boocatgirl

Hello all,

I am brand new to this site. I have been looking for someone/somewhere to go to find information and support as I navigate my babydaddy's struggle with alcohol and depression. There were so many flags and warnings from the very beginning, but I just didn't get it. I feel SO stupid. I apologize if I sound crazy. I'm feeling emotionally deflated today. Tough love is...well... tough. I'm vacillating between feeling relieved to have him out of my house tonight and guilty, because I know he has no place to go and very little pocket money (been unemployed for nearly a year, and is probably down to the last $20 of his unemployment).

I just wanted to tell you all how much I appreciate finding this site and reading your posts, and feeling like there might be a place where I can go to talk freely about my situation, without judgment. My friends all think it is simple thing to toss this man under the bus. I am struggling with tough love... and feeling guilty for being so tough. I love the sober man, not the drunk guy. And besides the usual sh*t that comes with this behavior, we have a child with developmental challenges who loves her daddy. It is heartbreaking for me on so many levels, but I can't allow the unacceptable behavior to bring her and I down. Up until he came back into our lives, I was supporting the two of us just fine.

To his credit, this past weekend he opted to go into Rehab through the VA, but it appears they are slow in getting him into a residential home??? I called his doctor today and she would not tell me the process. A 10 day wait to get an interview to determine if you qualify for a bed, when you are telling them you are ready to go now and commit?? Now he is spending his time sitting in my house getting more and more anxious, thus drinking while he waits for the rehab placement? I couldn't take it.

I have felt so trapped so long. I didn't think I wanted to talk... but apparently I did. Has anyone had any experience with loved ones getting into a rehab and how long it took you?

I'm sorry you are here, but grateful not to be alone.

Boo

sailorjohn

WELCOME!!!

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.

laurie6781

WELCOME to SR. You have found a GREAT place.

Please do not feel quilty, there are TONS and TONS of 'Homeless Shelters' in your area. He is a SURVIVOR. He will find a place to stay.

As to

That's actually quite reasonable. The VA is overloaded ................................ not only are they still dealing with many Viet Nam Vets, they also have the vets from Desert Storm back in the early '90's and now the new crop from this war with Iraq.

You also have many AlAnon meetings in your area, and it might behoove you to attend a few (well a lot more than a few, lol) to see what YOU can do for YOU to get past this.

Do not feel guilty ...........................................

You didn't CAUSE this.

You can't CONTROL this.

and

You can't CURE this.

Again I WELCOME you to Sober Recovery. I am glad you are here but sorry for the reasons that brought you.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

JenT1968

hello!!!

so glad you found us, I have no experience with alcoholic loved ones going to rehab, but wanted to say I ADMIRE YOU for having the strength to protect yourself and your precious wee girl from living with alcoholism.



Be gentle on yourself: you are not stupid, and you see now.

tough love is tough LOL don't let the guilt grind you down.
:ghug

kj3880

His choices are what brought him to the place he is now. You did the right thing by putting him out. The sooner people stop supporting his drinking, the quicker he'll hit bottom and get serious about recovey. Don't feel guilty in the slightest, if you can help it. Take that energy and do something nice for your child and yourself! I am sure you both deserve it after all this nonsense he put you through.

KJ

GiveLove

Hi boo,

You are not throwing him under a bus.

He is throwing HIMSELF under a bus and you have decided that you and your daughter are not going to get dragged under it with him.

Are you responsible for his not finding a job? Are you forcing him to drink? Are you the one who's been parasitizing someone else?

I know you care about him but you've GOT to stop taking responsibility for things you didn't do. All you did was be a Mother, protecting your kid from a life like some of the kids described here.

I grew up with addicted parents who wouldn't leave each other because of "love." God bless women like you who say, "Enough. I care about you but you're NOT doing this to me or to my kid."

Hang in there, and please stick around and keep posting. There are a lot of good people here who will share all different kinds of stories and suggestions. You can take what you need and leave the rest.

Hugs,
gL

boocatgirl

Thank you everyone for your posts and words of encouragement. I don't feel strong, but thank you 'GiveLove' for confirming what I feel in my heart. I didn't want her growing up not knowing her father like I did. I am learning that there are worse things and I have to make her my first priority, no matter what.

My buzzed BabyDaddy chose to just show up tonight, and I let him have a shower and pick up some clothes... and then I sent him on his way.

A big shout out to Laurie6781 for reminding me that shelters exist. You should have seen his face when I suggested it. Pissed.

I was also informed that I don't understand that what I am asking isn't reasonable because we are past him not drinking... He HAS to drink or he will get the DTs and have to go to an ER to detox. (I really don't know much about this. To be honest, I didn't think he drank enough to get DTs).

I suggested that he just check himself in now and save himself the trauma. Especially since he let me know that "IF" they give him a rehab bed at the VA, they won't except him unless he tests clean for alcohol / substances. I'm sure there is more to this. but I only learn things in bits and pieces. The finale was being told that his drinking problem IS my problem too because I am his mate and I am supposed to be here for him.

I told him I can only support him when I see him supporting himself. Yeah, tough talking Tallulah here. It was hard to see him so low... but smelling the alcohol on him was a constant reminder to stay on course.

I really appreciate having a place to get rid of some of these twisted feelings... I feel so bottled up sometimes. I hope I can return the favor to you cats out there sometime.

Til then, I wish you all calm nights and easy sleep.

Boo

naive

boo-

i'm new here too. all i can say is that the two days i've been posting here are beginning to turn the tables. i recently feel that my concerns are valid and i'm not backing down this time. my ABF must have felt a change in my attitude, because he stopped drinking for the last two days. the first time in about a year. he's away drinking now though, and it's only 11am here.

it's painful to be here, dealing and learning, but there are too many stories that are all the same. it appears there is a pattern to the A.

being new like you, i am just starting to realize that there is no limit to the madness. it doesn't stop. it only gets worse, progressively. i support you in throwing him out. i would throw mine out, but it's his flat.

marie

SleepyCherie

Welcome I'm also new here and so glad to have this place to vent and contribute.

You know they say an addict needs to hit bottom before realizing they need to make some changes- you helped him do that. You have taken steps to give him a better shot at a future. Think less of it as tough love, and more of it as "Motivation for slightly delayed performance improvement". If he works the steps, he will understand, apologize for his actions, and thank you for yours!