bearfeet

Hello Everyone,

Each day I try to gauge how 'normal' I'm feeling. i.e. how much I am obsessing or feeling depressed or how much I am feeling positive and focusing on me and baby. Some days are better than others and I think, well I hope if I looked at the pattern I would see that I have more 'normal' days than not increasingly (You see I want my Normal to be positive and with a healthy focus).

I wondered if anyone had any insight on what his 'normal' might be? At the moment he has been dirinking heavily everyday for 6 months and living with his A father who recieved lots of benefit money. He seems when I speak to him to be happy and able to block out the problems such as walking away from us, his home, his car, his job etc. It seems that living in his dads house with money coming from him to drink heavily has become his 'normal' now when he used to be a proud, caring, working Father.

I'm sure he has some fleeting remorse but nothing major so has he really forgotten all the things he once loved? He did this to his ex partner 16 years ago and left that family and then stayed at his fathers until he met me and it happened again, I think he thought the return to his Dads responsibility free was an almost enevitable outcome.

So does anyone know, is he happy and feeling as normal and unconcerned as he seems because if it's an act he's doing a good job at it.

Any thoughts?

x

SHAMAN

Sorry for what you're going through.

My ex was/is the same way. Just seemed able to turn-it-off and presented as cold, callous yet 'together' as though she was making 'healthy' decisions. Such an attitude seems an all too common dynamic of addiction. Truth is, it appears she was simply running as her secrets neared exposure. It can be truly frustrating and I have been where you are. I now view this as the process of MY recovery.

There are only two things I KNOW for certain:

1) There is a God.

2) I'm not Him.

...so I can't tell you what anyone else is truly thinking or feeling. For me and my recovery, I can't find MY 'normal' by focusing on what others MAY be thinking or feeling... and especially in active addiction, even if I do pinpoint the thoughts or feelings of another... it is usually brief, fleeting, and will change.

I've found as I, "... keep the focus on us and not the alcoholic.", I find greater peace and serenity, "... whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not." There is great strength and insight to be attained if I focus on why I do what I do.

As a note of affirmation... you're not 'crazy'. We just learn to mistrust our own 'normal'... now the task is to unlearn abnormal.

Many Blessings,
Shaman

bearfeet

I know I need to focus on me, I am trying and think I'm getting there(!) I just wonder because his emotions ruled my life for 5 years I can't shake still wondering, is he sad or hurting? Or is he truly where he wants to be? It's easier to accept the latter I suppose it hurts but it allows me to get on and stop waiting for his party to be over.....

x

Pelican

Morning bearfeet!

You are doing well taking care of you and your child. Hang in there!

Our Coyote21 has this quote in their signature space:
"Don't make someone your priority, when all you are to them is an option" - Minnie SR 09/07


You may have heard that before.

I am a recovering alcohlic, separated from my active alcoholic. To an active alcoholic, you are an option, a needy option.

To most sober people, you are valuable, loving, respected, and worthy. :ghug3

tommyk

For me, 'normal' seems to change depending on how much I am working on my recovery.

When I act on my first immediate thoughts I go atray..

When I think things out, use the steps, use the principle, and practice humility, things go good...

Recently 'normal' for me has been the 'things go good' way.

(But I'm only one bad decision from 'normal' being me going astray.)

Moral to what I am learning? I have some ability to choose 'normal'.

bearfeet

That summed it up pelican, I am indeed a needy option, urgh I hate that about me! I think I have to do no-contact I must make myself because thats the only time it seems to surface recently. That and working on myself too.

I know TommyK I am learning that too, some days it feels so empowering just to have the choice and to use it wisely!

I don't know what I'm asking for really, probably that somebody will come along and tells me he's having a terrible time i'm sure...... He'll realise and than it'll all be ok. It's just one of those days for me, I'd rather be angry like yesterday, that at least felt more productive than the wondering!

xxx

FlwrofFrgttng

I've given up trying to understand his thought processes (or lack thereof). Of course I still have my days but for the most part I've just accepted the fact that I will NEVER understand how his mind works. I said in another post that it helps me to think of him as sick. I don't spend time trying to understand the thought processes of any other mental illness. I just accept the fact that the thought processes are not what is considered to be "normal". So I'm trying to consistently apply that to AH. Some days it helps and some days it doesn't.

geees poncho

Normal- for an alkie is drunk, and body temp should read 98.6.

Natural- Is how we were born, hopefully drug & chemical free
and is what most recovering people are seeking.

Typical- Is what your normal/natural feelings are

bearfeet

I know he'll never seek recovery, It's just scoffed at in his culture. I doubt he'll ever come out of denial given the family of A's/Enablers he happily lives with. There is a likliehood he may go to prison for the arson at my house and as it was alcohol related they may give him some help there, but I've not heard of many programmes like that in the UK.

I guess it's time I gave up and think of it as a sickness but that makes it for him a sickness he won't recover from and probably a terminal illness at that.

laurie6781

(((((Bearfeet)))))

I drank for 24 years, 22 of that alcoholically. I drank so I DIDN'T HAVE TO FEEL. That was "Normal" for me. Did I know I was in h*ll? Yes, right at the end, when the denial could no longer hold the realization that 'I was dying' at bay.

So your A is 'normal' for him right now. Will he find recovery? Only HP knows.

It might be best for you to go no contact, take your focus off of him totally and focus on you and your family. Every second or minute you waste thinking about 'him' is time you are taking away from having a good life.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

bearfeet

Laurie781 thank you for your wise advice. I'm so happy that you are here to tell the tale and the pain you have gone through must have been unthinkable, but thank you for sharing some of it with me to help me work through mine which seems considerably small in comparison.

You're right I need no contact, I've known this for a while now, it's just going through with it and sticking to it, that's the bit I worry I won't achieve. x