Does anyone ever miss their drunk?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 59
Does anyone ever miss their drunk?
As I go through a divorce from my mentally, verbally and physically abusive alcoholic spouse I had some odd feelings this week. This person has been completely terrible to me in every way over the last few years. They are being so aweful during these divorce proceedings it's just criminal. I'm so happy to have chosen to leave but this week I felt some things I wasn't prepared for. I felt saddened, emotional and I missed this person. After how horrible things have been it just jumped up and surprised me. I wasn't really ever ready to feel this way but I did this week. It has been a bit rough and I really can't understand it very well. Has anyone ever else felt like this?
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by faith12 
As I go through a divorce from my mentally, verbally and physically abusive alcoholic spouse I had some odd feelings this week. This person has been completely terrible to me in every way over the last few years. They are being so aweful during these divorce proceedings it's just criminal. I'm so happy to have chosen to leave but this week I felt some things I wasn't prepared for. I felt saddened, emotional and I missed this person. After how horrible things have been it just jumped up and surprised me. I wasn't really ever ready to feel this way but I did this week. It has been a bit rough and I really can't understand it very well. Has anyone ever else felt like this?
You've heard of Kubler-Ross? I think it's healthy and perfectly natural.
Kübler-Ross model - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
damn, yeah I understand.....mine damn near put me in a grave and still I wanted him back, only because he was firmiliar he was what I knew I felt I didnt deserve any better.....who would want me after all I had been threw with me and my luggage right? Stinking thinking......isn't it nice to think about what you want for a change?
I pray you are finally putting yourself first that would be YOUR FIRST STEP TO RECOVERY......good luck and keep posting......
Hugs,
Pamm
I pray you are finally putting yourself first that would be YOUR FIRST STEP TO RECOVERY......good luck and keep posting......
Hugs,
Pamm
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Why does a drunk miss his bottle even though it's never brought him anything but (very) temporary pleasure and then lots and lots of suffering?
Mentally, I missed having someone in my life who was familiar and "known"
Physically, I missed the constant adrenalin-rush drama of always worrying about what was going to happen next.
Emotionally, I craved someone who would love me for who and what I was, and my mind kept trying to jam him into that job -- push that square peg into a round hole, even though it had never brought me anything but suffering before.
But miss the drunk? Never once. It was all the roles I'd pushed him into (protector, hugger, sparring partner, all that) that I missed having.
The quiet was unbearable for a while, and I had to force myself to go out and do other things that I loved. Eventually, the cravings faded and I filled those needs in other, healthier ways, with other, healthier people. Until you fill the needs, your brain might continue to think -- on some subterranean level -- that he's the answer.
Do you keep a journal? Mine was really helpful...gave me a place to pour out all these loud, strange, conflicting feelings until they made sense LOL
Mentally, I missed having someone in my life who was familiar and "known"
Physically, I missed the constant adrenalin-rush drama of always worrying about what was going to happen next.
Emotionally, I craved someone who would love me for who and what I was, and my mind kept trying to jam him into that job -- push that square peg into a round hole, even though it had never brought me anything but suffering before.
But miss the drunk? Never once. It was all the roles I'd pushed him into (protector, hugger, sparring partner, all that) that I missed having.
The quiet was unbearable for a while, and I had to force myself to go out and do other things that I loved. Eventually, the cravings faded and I filled those needs in other, healthier ways, with other, healthier people. Until you fill the needs, your brain might continue to think -- on some subterranean level -- that he's the answer.
Do you keep a journal? Mine was really helpful...gave me a place to pour out all these loud, strange, conflicting feelings until they made sense LOL
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
I DO NOT miss his drunk self, but in all honesty, I didn't see that much. He would simply not come home if he had been drinking or using. Then he wouldn't have to admit he did it and he could "get away with it". So I very rarely saw him drunk or high.
I miss many many things. I would say 90% of everything we had with each other was great. It was the 10% that would erase it all.
Every time I miss the good part of him, I remember some of the bad. For the longest time, because I didn't know where we would end up, I would write every indiscretion in my journal -- when I miss him, I read that and remember what it felt like.
Be easy on yourself, there is nothing wrong with feeling sad about a marriage that has ended. Like Sailor John said, the stages of grief are normal, necessary and healthy for us to move forward. Feel the feelings -- they do serve a purpose.
take care
Laurie
I miss many many things. I would say 90% of everything we had with each other was great. It was the 10% that would erase it all.
Every time I miss the good part of him, I remember some of the bad. For the longest time, because I didn't know where we would end up, I would write every indiscretion in my journal -- when I miss him, I read that and remember what it felt like.
Be easy on yourself, there is nothing wrong with feeling sad about a marriage that has ended. Like Sailor John said, the stages of grief are normal, necessary and healthy for us to move forward. Feel the feelings -- they do serve a purpose.
take care
Laurie
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
I don't miss the drunken beahvior, the lies, the blaming. I miss the hugging, cooking together, traveling together, experiencing new things together. I miss the friend I once had who I could tell anything to...that man is no longer with us. The selfish, manipulative,cheating, liar that I don't recognize is here now.
I miss the kind man, but he is off in space now. Glimpses of him are fleeting and the sick person that remains is abhorrant.
I miss the kind man, but he is off in space now. Glimpses of him are fleeting and the sick person that remains is abhorrant.
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
my wife developed alcoholism after 5 years of marriage. before the person I knew left her body and alcohol entered, she was the best person i had ever known in my life. the alcohol hammered her and the lovely traits were replaced with nastiness, lying, anger, hostility, scamming, blowing lots of money on booze, stumbling in the door, near DUI's. I became the enemy and the alcoholic seasoned low life scammers; her allies and advisors.
I do miss the person I knew before the alcohol. I do not miss the alcoholic person.
Some people go through life and never know the happiness I had (before booze)
I am grateful for having known that happiness.
I hope one day she finds recovery and serenity.
I do miss the person I knew before the alcohol. I do not miss the alcoholic person.
Some people go through life and never know the happiness I had (before booze)
I am grateful for having known that happiness.
I hope one day she finds recovery and serenity.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
When I left my first husband all I felt was relief. It was as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders! Then I was very happy.
I hope it goes as smooth with the second one; yes I married two of them...
I hope it goes as smooth with the second one; yes I married two of them...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 59
I agree with most everything above. I think what I miss were the things about this person when she was not a drunk and wasn't drunk during. I know this this right what I'm doing. I think I'm going through the "depression" stage of Kubler-Ross. That means I am only a step away from the final one, "acceptance." For some reason I feel sad for this person still and often wish I could help them help themself. The feeling is still there even though I know I can't change her. She doesn't want to change herself. I think it will just take a little more time. It's only been a couple of months. Hopefully in a couple more I'll be feeling differently.
God is leading the way!!!
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 245
Well I dont miss the drunk I am the drunk, I miss that person I had with me the one that love me no matter what he stood by my side with the hopes that I would get better...He left with all the empty promises I made to him...
I will take it one day at a time, hoping to make promises and keeping them this time..........
I will take it one day at a time, hoping to make promises and keeping them this time..........
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,236
It's sad too that I very seldom think
of my exhusband. As much as I wanted
to remain married to one person till
death do us part just didnt happen.
25 yrs is nothing to sneeze tho.
Raised to awesome kids and that's
a blessing.
I married looking for someone to
love me like I had not been loved
before. Coming from an abusive
childhood I just wanted someone
to care for me.
I did marry a good man....no drinking,
cussing, falandering. He was kind,
hard working, smart, intelligent....
I was the alcoholic in the family.
Went thru rehab and changed
in the marriage.....the family
didnt understand me and had
expectation of me becoming
normal.....
My spouse was liked by everyone
and maybe i was jealous of that....
I wanted him for myself....
He took everyone elses side but
the women he married,,,,,,the
neighbor, kids, family.....
The marriage was defnitely un-
balanced....and that made me
cry, scream, frustrated, anxious,
etc.
Finally my prayers were answered
and I was allowed to return to my
hometown here in Baton Rouge,
leaving him back in Houston where
he wanted to stay....
Finally divorce with no verbal
communication thru-out preceedings.
Today im happily remarried as of
Feb 14th to a wonderful man who
is also in AA. We both have a love
of motorcycle riding, holding hands,
tattoos, etc. We are partners in
this marriage built on trust and
honesty with no expectations
on any...Just taking life one day
at a time enjoying life & having fun.
The joy is when at the end of
the day we so look foward to
retiring to bed holding hands.
What a wonderful gift my HP
has blessed me with.
And no i dont think about my
Ex.....and if i do all i have to do
is play those tapes back and
remember how unhappy i was
the entire 25 yrs.
Thanks for letting me share.
of my exhusband. As much as I wanted
to remain married to one person till
death do us part just didnt happen.
25 yrs is nothing to sneeze tho.
Raised to awesome kids and that's
a blessing.
I married looking for someone to
love me like I had not been loved
before. Coming from an abusive
childhood I just wanted someone
to care for me.
I did marry a good man....no drinking,
cussing, falandering. He was kind,
hard working, smart, intelligent....
I was the alcoholic in the family.
Went thru rehab and changed
in the marriage.....the family
didnt understand me and had
expectation of me becoming
normal.....
My spouse was liked by everyone
and maybe i was jealous of that....
I wanted him for myself....
He took everyone elses side but
the women he married,,,,,,the
neighbor, kids, family.....
The marriage was defnitely un-
balanced....and that made me
cry, scream, frustrated, anxious,
etc.
Finally my prayers were answered
and I was allowed to return to my
hometown here in Baton Rouge,
leaving him back in Houston where
he wanted to stay....
Finally divorce with no verbal
communication thru-out preceedings.
Today im happily remarried as of
Feb 14th to a wonderful man who
is also in AA. We both have a love
of motorcycle riding, holding hands,
tattoos, etc. We are partners in
this marriage built on trust and
honesty with no expectations
on any...Just taking life one day
at a time enjoying life & having fun.
The joy is when at the end of
the day we so look foward to
retiring to bed holding hands.
What a wonderful gift my HP
has blessed me with.
And no i dont think about my
Ex.....and if i do all i have to do
is play those tapes back and
remember how unhappy i was
the entire 25 yrs.
Thanks for letting me share.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Brantford, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5
I'm going through that now. I miss him terribly. I still love him very much but I just couldn't handle being around him anymore when he was drunk. It tears my heart out to see him destroying his life, but I can't help him and he doesn't want to help himself because he doesn't think he has a problem. Not even losing me changed his thinking. I hurt for both myself and him. I honestly don't think he'll make it to 50. (he's 40 now and also an insulin dependent diabetic). I cry almost everyday when I get home from work. I so miss the man he was.
notwholeyet
notwholeyet
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