mermaidgirl

You have all done this (I know you have)...sat here reading threads and relating to them sometimes with tears in your eyes, as I have. I found this site one week ago and I'm thankful I have...

My quick story-married a great guy 61/2 years ago with 3 children-I had one. Found out into year two of marriage he was an active alcoholic (found a vodka bottled wedged in between the seat) and he was my carpooler to get the kids to school...

He started and stopped AA a number of times but has remained sober for almost 5 years now. I have my graduate degree-and a phenomenal career-he went back to school later in life and graduated and is finally employed in a new career. I am so proud of him in so many ways, but he isn't proud of him and this is where the problem sits.

I've read threads where some of you have said alcohol or not, if you're married to a jerk-that it doesn't matter-you are still married to a jerk! I think I fall into this situation. REcently, the lying has hit an alltime high-he has singlehandedly ruined his credit we both worked on to repair over 6 years. The lies go on and on...his unemployed status just about broke the back of the camel. He finally found (I found) an addictions counselor and states he finally has a connection with a counselor. I hope so.

I am exhausted, lonely and confused. I don't want to cut him loose-but the verbal exchanges are exhausting at times, although I have gotten much better at detaching. The problem is I don't want a detached marriage and that is what it is turning into.

I don't know what the future holds-I need to get my son through high school graduation on to college this Fall and will not to anything to upset that apple cart, but after that? Don't know. I know in order for this to work he has to take his recovery-his dry recovery-seriously.

Thank you for reading-thank you all for posting-especially the the "older, wiser" ones. We appreciate you-

kermit

Welcome! I don't have any advise, but I will tell you that it is slow around here on the weekends, someone will come along with some wise advise, but for now

Freedom1990

First of all, welcome to SR, and sorry for the lack of responses. As Kermit said, it tends to be slower on the weekends.

For me, I had to walk away from the EXAH for my own safety and sanity.

I also have a 31 year old AD who isn't interested in recovery because according to her, she doesn't have a problem.

I can relate to the lying because that has been the case with my AD for years now. I let her come stay with me temporarily after she served a lengthy jail sentence on felony drug charges.

She stepped over every boundary I had in place and was out the door in a month.

You are the only one who can decide what you want to do.

Personally I couldn't live with someone who wasn't honest, dry or not.

:ghug :ghug

mermaidgirl

Thanks for all of your replies...I continue to seek the right thing to do. Difficult for me to kick anyone to the "curb" and I embrace the good in him. Everyone has their limits and I guess I'll know when I get to mine-if ever.

sailorjohn

welcome!!!

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.

Barbara52

Perhaps recognizing that acting in your own best interests and that of your children is not "kicking your AH to the curb" may help you as you figure out what you want to do.

I don't think I've come acrss a single poster in here who has done that to the A in their life, whether it be a spouse, sibling, parent, child or friend. Some of us have decided that we could not live with our As. I don't think any of us reached that decision easily or viewed it as kicking them to the curb.

I know I left and divorced my xAH with reluctance and sadness because I did love him once and still care very much what happens to him. I just also know I could not live with an active A nor could I control any aspect of his addiction.

Viewing one possibly action in such a negative manner is a way to convince yourself that it is not a viable option. And it may not be the right option for you now or in the future. But negative thinking tends to lead to negative living in my experience.

mermaidgirl

First of all-thank you for all of your responses...

I don't think I'm there yet in terminating the relationship-too much going on to give him that kind of attention right now. But, I can say I have been completely surprised by something he did today-he actually made amends to me on a huge issue. Took total reponsibility for his 1099 taxes from 2008. He basically never set aside any money to pay the taxes...something I had suggested, but I cannot talk to him about money-at all. Well, this morning not only did he get up early (he works the 3-11), but called me at work and said he couldn't sleep all night (what???) because it was bothering him that he f'd up again and he is tired of doing this to me.

You could have knocked me over with a feather. This is what I have held out hope for-I pray it continues...this is the first time he has ever stepped forward in 7 years...to actually do something and take responsibility...

Dreamchaser71

mermaidgirl--
I really feel for you because I'm feeling this to right now. The only difference is there are no exchange of words or affection or looks mostly silence. Right now I feel an argument would be welcomed because it would be communication.
I've been told to hang in there to be patient and strong but it's getting very hard to do and I'm so lost right now. I do everything in my power to not let him see me cry.
My heart goes out to you and so do my prayers.

Still Waters

Dreamchaser,

Don't bother arguing, it doesn't prove that he cares, and you cannot argue with the insane.

Besides, you can't win - he doesn't like it when you talk, he doesn't like it when you don't talk. Losing battle.

Can you tell us a bit more about your situation? Is he going to AA for instance? Are you able to get to Al-anon?

Who told you to hang in there?

(I'm nosy aren't I)

Don't cry, start thinking about WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO DO FOR YOU. What you want out of life and what you can do to attain it. What you deserve in a relationship, and what you are capable of giving.

Then cry a bit if it makes you feel better Living like this is hell, I know it is and I pray that you'll find some peace.

Jadmack25

Still Waters is spot on. You can't rationally discuss anything with him when he is in this state of mind. My Gran used to say this when nothing worked.
"Save your breath to cool your porridge".

Concentrate on you and do what you need to for your own good.
If he is looking at himself and wants to make his amends and change his ways then that is wonderful, and I hope for both your sakes it is the start of something better for you.

winky

I can sympathize with you. My husband of almost 30 years, has been sober now for almost 6 months, after spending 28 days in rehab. He goes to AA every morning at 7 am. HOWEVER, he hasn't worked his steps, our marriage went south many years ago, because of the drinking, inattention to me and the boys, and his constant involvement with others, even had an affair, which I finally got him to admit Christmas eve.
Now, I am still pondering do I throw him out, and spend the rest of my life alone, or try to get over all the past stuff. He is really trying, but refuses to talk anymore about the past, and I feel like he hasn't confessed it all. We've been to marriage counseling as well, and it didn't help. We began drifting toward separate paths over 20 years ago, and I can't seem to get any feelings for him back. He says he wants to stay -
No advice here from me; I should have left him 20 years ago!

Dreamchaser71

Thanks everyone, I'm going to start a new thread so I don't over take mermaids.