My first Step One moment!!
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 202
My first Step One moment!!
Every day, I speak to AH's ex-wife. We have become good friends over the past year or so, even though as I work in recovery I'm beginning to think this might not be a healthy relationship for me to be so involved in.
Anyway, when we spoke this morning, I told her I had talked to my sponsor about trying to get AH in rehab and it not working. The ex-wife asked excitedly, "What did she say we should do next?" I told her, "Nothing."
This was followed by my friend getting upset and saying that we HAD to step in and do something. For the first time, I saw what I have looked like for all these years, anxious and codependent and grasping at straws. I told her calmly that, no we didn't have to do anything. AH knows all the avenues to get help if he wants it.
Then I did my reading on Step One that my sponsor had asked me to do, and everything started clicking together. It said in my book that this step is the "cornerstone" of the twelve steps, and I believe it. The light bulb totally went on for me and I felt relief at the idea that I really don't have to control everything. I truly am powerless over other people.
I look forward to continuing to work this step, as I have not mastered it by any means, but I feel grateful that I was able to recognize the phone conversation as an example and learn from it.
Thanks...I'm grateful for all of you, too.
Anyway, when we spoke this morning, I told her I had talked to my sponsor about trying to get AH in rehab and it not working. The ex-wife asked excitedly, "What did she say we should do next?" I told her, "Nothing."
This was followed by my friend getting upset and saying that we HAD to step in and do something. For the first time, I saw what I have looked like for all these years, anxious and codependent and grasping at straws. I told her calmly that, no we didn't have to do anything. AH knows all the avenues to get help if he wants it.
Then I did my reading on Step One that my sponsor had asked me to do, and everything started clicking together. It said in my book that this step is the "cornerstone" of the twelve steps, and I believe it. The light bulb totally went on for me and I felt relief at the idea that I really don't have to control everything. I truly am powerless over other people.
I look forward to continuing to work this step, as I have not mastered it by any means, but I feel grateful that I was able to recognize the phone conversation as an example and learn from it.
Thanks...I'm grateful for all of you, too.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Good luck on trying to get your husband into a treatment center!
Unless, he's willing, to go, you're wasting your energy.
Question is, are you willing to accept this though?
Does your husband and his ex have kids? I think, it's great you and his ex can be civil to each other
Unless, he's willing, to go, you're wasting your energy.
Question is, are you willing to accept this though?
Does your husband and his ex have kids? I think, it's great you and his ex can be civil to each other
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Firstly.. kudos to you for maintaining an adult relationship with the ex. And secondly another kudos to you for your step one moment 
I'm finding the powerless thing surprisingly easy. Once I got over the idea that it meant that I was helpless and lacking power to act it clicked. It just means that I am unable to produce an effect on certain things. It doesn't mean weakness or impotency: just that there are somethings that, no matter what you do or try, you will never make a difference except to yourself and that difference will be negative for the most part.
Someone likened it to trying to push over a brick wall to get where I need to be. I can push and push, wear myself out and cut and bloody my hands trying, but that brick wall isn't going to budge. It's still going to be there and meanwhile I'm hurt and exhausted. Better to admit I can't force that wall and find a better less harmful way (for me) to the other side.
I'm finding the powerless thing surprisingly easy. Once I got over the idea that it meant that I was helpless and lacking power to act it clicked. It just means that I am unable to produce an effect on certain things. It doesn't mean weakness or impotency: just that there are somethings that, no matter what you do or try, you will never make a difference except to yourself and that difference will be negative for the most part.
Someone likened it to trying to push over a brick wall to get where I need to be. I can push and push, wear myself out and cut and bloody my hands trying, but that brick wall isn't going to budge. It's still going to be there and meanwhile I'm hurt and exhausted. Better to admit I can't force that wall and find a better less harmful way (for me) to the other side.
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Step One is HUGE for me, and I am constantly amazed that I can still find things over which I am powerless. They sort of sneak up on me, you know... anymore I just laugh and say "OH gosh I'm powerless over that too!"
A good friend of mine is a speaker on the Al Anon circuit, and she uses an example of a hula hoop. Some of the women she sponsors are told to go and buy a hula hoop, and then Ellen will tell them, "If it's not inside your hula hoop, it's not your problem to deal with."
Step One is crucial to learning and understanding and working subsequent steps. It's progress when you can see it for what it is!
A good friend of mine is a speaker on the Al Anon circuit, and she uses an example of a hula hoop. Some of the women she sponsors are told to go and buy a hula hoop, and then Ellen will tell them, "If it's not inside your hula hoop, it's not your problem to deal with."
Step One is crucial to learning and understanding and working subsequent steps. It's progress when you can see it for what it is!
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 202
My sponsor gave me an exercise to do before I see her next time. Get two pieces of paper, write POWER on the top of one and list 25 things I have power over and then POWERLESS at the top of the other and list 25 things I have no power over. She says it sounds easy, but it's really hard.
I shared with her today that I had a moment 2 days ago where I thought about that "Footprints" saying and burst into tears for half an hour. Of course, I have known about that saying since I was a kid, but it never affected me so deeply before. The good thing was, they weren't my usual tears of anxiety, they were tears of relief.
I shared with her today that I had a moment 2 days ago where I thought about that "Footprints" saying and burst into tears for half an hour. Of course, I have known about that saying since I was a kid, but it never affected me so deeply before. The good thing was, they weren't my usual tears of anxiety, they were tears of relief.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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One night a man had a dream. He dreamed He was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from His life. For each scene He noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to Him and the other to the LORD.
When the last scene of His life flashed before Him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of His life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of His life.
This really bothered Him and He questioned the LORD about it. LORD you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.
The LORD replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
When the last scene of His life flashed before Him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of His life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of His life.
This really bothered Him and He questioned the LORD about it. LORD you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.
The LORD replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
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