Just feeling so lost right now, be gentle with me please.
Formerly known as soconfused11
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
Just feeling so lost right now, be gentle with me please.
I feel so messed up....
Before, when Chris and I would break up, then he would come crawling back being so sweet...it was much easier. I got caught up in it, had hope, enjoyed the honeymoon. Didn't think about the future. Didn't play the tape all the way through. Just thought about the immediate gratification and thought it would get better, THIS time for sure.
It's so different now. Because I know more now. I will get hurt again if I choose to allow him back into my life. We can't make a healthy relationship together. My son is so affected by my poor choices. Now that I am talking to Chris again, my thoughts are obsessive in nature. I feel like I'm losing my power. I feel like I'm slipping but just can't quite pull myself up, so I grabbed onto a rope and I'm hanging on, but barely.
Why with all this knowledge, do I still struggle so very much? Am I weak? Am I crazy? I know what the right thing is to do, but don't want to do it. But don't want to just let him back in either.
The thought of ending contact again makes my heart ache. My heart aches now. It's like either way, there is pain.
Before, when Chris and I would break up, then he would come crawling back being so sweet...it was much easier. I got caught up in it, had hope, enjoyed the honeymoon. Didn't think about the future. Didn't play the tape all the way through. Just thought about the immediate gratification and thought it would get better, THIS time for sure.
It's so different now. Because I know more now. I will get hurt again if I choose to allow him back into my life. We can't make a healthy relationship together. My son is so affected by my poor choices. Now that I am talking to Chris again, my thoughts are obsessive in nature. I feel like I'm losing my power. I feel like I'm slipping but just can't quite pull myself up, so I grabbed onto a rope and I'm hanging on, but barely.
Why with all this knowledge, do I still struggle so very much? Am I weak? Am I crazy? I know what the right thing is to do, but don't want to do it. But don't want to just let him back in either.
The thought of ending contact again makes my heart ache. My heart aches now. It's like either way, there is pain.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi sodetermined
Its not as difficult as you think..
On one side you have the crocodile's swamp that you already know so well. The swamp may look tranquil now, but it is a matter of time until the crocodile grabs you, every time with more hunger!
On the other side you have a rainbow full of promise.
Perhaps, as others have told you, you need to fall back, until the damage done to you is so great the crocodiles do not seem attractive to you anymore.
Why do you HAVE to decide anything now? Can't you take some time to look back, reflect?
:codiepolice :codiepolice :codiepolice
Its not as difficult as you think..
On one side you have the crocodile's swamp that you already know so well. The swamp may look tranquil now, but it is a matter of time until the crocodile grabs you, every time with more hunger!
On the other side you have a rainbow full of promise.
Perhaps, as others have told you, you need to fall back, until the damage done to you is so great the crocodiles do not seem attractive to you anymore.
Why do you HAVE to decide anything now? Can't you take some time to look back, reflect?
:codiepolice :codiepolice :codiepolice
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
Before, when Chris and I would break up, then he would come crawling back being so sweet...it was much easier. I got caught up in it, had hope, enjoyed the honeymoon. Didn't think about the future. Didn't play the tape all the way through. Just thought about the immediate gratification and thought it would get better, THIS time for sure.
It's so different now. Because I know more now. I will get hurt again if I choose to allow him back into my life. We can't make a healthy relationship together.
Do I still hurt? Yes. Do I still miss him occasionally? Yes. Do I regret ending it with him? No. Not at all. I have grown and learned so much over the past 8 months that I can't imagine going through all of that chaos and turmoil again - no matter how much I loved/love him.
Please let yourself feel whatever it is you NEED to feel. I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone and you definitely have some tough decisions to make for YOU and your son.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I agree with Anvil. He is your drug. You are addicted. I was, too.
Here is a little of what helped me. I had to be brutally honest with myself. I had to admit that what I was getting from him was something I needed--even craved. I wanted so badly to be loved, cherished, special, etc., that I was willing to take some moments where I felt that way with him. The crumbs of affection he kept tossing me were enough to keep me coming back because I feared living without those crumbs. I feared that no one would ever need me. And I needed to be needed. It was what made me worthwhile, special, lovable.
These are the uncomfortable truths I had to face about myself. I may have faced them on my own eventually, but I believe if it weren't for my counselor I would still be struggling with these unhealthy beliefs, even three years later.
If you do not want to go to Alanon, I strongly suggest you find a competent therapist to help you sort through the self-destructive urges you are having problems with. It really is a matter of life and death--not only for you, but for your son.
L
Here is a little of what helped me. I had to be brutally honest with myself. I had to admit that what I was getting from him was something I needed--even craved. I wanted so badly to be loved, cherished, special, etc., that I was willing to take some moments where I felt that way with him. The crumbs of affection he kept tossing me were enough to keep me coming back because I feared living without those crumbs. I feared that no one would ever need me. And I needed to be needed. It was what made me worthwhile, special, lovable.
These are the uncomfortable truths I had to face about myself. I may have faced them on my own eventually, but I believe if it weren't for my counselor I would still be struggling with these unhealthy beliefs, even three years later.
If you do not want to go to Alanon, I strongly suggest you find a competent therapist to help you sort through the self-destructive urges you are having problems with. It really is a matter of life and death--not only for you, but for your son.
L
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by sodetermined 
I feel so messed up....
Before, when Chris and I would break up, then he would come crawling back being so sweet...it was much easier. I got caught up in it, had hope, enjoyed the honeymoon. Didn't think about the future. Didn't play the tape all the way through. Just thought about the immediate gratification and thought it would get better, THIS time for sure.
It's so different now. Because I know more now. I will get hurt again if I choose to allow him back into my life. We can't make a healthy relationship together. My son is so affected by my poor choices. Now that I am talking to Chris again, my thoughts are obsessive in nature. I feel like I'm losing my power. I feel like I'm slipping but just can't quite pull myself up, so I grabbed onto a rope and I'm hanging on, but barely.
Why with all this knowledge, do I still struggle so very much? Am I weak? Am I crazy? I know what the right thing is to do, but don't want to do it. But don't want to just let him back in either.
The thought of ending contact again makes my heart ache. My heart aches now. It's like either way, there is pain.
Before, when Chris and I would break up, then he would come crawling back being so sweet...it was much easier. I got caught up in it, had hope, enjoyed the honeymoon. Didn't think about the future. Didn't play the tape all the way through. Just thought about the immediate gratification and thought it would get better, THIS time for sure.
It's so different now. Because I know more now. I will get hurt again if I choose to allow him back into my life. We can't make a healthy relationship together. My son is so affected by my poor choices. Now that I am talking to Chris again, my thoughts are obsessive in nature. I feel like I'm losing my power. I feel like I'm slipping but just can't quite pull myself up, so I grabbed onto a rope and I'm hanging on, but barely.
Why with all this knowledge, do I still struggle so very much? Am I weak? Am I crazy? I know what the right thing is to do, but don't want to do it. But don't want to just let him back in either.
The thought of ending contact again makes my heart ache. My heart aches now. It's like either way, there is pain.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 19
Dear sodetermined,
No you are not bad or stupid for falling into the alcoholic's web again. It is easy enough to do, unfortunately. The good news is you still have the insight into what would be the healthy choice to make at this time. I hope this will grow and grow in you. Yes, you might have to be burned some more to realize that ( I hope not but that happens to the best of us sometimes).
Can you tell yourself that you will be O.K. without his presence in your life?
You will be and you need to believe that! It is possible to love someone from a distance because you know being in relationship with them will hurt you. It means using your head over your heart because you LOVE yourself enough to do so.
No you are not bad or stupid for falling into the alcoholic's web again. It is easy enough to do, unfortunately. The good news is you still have the insight into what would be the healthy choice to make at this time. I hope this will grow and grow in you. Yes, you might have to be burned some more to realize that ( I hope not but that happens to the best of us sometimes).
Can you tell yourself that you will be O.K. without his presence in your life?
You will be and you need to believe that! It is possible to love someone from a distance because you know being in relationship with them will hurt you. It means using your head over your heart because you LOVE yourself enough to do so.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 119
I too didn't want to end it with my XABF, and it took a lot to get me to finally change my # and go no contact and stick to it. I will always have a special place in my heart for my XABF. There is a part of him that I will always love, but that part of him is masked in so much self destructive pain that that part of him is not around anymore. We were both down in the gutter together towards the end of our relationship...two codependant addicts living together and slowly destroying ourselves. He was drinking nonstop and trying to hide it from me...and I was eating food nonstop and trying to hide it from him....we were sick together until I had to make a choice for myself .....to save myself....which was one of the toughest decisions I have ever had to make....to leave him behind and seek help for myself. Does it hurt....Hell yes it hurts, but I am finally on a path of recovery for my addiction that is going to get me to a happier, healthier life....it isn't easy but it's worth it.
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
I had to make a choice for myself .....to save myself....which was one of the toughest decisions I have ever had to make....to leave him behind and seek help for myself. Does it hurt....Hell yes it hurts, but I am finally on a path of recovery for my addiction that is going to get me to a happier, healthier life....it isn't easy but it's worth it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by sodetermined
No doubt about that. He is my DOC.
You simply cannot break an addiction this way. It instead becomes one l-o-n-g withdrawal that waxes and wanes, but never finishes.
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by sodetermined
No doubt about that. He is my DOC.
Alanon?
Therapy?
No contact?
Anything?
Or maybe you're not ready to quit, just like he's not ready to quit drinking?
L
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: TX
Posts: 163
Oh hon....I am you. I have gone round and round with my abusive AH for over 20 years. It hasn't worked. We are now separated again and I'm looking into divorcing him for the 3rd time.
Chris is not what you and Ryan need. I think we get addicted to the highs in these relationships. The good times are SO good but the bad times are SO much worse.
You are young and beautiful and smart and you have the potential to have ancredibly blessed life if you can let him go. No man can fill what is missing in you (or me). You have to be healthy in order to be in a healthy relationship.
Can you get some counseling? You've gotten some great advice but you are your own worst enemy, hon.
Take a break, get some rest, and love yourself okay?
Lots of love,
Sunny
Chris is not what you and Ryan need. I think we get addicted to the highs in these relationships. The good times are SO good but the bad times are SO much worse.
You are young and beautiful and smart and you have the potential to have ancredibly blessed life if you can let him go. No man can fill what is missing in you (or me). You have to be healthy in order to be in a healthy relationship.
Can you get some counseling? You've gotten some great advice but you are your own worst enemy, hon.
Take a break, get some rest, and love yourself okay?
Lots of love,
Sunny
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Yes, there is pain in both decisions, that is the truth.
What is also the truth is that down one path is spiritual growth and the pain lessons with time as we grow.
Down the other path is just pain.
(((((())))))
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
What is also the truth is that down one path is spiritual growth and the pain lessons with time as we grow.
Down the other path is just pain.
(((((())))))
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 125
Your Decision
Hi SoDetermined.
I like your user name. You may want to take a deeper look at it.
I know it's tough. My goal this month is to put an X in front of ABF, and add "who moved out" to the term.
When you are ready, you will do what it takes. I've talked to friends, I've been on this board, I've read books. But I wasn't ready to let him go until only very recently. Like with any addict, the decision for you has to come from within.
There's something making you want to cling to him. But what? There are millions of theories. But which one is your story?...But first - things have to work in a certain order:
1) Decide you don't want to be with him, under any circumstance.
-you have to declare war first in order to have a war
2) Decide what you will do to make it happen - emotionally and physically.
-you have to have a plan to deal with the feelings that come after the deed is done; and you have to physically separate yourself from him, too. Including new phone numbers.
3) Decide on a maintenance program.
-you have to determine what you have to do to maintain your new attitude about him.
What works? Try any one of the pieces of advice you find here, but stick with it. Find a NAC. Anthony Robbins calls Neuro-Associative Programming the way we neurologically associate things with things. So "he is your doc" means, to your subconscious mind that he heals you. But...he doesn't. That means it's contradictory. So, stop associating him with a healer, and associate him with a destructive object. And remove "my" to remove the feeling of belongingness. It's all in our minds and self talk.
While it's not easy to emotionally detatch ourselves, there is a process you can follow to stop conditioning yourself to believe he is "the one". Use the information out there, that is designed to help humans release negative thoughts, needs, behavior, activities and habits. If you really want to release the drama, you can do it. It hurts, but you have to want to free your life of this heavy weight before you can make it happen. And that's releasing the illusion. The illusion that he is "the one", "your doc", he belongs with you.
By the way, who is "he"? Have you taken the equation and added who he really is (not who he was) to the equation? I finally did, and though it took me weeks to be able to say it, he's not the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with anymore. Key word is: "anymore". He once was. And we all change.
Thousands of people who have experienced the pains and destruction of living with an addict can't be wrong. I finally gave in, and accepted that they are right. And I choose me over the destructive life, the only life, that this man can offer me. He just wants a roof over his head, and a warm body to sleep next to. It's scary at night.
If it were about "me", he'd have done what it takes to have a real and healthy relationship. But he did not.
Here are two great books to read by Toby Rice:
Getting Them Sober Volume 1
Getting Them Sober Volume 4, Separation Decisions
Wait till you get the the part about him eventually getting wet brain in volume 1. It'll blow your mind and then you'll realize you may very well not want THAT kind of drama in your life.
If anything, stay close to this board. The people here are compassionate and caring, just like you. But they've been through it, so learn and benefit from their experiences.
:ghug2
Good luck.
Ready...ToGetGoing
I like your user name. You may want to take a deeper look at it.
I know it's tough. My goal this month is to put an X in front of ABF, and add "who moved out" to the term.
When you are ready, you will do what it takes. I've talked to friends, I've been on this board, I've read books. But I wasn't ready to let him go until only very recently. Like with any addict, the decision for you has to come from within.
There's something making you want to cling to him. But what? There are millions of theories. But which one is your story?...But first - things have to work in a certain order:
1) Decide you don't want to be with him, under any circumstance.
-you have to declare war first in order to have a war
2) Decide what you will do to make it happen - emotionally and physically.
-you have to have a plan to deal with the feelings that come after the deed is done; and you have to physically separate yourself from him, too. Including new phone numbers.
3) Decide on a maintenance program.
-you have to determine what you have to do to maintain your new attitude about him.
What works? Try any one of the pieces of advice you find here, but stick with it. Find a NAC. Anthony Robbins calls Neuro-Associative Programming the way we neurologically associate things with things. So "he is your doc" means, to your subconscious mind that he heals you. But...he doesn't. That means it's contradictory. So, stop associating him with a healer, and associate him with a destructive object. And remove "my" to remove the feeling of belongingness. It's all in our minds and self talk.
While it's not easy to emotionally detatch ourselves, there is a process you can follow to stop conditioning yourself to believe he is "the one". Use the information out there, that is designed to help humans release negative thoughts, needs, behavior, activities and habits. If you really want to release the drama, you can do it. It hurts, but you have to want to free your life of this heavy weight before you can make it happen. And that's releasing the illusion. The illusion that he is "the one", "your doc", he belongs with you.
By the way, who is "he"? Have you taken the equation and added who he really is (not who he was) to the equation? I finally did, and though it took me weeks to be able to say it, he's not the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with anymore. Key word is: "anymore". He once was. And we all change.
Thousands of people who have experienced the pains and destruction of living with an addict can't be wrong. I finally gave in, and accepted that they are right. And I choose me over the destructive life, the only life, that this man can offer me. He just wants a roof over his head, and a warm body to sleep next to. It's scary at night.
If it were about "me", he'd have done what it takes to have a real and healthy relationship. But he did not.
Here are two great books to read by Toby Rice:
Getting Them Sober Volume 1
Getting Them Sober Volume 4, Separation Decisions
Wait till you get the the part about him eventually getting wet brain in volume 1. It'll blow your mind and then you'll realize you may very well not want THAT kind of drama in your life.
If anything, stay close to this board. The people here are compassionate and caring, just like you. But they've been through it, so learn and benefit from their experiences.
:ghug2
Good luck.
Ready...ToGetGoing
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Nope, I'm not going to be gentle with you! I'm not going to love you to death. You are almost there! You are almost ready....one more little push...
When the pain of remaining (and keeping your son in there with you) in this destructive and sick relationship becomes greater than the pain of being alone for a little while, you will push him out of your life.
I think that you are looking for a pain-free way out of this. The bad news is there is no pain free way out. The good news is that the pain will end, and sooner than you can ever imagine. Rip this used-up, bloody, nasty bandaid off of the oozing infected wound that this relationship is on your life and let the air of time heal it. Sorry, wanted to go for a graphic image. You can do it...see a doctor if you need help to get this bandaid off!
Love,
KJ
When the pain of remaining (and keeping your son in there with you) in this destructive and sick relationship becomes greater than the pain of being alone for a little while, you will push him out of your life.
I think that you are looking for a pain-free way out of this. The bad news is there is no pain free way out. The good news is that the pain will end, and sooner than you can ever imagine. Rip this used-up, bloody, nasty bandaid off of the oozing infected wound that this relationship is on your life and let the air of time heal it. Sorry, wanted to go for a graphic image. You can do it...see a doctor if you need help to get this bandaid off!
Love,
KJ
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Thanks all for this thread, ReadyToHelp, thank you very much.
I am with kj3880
:codiepolice :codiepolice :codiepolice
We do not want to see you suffer anymore. The hard truth is, he has not changed, and history will repeat itself. If you let it.
Hugs!
I am with kj3880
:codiepolice :codiepolice :codiepolice
We do not want to see you suffer anymore. The hard truth is, he has not changed, and history will repeat itself. If you let it.
Hugs!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Milton, WI
Posts: 105
The addict is simply a distraction that keeps me from myself.
Myself cries out for love and attention, and I am afraid to love me.
**** most the time I am afraid to even look at me...
That is what I found for myself. I began to ask myself, Who would I have to become in order to love myself, and then I began to move in that direction.
Much love and light to you!~Cheryl
Myself cries out for love and attention, and I am afraid to love me.
**** most the time I am afraid to even look at me...
That is what I found for myself. I began to ask myself, Who would I have to become in order to love myself, and then I began to move in that direction.
Much love and light to you!~Cheryl
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