Damaged82

I'm confused, hurt, angry, sad...I feel like I just want to give up. I trust him and trust him and commend him when he's doing better...but it happens again and again anyway. It's like he waits until everything has gone back to perfect and I show no signs of being angry with him...and he just likes to surprise me with it. Almost as though he waits until our relationship has so much promise, and then stirs things up a bit...like he's "testing" me. *blah* I am definatley going to start al-anon meetings, there is no way in hell I can handle this on my own anymore. The screaming and shouting at ME when he's caught being a jerk. ME having to clean up the messes that he makes of his life. Me feeling as though I am responsible for his actions. I can't do it anymore. He is the sweetest sober man I know, but put any alcohol in him and he's the most annoying, mean, hateful, juvenile, arrogant ***** I know. I've just had it now. I can't say "one more time and he's outta' here" b/c realistically thinking, that one more time will happen and I'll just be kidding myself. I'm just going to go to al-anon meetings and live my life like he's no affecting it (easier said than done, b/c then I'm accused of not paying enough attention to him and ignoring his feelings). I was crying trying to explain why it upset me, and he was screaming at me to shut the F* up, to stop my F*ing crying and that the discussion was over, he's had enough. ((sounds just like daddy)). I can't stand it. When I mess up, he screams and yells at me until I want to be in the bathroom with a knife against my wrist...but when he messes up, it's still the same situation.

I did tell him about wanting to go to al-anon meetings. He said he's okay with that and that if I EVER want him to attend with me, he'd be more than happy. I just don't get this whole Dr. Jekyl Mr. Hyde deal. God, I guess I've got a lot of issues to crack. Please send some positive thoughts my way, I'm already emotionally exhausted. *hugz to all* ~Damaged

LettingGo

Damaged,

I can feel your pain in that post! I am sorry you are having to deal with this. Alanon is such a great program and it can give you some skills on how to live YOUR life and work on YOU. There are some great books you can read as well, one being by Mealody Beattie called "Codependent No More". Learning to live sucessfully with anyone using alchohol or drugs is a challenge, but it can be done if that is what you chose. The whole key is finding contentment, serenity and peace within. Alanon can offer you so much and I believe in that program with all of my heart. It saved me. I was at an emotional low myself when I got into Alanon. It was through that program and these boards that I am starting to find happiness within and keeping my hands off of the addict/alchoholic!

You can do this. There is happiness to be had by you! Fair warning though, I would not expect that he stay happy about the Alanon situation. At least with mine, that made him completley uncomfortable and I have heard the same with many others. Stick to your guns though.... Its worth it!

LG

Daffodil

Sounds somewhat like my life before Al-Anon......The family disease of alcolohism puts everyone (as I see it) in a NO WIN situation....It's been said If someone has to win everyone loses(when it comes to relationships)...So where did I go from there: Al-Anon...
I wanted so badly to have that SERENITY, that PEACE that I was and am willing to go to any lenghts to get...So I go to meetings, read the litature, have a sponsor,work the steps, and come here...

I wonder how much time and energy I would put into studing any other
fatal disease a loved one has.....I never thought of drinking as a family disease that was fatal until I started Al-Anon...IT was then that I learned that ONLY a H.P., a daily program, new tools, and changed attitides on my part was going to give me the kind of life I wanted and needed..Today I have HOPE that my life will only get healthier and healthier....( I think in balck and white, good or bad naturally so therefore I prefer healthier thinking today)

Love and prayers coming your way...

prettywoman

More than AlAnon you need CODA. Your codendency is doing a real number on you and you are out of control.

Find if there is a group meeting near by.
You ask him if it was ok to go to AlAnon? You are kidding right?

You need his permission?

I know I am coming of harsh and maby sarcastic right now but girl please. I certainly do not mean to be that way, I am being very realistic.

You do not need permission from him to do anything! Why are you giving your power away to this monster?

Well I think you need some serious help here so that you can get healthy enough to live a healthy live.

That is going to take being honest with yourself first and others and take charge of your own life.

I left my ex A and it is the best thing I ever did.

I am not saying to leave your A, but I am telling you from experience unless you 100% detach away from this , nothing will change.

I am sure some girls here may disagree but I speak from experience.

As long as you live in the middle of this abuse and chaos nothing will change I don't care if you go to AlAnon 24/7.

AlAnon, from when I used to attend, I learned that it teaches you to take care of yourself and to detach.

However, I must say that TO ME I observed that in many ways it is teaching you to live with abuse and to detach when that happens.

I believe that most people that chose to stay with abusers are CODA and need this program to really get healthy inside. I found that many AlAnon do not belong to CODA.

I was borderline CODA. I have been in this group for 9 month now and it has done more for me than AlAnon ever could. Some food for thought.

I think AlAnon can be a good program but I also wonder what is it really teaching us?

Please understand I have my own opinions and I am being very open and honest here. In no way am I bashing AlAnon.

I do think AlAnon can be ok to go to and it has its positives, but unless coupled with CODA I don't see the true help one gets from it other than to learn to detach when it gets crazy. CODA teaches you to get to know you and heal inside and make life changes away from the abuse!

Remember this is my opinion only on here although I spoke to a lot of people about that and many agree. Remember that we don't have to agree I speak from my own experience only!

The buttom line is that we do not deserve to be abused! If we allow it, we need help so that we can learn to live a healthy live with people that respect and love us.

You have a long painful road ahaed of self discovery and getting healthy enough to not want to be with dysfunctional A's like this.

I love my ex A very much I just chose not to be with him anymore and I won't go back. Sometimes I still want to go back to him and than I remind myself of who I am and how much I deserve a life of love and serenity and I quickly remember the chaos.

I love the way my life is turning out to be!

Much love and lots of Prayers to you (hug)

Gabe

I can relate. I spent many a long, loud night listening to my ex-A scream at me about how our problems were all MY fault. Even when I kept my mouth shut and didn't respond to him, he would just tirade away. I can tell you from experience that this kind of person is VERY damaging to your soul, no matter how healthy you are. Do everything you can to find a sane and serene way to live your life.
Peace,
Gabe

Ann

Damaged

He is emotionally abusive and you do not have to be a victim. Going to Al-Anon will help you more than you can imagine, and give you the tools to stay balanced and make your own decisions about your life.

Al-Anon, CoDA (Codependents Anonymous), and Nar-Anon are all very similar 12-step programs and any of these will help you enormously.

I strongly disagree with Prettywoman that Al-Anon is for people who tolerate abuse. WRONG!!! Each one of these programs is about looking after ourselves, and the choice to stay or leave rests with us, REGARDLESS of which program we choose. Please do not be misguided here.

Good luck and let us know how you make out.

Hugs
Ann

Gabe

with Ann here. Alanon is not, not, not for people who tolerate abuse. Far from it. Alanon, like the other twelve step programs is about learning to take care of yourself. I also agree that all of the twelve step programs are similar in nature. Each one is "substance specific" to the nature of the beast you are dealing with.
Just to reiterate, there is nothing about the Alanon program that even comes close to tolerating abuse. Alanon is a program about spiritual and emotional growth.
Enough said.
Peace,
Gabe.

JT

Sorry Damaged but I have to get a word in here...

Prettywoman...I pray that you don't have to experience what I have in my life. From "experience" let me tell you that Alanon has changed my life in many ways. One "monster" is in jail and I still live with the other one and I do not tolerate abuse from anyone. There is no black and white. Your bitterness is showing.

Sending hugs,
JT

Damaged82

I really appreciate the feedback. I whole heartedly appreciate EVERYONE'S responses. Being as there are so many people out there that don't understand what a simple opinion is, I am thankful for differant views. If we all thought the same ways, we'd all be screwed. Perhaps I am codependent. I never thought of it that way, but it has gotten me one step closer to closing the door to my self hatred. I know a lot of my "issues" stem from my childhood and realizations that I'm still upset that I never really had closure with my dad on the situation. Things just always happened. We never spoke of them.

It's not that I asked his permission to go to al-anon, I realize how stupid that would be if I let him make that decision for me. I'm trying to be fair. I don't do much. I don't have friends. I go to work and come home every day. When he is with me, there are no problems and he doesn't even speak of wanting a drink, it's when he's not occupied and I am away that the trouble happens. I know, it IS sad.

IT's easier to deal with when I'm not blaming myself. After nearly a year of trying to reach out non-chalantly to his family for help, I think they finally realize that he just has a problem. That I'm not over-exaggerating. They were brought into it over the weekend, and I had to step in and be the voice of rationalization. It's so hard to be rational when you feel so hurt and everything's turning into being your fault, but being irate only makes it worse. Anyway, sorry..gotta' go. Thank you all for the advice, again. I know I don't "know" any of you, but I appreciate it as if it were from my best friend. Thank you all. *Hugz* ~Damaged