sillysquirrel

My AH has not drank for 4 weeks. We do not get along. Even though he has not been drinking, he is so unbearable and crabby that I can't hardly stand it. It is soooo much work just to be in his presence. I try so hard not to engage in arguments with him, but am not always so successful.

Last night, he said "I haven't drank in a month, and you're still not happy!"
As if all of our problems would just melt away in a matter of weeks....If only it were that simple.

He is obviously trying to prove something to me (or himself). I think he is trying to show me that alcohol is not the problem. I know we have many deep, deep problems. I also know that alcohol is not the cause of it all. But, I do know that when he drinks, it takes over my life. If I knew he would never drink again, maybe I could take a step and try to work on us. The drinking is a dealbreaker for me, so I am constantly bracing myself for the next binge. I am just so sad that he is so angry all of the time when he is not drinking. I don't know what is worse, him being gone on a drinking binge, or sober and at home and mad at the world.

He says I am cold-hearted. How can I treat my husband that way??? Hello??? Does he not notice how he treats me?

Sorry for venting. I am just frustrated that he has not drank for this long and I am still feeling as angry at him as if he just drank yesterday. Anyone else experience this before??

timetogo

I know when my AH would have dry spells, often for weeks on end, he would say the same type of thing..........I'm really trying and nothing has changed. You're still upset, angry, unhappy and especially not "intimate" (and we all know what intimate means!). And he was right, nothing changes if nothing changes (I love and live by that phrase!). Neither of us was working on ourselves (although me more than him). He wasn't going to counselling, a program or any type of treatment for his disease (he can do it on his own, he knows what he has to do -- dontcha know?). And neither was I. So even though the drinking wasn't going on, none of the issues where getting dealt with either. So I waited until the innevitable "next time". It's awful to live with that every day.

I heard a lot about him and what he is going to do in your post. I know that you have a busy busy life (especially at this time of the year) and kiddies to tend to. Plus the energy that it takes to walk on eggshells or anticipate the "next time" is exhausting. Have you done anything for you? I have committed to doing something "just for me" every day. It doesn't have to be 3 hours. It can be 15 minutes (meditate, read) something to get your mind off of him and back to you. It's sooooo hard, I know, but I find it essential to me not "worrying myself to death".

My AH moved out of the house last weekend. I am finding that there are periods of time during the day that I actually don't think about him AT ALL. And they are getting longer. And it feels good.

Take care of yourself and the rest will fall into place, however that ends up looking.
take care
Laurie

cassandra2

Alcohol is ONLY a symptom of the disease.

sillysquirrel

I am working on myself. A little at a time. This site has been tremendously helpful to me. I am able to recognize alot of the things he says to me now as bulls**t and not take things so personal. I have also been trying to focus on me and the kids and not let him ruin our days. Usually, but not always. He is still able to get to me and seems very happy with himself when he does get a rise out of me. Why does he want to annoy me so badly? And why is he so pleased when he finally does?

It is tough, and I don't know what the answer is. I do not feel that he sees me as an equal, but rather his personal maid, cook, nanny, *****, etc. (I haven't been doing the ***** thing lately, just don't have the time or interest).

He is very self-centered and I wish I could make him recognize that. Respecting me and my feelings, time, job, etc. would mean so much to me. He is not interested in watching our two little ones while I work. Anything more than one day a week and I am asking too much. I pointed out to him that I care for all 4 kiddos all summer 5-6 days a week while he works and I don't complain about it or whine that he should bring them to daycare because it's not fair. Gosh, that sounds ridiculous when I say that, but that is what he says. He responded that I have it easier because it is summer and the kids can play outside. WHAT??? This is what I deal with all of the time. Rather than give me credit for what I do, he says things like that. It is very hard to ignore those comments, but I am finding that I am more content with myself if I just ignore it rather than respond with yelling or nasty comments. What a life...

blessed4x

Mine too. I've really been working on me. I'm finding out all kinds of icky stuff about AH. I decided that if I'm going to be here, and he's not drinking (3 weeks now), that I would just behave "as if" I were in love and happy.....maybe just an experiment, but you know there is a theory out there that you can fake it til you make it.

So yesterday morning I decided to initiate some intimacy. Afterward we had a great talk. I was very vulnerable with him and told him I was afraid he would become angry if things didn't live up to his expectations the next time around, and he said that would never happen because he was so happy to have me back. As the day went on things were great, several pecks on the cheek, nice conversation. Then last night he jumps in bed and I tell him I just need him to hold me.....nothing more, just be close and hold me. He immediately flies into a rage and begins cussing that it was all a ploy, I had the whole thing planned out, and how sick of it he is, blah, blah, blah.

Seriously, I don't deserve to be verbally abused for asking to be held. I guess my little "experiment" failed. I have absolutely no desire to fake it or to make it.


So in response to your question, sillysquirrel, I have experienced it, I am experiencing it, and I guess when I get tired enough of it I'll finally end it. I do feel like Alanon and counseling are helping me get things straight. I am such a methodical learner.....

sillysquirrel

Maybe I am wrong and I think alot of women will even think so, but I don't think that I am [B]required[B to be intimate with my husband just because I am his wife. I think intimacy is something special between 2 people and if I am being treated not just a little bit badly, but VERY badly, I don't have to go there. Now, I am well aware that he may look for it someplace else. That is his choice and I am prepared for that. I would be upset if he did, but also am aware that men have needs.

Am I punishing him? I don't know.

Will I ever give in? Probably.

Will it be today? Not a chance.

I just have a hard time being treated by him so terribly and then having sex with him. Am I the only one out there not being intimate?

timetogo

Even my friends who are not married to A's say they have a hard time with the sex department -- because they feel they don't have "intimacy". Intimacy (to the surprise of most men I know) is NOT SEX. It is the mutual feeling of respect, caring, being partners, being responsible, being responsible parents, supporting one another and, YES, taking out the garbage lol!

It is pretty hard to feel these things with someone who treats us as if we were not partners but rather his personal maid, cook, nanny, *****, etc.

My AH could never understand why, after he disappeared for five days....spent thousands of dollars.......got dui's.......was "sick" on the couch more and more often.......spent our daughters education on cocaine...........did Lord knows what.........etc etc, I wouldn't want to be "intimate" with him. I think that the intamacy breakdown was his choice and his doing. IMHO. In fact, it is the SOLE reason he has sited for the end of our marriage. Whatever!

LaTeeDa

The question is not why doesn't he understand why you don't feel like being intimate. The bigger question is why you want to spend your life with someone you can't feel intimacy with?

Start with the assumption that he is who he is and nothing you can say or do will ever change him. Then what? (BTW, it's not just an assumption, it's the honest truth.)

It doesn't matter whether you leave or stay, you will never be happy until you accept him exactly as he is.

L

Freedom1990

Indeed it is. I had character defects galore long before I ever picked up the first drink. They were still there when I got sober too.

The real work started after I put the bottle down.

Daisy30

LTD is so right!

As far as sex....I have always related it to my emotions. I am not one who can seperate the 2. So if I don't feel my emotional needs are being met. Then I have no desire to be intimate physically. Needless to say AH and I have not been physical for some time.

prodigal

I want to quote you word-for-word what you posted on February 24:

" 'What are you yelling for? What are you so upset about?' It's like it is his goal to get me upset. But why?"

You are asking the same question again, but it is worded differently. I gave you my speculative response to the 2/24 post.

It appears that you are stuck on wanting to know his motivation for badgering you. Since it appears that he can get you annoyed, yelling, miserable, hurt, upset, etc., perhaps that is why he continues.

Maybe rather than focusing on why he does what he does, you should start looking at what you can do, and the steps you can begin to take, in order to feel less miserable.

escape artist

i have been thinking really hard about this kind of stuff lately and the question has come up for me (which i suspect may be the veil of denial i have had about it..) that if we teach people how to treat us, where did we come up with the idea of how we are to be treated in the first place? my thinking is of course most likely patterned after my mother....and she was the cook, the maid, the caretaker, the one who handled everything, including my father's alcoholic BS, plus that was the setup in those days right?....so have i decided to cast off these roles and chosen to show people how i want to be treated any differently? probably why i ended up in the kind of relationships i did (with addicts)-cause they best fit the mold of how i saw my "role" as played by my poor mother. boy do i need a lot of work!

Bernadette

I agree w/ LTD-- so maybe your AH is right: He hasn't drank in 4 weeks and you're still not happy.

That sounds like the truth.

If I have a list of things I feel my partner needs to do to satisfy me (whether my list passes some objective societal norm or not) and my partner is unable and unwilling to do those things then I have to make a decision. But first I have to accept things as they really are.

Once I accept REALITY 100% - then I would feel the need to decide if I can healthily live with it or if I need to move on.

There's no blame...there's no need to point out his self-centeredness to him - honestly, it won't change a darn thing! Look at all the OBVIOUS things right in front of his nose that he doesn't do in ways that please you, why would a conversation about the faults you perceive in him make any difference?

I agree with you 100% about intimacy - I also cannot have sex with someone out of duty! No way. But I guess in a serious loving relationship I also would NOT expect him to go find it elsewhere- I'd expect him to be working with me on whatever issues are causing the problem...and if he was unable or unwilling - well then it's back to ACCEPTANCE and deciding what I want to do.

Also timetogo's advice to take a few minutes every day for you-- it sounds so useless- until you actually do it - mindfully. Carving out a space for your own peace of mind takes effort!

good luck--peace-
b

ItsmeAlice

The response that gets me into drama is asking "You haven't had a drink in four weeks, and you're still an a**, what's up with that?"

I have begun to think that a question like your AH's may be because the boundary drawn is about the alcohol and not about the man.

My ABF likes to bring up his "right to drink." I have always agreed in protest that he does have a right to drink alcohol. It's not illegal. He is an adult. What can I say about it?

Well, I have learned now that yes, he does have the right to drink, what he doesn't have the right to do is treat me in a hateful, threatening, or harrassing way. That is the basis for my boundary. If I feel he is treating me in these ways, then I stay away from him. I don't return until it ceases.

He has to determine how he is going to treat me.

If the treatment that I will not tolerate is brought on by alcohol, then the alcohol has to go. If the treatment has become a part of the man over time, then the man must change. If he decided he doesn't want to let go of the alcohol or change himself to stop the behavior. I will have to make the best decision in my interest.

sillysquirrel

The bottom line is, alcohol or not, he is a jerk. Whatever the reason is for this, I don't know. He is just so different from the man I married. Last night, sober as a judge, hasn't drank for a month, he looks me in the eyes and says I am not very good with the kids. They are lucky to have him for a Dad because I am so nonexistent. His basis for this is that I was gone for 5 hours doing payroll for a large client. I do this twice a month. That is it! He then said how he can't stand me and told me how much he would love to choke me.

I know, I know....

Why do I stay with him??? I wish I had the strength of some of you. Right now, I don't seem to have it in me to make a change. Maybe next week I will feel stronger. Maybe next month. Maybe this summer.....

Freedom1990

That sent chills up my spine.

I think he is a pressure cooker just waiting to blow.

I sincerely pray you get out of this deplorable situation before it's too late.

I've been on the receiving end of an EXAH whose self-hatred, loathing, and rage erupted, and was lucky to make it out alive.

Barbara52

Find the strength now before this escalates into physical violence! Please protect yourself and your children!

LaTeeDa

There you have it. Accept that. Accept that nothing you say or do will change it. Release all the ideas you have about how HE might change in this situation. Now, you are left with only YOUR choices. What are they? How can you protect yourself and your children?

L

sillysquirrel

Just to reassure you all, there have been no incidents of violence. Other than AH breaking the front door down in the middle of the night a few years ago. He does like to try and intimidate me. He hates how independent I am and that I don't "need" him. When he feels that I am slipping away from him, he gets very angry and makes comments like this. If nothing else, physically he is stronger than me and he seems to want to point that out. I know that doesn't mean it will never happen. But I am just saying that so far, it has not.

Freedom1990

Sorry, but that doesn't assure me at all.

I'm just wondering what will happen to your children if he makes good on his threat, kills you, and he goes to prison?

It could very well happen.