what do i do now?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 5
what do i do now?
My Ah and I have been married for 4 1/2 years. When we met, I was not aware of the severity of his disease and by the time I found out, I was in head over heels mode and wanted to "rescue" him. His major problem was subtance abuse, but was able to kick that 3 years ago. Unfortunately, the drinking has progressively gotten out of control. We have a beautiful 4 year old son who is literally the best thing that has ever happened to us. My question is, when he stays out frequently, drinking til he gets drunk and picks fights with me so he can get drunk, calls me names and tells me I'm weak, spends WAY too much of our money on drinking, and tells me that our son will HATE me if we ever get divorced....what am I supposed to do now?
I am to the point where I'm numb. I don't cry anymore or get upset and I'm thinking I'm no longer in love with him. I have a STRONG feeling that he will never fully give up drinking and I do NOT want to be married to a drunk.
I am to the point where I'm numb. I don't cry anymore or get upset and I'm thinking I'm no longer in love with him. I have a STRONG feeling that he will never fully give up drinking and I do NOT want to be married to a drunk.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome.....
I there is anything I could say to help it would be to find the first Al-anon meeting that you can.
I could not live with a drunk either, and I heard all that BS too when I was struggling with that relationship.... when he starts talking like that just remember it really is not about you.... he is quacking to make himself feel better or create an excuse to drink.
You did not cause his drinking, you can not control his drinking and you can not cure his drinking.... all you can do is focus on yourself, get educated, decide what your boundries are going to be and then set and stick with them. You will meet many other women in Al-anon that have gone through what your are and a good many still going through it.... build a suport system.... you will discover your story is not uncommon.... and your not insane.
I there is anything I could say to help it would be to find the first Al-anon meeting that you can.
I could not live with a drunk either, and I heard all that BS too when I was struggling with that relationship.... when he starts talking like that just remember it really is not about you.... he is quacking to make himself feel better or create an excuse to drink.
You did not cause his drinking, you can not control his drinking and you can not cure his drinking.... all you can do is focus on yourself, get educated, decide what your boundries are going to be and then set and stick with them. You will meet many other women in Al-anon that have gone through what your are and a good many still going through it.... build a suport system.... you will discover your story is not uncommon.... and your not insane.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 5
I knew that would be the answer. We used to go to meetings together...me to al-anon, him to aa, but of course got the standard "those meetings just make me want to use/drink even more." so of course I stopped going too. I do need to go again and work on me. I'm scared to death of the impact this is going to have on my son-whether I leave or if I stay, I feel like he's screwed.
We Do Recover
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,619
Welcome! GLad you are here. 
Have you ever been to an Alanon meeting? Those meetings are there to help support you. We are also here to help support you--at SR. You didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it--his disease/addiction etc. You and your child deserve to have a happy life. You don't have to live in turmoil--it isn't healthy. Plus, your son is at an impressionable age too....not also to mention that one day he may also turn against him--get angry one day. You and your son shouldn't llive in fear--I'm sure if he hears all the commotion plus sees you upset, that must affect him too. You are not alone. My heart goes out to you.
Does your husband admit to having a problem? Does/would he get help? Would he go to family counseling perhaps? Is he willing to do any of these things?....if not then perhaps maybe it would be a good idea to set up your own boundaries>what you will/will not tolerate--and stick by them. Keep reaching out. Help is within your reach.
Have you ever been to an Alanon meeting? Those meetings are there to help support you. We are also here to help support you--at SR. You didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it--his disease/addiction etc. You and your child deserve to have a happy life. You don't have to live in turmoil--it isn't healthy. Plus, your son is at an impressionable age too....not also to mention that one day he may also turn against him--get angry one day. You and your son shouldn't llive in fear--I'm sure if he hears all the commotion plus sees you upset, that must affect him too. You are not alone. My heart goes out to you. Does your husband admit to having a problem? Does/would he get help? Would he go to family counseling perhaps? Is he willing to do any of these things?....if not then perhaps maybe it would be a good idea to set up your own boundaries>what you will/will not tolerate--and stick by them. Keep reaching out. Help is within your reach.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 5
Yes, he knows he has a problem. I guess I'm just so sick of the vicious circle. He'll go out on a "binge" and I'll put my foot down and claim that I've had it. He'll apologize and say he'll do whatever it takes. It's always temporary. I'm afraid we'll never get out of this cycle.
We Do Recover
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,619
Nothing changes if nothing changes. You can be the positive change in this relationship--whether or not he decides to change. He has to want to change for himself--first and foremost. I don't know anybody who got and stayed sober for the sake of somebody else--although there are some people who can....but for most alcoholics--they must want to stay sober for themself in order to achieve any lasting length of sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
If you cannot take action to improve your own life please do it for your son. He is already learning the lessons children of alcoholics learn. He is already learning drunkeness is normal, that a man treats his wife with disrespect and that abuse is a fine thing for a man to engage in. Are these lessons you want your son to learn? Don't fool yourself that he is too young to be aware. I know I was around that age. Not with the words, thought and feelings of an adult of course but at a childs level where everything is because of them.
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
Hi! Welcome!!!
Many of us have been where you are.
I am glad to hear that you have gone to meetings! Keep going!!! whether your AH goes or not doesn't mtter this is about you
Educate yourself about the disease or refresh your memory. Read the stickies at the top of this forum. They are full of great information.
The best way to make the cycle stop....is to stop your part in it. You can no longer ride the rollercoaster if you don't get on.
They say the defination of insanity is: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
(((()))) Glad your here! keep posting
Many of us have been where you are.
I am glad to hear that you have gone to meetings! Keep going!!! whether your AH goes or not doesn't mtter this is about you
Educate yourself about the disease or refresh your memory. Read the stickies at the top of this forum. They are full of great information.
The best way to make the cycle stop....is to stop your part in it. You can no longer ride the rollercoaster if you don't get on.
They say the defination of insanity is: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
(((()))) Glad your here! keep posting
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by kryn 
My Ah and I have been married for 4 1/2 years. When we met, I was not aware of the severity of his disease and by the time I found out, I was in head over heels mode and wanted to "rescue" him. His major problem was subtance abuse, but was able to kick that 3 years ago. Unfortunately, the drinking has progressively gotten out of control. We have a beautiful 4 year old son who is literally the best thing that has ever happened to us. My question is, when he stays out frequently, drinking til he gets drunk and picks fights with me so he can get drunk, calls me names and tells me I'm weak, spends WAY too much of our money on drinking, and tells me that our son will HATE me if we ever get divorced....what am I supposed to do now?
I am to the point where I'm numb. I don't cry anymore or get upset and I'm thinking I'm no longer in love with him. I have a STRONG feeling that he will never fully give up drinking and I do NOT want to be married to a drunk.
I am to the point where I'm numb. I don't cry anymore or get upset and I'm thinking I'm no longer in love with him. I have a STRONG feeling that he will never fully give up drinking and I do NOT want to be married to a drunk.
Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
Yes, he knows he has a problem. I guess I'm just so sick of the vicious circle. He'll go out on a "binge" and I'll put my foot down and claim that I've had it. He'll apologize and say he'll do whatever it takes. It's always temporary. I'm afraid we'll never get out of this cycle.
If he knows he has a problem, what is he doing about it? My AH would do the same thing -- I would react the same way -- this has gone on for YEARS AND YEARS. He would binge, acknowledge his "problem", say he can fix it on his own, I would forgive and we would move on to the next time. At one time, he did do a stint in rehab, then AA but as soon as he felt better it was back to the same old same old.
They say the defination of insanity is: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
This is sooooo true. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I finally decided a couple of months ago that I was getting off the rollercoaster. I could no longer let myself make him my priority when all I was was an option. I was numb like you and had totally lost myself. There was way to much water under the bridge. I was enabling him to continue the behaviour.
He moved out last week. It is difficult, I have good and bad moments. But I know that it is the right thing to do. I gave him the choice of seeking help or moving out. He chose to leave. It hurts but I can't control his decisions (and Lord knows I've tried). I think we will go on to have a relationship, because of our kids, but it will be without me having to watch him slowly kill himself.
Try to focus on you and your kids -- live your own life, whether it is with or without him. I remember at one point he actually told me to do that, and I did. It did get better when I wasn't so focussed on what he was doing, where he was going, who he was with. And I know that it will get a lot better now.
take care
Laurie
If he knows he has a problem, what is he doing about it? My AH would do the same thing -- I would react the same way -- this has gone on for YEARS AND YEARS. He would binge, acknowledge his "problem", say he can fix it on his own, I would forgive and we would move on to the next time. At one time, he did do a stint in rehab, then AA but as soon as he felt better it was back to the same old same old.
They say the defination of insanity is: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
This is sooooo true. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I finally decided a couple of months ago that I was getting off the rollercoaster. I could no longer let myself make him my priority when all I was was an option. I was numb like you and had totally lost myself. There was way to much water under the bridge. I was enabling him to continue the behaviour.
He moved out last week. It is difficult, I have good and bad moments. But I know that it is the right thing to do. I gave him the choice of seeking help or moving out. He chose to leave. It hurts but I can't control his decisions (and Lord knows I've tried). I think we will go on to have a relationship, because of our kids, but it will be without me having to watch him slowly kill himself.
Try to focus on you and your kids -- live your own life, whether it is with or without him. I remember at one point he actually told me to do that, and I did. It did get better when I wasn't so focussed on what he was doing, where he was going, who he was with. And I know that it will get a lot better now.
take care
Laurie
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 5
Thank you Laurie, for sharing. I think I need to hear other women who have left their husbands, who have children as well...I need to hear that it is possible to get through this and that things will be okay one day. Thanks to everybody else who has given their feedback as well. I'm really drawing on the strength of others right now. I just got home from church...my ah of course stayed home getting over a hangover...and I realized that I just need to give it to God, because this is too big for me right now.
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