new and need some advice about alcoholic BF
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 27
new and need some advice about alcoholic BF
I posted at the newcomers area and they suggested I post over here about this.
I recently began relationship with a man (about one month ago) who told me he was an alcoholic, but was in recovery--had been to AA and had about 6 months sober but had started drinking again right before we met for a brief time...but when we met he said he was back in AA and starting recovery again. He had about two weeks sober, then started to drink again. At first he lied about it and tried to hide it, then eventually he told me he was drinking and then a big mess followed (he went a 5 day binge). I have been reading here trying to understand and find any way to be supportive/deal with all of this.
He got very bad this past week and I was afraid he might actually hurt himself so I spent 2 straight days with him while he began to sober up/go through withdrawal. I wonder if this was not a smart thing to do?? I was just so worried he might actually hurt himself if he did not stop drinking! He now says he is back to AA meetings today and has found the "desperation" now...I hope it is true but have no idea what to believe from him anymore?
Not sure if I can go on with this or ever do this again with him, it was very scary. I already care about him a great deal and we had become quite serious in the past month or so, but, I have alos now read that he should not even have a relationship the first year of recovery.
He also is now becoming distant-- after all the chaos of the past week--and really has not even acknowledged what happened which makes me feel a bit resentful/hurt. He is saying he needs to focus on his recovery and himself (and I AGREE 100%), but he hasn't even addressed what happened this past week once or what this all now all means for our relationship.
I wonder if I should now just end things and move on so he can focus only on recovery or if my doing so might just give him a new excuse to drink?? I also fear this happening again and want to tell him I will not accept his drinking and will never take care of him in that way again...Any advice would be very welcomed.
Thank you
I recently began relationship with a man (about one month ago) who told me he was an alcoholic, but was in recovery--had been to AA and had about 6 months sober but had started drinking again right before we met for a brief time...but when we met he said he was back in AA and starting recovery again. He had about two weeks sober, then started to drink again. At first he lied about it and tried to hide it, then eventually he told me he was drinking and then a big mess followed (he went a 5 day binge). I have been reading here trying to understand and find any way to be supportive/deal with all of this.
He got very bad this past week and I was afraid he might actually hurt himself so I spent 2 straight days with him while he began to sober up/go through withdrawal. I wonder if this was not a smart thing to do?? I was just so worried he might actually hurt himself if he did not stop drinking! He now says he is back to AA meetings today and has found the "desperation" now...I hope it is true but have no idea what to believe from him anymore?
Not sure if I can go on with this or ever do this again with him, it was very scary. I already care about him a great deal and we had become quite serious in the past month or so, but, I have alos now read that he should not even have a relationship the first year of recovery.
He also is now becoming distant-- after all the chaos of the past week--and really has not even acknowledged what happened which makes me feel a bit resentful/hurt. He is saying he needs to focus on his recovery and himself (and I AGREE 100%), but he hasn't even addressed what happened this past week once or what this all now all means for our relationship.
I wonder if I should now just end things and move on so he can focus only on recovery or if my doing so might just give him a new excuse to drink?? I also fear this happening again and want to tell him I will not accept his drinking and will never take care of him in that way again...Any advice would be very welcomed.
Thank you
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
The truth is, he cannot focus on recovery and a new relationship concurrently. And you cannot develop a healthy new relationship with him while he's active or unstable in recovery.
One of the most helpful things you can do for yourself is to take this weekend and read all through these boards, to see the beast you are up against (substance addiction) and read the stories and patterns of all the folks here who have gone this path.
One of most poisonous thoughts in dealing with active addiction is that there is something we "do" or "fail to do" that "makes" them go back to their substance. They and they alone choose to use their substance. You and you alone choose to hang around and sustain damage to yourself from being around addiction.
Welcome to SR, and we hope you take the opportunity to educate yourself and make the best decisions to make YOURSELF healthy. You can't make HIM healthy; he must do this for himself, regardless what the "landscape" around him does.
Hugs to you!
CLMI
One of the most helpful things you can do for yourself is to take this weekend and read all through these boards, to see the beast you are up against (substance addiction) and read the stories and patterns of all the folks here who have gone this path.
One of most poisonous thoughts in dealing with active addiction is that there is something we "do" or "fail to do" that "makes" them go back to their substance. They and they alone choose to use their substance. You and you alone choose to hang around and sustain damage to yourself from being around addiction.
Welcome to SR, and we hope you take the opportunity to educate yourself and make the best decisions to make YOURSELF healthy. You can't make HIM healthy; he must do this for himself, regardless what the "landscape" around him does.
Hugs to you!
CLMI
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I am so glad you found us here. There are many people here who understand - we have all loved alcoholics, or we would not be here.
I wish I had some terrific answer about how to "support him" but truly, the person you need to be supporting is yourself.
He has to make that journey to sobriety himself. He has to choose to STOP, he has to stick with a program of recovery perhaps for years, he has to find a safe place to detox that does not damage the people around him. He is a grown man, and he chooses to drink or not drink.
Unfortunately, you will find that he will happily take all help, support, etc. that you offer, and next week may be drinking again, with no memory or thought of what you had to go through. This, sadly, is a very common pattern.
He should not be in this relationship with you yet, and you should not be putting your happiness in the hands of a man who is not yet serious about recovery. You may care deeply for him, but as you'll learn if you read around on this forum (PLEASE DO) living with alcoholism is a special kind of hell.
What would it hurt to let him work on his recovery for, say, a year. And if he's been able to maintain sobriety for that long, then you can feel it's safe to explore options?
Please protect yourself
I wish I had some terrific answer about how to "support him" but truly, the person you need to be supporting is yourself.
He has to make that journey to sobriety himself. He has to choose to STOP, he has to stick with a program of recovery perhaps for years, he has to find a safe place to detox that does not damage the people around him. He is a grown man, and he chooses to drink or not drink.
Unfortunately, you will find that he will happily take all help, support, etc. that you offer, and next week may be drinking again, with no memory or thought of what you had to go through. This, sadly, is a very common pattern.
He should not be in this relationship with you yet, and you should not be putting your happiness in the hands of a man who is not yet serious about recovery. You may care deeply for him, but as you'll learn if you read around on this forum (PLEASE DO) living with alcoholism is a special kind of hell.
What would it hurt to let him work on his recovery for, say, a year. And if he's been able to maintain sobriety for that long, then you can feel it's safe to explore options?
Please protect yourself
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Welcome to SR. You have found a GREAT place for some really good Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H) from those who have been where you are now.
I am glad you found us, but sorry you had to.
RUN. RUN as far and as fast as you can the other way.
It takes a long time for one in early recovery to become stable enough to manage a 'new relationship' and probably just as long to manage a 'current long time' relationship.
What was said above, take care of you. He has to do this one on his own.
Read the "Stickys" on this forum.
We'll try and share what worked for us.
If I knew then, what I know now, I would not have married my 'sober' alcholic husband. He actually had more sobriety than I did, but soon showed his true colors, laid off on going to meetings, the Casino was more fun, etc and soon he didn't go back to physically drinking but became addicted to Gambling and all the alcoholic behaviors returned ie lying, missing money, bsing, etc
So, for your own sanity, peace and serenity, I can only say run.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
I am glad you found us, but sorry you had to.
I have been reading here trying to understand and find any way to be supportive/deal with all of this.
It takes a long time for one in early recovery to become stable enough to manage a 'new relationship' and probably just as long to manage a 'current long time' relationship.
What was said above, take care of you. He has to do this one on his own.
Read the "Stickys" on this forum.
We'll try and share what worked for us.
If I knew then, what I know now, I would not have married my 'sober' alcholic husband. He actually had more sobriety than I did, but soon showed his true colors, laid off on going to meetings, the Casino was more fun, etc and soon he didn't go back to physically drinking but became addicted to Gambling and all the alcoholic behaviors returned ie lying, missing money, bsing, etc
So, for your own sanity, peace and serenity, I can only say run.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 27
Thank you CLMI and Givelove. I have been reading through earlier posts and, honestly, maybe this is a horrible thing to say, I just do not want that kind of chaos in my life.
The saddest part is that for the beginning few weeks/month when he claimed to be not drinking and claimed to be going to AA, he was wonderful, kind, loving, attentive, interesting and funny and bacause of that things got very serious very fast. We spent nearly all our free time together and we really did enjoy doing things together and sharing our lives with one another.
Then all of a sudden one day he got distant, did not call when he said he would, did not follow through on plans, was very unresponsive in emails/texts (one or two words where before he'd usually just immediately call me if I texted or emailed him). I suspected he might be drinking, after day 2 of his relapse he admitted as much. He was not mean or abusive even when drinking, just sad and almost suicidal and so stubborn about wanting more and more alcohol. Then we had a week of hell where he drank nearly non-stop, and I finally stupidly went to him when he called and then "took care" of him for two days--keeping him away from drinking and generally catering to him while he hid in the house detoxing and going through withdrawal.
Now that is passed and this week he's generally just "checked out" on me completely, no "thank you for taking care of me and giving up a week of your life" no discussion about any of it or how I might be feeling, just a few short emails/ phone calls saying he is ok and going back to AA and meeting with his AA friends for all sorts of social things. So, now it's just all about him apparently? To me this is just selfish, addiction or no addiction-- it's just horribly selfish. I am sorry to feel that way, and I do feel very bad for him and want him to recover but I have feelings as well and it seems a if he is in a place where he makes it sound like I am not allowed to have/express any negative feelings because he is the one with the problem/disease and he is the victim of it. To me that just sounds like BS!
Honestly, I guess I am just really hurt and pissed at myself here, and I feel like a fool for even getting caught up in his chaos for a week while generally neglecting or ignoring things in my own life and my own happiness. I was very upset yesterday, am not an A but did drink a few too many cocktails last night. Today and this weekend I am taking time for me, and may not even answer his emails or calls until next week after I have taken good care of myself and had some time away from him (going to spend some time at my beach house with a few friends, and just not invite him along).
Sadly, I do feel right now that I need to just move on and hope he maintains his recovery...maybe there is a chance for us sometime in the future after he's been sober for a year or more?? God only knows.
The saddest part is that for the beginning few weeks/month when he claimed to be not drinking and claimed to be going to AA, he was wonderful, kind, loving, attentive, interesting and funny and bacause of that things got very serious very fast. We spent nearly all our free time together and we really did enjoy doing things together and sharing our lives with one another.
Then all of a sudden one day he got distant, did not call when he said he would, did not follow through on plans, was very unresponsive in emails/texts (one or two words where before he'd usually just immediately call me if I texted or emailed him). I suspected he might be drinking, after day 2 of his relapse he admitted as much. He was not mean or abusive even when drinking, just sad and almost suicidal and so stubborn about wanting more and more alcohol. Then we had a week of hell where he drank nearly non-stop, and I finally stupidly went to him when he called and then "took care" of him for two days--keeping him away from drinking and generally catering to him while he hid in the house detoxing and going through withdrawal.
Now that is passed and this week he's generally just "checked out" on me completely, no "thank you for taking care of me and giving up a week of your life" no discussion about any of it or how I might be feeling, just a few short emails/ phone calls saying he is ok and going back to AA and meeting with his AA friends for all sorts of social things. So, now it's just all about him apparently? To me this is just selfish, addiction or no addiction-- it's just horribly selfish. I am sorry to feel that way, and I do feel very bad for him and want him to recover but I have feelings as well and it seems a if he is in a place where he makes it sound like I am not allowed to have/express any negative feelings because he is the one with the problem/disease and he is the victim of it. To me that just sounds like BS!
Honestly, I guess I am just really hurt and pissed at myself here, and I feel like a fool for even getting caught up in his chaos for a week while generally neglecting or ignoring things in my own life and my own happiness. I was very upset yesterday, am not an A but did drink a few too many cocktails last night. Today and this weekend I am taking time for me, and may not even answer his emails or calls until next week after I have taken good care of myself and had some time away from him (going to spend some time at my beach house with a few friends, and just not invite him along).
Sadly, I do feel right now that I need to just move on and hope he maintains his recovery...maybe there is a chance for us sometime in the future after he's been sober for a year or more?? God only knows.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by milenafk2009 
honestly, maybe this is a horrible thing to say, I just do not want that kind of chaos in my life.
Sadly, I do feel right now that I need to just move on and hope he maintains his recovery...maybe there is a chance for us sometime in the future after he's been sober for a year or more?? God only knows.
Sadly, I do feel right now that I need to just move on and hope he maintains his recovery...maybe there is a chance for us sometime in the future after he's been sober for a year or more?? God only knows.
CLMI
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: where I need to be
Posts: 46
Milenakf2009: Get out now. I began posting on this sight out of desperation. Within one month a sweet, kind, fun man became dangerous, manipulative and abusive. A man that never even raised his voice to me. You have no commitment to him. His problem is not yours. You can not fix, change or alter the situation. BUT beware…bad things happen to nice people. He is distant for a reason, now is the time to go. Is there anything that is stopping you other than a displaced feeling of responsibility for this person? Finances? Or your own issues with drinking or drugging? These are the questions that you should be asking yourself. You have made it to a good place. The folks here keep you honest and help articulate the feelings that you have but can not quite put into words. Keep us posted.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 27
Beyond BSC...
Thanks, there is nothing stopping me from leaving him other than what is likely a deluded hope that I have wishing he will just "get better" and stop all of this--because I do care about him a great deal and during the nearly month he was not drinking he was wonderful...then it all changed...ugh! I am going to just let it go and try to move on, he needs to recover and I can't be any part of that process, this past week or so was already too painful and chaotic for me...maybe he is also realizing this himself now that he has been sober and back to AA for a bit now and that is why he is distant??
This experience has made me look at my own use of alcohol and begin to explore it and to decide to just quit drinking altogether. Today is my day one. Although I do not drink the way he did, I do drink occassionaly and do have too much sometimes, and watching him in his disease really scared me about alcohol use. Not sure AA is appropriate for me?? But I am looking at all the posts here, and will continue posting here as I continue to just quit drinking and also smoking cigs for myself. Last night I was so upset about all of this and I did drink too many cocktails (even though I made a commitment to myself to give up cigs and alcohol for Lent), and felt out of control/mad at myself afterward upon getting home and still feel out of sorts/hungover today. That is scary and unusual bahavior for me ...maybe this is why God brought this person into my life briefly? To lead me here and into thinking about my own recovery process/addictions?? I am thankful for all the responsive posts here.
Thanks, there is nothing stopping me from leaving him other than what is likely a deluded hope that I have wishing he will just "get better" and stop all of this--because I do care about him a great deal and during the nearly month he was not drinking he was wonderful...then it all changed...ugh! I am going to just let it go and try to move on, he needs to recover and I can't be any part of that process, this past week or so was already too painful and chaotic for me...maybe he is also realizing this himself now that he has been sober and back to AA for a bit now and that is why he is distant??
This experience has made me look at my own use of alcohol and begin to explore it and to decide to just quit drinking altogether. Today is my day one. Although I do not drink the way he did, I do drink occassionaly and do have too much sometimes, and watching him in his disease really scared me about alcohol use. Not sure AA is appropriate for me?? But I am looking at all the posts here, and will continue posting here as I continue to just quit drinking and also smoking cigs for myself. Last night I was so upset about all of this and I did drink too many cocktails (even though I made a commitment to myself to give up cigs and alcohol for Lent), and felt out of control/mad at myself afterward upon getting home and still feel out of sorts/hungover today. That is scary and unusual bahavior for me ...maybe this is why God brought this person into my life briefly? To lead me here and into thinking about my own recovery process/addictions?? I am thankful for all the responsive posts here.
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
living with alcoholism is a special kind of hell.
RUN. RUN as far and as fast as you can the other way.
If I knew then, what I know now
Get out now
Mine hid his "drinking/drugging" from me also.....I thought he was "past" all that. Boy was I wrong. Not only was he a mean a$$ drunk, he was a sneaky, manipulative, scary crack user.
Please read all of those quotes AGAIN and AGAIN. You seem to be a pretty smart lady and you know what your instinct is telling you...I vote to follow your gut.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 27
lovtolaff
Mine is not mean or nasty, just sad and pathetic and sloppy/slurry/disgusting when drunk, making all sorts of promises and begging me not to leave him and promising it will be better if I just stick it out and put up with the rollercoaster ride while he recovers (this is what he says when drunk). The lying he did when he was on his five day drinking spell (hiding it from me at first) has now put me in a place where I can't trust anything he says.
Thank you all for the support and for the honesty about what the future might be with him. Even though I care for him I am going to just try to let him go and move on. I already miss him and I am feeling pretty sad and alone without him these last few days, but I can't trust him now and can't keep doing this with him. I feel emotionally exhausted from the past week, and empty, and abandoned and used now because he's just doing his thing with his AA friends now and generally distancing from me and not even acknowledging what happened at all or showing even the slightest concern for what I might be feeling after all of this.
The past week or so with him was more than enough to scare me away...I hope!
Mine is not mean or nasty, just sad and pathetic and sloppy/slurry/disgusting when drunk, making all sorts of promises and begging me not to leave him and promising it will be better if I just stick it out and put up with the rollercoaster ride while he recovers (this is what he says when drunk). The lying he did when he was on his five day drinking spell (hiding it from me at first) has now put me in a place where I can't trust anything he says.
Thank you all for the support and for the honesty about what the future might be with him. Even though I care for him I am going to just try to let him go and move on. I already miss him and I am feeling pretty sad and alone without him these last few days, but I can't trust him now and can't keep doing this with him. I feel emotionally exhausted from the past week, and empty, and abandoned and used now because he's just doing his thing with his AA friends now and generally distancing from me and not even acknowledging what happened at all or showing even the slightest concern for what I might be feeling after all of this.
The past week or so with him was more than enough to scare me away...I hope!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Hi there,
Please don't be angry with yourself. You are a month or so into this relationship and just getting to know one another. Imagine how much it would hurt if you had spent years or decades and he was still like this...empty promises and all. Just enough hope for you to stay, but too little action for you to be happy.
Please take care of yourself. He is the ONLY one who can help himself with this addiction. It is no reflection of you.
Please don't be angry with yourself. You are a month or so into this relationship and just getting to know one another. Imagine how much it would hurt if you had spent years or decades and he was still like this...empty promises and all. Just enough hope for you to stay, but too little action for you to be happy.
Please take care of yourself. He is the ONLY one who can help himself with this addiction. It is no reflection of you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
maybe this is a horrible thing to say, I just do not want that kind of chaos in my life.
You are far stronger than I was! I chose to go into terrible relationships with alcoholics thinking I could save them, and it took YEARS to get out. The same story goes with many of our SR members.
I'm sorry he didn't turn out to be what he promised to be at the beginning. Many people are on their best behavior in the first few weeks of a relationship, but find they can't maintain the masquerade for very long. I'm glad -- in a sad way -- that you were able to see through the manipulation more quickly than I ever did, and decide you're not willing to put yourself through this.
Hugs to you - please stick around and keep posting if we can be of help. There's a wonderful community of support here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 27
Well, quite the lesson learned here pretty quickly...thank you again for all the responses.
Alcoholic bf is apparently already drinking AGAIN-- after we just went through hell the past week and I spent the two full days with him (missing work, canceling everything in my life, etc) to help him sober up/take care of him through withdrawal! So, all the promises of going back to AA were lies, everthing he said was a lie.
I am very sad for him, and really angry, but, I guess it is better to learn now than to have gone futher in this relationship. He called and told me he was drinking, I said I am sorry you made that choice and I hope your choice works out for you but I want no part of this choice and do not support it. Then I hung up. Am now not answering his repeated phone calls. I hope he will be safe and make better choices for himself, but, I am done.
I am definitely going to run now as so many here have suggested, I am running far and fast.
Alcoholic bf is apparently already drinking AGAIN-- after we just went through hell the past week and I spent the two full days with him (missing work, canceling everything in my life, etc) to help him sober up/take care of him through withdrawal! So, all the promises of going back to AA were lies, everthing he said was a lie.
I am very sad for him, and really angry, but, I guess it is better to learn now than to have gone futher in this relationship. He called and told me he was drinking, I said I am sorry you made that choice and I hope your choice works out for you but I want no part of this choice and do not support it. Then I hung up. Am now not answering his repeated phone calls. I hope he will be safe and make better choices for himself, but, I am done.
I am definitely going to run now as so many here have suggested, I am running far and fast.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 27
Need to simply rant here, I hope that is not inappropriate in any way, and apologize if it is?
Abf is still calling, claims to have gone to a meeting today. His response to all of this past weeks craziness is simply "I am an alcohoholic, you know that, and this is what alcoholics do." That ticks me off because it seems like he's using it to abdicate all responsibility for his recent actions/choices?!? It seems he is saying, well, you knew what you were in for so I have no responsibility, this is just what I do. I simply told him, that may well be the case, but I want a partner who is not abusing alcohol and himself and who is capable of giving/participating in a relationship so I choose not to participate in this anymore. His response, essentially, "I have a disease, this is what alcoholics do, and I know I hurt you but really I am the one who is the victim, why would you leave me/laeve town this weekend when I need your support the most?" Ok, that REALLY ticks me off (sorry) because HE has been choosing drinking over recovery these last weeks...plain and simple in my mind-he made a choice to not manage his disease, right? But, maybe I just don't get it, surely I don't? I just can't get on board with the idea that he has no responsibility for his choices to miss meetings and his choice to drink instead?
Anyway...sorry to keep going on about this, I know my situation is completely trivial in comparison to what many here are facing, I am just really trying to be strong and stick to my decision to just move on. But it's hard even after just a bit over a month in the relationship, and he keeps apologizing and promising the world and claiming he's back in recovery and going to AA, even though I know in my rational mind that everything he is saying is probably a lie right now, I just so want it to be true and just want him to get better!
I feel for all of those here that are facing relationships that have lasted much longer than me and my Abf, my heart and prayers go out to you all! Thanks for the responses and for this wonderful community of support.
Abf is still calling, claims to have gone to a meeting today. His response to all of this past weeks craziness is simply "I am an alcohoholic, you know that, and this is what alcoholics do." That ticks me off because it seems like he's using it to abdicate all responsibility for his recent actions/choices?!? It seems he is saying, well, you knew what you were in for so I have no responsibility, this is just what I do. I simply told him, that may well be the case, but I want a partner who is not abusing alcohol and himself and who is capable of giving/participating in a relationship so I choose not to participate in this anymore. His response, essentially, "I have a disease, this is what alcoholics do, and I know I hurt you but really I am the one who is the victim, why would you leave me/laeve town this weekend when I need your support the most?" Ok, that REALLY ticks me off (sorry) because HE has been choosing drinking over recovery these last weeks...plain and simple in my mind-he made a choice to not manage his disease, right? But, maybe I just don't get it, surely I don't? I just can't get on board with the idea that he has no responsibility for his choices to miss meetings and his choice to drink instead?
Anyway...sorry to keep going on about this, I know my situation is completely trivial in comparison to what many here are facing, I am just really trying to be strong and stick to my decision to just move on. But it's hard even after just a bit over a month in the relationship, and he keeps apologizing and promising the world and claiming he's back in recovery and going to AA, even though I know in my rational mind that everything he is saying is probably a lie right now, I just so want it to be true and just want him to get better!
I feel for all of those here that are facing relationships that have lasted much longer than me and my Abf, my heart and prayers go out to you all! Thanks for the responses and for this wonderful community of support.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
No worries about ranting!! We all need to get this stuff out of us, into the fresh air where it can't burn us inside.
He is indeed doing what alcoholics do -- including
lying,
trying to get you to enable him again,
telling you what he thinks you want to hear (about the meeting),
and blaming his choices on "the disease."
Abdicating responsibility, in your words - so true.
Can you block his number, milenafk2009? He sounds very much like my XABF, who really didn't let up until I got very tough with him. Made my life very miserable indeed....because it was all about HIM, don't you know. My feelings really didn't matter.
Another things alcoholics do......sigh.
Take care of yourself
He is indeed doing what alcoholics do -- including
lying,
trying to get you to enable him again,
telling you what he thinks you want to hear (about the meeting),
and blaming his choices on "the disease."
Abdicating responsibility, in your words - so true.
Can you block his number, milenafk2009? He sounds very much like my XABF, who really didn't let up until I got very tough with him. Made my life very miserable indeed....because it was all about HIM, don't you know. My feelings really didn't matter.
Another things alcoholics do......sigh.
Take care of yourself
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 27
Originally Posted by GiveLove
Can you block his number, milenafk2009? He sounds very much like my XABF, who really didn't let up until I got very tough with him. Made my life very miserable indeed....because it was all about HIM, don't you know. My feelings really didn't matter.
He really does not care about anything right now other than his damn drinking, that is clear to me, he could care less about how I feel. Meeting or no meeting, and, I don't believe he went to one anyhow-- the story just doesn't add up as he relates it, fuzzy on specifics about where and when he attended a meeting when I asked him, so, it seemed like a lie to me.
*sigh* just feeling pretty sad and angry...sorta wish I had never even met him, even though that likely sounds horrible and mean...UGH.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by milenafk2009
His response to all of this past weeks craziness is simply "I am an alcohoholic, you know that, and this is what alcoholics do." That ticks me off because it seems like he's using it to abdicate all responsibility for his recent actions/choices?!? It seems he is saying, well, you knew what you were in for so I have no responsibility, this is just what I do.
Originally Posted by milenafk2009
I just can't get on board with the idea that he has no responsibility for his choices to miss meetings and his choice to drink instead?
Originally Posted by milenafk2009
I know my situation is completely trivial in comparison to what many here are facing
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hope you make it out....
i was given the advice to "run and run fast" about four years ago. i didn't. i wish i had because then i wouldn't have gotten pregnant, had an abortion, had him financially bleed me down to poverty, not to mention his drunken infidelities. i would still be living in my lovely home but now i'm living with him in his ghetto flat. my new neighbors are prostitutes and drug dealers.
my advice to you would be run! and run fast! if you need to prove it to yourself, then start keeping a daily journal of his madness. it is very helpful to review what happened two weeks ago and remind yourself when it begins again.
i would also do some fact verification, if you can't let go. in my case, once i started verifiying where he said he was, etc. it became painfully clear he was a liar and would say just about anything to hide his drinking.
enjoy your time at the beach this weekend.
marie
my advice to you would be run! and run fast! if you need to prove it to yourself, then start keeping a daily journal of his madness. it is very helpful to review what happened two weeks ago and remind yourself when it begins again.
i would also do some fact verification, if you can't let go. in my case, once i started verifiying where he said he was, etc. it became painfully clear he was a liar and would say just about anything to hide his drinking.
enjoy your time at the beach this weekend.
marie
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 27
UN_BE_LIEVE_ABLE.
Ok, I really will try to make this my final rant on the subject...
So, find a way to turn his ring/number off on my mobile phone, now he calls the land phone at the beach house (I didn't even think he had the number, he must've looked it up) Why? Well, to tell me about all the problems he had today and the bad mood he is in! Did not even ask me once how I am, what I am doing, how my day went, how the travelling went, NOTHING! He just set into all his whining/problems and used them as his litany of excuses for missing his AA meeting today. Apparently the WHOLE WORLD is now conspiring against him!!
All I could think was...
*YAWN*
I am proud that I resisted the urge to even suggest solutions for his traumatics--all minor problems which could have been solved by any rational 4 year old child!1 I simply told him, well, I am sorry to hear your day is difficult, I am sure you'll work it all out. He was nearly non-responsive...then he told me all the probs AGAIN (I think he must have thought I didn't hear him the first time, since I had no offers of help or solutions) and I said the same thing in response AGAIN. Then he asks am I coming back to town now?!!! I say, no, why would I do that, he says b/c he is free tomorrow and he's in the middle of all this crisis. I said, well, you'll work it all out and that's nice that you are free to take care of all of this in the morning and still have a wonderful day afterward then. After that the convo was damn short b/c he wanted to immediately call...get this...HIS MOM! Maybe he'll find some sympathy there/go to her house...I am just all outta sympathy for him this week...and maybe forever. I don't want to be mean, but truly, what a load of total selfish BS!
Ok, I really will try to make this my final rant on the subject...
So, find a way to turn his ring/number off on my mobile phone, now he calls the land phone at the beach house (I didn't even think he had the number, he must've looked it up) Why? Well, to tell me about all the problems he had today and the bad mood he is in! Did not even ask me once how I am, what I am doing, how my day went, how the travelling went, NOTHING! He just set into all his whining/problems and used them as his litany of excuses for missing his AA meeting today. Apparently the WHOLE WORLD is now conspiring against him!!
All I could think was...
*YAWN*
I am proud that I resisted the urge to even suggest solutions for his traumatics--all minor problems which could have been solved by any rational 4 year old child!1 I simply told him, well, I am sorry to hear your day is difficult, I am sure you'll work it all out. He was nearly non-responsive...then he told me all the probs AGAIN (I think he must have thought I didn't hear him the first time, since I had no offers of help or solutions) and I said the same thing in response AGAIN. Then he asks am I coming back to town now?!!! I say, no, why would I do that, he says b/c he is free tomorrow and he's in the middle of all this crisis. I said, well, you'll work it all out and that's nice that you are free to take care of all of this in the morning and still have a wonderful day afterward then. After that the convo was damn short b/c he wanted to immediately call...get this...HIS MOM! Maybe he'll find some sympathy there/go to her house...I am just all outta sympathy for him this week...and maybe forever. I don't want to be mean, but truly, what a load of total selfish BS!
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: OK
Posts: 85
Reading through this thread and nodding my head. I totally relate but don't do what I'm doing! It's been a little over a year now for me and ABF. The rollercoaster has been incredible. I swear I never thought I'd end up in this position. I've always been a strong independent person but evidently not when it comes to this man.
He is a master manipulator and I fall into the trap more times than not. Some days I look into the mirror and don't even recognize myself and the chaos this man has brought into my life.
We are both professionals although he's now lost his 2nd career and is currently doing odd jobs just to pay child support.
In the meantime I work pretty much around the clock and come home to his whining about how terrible the world is treating him and how he doesn't have enough money to pay support and yada yada yada. Of course they can always find the money to buy the booze.
I am in a period of no contact with him right now due to his latest mess. My father is very ill and dying. I've had this stress to deal with along with incredible work-related stress and of course him. Yesterday was a terrible day for me worrying about my Dad and having to fire someone at work. He wasn't working AGAIN because he was sick. (eye rolls) so called me every few hours to ask how I was doing and ask if there was anything more he could do for me. (this is what sucks me in every time) He's never a mean drunk. He's just a drunk.
Annnyway, I get home and he's drunk on his butt. He had been sober for over 3 weeks and seeing this, after the day I'd just gone through was incredible. I couldn't believe he'd done this on the one day that I needed the most support. What an incredibly selfish man. I told him to get out and not to return. Then called police to let them know he was in his car drinking and heading lord only knew where.
I guess he made it to his place because the phone calls began. I lost count. I hated to turn my ringer off because I have been waiting on calls from family about Dad, but finally I did around 830. I crashed and slept like a log. Woke up this morning to more missed calls.
I'm sorry to vent on your thread, but OMG I so understand where you are coming from. I do not want/need this chaos in my life yet I still get sucked in.
I have started to attend Al-Anon meetings with a friend in an adjacent city. I've only been to two (this is as very large group) but I feel they will be beneficial, not only in dealing with my ABF but also in dealing with life in general and other relationships.
I wish you well. I truly do. Strength Sistah!
He is a master manipulator and I fall into the trap more times than not. Some days I look into the mirror and don't even recognize myself and the chaos this man has brought into my life.
We are both professionals although he's now lost his 2nd career and is currently doing odd jobs just to pay child support.
In the meantime I work pretty much around the clock and come home to his whining about how terrible the world is treating him and how he doesn't have enough money to pay support and yada yada yada. Of course they can always find the money to buy the booze.
I am in a period of no contact with him right now due to his latest mess. My father is very ill and dying. I've had this stress to deal with along with incredible work-related stress and of course him. Yesterday was a terrible day for me worrying about my Dad and having to fire someone at work. He wasn't working AGAIN because he was sick. (eye rolls) so called me every few hours to ask how I was doing and ask if there was anything more he could do for me. (this is what sucks me in every time) He's never a mean drunk. He's just a drunk.
Annnyway, I get home and he's drunk on his butt. He had been sober for over 3 weeks and seeing this, after the day I'd just gone through was incredible. I couldn't believe he'd done this on the one day that I needed the most support. What an incredibly selfish man. I told him to get out and not to return. Then called police to let them know he was in his car drinking and heading lord only knew where.
I guess he made it to his place because the phone calls began. I lost count. I hated to turn my ringer off because I have been waiting on calls from family about Dad, but finally I did around 830. I crashed and slept like a log. Woke up this morning to more missed calls.
I'm sorry to vent on your thread, but OMG I so understand where you are coming from. I do not want/need this chaos in my life yet I still get sucked in.
I have started to attend Al-Anon meetings with a friend in an adjacent city. I've only been to two (this is as very large group) but I feel they will be beneficial, not only in dealing with my ABF but also in dealing with life in general and other relationships.
I wish you well. I truly do. Strength Sistah!
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