On a seesaw, trying to quell the codie
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
On a seesaw, trying to quell the codie
Hi all,
AH is still not drinking, attending 1 aa meeting a week. We are still in separate rooms. We go through good and bad spells. Weekend was pretty good, we got along and felt ok with each other. He opened up about drinking (and not drinking) and about some of the insights he's had along the way about how he's managed his life. Pretty positive, and I simply listened and was encouraging.
Since yesterday he's been in a funk. Had a blip at work, our house (in another city) isn't selling and there are some external repairs that we didn't have a chance to do before putting on the market and they are haunting us a bit cuz our agent thinks there may be animals etc. We have no money to do the repairs until the house sells, but unsightly repairs may hold buyers back. AH got very stressed over that last night, became very dejected. Then of course he brought up how everything is just terrible - house isn't selling, our relationship is in the toilet, nothing is good or right in his life. This morning he was to the point of being shaky and anxious and on the verge of tears. Since last night the codie in me was SCREAMING to engage, to get hooked in, to fix, to console, to tell him things will work out, to tell him to snap out of it he's being selfish and self-centred, you name it! I did none of those things - I read my Melody Beattie daily meditation book, and kept my mouth shut. I look at myself and I'm surprised at how I have a hard time letting him have his feelings without wanting to interject. I still struggle with acceptance and expectations and especially during times like this, I feel such turmoil inside about how to manage my feelings. On one hand I feel like he's being a baby - grow some balls, be a man and stop whining and do something about it, and then on the other hand I have feelings like this too at times - why can't he?
So, just venting about our ups and downs and dealing with my own blips on recovery. It helps to read everyone's advice to others and to continue to focus on myself, enforce boundaries for myself and to let go and not feel responsible for him or his recovery or feelings. Living with my parents temporarily has really not helped either as I'm now front row to my adult-child mother who controls every single move my father makes (and when I told her about AH's problem, she admitted both my uncles were alcoholics so I know where my dysfunction stems from). Thanks for listening everyone.
AH is still not drinking, attending 1 aa meeting a week. We are still in separate rooms. We go through good and bad spells. Weekend was pretty good, we got along and felt ok with each other. He opened up about drinking (and not drinking) and about some of the insights he's had along the way about how he's managed his life. Pretty positive, and I simply listened and was encouraging.
Since yesterday he's been in a funk. Had a blip at work, our house (in another city) isn't selling and there are some external repairs that we didn't have a chance to do before putting on the market and they are haunting us a bit cuz our agent thinks there may be animals etc. We have no money to do the repairs until the house sells, but unsightly repairs may hold buyers back. AH got very stressed over that last night, became very dejected. Then of course he brought up how everything is just terrible - house isn't selling, our relationship is in the toilet, nothing is good or right in his life. This morning he was to the point of being shaky and anxious and on the verge of tears. Since last night the codie in me was SCREAMING to engage, to get hooked in, to fix, to console, to tell him things will work out, to tell him to snap out of it he's being selfish and self-centred, you name it! I did none of those things - I read my Melody Beattie daily meditation book, and kept my mouth shut. I look at myself and I'm surprised at how I have a hard time letting him have his feelings without wanting to interject. I still struggle with acceptance and expectations and especially during times like this, I feel such turmoil inside about how to manage my feelings. On one hand I feel like he's being a baby - grow some balls, be a man and stop whining and do something about it, and then on the other hand I have feelings like this too at times - why can't he?
So, just venting about our ups and downs and dealing with my own blips on recovery. It helps to read everyone's advice to others and to continue to focus on myself, enforce boundaries for myself and to let go and not feel responsible for him or his recovery or feelings. Living with my parents temporarily has really not helped either as I'm now front row to my adult-child mother who controls every single move my father makes (and when I told her about AH's problem, she admitted both my uncles were alcoholics so I know where my dysfunction stems from). Thanks for listening everyone.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I think you've done a great job at quelling the codie beast. One step at a time is all you can do. The fact that you changed your usual pattern of interjecting in his emotional topple is a sign of growth. Be proud of yourself!
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Good job, silkspin. We'll never be completely free of the ups and downs -- it's just how we REACT to them that marks whether we're healthy or not.
Hang in there. If you can smooth the waters again, you may find there's an inexpensive way to make those repairs, or a barter situation, or temporarily sacrificing something you current enjoy to be able to afford them......lots of things can happen if we're not looking for the One And Only Right Answer. And being creative together about a tough situation is a great way to rebuild trust.
Back, codie beast, back to its cage !!!
Hang in there. If you can smooth the waters again, you may find there's an inexpensive way to make those repairs, or a barter situation, or temporarily sacrificing something you current enjoy to be able to afford them......lots of things can happen if we're not looking for the One And Only Right Answer. And being creative together about a tough situation is a great way to rebuild trust.
Back, codie beast, back to its cage !!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
Strangely enough, last night when I just decided to let it go, I opened up 'language of letting go' and the second passage I read was about almost an exactly identical situation - couple selling their home, bought another, couldn't understand why God put them into such a predicament of being caught with 2 houses. Until the person who lived in a house of their dreams offered it to them for sale, upon which they were able to sell their other 2 properties. A lesson in patience, and likely my HP showing me that they are there and will give me the answers when I'm ready.
It's just tiring dealing with not only regular life ups and downs but with the codie stuff too. I'm just glad that I can acknowledge it now and look back at the old me and think how ignorant I was about how controlling and caretaking I truly was. I rationalized everything to suit my way and try and make AH do the same. It took a lot of energy but it was something I was familiar with. If I can take that same energy and put it into healthy actions I'd be making such strides - the difference is that it is unfamiliar territory so seems that much harder! And, I just talked to him at work and he sounded better - see? It happened without me!
It's just tiring dealing with not only regular life ups and downs but with the codie stuff too. I'm just glad that I can acknowledge it now and look back at the old me and think how ignorant I was about how controlling and caretaking I truly was. I rationalized everything to suit my way and try and make AH do the same. It took a lot of energy but it was something I was familiar with. If I can take that same energy and put it into healthy actions I'd be making such strides - the difference is that it is unfamiliar territory so seems that much harder! And, I just talked to him at work and he sounded better - see? It happened without me!
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