Today is D-Day!!
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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Today is D-Day!!
AH and I have an appointment at 11am with the rehab center. I am trying to breathe between now and then (lol). I'm totally worried about something going wrong, like it's unaffordable or that AH will balk at the last second. Been trying to say the Serenity Prayer like my sponsor said, and it does help.
I have been giving this tons of thought since Saturday, and I feel prepared to carry this out, if needed. If AH can't enter this rehab financially, I want to tell him that he either needs to go to the free rehab run by the government (aka--hellhole, although I'm sure it saves lives) or needs to do 90 in 90 (no less) for me to stay with him.
Because of me being in recovery, I feel that I can no longer live with an active A. I can't grow and change in a negative atmosphere where everything stays the same. I have no money and no place to go, but I feel strongly about this. I may not leave him today or tomorrow, but I will start making my plans immediately if he refuses.
Of course, he has free will and can choose whatever he wants, I realize that. I don't want to control the situation or force him to do anything. It's just that I have come to the realization of what I can live with.
I would appreciate any guidance or prayers before the clock strikes. Thanks.
I have been giving this tons of thought since Saturday, and I feel prepared to carry this out, if needed. If AH can't enter this rehab financially, I want to tell him that he either needs to go to the free rehab run by the government (aka--hellhole, although I'm sure it saves lives) or needs to do 90 in 90 (no less) for me to stay with him.
Because of me being in recovery, I feel that I can no longer live with an active A. I can't grow and change in a negative atmosphere where everything stays the same. I have no money and no place to go, but I feel strongly about this. I may not leave him today or tomorrow, but I will start making my plans immediately if he refuses.
Of course, he has free will and can choose whatever he wants, I realize that. I don't want to control the situation or force him to do anything. It's just that I have come to the realization of what I can live with.
I would appreciate any guidance or prayers before the clock strikes. Thanks.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 202
This is what I want to say...
It is not healthy for our daughter and me to live in a household with an active addict. We need someone to take care of us, and something has to change today.
That's all I've got so far.
:praying
It is not healthy for our daughter and me to live in a household with an active addict. We need someone to take care of us, and something has to change today.
That's all I've got so far.
:praying
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
I think.. fwiw.. keep the focus on you (and your daughter). Keep the boundaries couched in terms of 'I' rather than 'You'. Keep the focus of your words on what you want and can change rather than any ultimatums or trade offs.
A share...
I'm aware that I still want the people I love to change and mature so I can be more comfortable. I am also aware that this may or may not happen. Today it is okay for me to want this to happen. However, I am slowly learning that trying to change someone else's behaviour to suit my needs is an exercise in futility and frustration. Truly profound power and peace lie in the ability to change my behaviour to suit my needs.
We need to recover. And when we do , we sometimes find that others are motivated to get better too.
*hugs*
A share...
I'm aware that I still want the people I love to change and mature so I can be more comfortable. I am also aware that this may or may not happen. Today it is okay for me to want this to happen. However, I am slowly learning that trying to change someone else's behaviour to suit my needs is an exercise in futility and frustration. Truly profound power and peace lie in the ability to change my behaviour to suit my needs.
We need to recover. And when we do , we sometimes find that others are motivated to get better too.
*hugs*
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Originally Posted by Glenna9802 
OMG, tallulah, that was exactly what I needed to hear at exactly the right time. THANK YOU!!!!!
Good luck :ghug
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Originally Posted by Glenna9802
This is what I want to say...
It is not healthy for our daughter and me to live in a household with an active addict. We need someone to take care of us, and something has to change today.
That's all I've got so far.
It is not healthy for our daughter and me to live in a household with an active addict. We need someone to take care of us, and something has to change today.
That's all I've got so far.
Deep breath. Let us know how it goes.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Originally Posted by Glenna9802
This is what I want to say...
We need someone to take care of us, and something has to change today.
That's all I've got so far.
:praying
We need someone to take care of us, and something has to change today.
That's all I've got so far.
:praying
Never tell yourself that you "need" someone to take care of you, because then you will settle and put up with far less than you deserve. A woman needs a man like...a fish needs a bicycle, as Gloria Steinem says. The best time to start a relationship is when you don't need one, because then you can look for what you really want and take your time...or just be happy and have fun times with your child.
If you want to be out of this relationship, I guarantee you will find a way to make it on your own. It won't be easy, but with God's help, it won't be as hard as you think. If I can do it, anyone can, truly!!!
Love,
KJ
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 202
It was just horrible...
We didn't even get past the lobby. The financial guy came out and said it would be at least $7000 up front and they wouldn't take AH's insurance. We don't have two nickels to rub together. AH got angry and stormed out, leaving me standing there crying with the baby.
I dropped them off and came back to the center and spoke with the guy I met on Saturday, and together we called rehabs in the area to see if any of them would take the insurance, but no luck.
When I got home, I told AH that whether he decides to help him is up to him, but that I didn't want myself or the baby living in an addiction-filled household and that we need it to stop. At first he balked, calling me erratic and unsupportive and questioning when the last time was that he had an "episode." I told him I wasn't going to argue, but I also wasn't going to support his alcoholism.
His idea now is to attend 2-3 AA meetings on Thursday (his day off) and try to stop cold turkey on that day. With a blood pressure of roughly 150/100 already, I really don't know if that's possible. I said, "If it was me, I would go to AA and throw myself on their mercy the way I did with Al-Anon, but I am not you."
I'm trying to have faith in HP and hold strong to what I've learned, but it is just very hard right now and I'm struggling.
We didn't even get past the lobby. The financial guy came out and said it would be at least $7000 up front and they wouldn't take AH's insurance. We don't have two nickels to rub together. AH got angry and stormed out, leaving me standing there crying with the baby.
I dropped them off and came back to the center and spoke with the guy I met on Saturday, and together we called rehabs in the area to see if any of them would take the insurance, but no luck.
When I got home, I told AH that whether he decides to help him is up to him, but that I didn't want myself or the baby living in an addiction-filled household and that we need it to stop. At first he balked, calling me erratic and unsupportive and questioning when the last time was that he had an "episode." I told him I wasn't going to argue, but I also wasn't going to support his alcoholism.
His idea now is to attend 2-3 AA meetings on Thursday (his day off) and try to stop cold turkey on that day. With a blood pressure of roughly 150/100 already, I really don't know if that's possible. I said, "If it was me, I would go to AA and throw myself on their mercy the way I did with Al-Anon, but I am not you."
I'm trying to have faith in HP and hold strong to what I've learned, but it is just very hard right now and I'm struggling.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I know it's hard to see right now, but YOUR happiness is not contingent on HIS recovery. He will either find recovery or not, regardless of rehab, insurance, AA, blood pressure, or the color of his eyes. 
The important thing is to focus on YOUR life and YOUR recovery. Let him worry about his. Put yourself first and quit trying to make YOUR goal HIS recovery. Make it YOUR recovery.
The most empowering moment of my life was when I realized that I would be okay, even if he wasn't.
L
The important thing is to focus on YOUR life and YOUR recovery. Let him worry about his. Put yourself first and quit trying to make YOUR goal HIS recovery. Make it YOUR recovery.
The most empowering moment of my life was when I realized that I would be okay, even if he wasn't.
L
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I am glad you are getting off the rollercoaster!! 
Finding a place for him is his job. INMHO you have done all in your power. As an AH told me: "you did all you could. you held his hand". That's about it...
I do not like how he says you are unsupportive! but he is entitled to his views. Clouded views.
"I told him I wasn't going to argue, but I also wasn't going to support his alcoholism."
For your daughter's and your own sake it is better to stay away from this man... continue working in you !! Hugs!!
:codiepolice
Finding a place for him is his job. INMHO you have done all in your power. As an AH told me: "you did all you could. you held his hand". That's about it...
I do not like how he says you are unsupportive! but he is entitled to his views. Clouded views.
"I told him I wasn't going to argue, but I also wasn't going to support his alcoholism."
For your daughter's and your own sake it is better to stay away from this man... continue working in you !! Hugs!!
:codiepolice
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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Okay, I have decided that you all are royalty, and my sponsor is the queen (LOL).
I just got off the phone with her and told her the story of what happened and how I felt about it. She said, "Can you just do one thing for me?" I said sure, and she said, "Stop trying to save your husband." Now, she just became my sponsor a few days ago, and we have only hung out together twice, but she sees me as clearly as all of you.
I try to control everything. I told her that because I had an alcoholic mother and NO control whatsoever, now I think I try to control everything around me, especially if I can save it or fix it.
Anyway, I said it's easier in thought than action, but I would try. She said, "Hey, look down around you and try to pick up something." So I grabbed the nearest pencil and told her I had picked it up. She said, "See, you didn't have to try, you just did."
Sigh...okay, I get it
I just got off the phone with her and told her the story of what happened and how I felt about it. She said, "Can you just do one thing for me?" I said sure, and she said, "Stop trying to save your husband." Now, she just became my sponsor a few days ago, and we have only hung out together twice, but she sees me as clearly as all of you.
I try to control everything. I told her that because I had an alcoholic mother and NO control whatsoever, now I think I try to control everything around me, especially if I can save it or fix it.
Anyway, I said it's easier in thought than action, but I would try. She said, "Hey, look down around you and try to pick up something." So I grabbed the nearest pencil and told her I had picked it up. She said, "See, you didn't have to try, you just did."
Sigh...okay, I get it
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Glenna9802
I try to control everything. I told her that because I had an alcoholic mother and NO control whatsoever, now I think I try to control everything around me, especially if I can save it or fix it.
Anyway, I said it's easier in thought than action, but I would try. She said, "Hey, look down around you and try to pick up something." So I grabbed the nearest pencil and told her I had picked it up. She said, "See, you didn't have to try, you just did."
Anyway, I said it's easier in thought than action, but I would try. She said, "Hey, look down around you and try to pick up something." So I grabbed the nearest pencil and told her I had picked it up. She said, "See, you didn't have to try, you just did."
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Thanks, Freedom. She truly is amazing. I've never known of anyone who has overcome so many obstacles and not only got through it, but flourished and succeeded and even unselfishly went on to help other people. It's amazing what the human spirit can achieve. She is an inspiration, very wise and thoughtful. She doesn't talk a lot, but when she does I make sure I listen well because it's usually meaningful. The more I get to know her, the more I like her, and I am SOOOOO grateful that I met her.
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Thanks to all.
I needed the rest, GiveLove, and don't usually get it, but last night I did. I have to remember not to exhaust myself with everything I'm doing and learning. My mind will race if I let it.
This morning, I have "homework" from my sponsor before we meet this afternoon. That is my thing I'm doing for ME today.
I needed the rest, GiveLove, and don't usually get it, but last night I did. I have to remember not to exhaust myself with everything I'm doing and learning. My mind will race if I let it.
This morning, I have "homework" from my sponsor before we meet this afternoon. That is my thing I'm doing for ME today.
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