bearfeet

Hello All,

Just wanted to have a little rant in a safe place! I just called XA (43yrs old) as scheduled to see if he could help me out financially with our 1yr olds first little shoes as she's just started walking

Anyway it's almost 1pm here, I have been at work since 8am and up since 6.30am getting her ready for nursery and myself ready for work.

I was hoping he could help with with some shoe money (btw he pays nothing towards her as he got himself sacked but gets his money from his A fathers benefit payments) as her Nursery have said that she's the only tot now who can't spend time outside each day due to lack of suitable footwear, plus it's the end of a tight month for me with new car seat and stair gates and stuff needed to be bought.

So I nip out leaving it as late as I can to call and his phone is answered by his A father who I have clearly woken from a drunken slumber, he gruffly realises it's me and passes it to the Mother who carries it upstairs to A's bed all the while rambling general insults about me (Bi-polar and generally quite unpleasant woman) On the way to my XA's sleeping nest she trys to wake his Sister (Clinically depressed A with a sleeping pill addiction 45yrs old) who mumbles her indifference to being disturbed at such an hour.

I finally manage to speak to him and he is honestly making no sense whatsoever, it's like how I imagine somebody with a head injury might converse. I kept my cool and politely asked should I call later when he is awake, 'I am awake' he shouts and swears at me. I calmly put the phone down.

So I'm just ranting now. How an entire family can get by for so long with not an hour of gainful employment between them in years and no regard for absolutely anything other than their next drink.

It just makes me mad!!!!!!

What makes me madder is that I know once I've calmed and he has had a few drinks to make him 'normal' the anger will go and I'm in danger of starting back my old tricks to want 'wonderman' back.

How do I channel this anger positively? How to I use it to stop the cycle?

All answers gratefully recieved.............. Oh and I'm sorry if this post woke anybody up. ;-)

xcxcxcxcxcx

FlwrofFrgttng

I wish I had the answers to those same questions. Sorry I couldn't be of more help but I did just want to let you know that I read your post and totally empathize with you here.

bearfeet

Thanks FlwrofFrgttng, It helps just knowing someone understands, I need to keep a 'normal' face at work so can hardly share the madness with my colleagues.

It's alomost 2pm now and already I'm beginning to think 'I hope I didn't annoy him earlier....' What difference does it make? He still chooses to drink away his life, gives us no support of concern etc etc so what does it matter?

It's the age old idea that today he might get sober, become normal, meet some fan-tab-ulous woman and stop caring for me for good, that is all very very highly unlikely given his intake and circumstances (this is the thought that gets me through!)

I've answered my own worry there haven't I? Worried he'll stop caring? He already has stopped caring!

It's just that I still after all these months since he walked out don't believe he can't care when I'm still going in these mad circle! Admittedly i think I'm getting better at dealing with them but some days, like today, it's hard to tell!

Sorry for rant #2, I knew it was on it's way!

x

Brizzlegal

Hey Bearfeet, I don't know the answers to your questions... wish I did, I probably wouldn't be here on this board if I did. But do you really want your little one year old to grow up in this sort of atmosphere? An innocent little baby who can't go out because she has no shoes, whilst her father stays in bed til one in the afternoon after having spent more than the equivalent of a pair of shoes on booze. I'm speechless! Maybe this is how you break the cycle. I know exactly where you're coming from. I still think of the lovely times I had with my XAGF. I don't think the realisation of all the c*** I've had to put up with her has really hit home. When I look back I even consider that things weren't so bad when she was drinking. But HEY in reality things were awful. Give your baby a chance. Can't you get him to pay money through CSA?
Sorry if I sound a bit brutal but I really feel for you (and all of us) afflicted by this horrible disease. Strength to you xxx

bearfeet

I know it's shocking isn't it? It's like something from Victorian times. I absolutely do not want her to grow up with any such influences, but I think you're right, but when the realisation hits it just makes me angry and I know it's not long until I start to crave something nice and normal to happen from him if only just a crumb to take all the horror away. I know it's madness but all I can think of right now is anger and jealousy at his big nights out in clubs absolutely and genuinely unaware that it's not ok to not care about his daughter. I just want him to realise and put it right.

I have been in touch with the CSA (he already owes them thousands for his 16 yr old, same story.....) but he has been on the sick for the last 6 months so has no official income that they can deduct it from.

Brutality is good, I need brutality.

x

Brizzlegal

He sounds like no big deal. He's done the same before so why is a crumb of niceness worth anything from him? I know that when I was with my X full time I got to the stage when I was spending all my time with her I started to crave normality and when I was away from her I missed her like crazy. It's like I can't win with her. Even now I check my mobile virtually every minute just in case she has contacted me. It's madness!!
It's very easy to get caught up in the madness but for the sake of your baby take the nice thoughts from all the lovely people on here rather than hang around waiting for a nugget of kindness from him. I hope you get her shoes sorted! She's worth more than that IMHO and so are you.

Bernadette

hi bearfeet-

I don't mean any offense but the description of your ex's family was insanely comical-- it just kept getting worse with the drunk dad handing the phone to the bi-polar mom grumbling up the stairs and the SISTER and finally your ex in a sleep or drunk stupor!!!?? Sounds like a house of horrors!!

I know it is hard and I cried many many nights when my children were little because of the financial struggle I was always in - and their little feet grow so fast (I mean we want them to grow!!!) and in Boston that meant new shoes and boots every autumn - It was such a struggle.

My boys survived thanks to goodwill and good neighbors!! I know people say you shouldn't give a kid used shoes - because the previous owner's feet have altered the shape etc-- well OK but really kids wear shoes for such a short period of time- it wasn't ever a problem. My boys are 14 and 18 now and they have normal healthy feet and posture.

Plus I found a thrift shop in the swanky part of town and WOW I could not believe the brand new shoes & boots I would find there for few dollars. Wherever rich people donate their unwanted clothes is a good place to look!!!

Also here's an organization I just heard about on NPR--

Samaritan's Feet Nonprofit Ministry | Shoes for Children in Need

Check them out - apparently they want to shod a million needy feet!! Don't ever be ashamed or afraid to ask for specific help!

Hang in there --
peace,
b

bearfeet

Thanks Bernadette, It's my payday today so I'm taking her shopping tomorrow for her first real shoes and also a few more wardrobe items, I'll have to be careful not to go mad(!) but I'm trying to think like this-

An average Saturday when A was with us would be me up at 7, Shhshing at Baby and trying to keep her quietly occupied (impossible anyone that has experience of a 1yr old may know) so she doesn't wake him, then him surfacing at maybe 2, being on my best behaviour making him some lunch and running his bath, pleading to go to the shops, him being very grumpy about it then roaring about the parking, traffic etc, him sitting in the car whilst we ran around quickly and then him dropping us home by 4 to make the horse race at the Bookmakers and then back to the pub.

Now tomorrow we will be up at 7 enjoying the spring sunshine, DD can make as much noise as she wants giggling and singing at the top of her voice! We will walk to the shops early, have some lunch get some shoes and I'm also getting some bits and pieces for her room and the house. Get home when we like, have my friend to visit for takeaway tea, and when I go to bed it'll be without fear of anyone coming in and acting dangerously or not coming in at all.

It's our money to spend, our weekend to shout and sing, our sunshine to enjoy and our peace of mind and calm to live in. If I had to wait a week for shoes it was worth it because his 'help' wouldn't really have 'helped' at all.

Someone is looking out for me and her, I'm sure of it now.

x

HoopNinja

I am a big fan of craigslist. I sell and buy from it and every single time I have run into people who not only gave me what I bought at a fraction of what I would pay at the store--often when I picked it up they would say "Do you need any. . ." and I often said no, I only have the money for what I bought--then they would say they were going to just take it to Goodwill--just take it. I try to pass the same karma along when I sell stuff. If your area has a craigs give it a try. Also, lots of people in those swanky areas sell on craigslist because they just want it out of the house and it is easier to sell all of it in one big lot and have someone come over and take it than to have to drag it to Goodwill themselves. Many things are new because they are gifts that people never returned and the plus side is you can see it before you buy it--unlike some other online places. I am a big craigslist fan.

Bernadette

Now tomorrow we will be up at 7 enjoying the spring sunshine, DD can make as much noise as she wants giggling and singing at the top of her voice! We will walk to the shops early, have some lunch get some shoes and I'm also getting some bits and pieces for her room and the house. Get home when we like, have my friend to visit for takeaway tea, and when I go to bed it'll be without fear of anyone coming in and acting dangerously or not coming in at all.

HEAVEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sounds perfectly lovely and memorable....enjoy your day!!
peace,
b

GiveLove

Bearfeet, you're doing great.

I wouldn't channel your anger into anything. I'd leave it lie on the kitchen table so you have to see it every day when you wake up. You need to know that you dodged a huge bullet - for yourself and for your daughter - by getting yourself as far away as possible from that lazy, sick, comical, worthless family.

I look forward to the day when, truly, you come here and say, "I am so glad I would never let that touch me again."

Let us know what kind of shoes Baby gets....I'm into cool baby footwear

bearfeet

Thank you all, Givelove, I look forward to that day too. It's so encouraging to know that you are thinking of me.

Well we picked some red leather round toe strapover shoes with little cut out flower detail. They are gorgeous. if they'd had a grown up version I would have gotten a pair myself. She loves them and they stayed on for the entire day.

Her walking is coming on loads now too (aided by her pretty shoes I'm sure!) on Sunday she managed to walk alone from one side of my dining room to the other completely on her own. Hilarious really because she looks like a tiny version of her Dad trying to navigate himself drunk because she's still quite unsteady. However her unsteadiness is entirely down to non alcoholic reasons.

The determined look on her little face and brow furrowed in concentration brought tears of happiness to my eyes. If a little tiny person, who's never had to do anything unaided can have the courage, determination and fearlessness to walk across a vast space alone, then surely the lesson here is that her big grown up mother should be able to do that too.



x

JenT1968

THANKYOU!!!!

I was having a moment this morning (not a big one, but a wobble) because AH is sad and confused that I don't want to live with him, and I don't like to see anyone sad and confused.

but what you have described just there is what I want: I don't want to have to defend my 5 year old for being 5 constantly because H wants to sleep, be miserable.

this has helped me so much...

thankyou for being such a wonderful example to me and enjoying your life.

oohhhh, and do you freecycle? there are often baby clothes shoes on there because kids grow out of stuff so quick (plus

GiveLove

Your post made my day, bearfeet!!! :ghug3