naive

just feeling to write out what has been occurring here. ABF came home at 3am last night. I got up to do “the fire check” once he had cooked something to eat and gone to his room. he has a tendency to fall asleep with the gas heater on or a cigarette in his hand. there are 20 cigarette burn marks already in the wooden floor next to his bed.

he was lying in his bed, drunk, smoking. we had agreed prior that he wouldn’t smoke in bed when he came in. I asked him to go smoke in the living room, sitting upright and he screamed at me “I’ll smoke if I want to!” and turned the radio on really loud.

this morning, he says he won’t smoke or cook if he’s been drinking anymore. then he went out for a drink at 11am. I said to him that I can’t handle much more of this. he came home after a few drinks and then laid around depressed for the rest of the afternoon. I left. when I got back, there was a note that he had taken his boat out to a neighboring island about one hour away by sea. it’s nighttime and that means he’s travelling in the dark and there are no lights on the boat.

so now he calls, six hours later, saying he had a couple of pints on the island, he’s soaking wet, made it back safely and he’s in the pub here now, could I please put some soup in a pot for him? I said no, reminded him no more drunk cooking and I’m not waiting up.

it’s nerve wracking because the boat needs a new battery, which costs about £30. he says he can’t afford a new battery but he has plenty of money to buy pints tonight. I think he might drown himself with this stupid behavior. I’m having a hard time sleeping these days, because I’m always worried that he’ll come in drunk and set the house on fire or the police will come and tell me he’s dead at sea.

I spoke with my mother in america tonight and told her some of what’s going on, which I had never done before. she re-iterated her offer to come and stay with her, which I am considering. I also went to the housing office and made an appointment to meet with them on Monday. I went to the library but they didn’t have “co-dependent no more” and I can’t afford to buy it. I also looked up al-anon but the closest meeting is 3 hours away from here.

thanks for letting me verbalize all that.

marie

GiveLove

Marie,

Glad you are still here. The stress you are suffering is hurting your mind, body, and spirit....here's hoping you will consider taking a break from it with your family. There is nothing you can do to help your BF, and I'm worried he's going to kill you with his actions. Nothing - no one - is worth that.

As for "Codependent No More", if you find yourself with an extra few pennies, you could consider these used copies:
Search Results - Codependent No More
Search by Seller Location/United Kingdom (if that's where you are) and you'll find the copies closest to you. There are many such sources...I'm not endorsing this one.

I am the queen of cheap

Please take care of yourself. This is very serious.

ItsmeAlice

I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and hoping you're well. Take it one moment at a time and try to put worrying about yourself first because you cannot worry him well.

Peace.

Alice

Chrysalis123

Hi Naive. I learned here about --- Awareness, Acceptance, Action.

It appears you are starting to become aware you have some options and this is great news. How do you imagine acceptance and action working out for you?

milenafk2009

I hope you will take some time away for yourself if you have the opportunity. I too fear my ABF may kill himself...simply by drinking to death because when he starts he just keeps going and going and going and going.

I just found this forum a few days ago after he went on a 5 day bender and I foolishly went to him when he asked and tried to "save him"...of course, that lasted all of a few days and he started drinking again!! UGH!!

I am starting to accept now that I can't stop him or save him if that's what he wants to do, there will eventually come some time in the future that I can't babysit him (dumping the alcohol, making sure he eats, bargaining with him so he won't go out and drink more, etc) it's his choice to either drink or be in recovery, might as well focus on me now. My ABF also cooks things drunk, falls asleep and leaves stuff on the stove, thankfully we don't live together!! Very scary stuff, be safe, get away from there for a while, focus on yourself and your own needs. Do something nice/pampering for yourself tonight, right now if you can, that has helped me to feel better these past weeks!!!

Take care of you, that's your job.

It's his job to take care of him--he's not your child, he is an adult and his safety/happiness is NOT YOUR responsibility!!!!

HUGS!!

naive

hi givelove. thank you for remembering me. i can't seem to get into my head how serious this is. i'm in some weird confused denial or something. it's helping to post here, because you guys are calling it as it is.

i'm just exhausted at this stage of things. i heard you guys in my head today when i dragged myself to the housing office, and again when i went looking for the book. i couldn't order it anyway, as i closed my bank account and debit card. it just caused too many fights when i refused to let him use my visa. it just seemed better to not have one, then i wouldn't be responsible for him, say, not paying his car insurance.

i'm doing well with the new "no drink" rule i've made for myself. it's been a few weeks now. i used to show up at bars he was at, mainly just to check on him after he cheated on me with the barmaid. i've decided i don't care if he cheats on me again. i'm almost hoping he does and then he can go live with her and i can have some peace!

LaTeeDa

So, exactly how much more are you willing to handle?

L

naive

chrysalis, I think I’m just only now entering into the “aware” stage. acceptance? that’s tough. i have to accept that i can't stop him killing himself, i have to accept he pretended to love me to take all my money, i have to accept he will probably be happy when i leave as i've become an expense now, i have to accept he will probaby immediately take up with the next enabler. that's a lot to accept.

mainly, i just want to remove myself from his presence. obviously, I have only spoken of the drunken things here, there are nice things too. I just can’t think of any of them right now. they all seem to be in the distant past.

the weekends are particularly rough, as he works as a bouncer at a pub 3 nights in a row. he'll be drunk now until monday. plus, I’m noting that if he drinks heavy at night, he needs a fix again in the morning.

when he called from the pub, he told me he had just gotten his wages for the whole weekend ahead of time. so that means he has cash, which is never a good thing.

the world’s champion bagpiper is playing here tomorrow night. I asked him on Wednesday if he wanted to go with me? he said, might not be able to if we don’t have enough money. it’s £3 ! that’s what one pint costs!

anyway, I ran into one of his older brothers today and asked him. he said he would be delighted to go, his treat.

i only did this because you guys have encouraged me to go out and do something i enjoy. i'm not sure i have the energy really, but i will try!

I want to ask, what should I do about running this household? should I stop doing everything?

Hikeon

I worked with a person who had lived with a fellow like your bf. His roommate died one night from smoking in bed. He was badly burned, and had all his fingers removed before he died, six weeks later. My friend's room was saved from the actual fire, but he has never been himself since that night. He has buckets of water in his room and dotted around his house at all times, even though he lives alone and does not smoke. Considering what happened that night, he knows he is lucky to be alive and unscathed.

naive

lateeda. that's a very good question. i think i have to handle some more of it, as i don't as yet have a firm exit plan and lack resources. i could leap to my mom's in america, but i have a whole life here in the uk. i could just leave with my laptop and the clothes on my back and call it a day. that seems extreme to me and rash. it also leaves him rather cozy, which bugs me. everything in this house i bought. if i just leave, he would inherit the lot, including my car. i am sure he would sell most of it, or just leave it when he inevitably gets evicted.

milenafk2009

naive
I your situation such that you cannot throw him out?
Must it be that you are the one needing to leave?
Sorry if I missed the background of your story in earlier posts and you have already explained the situation, I am pretty new here.

naive

milena-

yes, it's a council flat in his name. when i moved in, i requested joint tenancy at the council, but i was refused because he owes £1000 in rent aurrears.

he has been clear about this anyway when we argue...it's me that's got to go. he even said once when he was cheating with the barmaid that he wanted to move her in here. that was cruel, after four years together. the next day, he said he didn't really mean that. it was just "drunken talk" but i felt violated. it's not much, but it is my home right now.

bookwyrm

Naive, not sure if you've already done this but in the UK you can order books at your local library. They can then reserve the book for you once whoever has it out on loan returns it or they can do an inter-library loan and get it from another library if they don't have it. Speak to the librarians there - they're usually more than willing to help out!

I've posted this site: BookMooch: exchange books and trade them, like a book swap or book barter here before - mainly cos I love it so much! Its a way of exchanging your old books for someone else's old book! All you pay is postage costs - which may be too much for you right now, I know. It's how I got my copy of co-dependant no more.

If you do decide to leave the UK, what's to stop you selling your car/stuff before you go and keeping the money for you? It is only stuff which can be eventually replaced. Your happiness and health are way more important than things. The first steps in Al Anon involves letting things go. I use it on a material level too!

Get to a lawyer too. Most do a free initial consultation. It helped me find out exactly what my options really were before making any decision. I think if you have been living together for 2 years then you have rights similar to a married couple - but I might be wrong about that!

Good luck with the housing office on Monday. Do not be shy - tell them exactly how you are living right now and the abuse you are dealing with.

Take care! :ghug3

Glenna9802

Hey Marie...I do the "fire check" too every night because of AH smoking in bed. One night he left the oven on and the smoke alarm went off at 4am. He is oblivious.

I just wanted to say you seem stronger in your posts here than you did when you first came. I hope you keep posting as it seems to really be helping. Rome wasn't built in a day, for me either, but I think as long as you keep working hard towards your goals you will get there. Sometimes the goals don't even present themselves until the work is done.

Hang in there...I'm thinking of you.

Bernadette

hi naive--
one thing that might help you grasp the seriousness of this situation is what hikeon described above.

we had agreed prior that he wouldn’t smoke in bed when he came in.

Please take any steps necessary to protect yourself.
An alcoholic will promise things they cannot deliver.
So they will say they will or won't drink/smoke/lie/whatever but then THEY WILL!
Why?
Because they are an alcoholic and that's what alcoholics do.

It is best/safer to arrange your life with that understanding firmly in place. Are there good smoke alarms/sprinklers in your flat? You can die within a minute in an apartment fire.

Please, please consider your safety first. The boat doesn't have a new battery and he's gone sailing??? Not your problem!

Living with someone who is wasted and smoking in the middle of the night: Your problem!

peace (((hugs))) and good luck-
b

naive

bernadette-

i did buy a second fire alarm and put it in the hallway outside his room. i also bought a good strong rope, so i could climb out of our third story flat.

he took the rope about a month ago, to tow a car. it never came back.

and yes, hikeon's story is on my mind. i told it to ABF last night. he said he thought we could jump out ok. i also asked him where my rope is? he said he didn't know, why must i make such a big deal of every little thing?

i just now assessed the escape situation in my bedroom (the guest room, where i now sleep).

i think i could climb down the wall, from window ledge to window ledge from one of the windows in my room.

the phone has been ringing non-stop since i returned. it's his friends, calling from the pub he's drinking in. they left a message:

"you have won £25 from wank a donkey dot com. how do you feel?"

what does that mean? such madness. it's all too much.