this must be for you, but imagine this scenario.....

He is forced to deal with the consequences of his actions. He has to either pay for or dismiss his attorney. He has to walk/take the bus to work. He has to fill out job applications or unemployment forms for himself. He has to decide if his drinking is worth all of the problems it is causing.

You get a good night's sleep. You wake up refreshed and go to work. You tell him that you know he can handle all of this for himself because he is a perfectly competent adult. You allow him to gain that confidence in himself. You allow yourself to feel at peace by removing yourself from his drama.

Huge hugs to you! I hope everything will settle down for you soon. :ghug3

HG

I may be reading too much between the lines but are you perhaps thinking that when he hits rock bottom he will understand he is an alcoholic and have a spiritual awakening?

If so, the only problem with that thinking is that his rock bottom may be drinking himself to death and you may end up spending the rest of his life, hoping that things will change.

Keep going to Al-Anon. The steps and slogans are for your happiness, not to manipulate the alcoholic. Just so as you know I'm not criticising you, I have done a similar thing before I understood the program.

anubus, read your old threads. Look at what was said to you then. I can't think of a single thing to add other than to say nothing changes til something changes. That something must be YOU.

Anubus,

You must remember that the mess he is in is because of his OWN actions. If you love him you will do the right thing and let him FACE the consequences of his own actions.

His "woe is me pleas" have led you to do codependent things (i.e. letting him drive your car w/o license) that are hurting not only him but YOURSELF. If you have ever heard alcoholics in long term recovery speak you will hear them say that are GRATEFUL to the person/persons/ situations that forced them to face the consequences of their drinking.

You need to get some distance from him and his Mom so you can see things more clearly.

THinking of you and praying you'll do the right thing.

Hi Anubus -- I'm glad you are here. This forum is filled with such wonderful, experienced people. I truly don't think I could have managed the past few months without it.

I have done what you have done many many times. I continually blamed my unhappiness on my husband's drinking and drugging -- it was his fault that my life was unmanageable. My behaviour only enabled my husbands disease to get worse. I was the soft place to fall, the one who would bail him out of everything, figure out financial problems caused by his disease and always stand beside him. It simply made him sicker. I had to step back and look at my contribution in all of this. When I realized that I was helping his disease to progress, it was fairly "easy" to let go and let god. I could not help him doing what I was doing -- only make it worse.

When you make the decision to allow him the full force of the consequences of his behaviour, it will be freeing. He will be fine. He will handle it. You have to let go of controlling his life and begin to control your own.

take care of you
Laurie

Feeling sorry for the alcoholic is one of the worst things we can do.

My AD has made her own choices, poor though they may be.

I don't feel sorry for her when she ends up in jail.

I don't feel sorry for her when she gets kicked out of yet another house due to her chaotic lifestyle.

I don't feel sorry for her that she's chosen to work the system to get disability, thereby sitting on her duff the rest of her life.

I have turned her over to God, and left her there.

When I read your post (and your previous posts) all I see is efforts to CONTROL. You want to 'help' him so he will get better. You want him to hit bottom so he will get better. It seems everything you do has the ulterior motive of controlling him.

You are not that powerful. He is a 52 year old adult, not a child. You have absolutely no control over him or how his life will turn out. Until you accept that, you will continue to struggle.

L

This was hard for me to figure out, too. I have read a lot of stuff about doing things for others that they can and should do for themselves, helping people who don't want my help, etc.

What finally became clear to me is that it's all about my motivation. I know I am enabling when I expect something in return for my help (love, affection, sobriety, or whatever). I nearly 'helped' my AH to death. And I kept a mental tally of 'all I had done for him' and how much he 'owed' me for it. When I am truly helping, there is no expectation of anything in it for me. My only motivation is kindness.

I have a story that illustrates what I mean. 20 or so years ago, I worked for a company who employed a very talented young artist. Everyone who worked there knew she had a herion addiction. When it got to the point of interfering with her work, the company valued her talent so much that they sent her to a residential rehab. It was less than two months after she returned that she went back to her addiction. Finally, the company had no choice but to fire her. Another friend I worked with told me one day that S had shown up at her office asking for money. Being young myself, and very judgemental at the time, I said "I hope you didn't give her any!" My friend explained that she did give her some money because it was the kind thing to do. She also told me that she made it clear that it was a one time gift, no repayment expected. She told the young junkie not to come back again, because there would be no more gifts or loans. She wished her well and told her that she loved her. I've long since lost touch with that friend, but I often remember the valuable lesson she taught me that day. What she did was not enabling as I see it, even though the money she gave most likely was spent on smack. She gave freely with no expectation and didn't get sucked into an endless cycle of giving and giving and giving, all the while being disappointed in the results of her giving.

I don't know what ever happened to that young artist, but I do know that my friend did what her heart told her was right and never regretted it.

L

He's living the result of his choices, and you are living the result of yours.

CLMI

Thank you all for the wonderful replies. I truly appreciate them.

After praying all day and speaking with a minister and 2 church friends, here is what I decided to do. I welcome any opinions, because this is all so complicated, and if I'm doing something wrong then I need to know.
Since I feel he may be chickening out on facing the DUI, he mentioned to his mom that he was thinking about not showing, that I had thrown him into the lion's den, and now abandoned him....I know he is scared to DEATH over this thing. I honestly don't know why, it's only a stupid DUI, no accidant etc, second offense (10 years apart) so WORST case scenerio is 6 months jail....but he is literally scared to death. The minister (who knows BF and the situation), brought out that getting the warrant lifted was a GIANT step for him, which is a very good point (I know, it was forced when I called the police, but regardless, he WAS ready to face it when I was encouraging/helping him). And the church ladies know him too, and they both think that he does WANT to straighten out his life, but is having problems doing it. They do agree that I should not enable him though, so the issue is where to draw the line on enabling versus helping.
By me not having contact with him, and from what his mom said, he may be running scared again now. His mom is not much help, she kinda encouraged him to leave the state and run from the hearing....urgh!! And honestly, he has no friends that he would open up to, I am probably the closest person to him. I am the only person he even confided in about the warrant to begin with. I don't want to see him chicken out. SO, I am going to offer to help him with the DUI ONLY......help, NOT enable, and I plan to make that perfectly clear. Helping as in being there for emotional support (encouraging him that he CAN do it, that it's going to be okay in the end, he'll finally be getting this behind him and going on with his life, etc). If he needs a ride to lawyers, hearings, etc I will DRIVE him, but NOT allow him to use my car etc. As for financial, I haven't decided yet. If he comes up with most of the money on his own for the lawyer, then MAYBE I'll LEND him the rest. If not, then he'll just have to use a public defender, simple as that.

Honestly, he may even refuse my HELP when I lay restrictions on it, but then so be it, I guess I have my answer!

As some mentioned above, I tried very hard to examine my intentions etc. I truly want to see him straighten this crazy 2004 DUI up....I think it will be a heavy weight off his shoulders, and give him some much needed confidance. I am totally NOT trying to control him, or make him love me, or anything like that. I'm moving on with my life, just doing for him what I would offer any friend of mine who was in trouble. I know I can't cure him, but I truly want to see him put this legal thing behind him. If he screws it up again after that, oh well then he has nobody to blame but himself.

Okay...(yikes)....go ahead and sock it to me with replies...lol. Should I call the codie police, or does this sound okay?

Call the codie police. :codiepolice

How old is his mother? I so couldn't be dealing with a 52 year old man that was still telling his mother all his problems. Don't you want a grown up?

I think that the comments from Prodigal, AGO, Barbara, Freedom and Anvilhead have said it all. Your bf is hooked on booze and feeling hard done by, while you are hooked on "saving" him from the nasties. Sorry dearie, but as an enabler to 2 drinkers for over 45 years, I see you are not a helper but an enabler. Get off the treadmill as it doesn't get you anywhere, solves nothing, helps nobody and only makes you tired out and dizzy.