Would you have divorced them any?
Psalm 118:24
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Would you have divorced them any?
I was curious, if your spouse didn't have a drinking and or, a drug problem, would your marriage have survived?
I played my part by drinking too much. My ex was struggling with her sexuality and at that time and still to this day being bipolar
Even if, I hadn't of drank, my ex was still having issues with her being bisexual.
Anyone, get divorced and get back together? I wouldn't want to with my ex but, it sure would be nice to hear from you that, have resolved issues and got back together
I played my part by drinking too much. My ex was struggling with her sexuality and at that time and still to this day being bipolar
Even if, I hadn't of drank, my ex was still having issues with her being bisexual.
Anyone, get divorced and get back together? I wouldn't want to with my ex but, it sure would be nice to hear from you that, have resolved issues and got back together
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
No mine would not have survived. I am not willing to attribute all of xAH's problems to his alcholism. Yes, that was part of the deal breakers but his willfull unemployment, his verbal abuse of his daughters, and other traits/behaviors would have eventually led to divorce anyway. Looking back, I can see it was a marriage that should not have taken place. But at least it led me to look at myself and what my issues are that led me into that unfortunate marriage. I am glad it was only 5 yrs.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Not the relationship that got me here.
Her drinking had nothing to do with our separating, it was all the behaviors that go with alcoholism. She was a "periodic" so her drinking rarely actually "impacted" us, but her "behaviors" affected me daily.
Remembering the insanity of that relationship helps me greet each day now with attitude of gratitude.
The only other relationship I had with an alcoholic (long term) she was sober the entire time I knew her (15 years now) and we separated for logistical reasons (mainly I moved) and that relationship was the one I finally "grew up" in, not "tried" but was actually a grown up that communicated as such, that relationship also taught me what was attractive about recovering alcoholics so that's what I try to bring to my relationship today on a daily basis.
"Word on the street" (from my GF) is that I'm succeeding beyond anything she has ever seen in her life, and that by listening and paying attention we have already navigated some fairly difficult situations that ultimately brought us closer together, rather then tore us apart.
I learned that listening, and then being vulnerable and stating my truth is a much more effective tool for communication then "fighting" and "arguing" and that's what I try to bring to the table every day.
The ability to listen....I mean REALLY listen. To good things and bad.
She is always absolutely blown away when I bring something up that she has said in the past when it's pertinent to the conversation we are having.
She is like "OhmaGawd!!!! (one word, she's southern can ya tell? it's adorable), you actually listen, I mean really listen, you actually pay attention and "see" me, and "hear" what I say"
Apparently it's not overrated this thing...listening.
So my point is, although my relationships in the past maybe ended, but they all were important to getting to where I am today.
Her drinking had nothing to do with our separating, it was all the behaviors that go with alcoholism. She was a "periodic" so her drinking rarely actually "impacted" us, but her "behaviors" affected me daily.
Remembering the insanity of that relationship helps me greet each day now with attitude of gratitude.
The only other relationship I had with an alcoholic (long term) she was sober the entire time I knew her (15 years now) and we separated for logistical reasons (mainly I moved) and that relationship was the one I finally "grew up" in, not "tried" but was actually a grown up that communicated as such, that relationship also taught me what was attractive about recovering alcoholics so that's what I try to bring to my relationship today on a daily basis.
"Word on the street" (from my GF) is that I'm succeeding beyond anything she has ever seen in her life, and that by listening and paying attention we have already navigated some fairly difficult situations that ultimately brought us closer together, rather then tore us apart.
I learned that listening, and then being vulnerable and stating my truth is a much more effective tool for communication then "fighting" and "arguing" and that's what I try to bring to the table every day.
The ability to listen....I mean REALLY listen. To good things and bad.
She is always absolutely blown away when I bring something up that she has said in the past when it's pertinent to the conversation we are having.
She is like "OhmaGawd!!!! (one word, she's southern can ya tell? it's adorable), you actually listen, I mean really listen, you actually pay attention and "see" me, and "hear" what I say"
Apparently it's not overrated this thing...listening.
So my point is, although my relationships in the past maybe ended, but they all were important to getting to where I am today.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
I'm hoping to get away from AH at some point. I have to say that I think even without the drinking at this point it wouldn't work. I also deal with pot use and porn. If they where gone I still don't think I would even like him as a person any more.
He is the kind of guy who was one way before I married him and turned into something else after. So I really don't think what I fell in love with ever really existed. Or maybe because he was in recovery at the time that was who he wanted to be and then he reverted back to the addict who is the person I just hate. No, that's not right either, because he was such a jerk if I hadn't gotten really sick (like bedridden) 6 months after we where married I would have left him for being mean... It's all too much to figure out.
But if given the chance again with the truth about my AH and who he really is (and even was back then) I wouldn't have touched him with a ten foot pole let alone marry him.
Some people should just come with a warning label!!!
He is the kind of guy who was one way before I married him and turned into something else after. So I really don't think what I fell in love with ever really existed. Or maybe because he was in recovery at the time that was who he wanted to be and then he reverted back to the addict who is the person I just hate. No, that's not right either, because he was such a jerk if I hadn't gotten really sick (like bedridden) 6 months after we where married I would have left him for being mean... It's all too much to figure out.
But if given the chance again with the truth about my AH and who he really is (and even was back then) I wouldn't have touched him with a ten foot pole let alone marry him.
Some people should just come with a warning label!!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 56
Great thread, captain. I am curious too.
I'd like to think we could have survived, but it would have taken the skills I now have in recovery or some very hard work to get past his ACOA issues and my own family of origin issues.
I'd like to think we could have survived, but it would have taken the skills I now have in recovery or some very hard work to get past his ACOA issues and my own family of origin issues.
Psalm 118:24
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
I thought, I just had a drinking problem. I found out, I had a living problem as well.
It's about treating the other person with respect. Love, trust and respect. hard to have a good relationship without having these 3 key ingredients
It's about treating the other person with respect. Love, trust and respect. hard to have a good relationship without having these 3 key ingredients
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
Had I paid attention to my rational feelings and not my emotions I don't think I would have married him. There were signs of alcoholism there--but there were many other things too. So although we are not divorced yet--our marriage would not survive even if he would get treatment. I have lost respect for him for behaviors that have taken place when he is drunk and when he is not.
I know I am not perfect--but the difference between him and me is that I am working really hard to change the things about me that are not healthy. The healthier I get, the more apparent it becomes how unhealthy our marriage is.
I know I am not perfect--but the difference between him and me is that I am working really hard to change the things about me that are not healthy. The healthier I get, the more apparent it becomes how unhealthy our marriage is.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hertfordshire, UK
Posts: 111
Would my relationship with my AXGF survived if she didn't have a drinking problem? If you'd asked me this question a couple of years ago, soon after we split up, I'd have said "Yes, absolutely". These days... Honestly, I don't know. A large part of my uncertainty is that I have no idea who she is long-term sober. I've never seen her sober for longer than a few months. My gut feeling is that whatever it was that made drinking so attractive to her 20-odd years ago is still festering away inside her and she will need to deal with that before she'll ever be capable of a successful relationship.
So that's my best guess about her. For my part, I've grown so much as a person over the last couple of years that I suspect the person I was when I was with her probably wasn't capable of a successful long-term relationship either. I wasn't good enough at trusting my own feelings, expressing what I needed or maintaining boundaries in a healthy way. Sure, it's quite likely the relationship would've lurched on for years with resentments building on both sides, and us both sticking together because neither of us had the guts or the self-awareness to ask for what we wanted but neither of us happy. Or, maybe looked at more optimistically, I might've "seen the light" and worked to resolve my own issues within the relationship. But somehow I doubt it.
I was raised a codie and passive-aggressiveness, "he/she should..." thoughts, and martyrdom are habitual responses for me. I continue to work hard at stopping those bad habits and to learn new, healthier ones. I might've had both the impetus and opportunity to want to learn these better habits while in a relationship but I never did. It took my relationship with my AXGF to appreciate how my own behaviours need work irrespective of how many units of alcohol she drank in a given day, week or year.
Mr B.
So that's my best guess about her. For my part, I've grown so much as a person over the last couple of years that I suspect the person I was when I was with her probably wasn't capable of a successful long-term relationship either. I wasn't good enough at trusting my own feelings, expressing what I needed or maintaining boundaries in a healthy way. Sure, it's quite likely the relationship would've lurched on for years with resentments building on both sides, and us both sticking together because neither of us had the guts or the self-awareness to ask for what we wanted but neither of us happy. Or, maybe looked at more optimistically, I might've "seen the light" and worked to resolve my own issues within the relationship. But somehow I doubt it.
I was raised a codie and passive-aggressiveness, "he/she should..." thoughts, and martyrdom are habitual responses for me. I continue to work hard at stopping those bad habits and to learn new, healthier ones. I might've had both the impetus and opportunity to want to learn these better habits while in a relationship but I never did. It took my relationship with my AXGF to appreciate how my own behaviours need work irrespective of how many units of alcohol she drank in a given day, week or year.
Mr B.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
My H is a very good actor. I feel like he invented a personality to hide his addiction in. He does not want anyone to know he uses and as far as I can tell has never had using buddies cause he does not want to share his dope with anyone which is why he chooses straight people to hang out with and live with.
I feel very angry with myself for not seeing thru him and even angrier for after I knew the facts still I continued to stay with him. I do not think I will ever want to go back to him after all the stuff I have been thru with him...
I feel very angry with myself for not seeing thru him and even angrier for after I knew the facts still I continued to stay with him. I do not think I will ever want to go back to him after all the stuff I have been thru with him...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
My ex was and can be a kind, considerate, great guy when he is sober. The problem is that alcoholism is progressive. Over 20 years he went from a great guy who had one or two beers at night to 18 beers a night. At this point alcohol consumes 90% of his daily life. The last few years of our marriage he spent every day consumed with:
1.what time he could begin drinking (figuring out how to get out of working so he could drink earlier)
2. ensuring that everything in our household (money, schedules, attitudes) were conducive to his ism
3.harassing, manipulating and badgering anyone who dared interfere with no's 1 and 2 (mostly me)
Our marriage might have had a chance if he had seriously tried recovery years ago but I was done and planning my exit long time ago.
1.what time he could begin drinking (figuring out how to get out of working so he could drink earlier)
2. ensuring that everything in our household (money, schedules, attitudes) were conducive to his ism
3.harassing, manipulating and badgering anyone who dared interfere with no's 1 and 2 (mostly me)
Our marriage might have had a chance if he had seriously tried recovery years ago but I was done and planning my exit long time ago.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,237
The only way my marriage of 25 yrs.
could have possibly survived if the
rest of the family worked some sort
of program like I was.
Of course where is it for me to take
their injventory. Maybe they didnt
need one.
All i could do was take care of me
and I did and I changed. The family
thought since I didnt have a desire
to drink any longer then I was cured.
Move on with my life and be happy
and forget about the past. Forget
the childhood physical and verbal
abuse. It's over. Get over it.
The affects of what happened to me
made me who i had become. AA has
helped me get pass many of those
character defects.
However.....my marriage may have
been doomed from the very start.
My HP had the plan for me from the
start, so whatever has happened
to me up until now has been His Will
for me.
My journey has led me to another gift
in recovery. A new marriage with total
honesty to start.
Things in the past had to happen to
get me to where I am today.
HAPPY JOYOUS AND FREE.
Thanks for letting me share.
could have possibly survived if the
rest of the family worked some sort
of program like I was.
Of course where is it for me to take
their injventory. Maybe they didnt
need one.
All i could do was take care of me
and I did and I changed. The family
thought since I didnt have a desire
to drink any longer then I was cured.
Move on with my life and be happy
and forget about the past. Forget
the childhood physical and verbal
abuse. It's over. Get over it.
The affects of what happened to me
made me who i had become. AA has
helped me get pass many of those
character defects.
However.....my marriage may have
been doomed from the very start.
My HP had the plan for me from the
start, so whatever has happened
to me up until now has been His Will
for me.
My journey has led me to another gift
in recovery. A new marriage with total
honesty to start.
Things in the past had to happen to
get me to where I am today.
HAPPY JOYOUS AND FREE.
Thanks for letting me share.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
Originally Posted by Wife2Kids 
Had I paid attention to my rational feelings and not my emotions I don't think I would have married him. There were signs of alcoholism there--but there were many other things too. So although we are not divorced yet--our marriage would not survive even if he would get treatment. I have lost respect for him for behaviors that have taken place when he is drunk and when he is not.
I know I am not perfect--but the difference between him and me is that I am working really hard to change the things about me that are not healthy. The healthier I get, the more apparent it becomes how unhealthy our marriage is.
I know I am not perfect--but the difference between him and me is that I am working really hard to change the things about me that are not healthy. The healthier I get, the more apparent it becomes how unhealthy our marriage is.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
This for me is a very complicated question -- because alcoholism is not just about drinking and, in fact, when I threw my partner out, it was because she was in an extreme dry drunk relapse -- So, she wasn't actually drinking and/or drugging, but she was compulsively engaging in a lot of other addictive behaviors....and all of the lying, whining, blaming, poor-me-poor-me-pour-me-a-drink emotional and psychological BS was there in full force....
....and, obviously, my personal answer is "no" -- no primary intimate relationship that I'm involved in is going to continue in the face of all that BS. And my thoughts on "trying to stick it out" and "make something like that work" when the other person is clearly not doing squat to help, are: If I'm in a relationship in which I'm continuously doing 100% of the work, then, really, I'm in a relationship with myself and I'm not going to try to conceal the facts or confuse the issue by keeping an extra body around.
And then she got back into recovery and now we are back together..but it is definitely one day at a time...and I now have a clear sense of what alcoholism is and how it works and how my own ignorance of all that lead me to behaviors that, knowing what I do now, I have no intention of engaging in again.
So, yeah, I guess I'd still love to have the fantasy of "happy ever after," but I'm content with "OK for today, one day at a time" because it sure beats the h*ll out of the never-ending chaos and drama of dysfunction.
freya
...and, as others have said, regardless of what is happening, has happened or is going to happen in my relationship, the "gift of a recovery program" is something that I probably would never have gotten if I hadn't been involved with my partner......and that's a blessing no matter what happens.
....and, obviously, my personal answer is "no" -- no primary intimate relationship that I'm involved in is going to continue in the face of all that BS. And my thoughts on "trying to stick it out" and "make something like that work" when the other person is clearly not doing squat to help, are: If I'm in a relationship in which I'm continuously doing 100% of the work, then, really, I'm in a relationship with myself and I'm not going to try to conceal the facts or confuse the issue by keeping an extra body around.
And then she got back into recovery and now we are back together..but it is definitely one day at a time...and I now have a clear sense of what alcoholism is and how it works and how my own ignorance of all that lead me to behaviors that, knowing what I do now, I have no intention of engaging in again.
So, yeah, I guess I'd still love to have the fantasy of "happy ever after," but I'm content with "OK for today, one day at a time" because it sure beats the h*ll out of the never-ending chaos and drama of dysfunction.
freya
...and, as others have said, regardless of what is happening, has happened or is going to happen in my relationship, the "gift of a recovery program" is something that I probably would never have gotten if I hadn't been involved with my partner......and that's a blessing no matter what happens.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
I wouldn't change a thing I've gone through in my life because all of it has made me the person I am today. 'Nuf said. 
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