Confused
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Reading PA
Posts: 46
Confused
My fiancee lives two hours away from me with his mother and during the week he goes to AA meetings and has a sponsor. On the weekends we meet up at his house that is halfway between us and he has been drinking--I think I am just being used to be the excuse to get away from his mom's to drink.
He tells me he cannot live with me because he has to work his program down at his Moms. He is $15,000 in debt and is in danger of losing his house. His Mom and sister have given him money and he recently got a construction job that pays him under the table so he can avoid his creditors. All we do is meet at his house and hang out and have sex. We never do anthing and I am just getting tired of being along. He tells me I am selfish because I do not understand that he has to work his program. He also wants me to give up my job I had for 24 years and move my son up to his house to help him save it. I do not mind helping but I am not sure what I am getting back from this relationship.
Advise?
He tells me he cannot live with me because he has to work his program down at his Moms. He is $15,000 in debt and is in danger of losing his house. His Mom and sister have given him money and he recently got a construction job that pays him under the table so he can avoid his creditors. All we do is meet at his house and hang out and have sex. We never do anthing and I am just getting tired of being along. He tells me I am selfish because I do not understand that he has to work his program. He also wants me to give up my job I had for 24 years and move my son up to his house to help him save it. I do not mind helping but I am not sure what I am getting back from this relationship.
Advise?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
If he is drinking, he is not sober and not working the AA program. Period.
Please do not move! Why in the world are you responsible for helping him save his house? Are you part owner? If not, it's not your problem. Sounds like it's a consequence of his bad choices. Those consequences are his to deal with, not yours.
Please take the time to figure out why you want to be in this relationship, what you are getting out of it and decide if life with an active alcoholic is what you want for yourself and your son. Assume what he is now is what he will continue to be since he sure isn't serious about sobriety at this point.
Please do not move! Why in the world are you responsible for helping him save his house? Are you part owner? If not, it's not your problem. Sounds like it's a consequence of his bad choices. Those consequences are his to deal with, not yours.
Please take the time to figure out why you want to be in this relationship, what you are getting out of it and decide if life with an active alcoholic is what you want for yourself and your son. Assume what he is now is what he will continue to be since he sure isn't serious about sobriety at this point.
A Brand New Life
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 287
Blessing in disguise??? Please think about your child before you make this decision. Unfortunately, they are the only ones that keep us from making the wrong choice at times. There are good people in this world who will keep you from feeling lonely. Your fiancee is looking for a way to be comfortable in all aspects. He is sheltered, taken care of and believe me honey I have been there. They just keep sopping up resources as they are offered. It seems like you are just a fun place to land on the weekends and that isn't fair. What responsibility can he provide for you and your child? Can he be a good role model, maintain the household if God forbid you get sick? What if you had to leave your child with him because you were in the hospital...could you trust him? I don't think that I would pursue someone who is not offering a safe place for you in your life. If you want to make things work, as is, can you truly see yourself happy with him? Be careful with your decision it is very important because it will shape the way you feel for the next lifetime if you choose this path. You can be alone with peace of mind or continue to walk down this path of questions and inconsistencies? I pray for you and myself because I have the same person in my life and am slowly trying to slough him off completely. My life has never been more scary or lonely but slowly I have made friends and had experiences that have been so much fun and very fulfilling without him. I promise you have a wonderful future if you choose not to get involved. It is a blessing that he is away because you have the time to make your own life and live. Girl get out there and have fun, live your life and make it your own. I will keep you in my prayers. Take care of yourself and do what is right for you. 
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Bohn, this is pretty rough, and just my personal opinion, but....he appears to be using you for sex and security.
And what you're giving him isn't even enough for him -- he wants you to come be his banker and provider too.
He is not sober, he is not "working his program" - that's a lie. He's drinking and lying about it so he can continue to sponge off his mom.
Please don't settle for this. You deserve so much more. But you'll never find that person who wants to spend time with you-and-only-you if you're still living off the crumbs thrown to you by this guy. Please don't do this to your child. I was raised in that hell and never forgave my mother for it.
Just my two cents -- take it for what it's worth. Wishing you strength and faith to move toward a better life for yourself.
And what you're giving him isn't even enough for him -- he wants you to come be his banker and provider too.
He is not sober, he is not "working his program" - that's a lie. He's drinking and lying about it so he can continue to sponge off his mom.
Please don't settle for this. You deserve so much more. But you'll never find that person who wants to spend time with you-and-only-you if you're still living off the crumbs thrown to you by this guy. Please don't do this to your child. I was raised in that hell and never forgave my mother for it.
Just my two cents -- take it for what it's worth. Wishing you strength and faith to move toward a better life for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
from B-52:
Sounds like it's a consequence of his bad choices. Those consequences are his to deal with, not yours.
Hi Bohn05:
What Barbara said above is so important to learn for us who love alcoholics.
Welcome-- stick around--
peace,
b
Sounds like it's a consequence of his bad choices. Those consequences are his to deal with, not yours.
Hi Bohn05:
What Barbara said above is so important to learn for us who love alcoholics.
Welcome-- stick around--
peace,
b
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