sailorjohn

My Dad. In the program. For over 30 years, though he did go out on a road trip about 10 years ago for over 4 years, it almost killed him. In any event, after the anger and hurt from the meeting today subsided, I got to thinking, do I really need this person in my life? Trying to look at it rationally here. We meet every Wednesday, and quite often I don't feel very good about myself afterward. And I'm not sure if I can do anything about it at this time. Has anyone out there had to detach to the point I'm thinking of, with their parent(s)? How did you handle it?

laurie6781

Yes I did John.

First I had to remember my PRIORITY LIST.

HP first.

Then me.

Then those around me in order of importance to me.

In July of '87 I hung up on my mother for the last time for over 5 years. Changed my phone number and had NO CONTACT what so ever with her.

Now, I did have some contact with my younger sister, who respected my privacy and did not tell her where I was or give her any info.

In August of '92 Andrew was headed directly toward them (he moved in the last hours, so they were realitively unscathed) so I called.

Her 'attitude' had totally changed. This time it had been me not them that said I wanted nothing more to do with them. I will say that for the last 12 years of her life we did have a much better relationship than we had ever had before.

Was it hard? You bet it was. However, (yeah there's that 'but' again) I had to do it for me. My mother, and in some respects my father also as he was with her had just become TOO TOXIC for my sobriety.

Talk with sponsor. Write about it a lot. Do a "Pro and Con" list of having no contact versus having contact with your father. Pray about it, if you pray. The answers will come.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

PS Bear in mind that I don't believe there is a child on this earty that has ever met their parent(s) expectations, and parent(s) have a unique skill to be able to put a 'guilt trip' on their children. Now it's up to you how much of the the guilt you want to accept.

Freedom1990

Yes, I've had to go no contact on more than one occasion with both of my parents when they are in toxic mode.

Does it pi$$ them off? You bet. Do I care? No, my sobriety has got to come first and foremost.

yeahgr8

My mother is the one in my case. I feel so dreadful everytine i have contact with her, so now i just reply to her infrequent emails. Nothing is dicussed except wishing each other happiness for various holidays of the year. I have my brother on facebook but he sends me a message every couple of months. I have no contact with my uncle nor my father. Maybe things will change in the future, never say never right? But for the foreseeable future this is how it has to be as they are TOXIC to me.

With my father 5 years ago i just stopped going to see him and did not give him any of my new contact details. The funny thing is he has not made and real effort to contact me either, there are ways if you really wanted to, i guess that says it all!

I feel for you on this one though and hope you get it sorted for yourself and not because of any unfounded guilt you may feel.

MissFixit

Yes. My mother has mental issues and I had to distance myself (no contact) wiht her from 2003 until Dec 2008. I just felt all the sudden sorry for her and reached out. She so far is respecting my boundaries, but I have to keep vigilant about limiting communication.

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

HI. I had/have some issues with my father beginning after my mother died. I couldn't understand his choices. Every time that I spent time with him I felt like you did. So, yes, I did detach. We see each other a couple times a year with other family as "buffers". It works out pretty well. I still love him, I believe he loves me the best that he can and this way works for us.

I would pray on it as has been said. Hang in there.

coyote21

My Dad's 78 now, left when I was 2 and I saw him sporadically over the years. He never was a "Dad".

A few years ago he gave me some "unsolicited" advice about how I should be living my life. You know, if he'd been around I wouldn't have been so offended. I didn't talk for 5 years.

Then last year after my divorce around Christmas I called, really more for my daughter's sake. Sent him school pictures etc., she talked on the phone and asked for a picture of him.

Nada, zip. And the funny part is I was surprised? He was never a dad to me, and I suddenly expected him to care about being a grandpa to my kid? Talk about going to the hardware store for bread.

I decided that was it for me, some one on here just refers to their family as "dead" whenever it comes up in polite conversation. Saves all the weird explanations. I borrowed that idea.

Yes, he's an A by the way. In retrospect I feel kind of fortunate not to have had to deal with him growing up.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Barbara52

Yup, a few times over the years. I've had to tell my parents they were not allowed near my children when I wasn't around. I've cut off all contact for periods up to 6 months at a time. I moved out when I was 17 to live with my grandmother to get away from the drunkenness and abuse.

It's not easy. But it was the best thing I could do for me.

At the moment my 2 sons have both cut off all contact with their father because he and his wife are just plain toxic to them (long story). Their father has treated them poorly over the years and finally crossed the line with both of them (at separate times) so that both of them no longer see or speak to him. It's been a year for my older son (24) and 7 months for my younger son (19). Both of them are struggling with the fact that their father has rejected them but on the whole are doing well without the additional garbage their father and his A wife throw their way.