tallulah

My A and I ended our relationship 3 weeks ago (which coincided with me joining the fellowship of Al-Anon but as you probably all know we've had problems for longer than that). We are currently still residing in the same home. He is just over 2 years sober and regularly attending AA and has a sponsor.

I'm finding that on the rare occasions we talk beyond the usual pleasantries, he plays a kind of recovery 'top trumps' with me. He has been in and out of recovery before and for some 12/13 years approximately. It is as if he has a superior attitude, like he has been in a fellowship longer than me so is automatically more knowledgeable etc.

On one occasion I said to him that he needs to stop taking my inventory (which he is apt to do... only last night he questioned why I was taking a suitcase out of the house with me and where was I going) and concentrate on taking his own. He 'poo-poo'd' this with yet another side swipe and another 'I've been doing this longer than you so I know what I'm talking about'.

Has anyone else found this? Whilst I don't show that this bothers me to my A, if I'm honest it makes me want to scream 'if you were so good at this why can't you see what you are doing' and 'why bother asking me what is going on with me when you just see it as an opportunity to talk about YOU and how bliddy insightful you are'.

Glenna9802

Hey there...I've been going to Al-Anon for the same amount of time as you. It has really changed my outlook. One thing that has happened is that I notice having less time for negative people or realizing that they were negative when I hadn't seen it before.

I rarely talk with my AH about my program/recovery. He acts like it's a cult and the people there are brainwashing me. If your A was truly experiencing recovery, he would probably know that everyone's is different and personal and wouldn't make comments like that. Maybe just let it roll off your back as a bunch of quacking.

Good luck.

MissFixit

If it ticks you off, then maybe don't engage him. If he insists on the conversation, walk away from it.

tallulah

Hi Glenna... thanks for your reply.

Me too. It's a revelation. I'm grateful to have found Al-Anon.

I only spoken with him (on a superficial(ish) level no details) because he may have sparked up a conversation, asked how it was. I actually feel like this is mine and so no need to explain it to him. I don't bother now. I avoid talking about what is going on with me. Especially as it presents an opportunity for him to try cleaning my side if the street.

I wondered whether this was 'quacking' of sorts or if he was just being an arse... or both lol. I think you are right. If he was working AA he probably should know better than to try and make me feel like a pathetic newbie. I know I have never been anything but encouraging with him.

The serenity prayer comes in here. I can't change him nor his attitude.. accept it and put the focus on me.

tallulah

Hi MissFixit..

I do.. outwardly... Inwardly.. well that's another matter. Inwardly I want to tell him to <bleep> off... lol

I suppose I'm giving him headspace. Fatal. Which is probably why I've blurted it out here.

I know the answer. Yes it is normal. It's not right, but it's ok. Put the focus back on me and leave him to his own stuff.

MissFixit

Not that it is mature, but the added benefit of NOT engaging him is that it will annoy him that you won't listen to his childish banter.

tallulah

Someone at my Al-Anon meeting last night... who had sat next to me on my first meeting and watched the crying bewildered person share incoherent ramblings and who I had not even noticed because I could not look at anyone in the room through the tears and fug... said to me that I looked better. That I looked like progress.

Half the problem I think is that this is not going his way and he is probably annoyed about that. He may have quit drinking but the selfishness and arrogance of the A is ever present. Not that I am sure what way he is trying lol. But this is certainly out of his control and he is no longer the focus.

progress, not perfection.. just going to keep it simple and walk away..

justanothrdrunk

I think I used to be guilty of the same thing not too long ago. It even got to the point where I was telling my wife what her al-anon group was doing wrong.

If I think about it, I might have had the idea that al-anon was the same as AA. Therefore, if al-anon groups/members weren't doing things the same way as my AA groups and fellow members, it was wrong.

I had to understand that al-anon is not the same as AA. Also, me and my wife simply don't talk about each other's recovery. She's not a part of mine and I'm not a part of hers.

tallulah

Thanks for your reply justanothrdrunk. It's interesting to hear this from another point of view.

I wondered whether that was it. Whether, because he hadn't experienced Al-Anon, he was judging it based on his AA experience. I suppose that's why I posted.

If I am honest (and in some ways this pains me to say it as I've looked for an excuse for him... again) but, if I am honest with myself and step out of the conversations and really look at it without blinkers and excuses for him.. I think it comes from his ego and lack of recognition.

I hate saying that. It sounds like I am taking his inventory. I am trying not to. But, as painful as it is, I am admitting to myself that he isn't actually that bothered about me. This person who I thought loved me, valued me, wanted the best for me regardless of whether we were together or not... doesn't actually respect me. Other A's who have heard I am attending Al-Anon have merely said 'Good for you' and 'I hope you find serenity'. My A is either completely disinterested (and when I say that it is no criticism) or interested in it as a point scoring exercise.

Sad.. disappointing... but I'll let it go.

Linkmeister

When I went to my first Al-Anon meeting back in January - after ABF's relapse, I got the same attitude from him-I didn't need it, what do I need to recover from, I'd leave him, I'd become a "raging 12-stepper, etc, etc, etc. He also had that same know it all attitude about recovery and I told him that we each have our own recovery to deal with.

Once he got into (and now finished) rehab there's been quite a shift in attitude as there's less concentration and questioning me about Al-Anon as he goes to his AA meetings.

While both of us are going down this road of recovery together, we share what we want, only if we want - that's a boundary both of us decided on. Like justanothrdrunk says, AA and Al-Anon are not the same and for both to understand that is a good step toward letting each other embrace recovery, not put a roadblock against it.

GiveLove

Hi tallulah,

He's playing the only card he has - the "I know more than you do" card.

Maybe that's a conversation you just shouldn't have with him any more.

Then you never have his words cluttering your headspace in the first place.

Hang in there

tallulah

Hi Linkmeister... thanks for your reply..

My A has been in AA for two years now. And this is not his first time in the programme. I'm just starting out in Al-Anon. He doesn't have the excuse of not being in a programme so doing the 'brainwash/what do you need to recover from/raging 12-stepper' argument. While he might not understand how Al-Anon works he does know about being in recovery in a general sense.

justanothrdrunk's post made me think... and yours has made me think some more... (Oh dear... lol)..

When he got back into AA and got himself a sponsor after his relapse I would be supportive. I never made him go or guilt tripped him into meetings but if he ever felt wobbly I would simply say that while I couldn't force him to a meeting, getting there was probably the hardest part and he may feel better once he was there. If he missed a meeting I didn't give him any grief for not going. His recovery was entirely his. The most involvement I had was to be a quiet presence who listened whenever he wanted to talk about it and the only involvement coming from me was a 'How was your meeting, good?' which was 99% of the time met with 'Good thanks'. That was it. I never belittled it or attempted to deconstruct it. More importantly I knew it was something I knew nothing about.... and if I had known what it was all about, I know and knew that his experience could be different from mine.

I came on here expecting.. no wanting.. to hear that what he is doing with me is 'normal' A/recovering A. Me making excuses for him again.

I suppose I don't like to think... wet or dry.. he can be a a'hole. And the more I think about it the more I have to conclude.. that is exactly what he's being.

tallulah

Hi GiveLove..

You're right. He is playing his cards. In fact the more I post and read the more I'm realising it.

Last night I decided to take some clothes and leave them at a friends house. Just in case I felt that sharing physical space with him was too much and I needed a break. I'm not planning to stay there but it is good to know that if I choose to I don't have to worry about what I'm going to wear the next day or if I have a toothbrush... lol.

I took them out with me last night as I was going out to my Al-Anon meeting and dropped them off on my way. Now normally I go out and call 'goodbye' from the door. He makes no effort to see me off or move from the couch. But he must have heard me zipping up the suitcase or something because I looked around as I opened the front door and there was his head peeking around the door and he immediately asked where I was going, where I was going with a suitcase etc. My response was I am going to a meeting and I'm not going to discuss what I am doing with my suitcase. (If I'm honest I was quite indignant).

The more I think about this and the bigger picture, the more I think he is not dealing with me moving on and so quickly very well and maybe attendance at Al-Anon is part of that.

That is his side of the street.

Kallista

*snort*

All that time and still not any better.

This is a very common tactic for an AA member who doesn't like being questioned. AAs do it all the time. (I've gone to AA for 16 years and I've seen it a lot.)

Time doesn't mean anything. We all have today and that is it. The only important thing is the quality of the recovery.

Don't worry about it. You busted him for doing something he shouldn't have been doing and he had to defend himself with whatever was handy.

Linkmeister

The first step of Al-Anon and AA both have to do with being powerless...along with being powerless over alcohol, he is powerless over your decision to go to Al-Anon and to move on.

You're doing what is best for you and that's what you have to concentrate on and from the sound of it, you're doing really well.

Hugs coming your way!! :ghug3

tallulah

LOL... thanks for your reply Kallista.. that snort genuinely made me giggle..

You're spot on... He doesn't like a mirror being held to him.

Whilst it is tempting to retort with 'yeah, well at least I'm working on my recovery and not just turning up for the tea and biscuits', I think I will keep the quality of recovery thing to myself lol. I've said it here back when I first joined (it was a gut feeling) but I think that while he is 'doing' AA I'm not sure whether he is doing AA. But that's his to deal with. He's riding his rollercoaster alone now.

tallulah

Aww thank you. :ghug3

I have relinquished my power over anything I cannot change. Not easy. And it is something I have to do a stop and count to 10 on as I had this notion that powerless = helpless and so the old ego was not (and sometimes is not) too keen on letting that go. But OMG how freeing it is. I don't know if he has done that but if he hasn't boy is he missing out. LOL.

GiveLove

Well, if I could play devil's advocate for a moment here: Regardless of whether my relationship was crumbling around me or not, I would consider it something new and strange if my X packed up a SUITCASE to leave for the evening, and would probably be quite curious about it too.

I agree with everything you've said, no doubt about it. But perhaps on this point you're over-analyzing? He is faced with evidence that the wolves are officially at the door, and he's worried. Isn't that normal? Suitcases are pretty big triggers LOL

No reason not to continue to move forward. But if indifference is what you're expecting, you may be surprised.

Just one more thing you won't have to worry about when you've separated yourself from him....it will be a relief to not have to second-guess someone's intentions.

tallulah

I hear ya. I suppose it was (and is) strange to me that he even asked. This is the guy who said this relationship is over, it's not good for you or me, I think you should move on and move out. And the guy who has kind of point blank told me he doesn't want to discuss anything about our break up and I should just get on with it.

I think I'm so wary of getting dragged on his rollercoaster again (and probably not very trusting of my red flag/signal instinct right now) that I am trying to 'see' what is happening before I react.

I look forward to the time I get to the end of a day and think 'wow no drama and no wobbly ground today'

tallulah

yep.. tea AND biscuits.. lol

no scones, jam and devon clotted cream.. but if you hit one of the meetings in Chelsea (very upmarket area of London).. you get really fabulous chocolate biscuits and a selection of teas!