sobrsstr

I am sort of struggling with the difference between detaching versus cutting off my alcoholic sister. She lives in another state and I have not heard from her for about a month. She was trying to not drink since July, but not in any program due to her refusal and relapsing regularly. The last phone call was a drunk message welcoming me back from vacation crying and screaming at me stating I need to leave her alone and stay out of her life. The lack of contact is probably so that she doesn't have to apologize for the drunk message. Even when she isn't drunk she is draining because she calls multiple times a day and only talks about herself and her problems and is hostile toward me and my "perfect life".

It has been a peaceful month once I settled down from her ranting message and today I see a missed call from her...which means that she will be calling again. I really don't want to even talk to her, but at the same time I feel guilty if I cut her off because she is so toxic that no one else wants her in their life and she is my only sister.

Freedom1990

Let's put the guilt back where it belongs, with her, and not you.

It certainly sounds like everyone else made it clear how they will and won't be treated, even on the phone, no?

Communicating with toxic people serves no purpose in my life, and that includes communicating with my oldest daughter who's an active addict/alcoholic.

Chrysalis123

Welcome Sobrsstr. There are some stickies at the top of this forum that I found helpful. Have you tried Alanon? Lots of people find it helpful.

GiveLove

Hi sobrsster,

I used to dread those phone calls from my sister too. I never knew if she'd be sober, and she almost never was when she called. And if she DID call she always wanted something: her drunken mind was feeling guilty, or angry, or something, and she was just calling to get it out of her system.

I learned to just not pick up. I'd listen to her messages and if she was sober, I'd return her call. If she was drunk, I'd delete it and get on with my life.

You and your family have set healthy boundaries for yourself. It can be really hard to keep them intact though, I know

GL

sailorjohn

I used similar excuses-and she used them on me-to stay in a very toxic relationship for a very long time, I was the only sober person in her life, indeed I was. I'm not healthy enough to get a safe distance away, for me, detachment has to mean no contact-period.

My thoughts go out to you.

sobrsstr

Thanks everyone for the words of support and experience. Its hard making the decision to do what feels better for you, and not listening to the voice in your head that says...what she did this time isn't as bad as what she has done in the past and it will be confusing if you drop her now for her behavior when in the past you have not. I am going to try to remind myself that I need to do what is best for me (and my 1st baby that I am expecting in 10 wks) and disengage from her.

GiveLove

Maybe it's the fact that you're looking at this as "dropping her."

I never dropped my sister. When she was sober, I was there for her, reminding her how much she was loved, and telling her I hoped she could stay sober because I wasn't willing to talk to her drunk any more. When she was drunk, well, she got to talk to my voicemail.

Sadly, the sober times became less and less until they finally ceased altogether. I miss her, but I have no residual guilt about it --- she always knew how I felt and it was always her choice. It's your sister's choice too.

Hang in there --

CAPTAINZING2000

Not sure if, I've distanced my self from some family members, or they've distanced themselves from me.

I just know, their lifestyles still inolve drinking. I'll still attend the family functions, make small talk and once, family members are becoming intoxicated, I beat a hasty retreat.


Do what you have to do for your sanity. Say a prayer for her that, she hits a bottom and makes an ernest attmept at getting sober.

justjo

Hi sobrsstr
Your post put tears in my eyes. That is my story too word for word.
It was always about her and how I had the perfect life and the family favourite. The old guilt trip so I would help her out.
I still love my sister very much and it kills me knowing her addiction has destroyed her. Letting go of her was the hardest thing for me, but my sanity in the end had to come first.
These days she calls drunk once a month if that. Depending on the emotional gravity of the conversation I usually listen for a while and then cut it short. I always tell her I love her at the end.
I couldnt just cut her off completely, she knows I will be there if she ever needs a ride to rehab or to go to the doctor and she also knows I will never pay her bills or accept abuse again.
I hope one day both our sisters see that life is worth living.
Hugs JJ