angelinashoebox

Things at home were getting worse. I called crisis hotlines for help and he would unplug the phone.On my birthday I asked to please be sober for that day.Did not happen. I was so upset and worn out I tore up his birthday card.I threw it and he chased me up to a room and pushed me around after breaking down the door.he left. I went downstairs so upset and we argued and he tried to choke me and while doing so said " I could kill you if I wanted to". I hid It from my family and adult children.because they told me not to go back.I went to a shelter and told them.and the pollice. That was aug.I am scared alone and ashamed.I should of listened...I loved him he was sober before.I saw my kids more before this. I feel shunned. Starting to think maybe I should have kept my big mouth shut

Bernadette

People who abuse power win by getting you to keep your mouth shut!! Don't let them. Keep speaking the truth. Keep reaching out for help and new friendships!

I'm glad you're here and glad you protected yourself by going to the shelter and calling police. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!!!

Is there any counseling available to you at this time? Or can you get to an AlAnon meeting? It's free!

Sending you a prayer for strength and courage! :praying

peace,
b

TakingCharge999

you deserve better, angelina, hang in there. you are very brave. please try to seek as much help as possible during these times.
i am thinking about you.

prodigal

I am a former battered spouse. My first question is this: to whom should you have listened? And listened to what; to keep your mouth shut that your husband attempted to choke you and threatened you with murder?

Please understand that I am not trying to be harsh here. You have been through a terribly traumatic experience. Why do you think you are being shunned and who is shunning you?

Although you may think you should have kept your "big mouth" shut, if you had allowed this man to harm you further, he may have shut it for you himself. And permanently too.

Are you still at a shelter? How about work? Do you have a job? If not, can the shelter hook you up with job training or a job counseling service?

I want to better understand some of the details of your story.

And, once again, as a former battered spouse: DO NOT REGRET THAT YOU LEFT THIS MAN. I hope you have a restraining order. When someone so much as touches you in an "offensive manner" it is called assault. It is a felony offense.

MrsMagoo

You did the right thing. Have you been in the shelter since August or did this just happen? I'm glad you had the courage to leave - pat yourself on the back and don't worry about what everybody else thinks right now. Take care of you and do what the shelter staff advise - they are experts in this field.

Hugs and prayers sweetie!:ghug3

hopeangel

my thoughts and prayers are with you. you are braver than me honey and you have more courage than me. you can make it through this.

sad to say i've had the exact same things happen to me and i am still there in the same house.

i used to argue too and get upset with him - that just lead to the violence and abuse. i do not engage with him anymore. if he is drinking i leave him completely alone and do not speak with him.

that has lessoned/stopped the physical abuse, but the verbal/emotional continues.

please, be safe. love yourself. if you are a position to get completely away from him - do it. protect yourself. go back and regain the support and rebuild the relationship with your family,children, and friends. do not isolate yourself.

love yourself, there is a better life ahead of you!!!

angelinashoebox

My Adult children told me not to go back,I should have listened to them.I hardly see them anymore.I used to babysit my grandkids on occasion.There is a restraining order.I was too ashamed to tell anyone. He is a musician and I just found out He pled not guilty.because they want his dna and he wouldnt be able to cross the border for gigs.But they fired him for excessive drinking.It is going to trial.The constable who arrested him said the hospital report was very good. I drove myself to the hospital when it happened.I was too scared to do anything because his ex wife charged him and he got off many years ago. He used to tell me about it and said they ask you if it is so bad why do you stay? I have an anxiety disorder...." Who is going to listen to you".

Freedom1990

I am so sorry for your pain. My EXAH was a batterer too. Like you, I was ashamed and tried to hide it from my family. I truly believed that was what I deserved because he took every chance he could get to remind me of that.

I hope you are able to get some kind of counseling to help you process all your feelings! I had nightmares for years after I left my EXHA.

You are a child of God, worthy of respect, kindness, and love.

:ghug :ghug

catlovermi

Freedom, tell Angelina how you are TODAY, and what your life is like now, since you took action to change being the victim of an abuser. Show her the other side, where she could get, from your experience.

CLMI

angelinashoebox

thank you so much for sharing ....thinking I deserved it really hit a nerve.

Freedom1990

Angelina, I'll never forget the first time my EXAH hit me. He appeared to be very sorry for it, but as he was crying, he said "I've never hit a woman in my life."

That set the stage for me for 5 long years of that hell. I had low self-esteem problem as it was when I met him, and when he said that, I just knew something was wrong with me because he hadn't done that before.

I was a shell of a human being when I left him.

Today my life is so full! My youngest daughter is almost 21 now and living with me. She's working two jobs and paying on her second car.

I finally took the plunge and enrolled in college full-time! Imagine that! 50 years old and I am so excited about this phase of my life.

I haven't had a significant other in my life for many years now, and I have come to accept and love myself. I know today that I am worth so much more than I settled for all those years, and so are you!

:ghug :ghug :ghug

hopeangel

no one, absolutely no one deserves to be physically harmed.

i have been told more times than you know that i was the cause, but you know what, come to find out, he was abusive towards his last girlfriend before me and there is probably more that i don't know.

your ah was abusive prior to you also and i'd be willing to bet that most woman that suffer abuse are not the first either.

so the arguement that it was anyone's fault but the abuser's just doesn't hold water.

guarenteed that without intensive treatment and therapy they will continue to abuse after us also. the cycle will continue.

with that said - i think we have to own our part also. my ex fiance was also an abuser before me (he broke a woman's leg). he twisted my wrists one time -LUCKILY - i was still living at home and had my family to kick him out when i might not have had the strength myself o leave him.

point being that without intensive treatment and therapy of my own - i might also continue the cycle of getting involved with abusers because of my own issues.

also, you cannot rationalize with an alcoholic and knowing that my ah will become violent if i challenge him while drinking... i've learned to detach and protect myself by leaving him alone, not argue with him, not fight with him, and not interact with him while he is drinking.

be safe!!! it's taking me a long time to learn that i matter too and i am worthy of love.

coyote21

Heres an interesting website I ran across form here about dating losers...
Are You Dating a Loser? Identifying Losers, Controllers and Abusers in Relationships. Sorry, don't know how to hyperlink, damnit!

Um, I guess I do know how to hyperlink. Who knew I was so high tech!

Thanks and God bless us all, :praying
Coyote

NoelleR

Hey angelinashoebox ---

You've gotten a lot of great ES&H from the other ladies here...and BTW....WTG grrls; I'm raising a clenched fist for 'womyn power' here...!! (o:

One thing in one of your posts jumped out at me.....: "...I was too scared to do anything because his ex wife charged him and he got off many years ago. He used to tell me about it and said they ask you if it is so bad why do you stay? I have an anxiety disorder...." Who is going to listen to you"..."

I'm gonna guess it was your AH who was telling you that you'd be looked down upon (perhaps even thought of as 'asking for it') by folks in the judicial system.....ie: why did you stay?...or go back...? ....and as to the "Who is going to listen to you"......? Well, I for one am listening, and so are a whole lotta other folks here on SR....

BUT, a lot of changes have been going on in the judicial system as per spousal abuse, etc.....since your AH's ex wife charged him, and he got off (that probably wouldn't have happened today).Both the police and state's attorneys have been getting educated in this area; abusive spouses (cause we know it's not just the men who are abusive) are fast finding out that what they've been doing, thinking they'd just get away with it.....they always did in the past didn't they...? Well, times have changed, bubba! Abused spouses are no longer thought of as 'chattel' or 'property'; and folks are finally remembering that Lincoln freed the slaves, and men are finding out what it's like being the victim (in their new role with their new abusive 'spouse' in prison..... good-bye and good riddance to them...!!! (o:

You just keep your head up there, angelinashoebox....you da man, da (WO)man.....LOL


NoelleR

angelinashoebox

I am so grateful for all the encouragement and support from all of you.I have started counselling and not feeling so alone because of your responses.....
"courage doesn't have to be as loud as a roar .....simply rising the next day and trying again is enough.....unknown?"

GiveLove

Angelina, good job on the counseling!!! That helped me SO much. I am a completely different (and completely better!) person for having done that.

You are certainly not alone. A lot of us have been through bad stuff, and we understand.

You can become stronger and wiser and protect yourself from harm. And you can re-build relationships with your kids - they will be relieved and proud that you have stood up for yourself.

And what's more important: you will be proud of yourself.

We're here for you!

Pajarito

(((Angelina))) I am so glad to hear you are going to counseling- it's a positive, wonderful step. I'm also glad, too that you are here confiding in us. You are not alone or crazy. You deserve to be listened to with respect and compassion. Please keep taking care of yourself. I know first-hand how destructive abuse can be. You can heal, and repair the relationship you have with your kids. Please keep us informed of how you're doing.

angelinashoebox

The trial date was set for june 14.....Was told by a woman I talked to in my new place Oh it coulbnt have been that bad and she had worse things happen to her. I was becoming very guilt ridden and scared.She told me the defense attorney was going to rip me apart. Phoned victim services terrified. Met with the crown attorney and was told he would help me settle out of court...said because it was only me giving evidence and I wasnt physically hurt that bad it could be dissmimissed. I said I always only wanted him to get help. He was given probation.....I told my doctor he said I didnt...became depressed because I didnt have the backbone to testify...my other doc the pyciatrist changed my meds to help me get through this( Pristiq is the new drug I thought I was going to have a heart attack called 911 blood pressure went sky high
They said It could have been a number of things....All the years of mental verbal and physical abuse Its like it never happened because I was to ashamed to tell anyone... the crown asked why did you stay ? I have a mental disorder who was going to believe me His ex wife took him to court and he used to say to me there going to ask you why you stayed It couldnt have been that bad....and he had a good lawyer and it was dismissed .I went to the beer store bought 4 beers and drank them I started to lose it crying etc I got in my car which was unsafe to begin with and did the most irresponsible and unforgivable thing I drove my car the bad tire blew...I got into an accident and was charged with Dui shame shame on me I hit a stop sign. I am grateful I didnt hurt some one I am so remorseful I have screwed up bad I had a good driving record Now I will have to deal with the consiquences I have never been finger printed before or broke the law

angelinashoebox

I am an adult child of an alcoholic . I have letgo and let God . One day at a time . I will make it. God willing. Wish u all a Merry Christmas!

lillamy

Angelina -- I hope you're safe and that your life is better today. Merry Christmas to you, too!