Why does this bug me soooo much!
"Taking the risk to blossom"
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
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Why does this bug me soooo much!
I just got home from a visit with my MIL. Her and I are really good friends and I hope that we can maintain that friendship now that my AH has moved out of the house.
She asked me if I knew about the night that my AH spent in jail last month -- what a shock that was! I had no idea about this and he was living here at the time.
Now I know that I can't control what he does, where he goes, who he is with. But it drives me insane! We live in a small community where everybody knows everybody's business. His mom found out from his sister who found out from a friend who works at the plant my AH works at. So I know they know about it at his work. They supported him through his meltdown a few years ago (dui, stint at rehab) so I don't know how much patience they will have with him. If he loses his job, he doesn't pay support...........you see where that is going. I know logically that I can do nothing about that and to worry is expending valuable energy for something I have no control over.
Why is this so embarrassing to me? Why do I have to feel that what he does is a reflection on me or my children? I can't stand the thought of being judged because he does stupid things and even more so, people judging my daughters who deserve it even less than I. I work with many of the police in our area and crown attorneys so that adds another layer for me. Another thing is that I hate feeling like I've had the "wool pulled over my eyes" yet again.
I know, logically, that I need to let it go. I know logically that there is nothing I can do about it now (or then). I still feel like I want him to know that I know -- do I say something? Why do I care? How have others moved pass finding out things they would rather not find out about? Ugh!
She asked me if I knew about the night that my AH spent in jail last month -- what a shock that was! I had no idea about this and he was living here at the time.
Now I know that I can't control what he does, where he goes, who he is with. But it drives me insane! We live in a small community where everybody knows everybody's business. His mom found out from his sister who found out from a friend who works at the plant my AH works at. So I know they know about it at his work. They supported him through his meltdown a few years ago (dui, stint at rehab) so I don't know how much patience they will have with him. If he loses his job, he doesn't pay support...........you see where that is going. I know logically that I can do nothing about that and to worry is expending valuable energy for something I have no control over.
Why is this so embarrassing to me? Why do I have to feel that what he does is a reflection on me or my children? I can't stand the thought of being judged because he does stupid things and even more so, people judging my daughters who deserve it even less than I. I work with many of the police in our area and crown attorneys so that adds another layer for me. Another thing is that I hate feeling like I've had the "wool pulled over my eyes" yet again.
I know, logically, that I need to let it go. I know logically that there is nothing I can do about it now (or then). I still feel like I want him to know that I know -- do I say something? Why do I care? How have others moved pass finding out things they would rather not find out about? Ugh!
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
It helps if you can find some activities to take your mind off him and put it somewhere else. Anything senseless and self-indulgent that comes to mind will do--movie, books, shopping, talking on phone, computer surfing. You have to really "teach" yourself how to change your thought patterns from the old way to the new, better way where your focus is on you and what you can control, not on anyone else.
This applies to so many situations, not just being involved with an A. Learning a new way of thinking, responding, making choices....
This applies to so many situations, not just being involved with an A. Learning a new way of thinking, responding, making choices....
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Originally Posted by timetogo 
Why do I have to feel that what he does is a reflection on me or my children? I can't stand the thought of being judged because he does stupid things and even more so, people judging my daughters who deserve it even less than I.
Because you're a codependent and that's what codependents do.
BTW, neither of you or your daughters deserve to be judged for his behavior.
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
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Thanks Peace -- I know you are exactly right. I know what I "should" do, but sometimes I need a kick in the butt to remind myself!
It drives me nuts when people feel so compelled to let me know what he is doing. They never told me before so why do they have to tell me now (and I know, I can't control what others do) it's just a vent!
Thanks for reminding me what a healthier thing to do would be
Laurie
It drives me nuts when people feel so compelled to let me know what he is doing. They never told me before so why do they have to tell me now (and I know, I can't control what others do) it's just a vent!
Thanks for reminding me what a healthier thing to do would be
Laurie
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
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Thanks sailorjohn -- you're right. Hello, I'm Laurie and I AM Codependent! I have so much work to do on myself to remember that his or anyone elses actions are not a reflection on me. It's so hard when I've spent the first 1/2 of my life living that. It will come.
I know that neither myself or my daughters deserve to be judged for his behaviour. That's part of the guilt that I live with -- I chose to live here and accept the unnacceptable, they did not. I'm working on that guilt too!
Laurie
I know that neither myself or my daughters deserve to be judged for his behaviour. That's part of the guilt that I live with -- I chose to live here and accept the unnacceptable, they did not. I'm working on that guilt too!
Laurie
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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TTG,
Sorry you are feeling badly. I know what it is like to be embarrassed by their behavior at the same time knowing that you are not a part of it.
I too live in an area where EVERYONE knows EVERYONE'S business. There is no escaping that other than to "rise above it" and not participate yourself. I struggle with similar issues of people telling me things that he does. Now, I am still bothered (working on that), but I don't feel it is a reflection of me as I gain greater distance (time wise) from him.
I hope this helps a little.
Sorry you are feeling badly. I know what it is like to be embarrassed by their behavior at the same time knowing that you are not a part of it.
I too live in an area where EVERYONE knows EVERYONE'S business. There is no escaping that other than to "rise above it" and not participate yourself. I struggle with similar issues of people telling me things that he does. Now, I am still bothered (working on that), but I don't feel it is a reflection of me as I gain greater distance (time wise) from him.
I hope this helps a little.
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
I know what you are going through. It is so difficult. It is such a process. Hang in there it is progress just being able to recognize these situations.
Personally I would leave it alone. no need for him to know you know. And if you did tell him it wouldn't solve anything....would it?
(((())))
Personally I would leave it alone. no need for him to know you know. And if you did tell him it wouldn't solve anything....would it?
(((())))
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: over the rainbow
Posts: 487
you didn't cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. it is not yours to own. so let it go. smile when they bring crap to you, even though you might not see it too clearly many of them are part of his sick merrygoround-so it might not be as "helpful" as they might seem to think it is and when they tell you crap you don't want or need to hear, you can tell them the same freakin thing "i didn't cause it, i cannot control it and i can't cure it, plus i really don't give a crap either". may take the wind out of their sails too, those who feel the need to bring you such news. hold your head up....you can be proud of you-cause you are at least sober and not making decisions which get you to jail!!
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
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Hi timetogo--
One thing that's helped me in similar situations is to take a deep breath and pick any person in my world-- anyone-- my sister, my kid's teacher, the perfect garden lady down the block, a cousin, a co-worker, anyone- and imagine if I found out their spouse was busted -- would I judge that person? Would I think badly about her? Would I see her spouse's behavior as somehow connected to her?
I usually answer No to that hypothetical. I usually would feel only compassion for that person.
All that anxiety you're digging up is all just going down in your mind. In YOUR mind!
As CatsPajamas most excellent tagline reads: "What other people think of me is none of my business!"
peace-
b
One thing that's helped me in similar situations is to take a deep breath and pick any person in my world-- anyone-- my sister, my kid's teacher, the perfect garden lady down the block, a cousin, a co-worker, anyone- and imagine if I found out their spouse was busted -- would I judge that person? Would I think badly about her? Would I see her spouse's behavior as somehow connected to her?
I usually answer No to that hypothetical. I usually would feel only compassion for that person.
All that anxiety you're digging up is all just going down in your mind. In YOUR mind!
As CatsPajamas most excellent tagline reads: "What other people think of me is none of my business!"
peace-
b
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I read what your MIL said to you as a share of sorts.
It reminds me of a time when I worked in a corporate environment with a very unpredictable boss who would go on rants through the office. We were all baffled as to why.
Occasionally pairs or small groups of us would meet after work and of course the conversation would turn to this boss' behavior. Everyone had a small bit of info to pass on as to what was causing the behavior, but noone knew the whole story.
Just before a holiday party for the office a high level manager came to the office with a police officer and escorted the boss from the building, and it was confirmed he was in fact 'let go'. You can imagine the conversation when the part began. We all stayed at the part until the wee hours exchanging the bit and peices we had all learned over time. With everyone together were actually able to peice the drama together and it semed very cathartic for everyone there.
It was as if we had all returned from a traumatic event and could not peice the puzzle of what happened to us together.
Maybe that is what you are receiving from your MIL. Your AF's family, friends, and coworkers have all experienced bits and parts of his behavior and have learned of portions of his addict history and now that you are out in the open about his addiction they want to bring your peice into the puzzle.
If any of this story makes sense, I hope it explains my humble opinion.
Peace
Alice
It reminds me of a time when I worked in a corporate environment with a very unpredictable boss who would go on rants through the office. We were all baffled as to why.
Occasionally pairs or small groups of us would meet after work and of course the conversation would turn to this boss' behavior. Everyone had a small bit of info to pass on as to what was causing the behavior, but noone knew the whole story.
Just before a holiday party for the office a high level manager came to the office with a police officer and escorted the boss from the building, and it was confirmed he was in fact 'let go'. You can imagine the conversation when the part began. We all stayed at the part until the wee hours exchanging the bit and peices we had all learned over time. With everyone together were actually able to peice the drama together and it semed very cathartic for everyone there.
It was as if we had all returned from a traumatic event and could not peice the puzzle of what happened to us together.
Maybe that is what you are receiving from your MIL. Your AF's family, friends, and coworkers have all experienced bits and parts of his behavior and have learned of portions of his addict history and now that you are out in the open about his addiction they want to bring your peice into the puzzle.
If any of this story makes sense, I hope it explains my humble opinion.
Peace
Alice
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These sound like long-time habits, timetogo. You just haven't given yourself enough time to develop new habits yet....he's only just left!! In the new habits, you will give yourself a little time to feel the shock and dismay, then practice letting it go.
And you're wrong about one thing: you CAN control what people like MIL report to you about him. You just have to tell them you don't want to hear it any more...that it hurts rather than helps. You are in control of that. Give it a try!
And you're wrong about one thing: you CAN control what people like MIL report to you about him. You just have to tell them you don't want to hear it any more...that it hurts rather than helps. You are in control of that. Give it a try!
"Taking the risk to blossom"
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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These sound like long-time habits, timetogo. You just haven't given yourself enough time to develop new habits yet....he's only just left!! In the new habits, you will give yourself a little time to feel the shock and dismay, then practice letting it go.
Thanks GL -- you're right, it is so fresh. I wonder sometimes when I will crash -- There has been much going on for the past little while. I often wonder why I don't feel like crashing.
I woke up today feeling different -- what my MIL told me really bothered me for part of my day yesterday (only part of it). But today, I have simply let it go. It is not my business and I can't do anything about it so why worry about it. End of story.
I learn so much from being here -- I'm so very grateful to you all.
Laurie
Thanks GL -- you're right, it is so fresh. I wonder sometimes when I will crash -- There has been much going on for the past little while. I often wonder why I don't feel like crashing.
I woke up today feeling different -- what my MIL told me really bothered me for part of my day yesterday (only part of it). But today, I have simply let it go. It is not my business and I can't do anything about it so why worry about it. End of story.
I learn so much from being here -- I'm so very grateful to you all.
Laurie
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This made me think of something said in a share. It's easier said than done but the next time you react ask yourself how many times you have reacted the same way before. If it is more than 2 or 3 times then take a breath, stop hoping the behaviour will cease, start changing your attitudes, expectations and responses. When you see your part in the pattern you can choose a response other than suffering.
:ghug
:ghug
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Originally Posted by timetogo
I wonder sometimes when I will crash -- There has been much going on for the past little while. I often wonder why I don't feel like crashing.
I wondered this too, Laurie. I felt like I MUST crash some time, mustn't I?
That in itself was a self-defeating belief (see ceridwen's great post about beliefs) I almost felt like there was something wrong with me when I didn't LOL
The thing is, I came to realize, I'd already spent years working on detaching. It wasn't nearly as hard to make the mental separation as I thought it would be, because I'd suffered for a long time and been ready to STOP suffering for a long time.
You may be fine - would that be a bad thing?
"Taking the risk to blossom"
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I thought about this quite a bit today -- about crashing -- though not near as much as usual. I was clear at work, I felt happy, I didn't have any pangs of anxiety -- it was a good day.
That in itself was a self-defeating belief (see ceridwen's great post about beliefs) I almost felt like there was something wrong with me when I didn't LOL
I had a discussion about just this today with a coworker. The same words you said to me GL came out of my mouth to explain my calmness. I think I have been detaching for a long time now. I think I knew it was coming and on some level, I knew I was near my bottom. Now, it doesn't hurt that my AH is being reasonable right now (in regard to finances -- I know that could change, but for now, it's good). I know I could count on him for certain things and he is actually making a real effort to spend time with our daughters.
That being said, I know he is still drinking (night in jail?). But I don't have to take a front sear and watch it and the consequences are all his. What a relief.
That in itself was a self-defeating belief (see ceridwen's great post about beliefs) I almost felt like there was something wrong with me when I didn't LOL
I had a discussion about just this today with a coworker. The same words you said to me GL came out of my mouth to explain my calmness. I think I have been detaching for a long time now. I think I knew it was coming and on some level, I knew I was near my bottom. Now, it doesn't hurt that my AH is being reasonable right now (in regard to finances -- I know that could change, but for now, it's good). I know I could count on him for certain things and he is actually making a real effort to spend time with our daughters.
That being said, I know he is still drinking (night in jail?). But I don't have to take a front sear and watch it and the consequences are all his. What a relief.
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by the way timetogo,
I just wanted to say how proud of you I am. I went back and read some of your first posts here, and it sounds like a completely different person. You've worked so very hard to get to this place. Sure, there's more work to do, and you'll be strong enough to do it, but I wanted to write and suggest that you plan yourself a celebration of some kind........you have really come a long way. I don't know about you, but I definitely work on the "reward system"
Spa visit? Massage? Dinner and a movie out with daughter or a friend?
I just wanted to say how proud of you I am. I went back and read some of your first posts here, and it sounds like a completely different person. You've worked so very hard to get to this place. Sure, there's more work to do, and you'll be strong enough to do it, but I wanted to write and suggest that you plan yourself a celebration of some kind........you have really come a long way. I don't know about you, but I definitely work on the "reward system"
Spa visit? Massage? Dinner and a movie out with daughter or a friend?
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When I was separated from my partner due to her severe dry-drunk relapse, I found it really disturbing and very, very sad to have people tell me things about how bad and messed-up her life was getting.
So, whenever someone would start telling me stuff about her, I would stop them.....literally, I would just put my hand up and say, "Please don't tell me; I don't want to know."
Of course, at first they still usually managed to get a few juicey tid-bits out before I stopped them, but pretty soon people got the hint and, first, would ask me if I wanted to know (...and I'd say, quickly and very firmly "No."), and then finally they just stopped bringining it up all together.
I love my partner a lot...and part of the reaon I had asked her to leave at that time was because it was just tooooo friggin' painful to have to be part of the audience for her self-destructive, unhealthy behavior. And it wasn't any less painful to have to hear about it while we were apart.
I mean, I can (and I did) love her and pray for her and wish for the best for her without subjecting myself to the pain and sadness of "watching" her self-destruct....so why wouldn't I exercise that option and maintain my boundaries around it?
freya
So, whenever someone would start telling me stuff about her, I would stop them.....literally, I would just put my hand up and say, "Please don't tell me; I don't want to know."
Of course, at first they still usually managed to get a few juicey tid-bits out before I stopped them, but pretty soon people got the hint and, first, would ask me if I wanted to know (...and I'd say, quickly and very firmly "No."), and then finally they just stopped bringining it up all together.
I love my partner a lot...and part of the reaon I had asked her to leave at that time was because it was just tooooo friggin' painful to have to be part of the audience for her self-destructive, unhealthy behavior. And it wasn't any less painful to have to hear about it while we were apart.
I mean, I can (and I did) love her and pray for her and wish for the best for her without subjecting myself to the pain and sadness of "watching" her self-destruct....so why wouldn't I exercise that option and maintain my boundaries around it?
freya
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
As always, thank you all for your words of wisdom -- It is beyond words how much strength and courage I ALWAYS muster up after coming here.
Thanks for the kudos and pats on the back GL -- that kind of acknowledgement truly empowers me.
I think one of my true blessings in life is to work where I do because I'm constantly helping others with their own self care and it certainly rubs off on me. Tuesdays, for example, I facilitate a drop in program for women. Any women can attend, not just survivors of abuse. Our topic today was a woman in recovery and she talked about AA. It was truly inspiring to hear her horrible story and her climb out of it. It helped me to gain some compassion for my husband (I did have some) and to really realize the pain he is in. For a moment, then I focussed back to me. I KNOW I have to get back to Alanon.
By the way GL, about a celebratory thing, I'm waiting for my girlfriend to pick me up, off to Hamilton to see Nickelback (I'm a concert freak!!). Nice dinner, some rock and roll! Can't wait!
Thanks again all
Laurie
Thanks for the kudos and pats on the back GL -- that kind of acknowledgement truly empowers me.
I think one of my true blessings in life is to work where I do because I'm constantly helping others with their own self care and it certainly rubs off on me. Tuesdays, for example, I facilitate a drop in program for women. Any women can attend, not just survivors of abuse. Our topic today was a woman in recovery and she talked about AA. It was truly inspiring to hear her horrible story and her climb out of it. It helped me to gain some compassion for my husband (I did have some) and to really realize the pain he is in. For a moment, then I focussed back to me. I KNOW I have to get back to Alanon.
By the way GL, about a celebratory thing, I'm waiting for my girlfriend to pick me up, off to Hamilton to see Nickelback (I'm a concert freak!!). Nice dinner, some rock and roll! Can't wait!
Thanks again all
Laurie
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