CAPTAINZING2000

I'd have a good divorce attorney on speed dial.

Sounds to me like your hubby wants his cake and eat it to by, having a g/f and a wife

Blondie

That's is one thing I'm worried about in marriage counseling. A counselor that doesn't get the alcoholic thing and suggests date nights or more talking (his idea is that he talks and I listen). At this point I can't stand the sight of him and all he talks about is his friends at the bar and text the OW whenever he can. What the heck would be the point of spending more time with an active alcoholic? Are there any marriage counselors that get that an active alcoholic has to address the alcoholism before the marriage can be worked on?

Blondie

Thanks Captainzing 2000, I always enjoy reading your input. As a matter of fact I did see an attorney last month and have him programmed into my cell phone.

Blondie

Yup, have his cake and eat it too. Not anymore, now he is starting to do his own housework. Maybe he can get the OW to clean his toilet and feed him. They have a lot in common as she likes to drink a lot too and ride on his motorcycle.

CAPTAINZING2000

Are you financially able to be on your own?

Chrysalis123

((((Blondie)))) I went through something similar to what you are going through and the word "devastation" would have been an understatement for me. But you know what I see in you? The determination to make your life your life, and to make it emotionally healthy.

I am 8 months post divorce and I am doing so much better than I was even 1 year ago. I too attend alanon, IC, and a support group that is working through the 12 steps. I am rebuilding my life step by step and so are you.

Maybe your counselor that specializes in co-dependency can recommend a marriage counselor versed in addiction issues. Asking around the Alanon room might turn up some leads as well.

brundle

I do have a lawyer too. My AH does not know that. I thought you should know that. There are counselors who specialize in addictions (we where going to one); but they can't help if your husband isn't being honest or not working on the real problems.

That's how it was in my case. It was all I could do but scream because I felt he was just shoveling the BS in or talking about stuff that was so minor compared to the really big problems. That's why I quit. I felt it was like a form of quacking, but on a grand scale.:wtf2

Blondie

I am finacially OK, I'm now living with my mother and can finally get a job (long story there).

I see no point going to marriage counseling as the REAL issue is not being addressed anyway.

It will be so strange to be single again, but I'm not afraid to be alone. I didn't get married until I was 28 and actually enjoyed my time with other people and my time alone. I'm starting to feel that way again.

I'm glad, really glad when I see people that have been happily married for years. I just know that it wasnt' possible in my marriage because we were two immature unhealthy people trying to make it work - and that is impossible. I also know that if I did start dating (not likely) I would probably end up in the same boat if I did not address my issues.

CAPTAINZING2000

If, your husband wasn't seeing another woman and was addressing his drinking problems, most issues can be resolved with communication, compromise, and understanding.


Not sure how, you would ever be able to trust and respect your husband for the way he's treated you.

Blondie

Well, it's like he's a whole other person, not the one I married who was moral and understanding. Now he is the opposite and is proud of it and proud of all the women that are paying attention to him at the bar (probably buys them drinks knowing him, thus the $12,000 spent at the bar last year, no lie, $12,000). No I don't think I could trust him again, it would always be in the back of my mind.

If I met him today, I wouldn't even date him or talk to him. I suppose he wouldn't talk to me either because I don't drink and I hate bars (boring), but like sporting events.

CAPTAINZING2000

I've been told and from my own experience alcoholism, does progress.

It seems, he's trying to relieve himself from fault of the marriage going bad.

Move on with your life and work on you.

Blondie

Thanks CaptainZing2000, that is what I intend to do. I can only help and change me and he has the choice too. To bad he did not take it as I know he will get worse and worse. But it would be like staying with a sinking ship. What is the point, the ship will sink with or without me, it is my choice to get off before it is completely submerged.

CAPTAINZING2000

A lot of guys would like to have a wife and g/f. Might be a few woman like that as well but, that's not what marriage is about.

He can use the 12 grand he's blowing in the bar and spend it on child support

Blondie

I don't understand why people would get married and stay married if they had an bf or gf on the side. One relationship is going to suffer. Marriage takes a lot of sacrifice and effort, but it is a joy to give to the other person if the marriage is balanced because at the same time one is giving, the other person is giving too. I think that is a major problem in alcoholic marriages, the too much giving on one part and too much taking on the other end. One spouse is always left with nothing but an empty feeling.

SailorKaren

I have been through tons of therapy, both individual and as couples. My sense is that they are different animals, so to speak, from the ethical perspective of the counselor or therapist. In a couples session, the counselor is ethically bound to do what is best for both parties (hippocratic oath: first do no harm). If they spend more than a few sessions with each partner alone, they risk the "neutrality" if you will, needed to do what is best for both partners and the marriage. In my case, my partner quit going, but I was still getting a lot out of the sessions, so my counselor suggested that we see each other on an individual basis. She explained that she would be happy to see me that way, but in doing so, she would no longer be able to see us together as a couple. That's because as an individual's therapist, she was ethically bound to hold my best interest first, and that could potentially work against the best interests of my partner or the marriage. I don't think she ethically could have been my partner's individual counselor at that point either, but I could be wrong about that.

In our several sessions together, we were asked more than once what it was that we wanted to have happen through therapy, and once it became clear that the marriage was over no matter what was said, the need for marriage counseling was over.

I was unceremoniously dumped without warning by my last partner, but if counseling had been suggested as a way to salvage things first, I would have accepted it immediately. Couples counseling provides a place where a skillful and neutral 3rd person will insure that each party has a chance to communicate and explore feelings without being silenced or invalidated by the other. A skilled counselor will notice when one party is being shamed into silence, or intimidated, or being a bully, or denying feelings, lying, etc. He/she will try to bring these things into the open in a healthy way, by modeling good listening and interpersonal skills, and suggesting individual therapy if required.

For you in your situation, couples therapy might serve you as your last, best attempt to get through to your husband, the depths of your hurt and disappointment at how his drinking and GF have deeply affected you to the point of leaving. The skill of the counselor will insure that he really gets the message. What he does with it will be out of both of your hands at that point. But if you know right now that it is over for both of you no matter what, then couples sessions are probably a waste of time. Individual sessions however, could be very helpful for you. Ethically speaking, I think having you attend one of your husband's individual sessions would be a step entertained by his therapist as potentially helpful to your husband, but only when done as an invitation from them.

I am so sorry you're having to go through all this. I have been there, and it's really hard to have one's hopes and dreams come to an end like this. Please keep posting and let us know how we can help.

MeHandle

A girlfriend.... marriage counseling is pointless.

Still drinking... marriage counseling is pointless.