Blondie

Went to see the counselor and I am glad I did. She specializes in co-dependency and alcoholism. She spoke frankly with me and I was 100% honest with her. She recommended that I keep going to al-anon and read Codependent No More again (bought another copy) and come back to her in a month as she believes that I will need to talk to her again at that time as STXAH will probably try to manipulate me back into line, which is what alcoholics do. That is what she kept saying - that's what alcoholics do. Finally it hit me. Yes, that's what alcoholics do and he is an alcoholic (been kind of denying that one too because he had all kinds of "proof" that he wasn't one). It finally sank in. I'm not crazy, I'm a co-dependent who is accepting really bad behavior and if I went back to him it would be like saying "OK, you can still treat me the way you were treating me, it's business as usual, your the boss of me." Except it will progress as it has for years. Yep, finally, the aha moment.

She spoke the truth, and much of it is what I heard here already, but it helps physically talking to someone who is right in front of me. She said marriage counseling would not do any good until he addresses his alcoholism and gets into a serious recovery program. She told me I needed to focus on myself and my own healing. Yes, I am a co-dependent. I really denied that for so long to myself, but it is obvious now. Sorry, guess I needed a neon sign. How can I be co-dependent, I'm just trying to be a good wife. No, I was being a caretaker and taking care of the alcoholic in my life and catering to him like he was some type of god.

I asked her point blank if anyone could live with an alcoholic and she said that there are some, but they live very, very seperate lives. Kind of not like marriage at all. This is something I've been doing for years and now I find that it is not enough. I have the need for companionship, a peaceful home, and to know that I can be myself in my own home and not worry about drama all the time if I have my own opinion. I need a normal, "boring" life. Boy, do I want a normal, "boring" life again like I used to have. I'm so tired of drama and centering every waking moment on what the alcoholic in my life did, how he's feeling, what is bothering him today, etc, etc, etc. I have needs too. Imagine that!

Needless to say, step one has not been easy for me, but it is a huge release to accept it. Step two was not so hard and because I believe in a higher power, I just haven't talked to him in a while and was kind of angry with him for making my life such a mess. But he didn't do that and he's been there all along.

brundle

Sounds like it went really well! I've been living one of those separate lives for years. I find it empty. We are so apart we don't even talk about stuff unless it's very surface. It's like: 'Hello, dear how was your day? How was work? What's new? Are the kids at work?' I can't think of many other questions we ask; so that's about it. We don't even watch TV in the same room! Don't go to bed at the same time. I wouldn't sleep in the same room if I didn't think it would cause a problem. He seems very happy as long as I say nothing about this and act happy about it and he can drink what he wants. He keeps himself pickled so I don't know what his needs are.

Sorry, getting off track. I'm so glad your finding what you need I follow your posts and have been hoping things go well for you Blondie.

CatsnDogs4Me

Thanks for the update, Blondie. It sounds like you've found yourself a great counselor. A lot of what you shared hits home for me, too. And, I'm right there with you being ready to get into a "normal" "boring" life. I just need to find the strength to take some actions on those thoughts. Thanks so much for sharing this with us, and I hope it helps you on your road to recovery.

Lilyflower

Blondie, this is so good to hear! She sounds like a wonderful counsellor and I am happy for you that you have accepted things. This was such a hard thing to do for me too and I found that once I did, it was so much easier to make those steps for me that I needed.

Plus I found that life without all the drama of addiction and codependency is far from boring at all! I love my normal single life, I am busy, happy, I have found meaning and there is so much depth to my life now that wasn't there before. Sure sometimes I think it would be nice to fall in love again and settle down, but I am less anxious about that too, which in itself is a big step forward for me.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Blondie

Thanks guys, I'm starting to feel much better. I think I made a half baked effort before and actually threw my Co-dependent No More and al-anon books away a few years ago thinking that "no, I'm not co-dependent, I'm just a caring person and if he only stopped drinking I would be fine." But after reading a few chapters in my new copy of Co-dependent No More and the counselor visit and a month at my new al-anon group I realize that I am so wrapped up in my STXAH that I just couldn't see it. I've read some of my post from the past and all I could talk about was my STXAH and his problems. Obsessed.

There is a chapter in Co-dependent No More that is on Detachment and not letting yourself be blown around like a leaf. I saw myself in there so clearly. The book says that if all you can think about or talk about is the other person including how they are feeling (but don't know your own feelings) then you are to attached and nobody can convince you otherwise. It's an addiction I suppose. All I could talk about was my STXAH. Good grief I was obsessed. Now that I'm aware of that FINALLY, I can start to change. Before this big ah-a moment the other night I was talking to him and explaining that he had a problem with alcohol (I'm still working on step one) and I got frustrated and so upset and cried, etc, but after the counselor visit and that book, I realized that I was hugely still attached and had not excepted Step one yet fully and that is why I got so wound up and upset. Heck, I have to write on my hand in neon the three C's.

I will get a new sponsor on Friday and keep working on those steps. To me they are instructions on how to recover.

Also, I borrowed a tape from my al-anon group and it is some lady explaining the 12 steps and her experience with them. She is so funny, but she also is so deep and sends the message home through her story. I didn't know al-anon had tapes until last week when this nice lady showed them to me. I like her and she is one that volunteers to sponsor. I am praying to my HP (God for me) to help me to pick a sponsor that can help me the most. I know he will.

GiveLove

You have come a long way, lady.

Congratulations :ghug3

JenT1968

sounds like a great appointment and some wonderfull insights: fabulous stuff.

Blondie

Thanks, it feels light a big weight has lifted. I'm having a good day, and actually am starting to look at my life more realistically. I know there will be good days and bad days - but that is normal for all humans. I no longer feel trapped and hopeless, but can see there is hope for a "normal" life. There are a lot of people in the world that are willing to help people like me, all I had to do was look. Now my Al anon group has done wonderful things for me so far. My new group has a welcome for newcomers and suggest to give al anon a fair chance for six meetings and recommends newcomers to try other meetings if they like because it is very important to find a meeting you are comfortable with. This is very good advice. Also, it helped A LOT, in my opinion, to find a counselor who is very familiar with co-dependency. There are a lot of great counselors out there, but for me, I NEEDED someone who was very knowledgeable about the problems of co-dependency. Now it is up to me to keep at it and do the work necessary. Thank you to al-anon and to the people here at SR for putting up with my endless sea of complaining and stubborness. What was once clear as mud is now clear as glass!