I'm working it...and the going is slow
 

Hi Friends,
Recently back to Alanon and my friends here. I am working a program and the going is slow, but sure. I feel much more serenity than I did a couple of months ago, before I came back. Looking to make some big changes, not sure yet what they are, but they are coming. I spent a few weeks focused on making the BIG decision, whether to leave or stay. Its not looking good for staying in this relationship, but I am not 100% there yet. I have been trying to focus on me and what I want out of my life now. This attitude shift takes all my attention and effort.

Tomorrow my AH and I are driving to Fl to visit his family. His Dad and brothers are all big A's so this will be a big party. At first I told myself that I would not help to fund the trip, and without my help he would not have been able to go. But then I thought, I can use a few nice days in the sun, away from work, an inexpensive get away. So I told him that if he paid for gas I would put in $200 for other expenses. We will be staying with family and eating in etc, so this might just be enough. If he wanted to have extra spending money, he could have skipped his trips to the local bars three times a week for the past three weeks. But he didn't, so it will be tight.

I have been thinking about what I want to do while we are there and have plans to see my own Dad, go to the movies, go to Barnes and Nobel, go to the community pool to read by myself. I may even go shopping and get my hair done. All these things I allow myself with MY money. This is how I plan to have a great time this week.

This is some progress for me. I still "gave in" to meeting AH's needs to be with his family. But it seemed like a reasonable need, one I could support, that is if he made some effort to finance it. Which he has.

The problem I deal with is that my AH behavior is not that bad right now. Not that great either. I am trying to let go of judging myself for struggling with this relationship, and let it be ok that I am slowly working my way through all of this. Because I am making progress, every day I am trying to become more fully myself.

In May I will turn 50 years old. I have decided to join a mission trip that my church is taking to Jamaica in June. We will be building the roof on a church that was damaged in a hurricane. I am doing this on my own and just for me - a present to myself. I know it will be a life changing event.

Just wanted to let you all know where I was. I'm here, reading your posts, growing, changing, and tomorrow I will be taking a rest. Thanks for listening, any words of insight or wisdom would be welcomed.

It's good that you are finding ways to take care of yourself. Maybe while you are down there you could find a local al-anon meeting.

Great to hear from you, rose.

Whenever I was about to "walk into the dragon's mouth" (i.e. head into a situation with heavy alcoholic stress) I always found it helpful to play the tapes in my head beforehand, so I wouldn't be surprised when things went awry.

Will you be able to take the car and go wherever you wish, or will he give you flak about it?

If things get bad (abusive) do you have a way to get home?

What if he asks for more money and you say no? How will you handle his anger?

If you're kept awake, pestered, or belittled for wanting to have your own experiences there, what might you do to get through it?

None of these things may happen (hoping,praying) But if they do, you might find that thinking through an "escape route" beforehand makes it less stressful than it would be otherwise. Half the shock is when we don't see it coming.

I hope you have a wonderful time and treat yourself well.

Hugs,
GL

Thanks Blondie, I will look today to see what Alanon meetings are in the area and make a plan for attending. Great idea.

GL, yes I have thought about what may unfold while we are there. I can definitely take the car anytime I wish while I am there, he won't give me a hard time about it, it is my car after all. If things were to get bad, and I want to come home, I would most likely take my car and leave him there at his Dad's house. I would not leave my car there. I have told him clearly how much money we have to spend, it is very unlikely that he will ask for more. If he gets angry, and seems unreasonable, I will leave the house or wherever we are, and go to the book store, or the mall.

This is more likely how the week will go: the days will be spent clowning around and going to the beach, around about 2-3pm they will start drinking beer and laughing etc. They will drink themselves silly for a few hours and go to bed. I go to bed early, and can sleep through most anything. I am very fond of his family and they have mostly been very good to me. They know what I like to do and let me do my thing, no one has ever said anything negative to me about not drinking, or reading, or going to bed early. In fact, I think they respect me for those things.

I will try to remember its my week, my time, and my job to have a great time. I will let you know.