Glenna9802

Today I spent 7 hours straight focused on AH and his alcoholism. Not only could I have spent those 7 hours doing something else, but I was 2 hours late for work because of it. Here's the rundown:

We left the house at noon to take AH to an AA meeting so he could attend and get his paper signed. My 2-year-old and I waited in the car for him because she was making too much noise inside the room.

We then stopped at the gas station for gas, where AH went inside and paid for the gas and bought 2 beers.

After that, we went to the courthouse so he could sign up for community service as a condition of probation for his DUI.

Then, we went to his cell phone company because he had to obtain records proving his phone was out a few months back when probation called him to take a random drug test.

I was then dropping him off at work, which coincidentally is right next to a liquor store, which he stopped at before going into work, when a call came in from probation that his last drug test came back "abnormal," and that he had to immediately come in for another drug test right away or there would be a warrant for his arrest.

So we went over to probation, then over to get him the drug test. It turns out that his last test came back as "abnormal" because of a high pH level, which is as a result of his liver and kidneys being messed up due to...you guessed it...alcoholism.

By this time our daughter was cranky and tired and so was I, not to mention pis**d off because I was late to work. As I drove him back to work, I told him that basically his alcoholism had taken up an entire day, and that sometimes the effects of alcohol were immediate (puking in bed, ruining special events, etc.) and sometimes they were farther reaching like they were today.

Of course, this was lost on him. What a shock!

Barbara52

What is it you get out of enabling his behaviors? How much of your time are you willing to throw away on a man who obviously is not interested in sobriety?

Tarheel

Glenna,

Why did you do all of those things?

TH

LaTeeDa

Yes, you could have. You chose not to. So, at the risk of sounding like my counselor, what did you learn today?

L

laurie6781

And at the risk of sounding like Dr. Phil:

How's this working for you?

He is an ADULT. How he gets to work is NOT your problem. How he gets to an AA meeting is NOT your problem.

How long are you going to continue to ENABLE his 'cozy' life style?

There is HELP for you and the children if he is not in the house.

I'm going to stop now.

Love and hugs,

Glenna9802

I totally hear all of you. I don't think I would have given today another thought had I not been going to Al-Anon for the last week and a half. It would have been just another normal day as the spouse of an alcoholic. But today I looked at it differently and was angry instead of just resigned to it. So it's not good that I did it...but maybe a touch of progress that I resented it.

However...the day was not without its upside. I just got off the phone right now with the lady I wrote about the other day who I met at the "dual" meeting (AA and Al-Anon). We talked for about 45 minutes, and I got up the nerve to ask her to be my sponsor. It turns out that she is a licensed therapist/social worker. Do I know how to pick 'em or what? Anyway, I said she didn't have to answer me right away, and she said call her back in a couple of days and we will talk about it some more.

Ago

I am not sure what he "did wrong"

He had a chauffeur drive him around all day long to the liquor store, his court ordered AA meeting, and run all his errands while he drank and had his every need met.

You however, wasted an entire day, and then got mad at him to boot.

As long as you keep giving, he will keep taking.

I call my sister "The Black Hole of Suck" (after Black Holes in space, they have a gravitational pull so strong that even light disappears in them)

My mother has "Co'd" her for twenty five years, she is literally murdering my sister, yet she gets angry my sister doesn't get off her a$$.

Why should she? everything is paid for, she gets rescued, she gets dinner cooked for her....why should she EVER lift a finger for herself?

I just don't understand why you are angry with him. He's just doing what alcoholics do. None of this is new or surprising information.

For me, I had to learn to say "No" and ultimately I had to walk away.

What will you do tomorrow when this hamster wheel starts again?

The same thing and then get angry at him? Or say "No, I am going to take care myself today"

I was TREMBLING I shook like a leaf the first time I said "No" to my sister, but each time after that it got easier

Try it.....let it roll around your lips...

Get your own ride, I have to take care of myself, and my daughter

People in AA give other people in AA rides if they are serious about getting sober.

The choice is yours, but it's up to you to realize first, that you have a choice, second, to act on it.

I know it's hard, but it gets easier, I promise, it did for me.

laurie6781

Good. I am glad that maybe this day has been a real EYE OPENER for you Glenna, lol No I am not laughing at you, just laughing at the wya things work.

You keep posting sweetie, nothing I say is meant to be mean, just to 'shake you up' a bit. Hopefully, you are starting to see what we see, and the reason we see it ................................ well, we have been where you are now.

Now I don't know about anyone else on here, but I know my 'codie' side does come out, and if I can gete someone to see 'sooner than I did' so they don't have to go through everything I did, I guess that is a part of my codie side that is not too bad, lol.

I am glad you are looking for a sponsor and have maybe found one. She will be a TREMENDOUS help in you learning how to change you.

Love and hugs,

Glenna9802

You are right, Ago, I should be mad at ME.

The word "no" is so unfamiliar to me when it comes to EVERYTHING.

I set the tiniest of boundaries so it's easy to keep them, but I'm a chicken when it comes to the big stuff. I hope to change that as I learn more and grow more and get healthier. I am willing to do the work.

And yes, I should be mad at myself ANY time I drive him someplace, because the reason he can't drive is because of his DUI, so that makes me an enabler every single day. That really stinks!!

prodigal

Thank you for being so candid and willing to hear what is being said. Glenna, nobody is expecting you to move mountains. But the stuff you are doing for him, is not upsetting him in the least. But it IS upsetting you.

Only you can choose to quit chauffering his butt around. Regardless of whether or not you're driving in his direction, to his side of town ... whatever. He is appeasing the powers-that-be by showing up at meetings and doing what he needs to do to keep the law off his back.

I realize how difficult that first "no way" can be. But give it a try. Let him slam drawers, doors, whatever. If he starts punching holes in stuff, call the police. I went through this myself five years ago.

The first time I said "no" was met with a tantrum. Now "no" is a not needed. Being brave is doing what is right in the face of fear. He is manipulating you. If he wants to blow smoke up the wazoo of the legal system and turn around and buy booze, let him.

Tell him to call a cab. Seriously. Invest your time in something constructive for your recovery. Your AH is apparently not the least bit sincere about his.

Pelican

I'm sorry to see you had a tough day. You seem to be making progress and are seeing things differently now.

One of my boundaries with AH was no open containers of alcohol in the car, even if I am the one driving. I did not want the legal system on me for his misbehavior should we get pulled over.

Please be careful of his drinking in the car while you are driving.

Glenna9802

You're right, Pelican, it happens all the time. I have been too afraid to say anything, but not anymore. That is a boundary I can set right now!!