tallulah

Yesterday I went to my 6th Al-Anon meeting.

Now I am in pieces. This is hard for me to put out there but even if no-one reads it is out of my system and that can only be a good thing right?

I have been in a relationship with this man (my A) for 2 years and 8 months. I moved in with him after a year. For most of that time it has been both a lovely and lonely experience.

For a year now I have lived like an ‘occupant’ in this house. I have slept on an airbed in the living room each night. All intimacy went too. There were kisses and cuddles but they were stilted and scary. This started when I found out he had been contacted by his ex wife who had emailed him with a ‘thinking of you, missing you’ email after her own relationship had broken down and he responded and said nothing about it to me. That in itself was no problem: the contact and response that is. It did leave me puzzled as after a heart to heart some time before she got in touch he had told of her cheating on him, lying about being pregnant and having a termination and putting around a rumour that he had sexually assaulted her. I found it odd that not only did he respond but also he’d forwarded that email from his web mail account where it was received to his work email account and carried out the correspondence there.

What hurt me was the deceit. He said he was going to tell me, that he was just fishing for information from her, that he was just seeing what she was up to and why she’d been in contact. But I didn’t believe him. He said recently that after the emails I knew about he hasn’t been in contact since. Again I’m not sure I believe him.

So I withdrew. He had played games with me before with contact with other women that had hurt me more than he will ever know (in fact he never wanted to know how much). I slept on an airbed and felt scared to be close to this person. Protecting myself I suppose.

So after my first Al-Anon meeting three weeks ago, to cut a long story short, he said he felt the relationship was bad for both him and me. I said I didn’t know. To be honest I don’t. I love him but I don’t know how I feel about it. My heart feels one way and my head feels like it wants to turn the clock back to the day I met him and avoid ever crossing paths. If that makes any sense?

So for the past three weeks we have been separate and I have been going to two meetings a week and trying to work on my life. Trying to set up moving on and all that entails: job, home etc. Starting again. With the help of the fellowship I have not completely crumbled and although it is a slow and steady pace… (I’d like to click my fingers and everything be sorted out and I’m moving out and on.. but that isn’t going to happen.. lol)… I’m putting the focus back on me.

This has been hard. My A likes to play ‘I have more experience in these programmes than you’, ‘you’ve said you’re going before and you’re still here’ and likes to jeer at my recovery and take my inventory. He has also said he is ‘conflicted’ about our relationship and is, I suppose, fearful that I am going to walk out of his life and letting me will be a big mistake. I told him that I can not be responsible for him and all I can do right now is what is best for me and that is not sitting around hoping that it dawns on him that our relationship is worth saving (or not, as the case may be).

So why am I in pieces? Because, the pain of this is great and at the moment I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel so tired and overwhelmed. I listen to other people’s shares; their recovery, the serenity they feel and I feel so jealous. My serenity at the moment comes from shutting down and withdrawal. The initial buzz of finding Al-Anon and the strength seems to have left me. I can't even open my mouth in meetings.

I feel incredibly sad and impotent and bewildered.

carne

I feel incredibly sad and impotent and bewildered

Hi Tallulah,

My story is nothing like yours, I have an alcoholic son and feel totally useless because I am not putting boundaries in place. But I relate so much to the way that you feel, I wanted to acknowledge your feelings and your impotency. Good on you for going to al-anon, I haven't even got that far, but you have made a start and from what I have read it is hard but will get better. We are all separated by so many thousands of miles but you are certainly not alone, this is a huge community of people affected by alcohol. I wish you all the best in your fight for a normal life.

tallulah

Hi carne.. thank you for your words of support.. :ghug

I understand what you are saying. I don't think I have established my boundaries properly if at all. I'm not even sure if I know what they are.

Al-Anon is a great help and I would recommend it. Sitting in the rooms is probably the only time my mind is at ease at the moment. It's a comfort and a strength. I just don't seem to be able to sustain it (that is, sustain what it gives) at the moment.

I think I probably need a good cry and to be gentle with myself today.

MissFixit

Tallulah,

You sound sad. Feel good about yourself as you are SMART to recognize unhealthy behavior right now. Many people don't see it or just accept it. You say it bothers you. What bothers you? The deceit?

My ex told our friends that I broke up with him to justify cheating on me behind my back. No one said a word to me as they believed his stories. i found out months later after he was engaged to the woman. At the time we were still dating and he spoke with me everyday telling me that we would be engaged in a few months and married this spring.

People say many things to get out of uncomfortable situations. Please read his actions, not his words. Do you want to play second fiddle to the ex, if that is the case?

What do you want for your life? Be sweet to yourself. Can you treat yourself to a day or evening of pampering? Coffee, dessert, tea, massage, window shopping, book browsing, bubble bath, healthy dinner, movie??? Anything to help relax you and make you feel better?

Take Care.

Miss

Barbara52

I highly recommend the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. It helped me understand the concept very well and helped me a great deal in my personal recovery journry.


Being gentle with ourself is always a good idea.

tallulah

Hi MissFixit.. thank you for your reply and your good wishes..

I suppose what bothers me is that I fell for it. The deceit that is. And I'm not just talking about the lies he has told me and others. I'm talking about the lie he lives.

The ex wife thing happened a year ago. That was the final straw for me and resulted in my withdrawal. Nothing physically happened between them and I don't know whether the emails continued beyond what I'd seen. I just shut down and stopped caring anymore. Stopped thinking about it. Stopped thinking about anything he did. That way he couldn't hurt me anymore.

I suppose to understand you need a bit of the background. He used to trawl the internet for women, email them, get their numbers, flaunt them in my face, call me nasty names to my face s well as to them, tell anyone who would listen that I had the problem. So to then find emails to his ex wife of all people, flirty in nature, reminiscing, not even mentioning me and him, was quite painful.

I didn't start out that way. Feeling so unsteady and unsure. I, believe it or not, used to a capable confident woman. I remember in the first year of our relationship he had concert tickets. It was for a band I did not particularly care for so I said why not take his ex girlfriend (the one before I came along). He said he didn't want to. I said I had no problem with it after all I suggested it and he still said no he didn't want to. End of story. Cut to a year later. We had an argument and he said that he had wanted to take his ex and that I had got angry about it and then said something about me thinking they were going to get intimate in his car. Crazy I know. But then that's what he does to demonise me. But my point is that in the beginning of our relationship I was confident enough to say 'hey why not take ***** to the concert' and at the end I'm closing down my emotions and feeling crappy and insecure.

I'm going to keep out of his way. That is what makes me happy at the moment... when he is not around me sharing my space. I know that sounds awful. But I just want to put on a movie and chill out without feeling his presence.

MissFixit

Try reading the Lundy bancroft book, "Why Does He Do That." It has helped me resolve some of the change in behavior and objectively look at what abusive (emotional, physical, verbal) men do to keep us hooked and what role we play in keeping them attached to us.

Barbara52

As I look back, I wonder where the capable confident woman I was before I married xAH (and who I am again) disappeared to during the 4 yrs I was married to that man. Truly, I changed in so many ways that were so contrary to the real me its amazing! I tolerated behaviors I never would have (and never will again). I allowed myself to doubt my own perceptions, I allowed myself to be convinced (by him and my own thoughts) that marriage meant being treated like garbage in oh so many ways. I was someone I did no recognize as me.

tallulah

thank you for your post.. :-)

I probably didn't make it clear.. I'm 3 weeks out of the relationship. Unfortunately we are still having to share the house until I've got somewhere else (and I'm on that) but the relationship such as it is, is over. I spend as little time as possible with him and communicate only when necessary. I tried the talking to him about it in week one but was met with a brick wall so I gave up and just focussed on me.

Nothing keeps me there anymore. I've woken up. :-)

tallulah

thank you for that... :-)

I'll go and hunt it down. I think it will help my recovery if I can understand the hooks. It'll also (hopefully) steer me in the right direction with any future relationship.

tallulah

thank you for your post Barbara..

I see myself now and I don't even recognise me. This last six months have seen me become a very insular, unsure, sad, lonely person. I've just slowly built a brick wall around myself and cowered inside it: 6 months building until I disappeared and 6 months sheathed. I think I even look different (I probably don't but it seems so to me).

I suppose I couldn't take anymore or tolerate him anymore. Like I say, I was protecting myself from further damage: or so I thought.

I'm so pleased to hear you have found yourself again. That is what I have asked my HP for.

Today I just feel like some of the bruising (metaphorical not actual bruising) is coming out.

tallulah

that has raised my first smile of the day.. :ghug3

Barbara52

Yeah, I think that's part of the process of healing and dealing with our own issues.

GiveLove

Tallulah,

I am relieved you're finding your way out of this relationship, which clearly has been damaging to you. But I understand how much it hurts some days to be in this nether-space where you're not there but you're not quite gone yet (being in the same place with him still)

Congratulations on your recovery efforts, and your focus on yourself (you are, after all, the only one whose life you can control)

If your life is anything like mine (and it sounds like your situation is a LOT like mine was) you will experience a burst of healing when you finally have your own safe haven again, with a real bed that's yours, without the fierce tension of being around a dead relationship, and able to start the real work of rebuilding that strong, capable woman you used to be.

And if I was a betting woman, I'd say that a year from now you will be one of those women who comes back to us and says, "Guess what? I never knew I could be so happy."

It's a long road to there from here, but you don't have to sprint it. Small, steady steps will keep you on the path to that place.

Hang in there
:ghug3

tallulah

That made me cry.. :ghug

GiveLove

You're going to be okay. :ghug3

Daisy30

can i get an AMEN!!!!!!!!!! ^^^