Blogs


Notices

Don't seem to be able to detach

Old 02-20-2009, 04:05 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Auckland
Posts: 8
Don't seem to be able to detach

Hello,

I've been here a couple of times now and find this site very encouraging.
Just wondering if anyone has any good ideas as to how to detach oneself from someone they love dearly.

My boyfriend and unborn childs father is an alcoholic, he admits he has a problem has been into rehab twice and attends AA, to his credit sometimes he really tries. I know it is worng but sometimes I wish he wouldn't even bother trying as everytime he slips back into drinking i get crushed, I feel like he has let me down yet again. I'm sick of feeling hurt and just want to detach.

I have left him once, but he came back promising he wouldn't drink and I took him back. I find it hard to leave again as he keeps telling me he doesn't want to drink anymore and it doesn't seem right to leave when he is giving up. So I stay he fails, drinks again, and I get hurt. I'm so sick of it!

For a while I just got on with my own stuff, but just recently my obstretician put me on bedrest for the baby and i have far too much time to think. I need my boyfriends support and help so I keep him around, but I do wonder whether he is more trouble than he is worth.

Tonight we have had a huge fight over drink so course, he said and did things he has never done before. I then left (when I should be resting) and when I got back he had gone, so now I'm here threating over his welfare and our relationship. I need to rest not worry about this but I just can't detach. I am always angry and also always a fool, I believe him everytime he says he trying to give up only to be lied to, manipulated, bled financially, physically and emotionally dry and abused.

I'm sick of living like this I need some peace. I think if I detached it would be better??? I had been attending alanon until my bedrest and this was helpful, but I still can't master detachment.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thanks.
LizzieBee is offline  
Old 02-20-2009, 06:39 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Brokenheart, USA
Posts: 58
al-anon has online meetings that you can still attend if you can't leave your house. i just received the email list of online meetings myself since I have no one to watch my two children for me.
FlwrofFrgttng is offline  
Old 02-20-2009, 06:59 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Bottom line for me was I could not live with an active alcoholic and effectively detach. It was killing me inside.

:ghug :ghug
Freedom1990 is offline  
Old 02-20-2009, 07:38 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Freed from the anguish
 
JustMeInWI's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 124
I believe him everytime he says he trying to give up only to be lied to, manipulated, bled financially, physically and emotionally dry and abused. I'm sick of living like this I need some peace. I think if I detached it would be better??? I had been attending alanon until my bedrest and this was helpful, but I still can't master detachment.
((((hugs)))) Have you read through the stickies at the top of our forum here? I found when I was asking these questions, reading those things helped me a lot.

Also, detachment is how to emotionally let go of feeling responsible for someone else's actions. However, emotional freedom will not help with the physical issues: "being bled financially, physically". Even if you detach emotionally, he will still lie to you and he will still use manipulation tactics. If he's anything like my SAH (S=sober), when you detach (don't let his manipulations and lies cause you to react) he will become MORE agressive with his verbal/emotional/mental abuse on you. The crazymaking will come out in full force.

In my personal experience, the only way to "detach" from all of that is to separate yourself physically from him. I chose to go "No Contact" with him for two months. Even that he refused to respect and would text me, call me, email me, and show up at my door to try to get me back into crazymaking conversations.

I do hope that you will have better luck in your situation... but please, whatever happens - LOVE YOURSELF FIRST. Take care of you MOST. You and your unborn baby need to be safe and loved (regardless of what your bf does). Keep posting here, and since you are bedridden, I would strongly suggest reading some good books. The first two I recommend for you (they helped me work through things TREMENDOUSLY) are "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie and "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.

(((((hugs))))) JustMe
JustMeInWI is offline  
Old 02-20-2009, 07:39 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
Hi LizzieBee, I went through the same thing. My AH was a weekend binge drinker, and he'd tell me he'd curb it, that he knows it's causing problems, made all sorts of promises that he couldn't keep. And when I was pregnant the same cycle happened, and while he was out I'd worry and ruminate and all I really did was hurt me and the baby with all of my anxiety. I didn't start al anon until my girl was 10 months and although I tried to detach, it was difficult to understand how to do it. I felt like I was condoning his behaviour by not saying anything. Anyhow, then THAT became a new cycle. He's start drinking. I'd detach and say, go to bed. He'd continue drinking, be a hungover mess in the morning, then feel guilty and bad over what he had done, I'd act a bit aloof and continue with my day, then after a few days things would kind of go back to normal day to day stuff. Rinse. Repeat next weekend. I finally had enough and told him we needed to separate. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Detachment helped me feel less anxious and obsessive about what he was doing and helped me focus on me and my feelings, but didn't do much to change my situation. I had to actively make a change. We're in the same house for now but in separate bedrooms and he hasn't drank since. It's tough when you need support as you do - are there family members or friends you can count on?
silkspin is offline  
Old 02-20-2009, 07:55 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Psalm 118:24
 
CAPTAINZING2000's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,202
Blog Entries: 1
How many open meetings do they have around your area?

Suggest going with him to as many as you.

It'd be helpful if, he got a good sponsor as well
CAPTAINZING2000 is offline  
Old 02-20-2009, 08:40 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I could not detach from the continuing bad behaviors so I left.

Please protect your health and that of your unborn child.
Barbara52 is offline  
Old 02-20-2009, 09:11 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Ago
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Blog Entries: 3
Originally Posted by Barbara52 View Post
I could not detach from the continuing bad behaviors so I left.

Please protect your health and that of your unborn child.
Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
Bottom line for me was I could not live with an active alcoholic and effectively detach. It was killing me inside.

:ghug :ghug
This was my experience as well....I tried, My God I tried....the longer I stayed, the crazier I got until I was of no use to anyone.

I have an inability to remain sane in an insane situation, and make no mistake, active alcoholism IS insanity, the dangerous thing about it is it's contagious, that's why they call it a "family disease", everyone involved is affected (goes crazy a little bit)

Some people have the ability or fortitude or whatever to stay, I'm not one of them, some people stay and go insane themselves, we see them show up at meetings barking mad with an utter inability to talk about anything but him/her.

They are so sick, I just want to hug them, I remember that's exactly what I looked and sounded like when I got there. It's horrible.
Ago is offline  
Old 02-20-2009, 09:30 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Brokenheart, USA
Posts: 58
That's me. No matter how hard I try, if he's there I JUST CAN'T separate myself from it. It's a need and a sickness. The only time I can be normal is if he's not here for me to see what he does...
FlwrofFrgttng is offline  
Old 02-20-2009, 08:36 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Yield beautiful changes
 
ToughChoices's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 787
Originally Posted by LizzieBee View Post
I'm sick of living like this I need some peace. I think if I detached it would be better??? I had been attending alanon until my bedrest and this was helpful, but I still can't master detachment.
I think there are times in life when our bodies and our hearts really demand ATTACHMENT, when being close and secure and cared-for by a partner is an incredibly natural and appropriate need.

Pregnancy seems like one of those times to me.
Go easy on yourself here, LizzieBee. You're growing a kiddo - of course you want your A to be a responsible father. Of course you want him to be supportive of you while you're on bedrest.

I found it very difficult to detach when I had so many (perfectly valid) needs that weren't being met. I just lived in this world of LACK and shame and fear that it was somehow my fault for not being content.

My world is different today.

Today I would rather be without a partner than share my life with someone who is incapable of giving to me when I need it the most.

I am so sorry that you are hurting. Know that you are loved, and you are worthy of great care and tenderness.

-TC
ToughChoices is offline  
Old 02-24-2009, 12:16 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Auckland
Posts: 8
Thank you everyone for your responses, I believe it would be best if I separated from my boyfriend; but being with him seems to have shrunken my social support, my friends seem to have vanished.
I don't know what to do my family lives out of town and I'm tied to my current city due to my 5yr special needs daughter who needs to be near the best hospital. I feel so lost and need help with my daughter as I need to be on bedrest.
My boyfriend is sometimes helpful but most of the time he just creates pain and chaos.

Thanks again everyone.
LizzieBee is offline  
Old 02-24-2009, 05:14 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
Could you try some local community resources - public health or a hospital? Or a volunteer organization?
Do what is best for you, take care of you and your children first. Thinking of my daughter rather than myself made it easier for me - I don't want her growing up with an active A in her immediate environment. That's what gave me strength where I couldn't find it for myself (and I'm working on that!!)
silkspin is offline  
Old 02-24-2009, 11:47 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
A jug fills drop by drop
 
TakingCharge999's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,783
Hi Lizzie

There should be some options for someone else to care for your daughter.

I feel the same way, alone in a new city, distancing from what I considered friends, etc. after the breakup.

After 5 months I am still struggling with the turn of events, but this guy was not capable of loving me or caring for me so... its much better to be alone. Better not to lose time or energy, for me it was like throwing everything to an endless pit...

Hang in there, hugs!
TakingCharge999 is offline  
Old 02-24-2009, 12:22 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 5
<< but being with him seems to have shrunken my social support, my friends seem to have vanished. >>

Have you tried reaching out to old friends? I know leaving my ex was really hard because I had alienated my friends b/c of all the things that go along with being with an alcoholic (covering up, avoiding them to avoid embarassment, etc). I have found that reaching out to my friends and letting them know what I was going through has brought them back into my life in very helpful ways. I know reaching out can be scary b/c of the fear of rejection. But, its so worth it!!
InRepair is offline  
Old 02-24-2009, 12:25 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 5
I meant to mention, my father is an alcoholic and when my Mom finally kicked him out when I was 8, I was so relieved! Not having a father/partner puts a lot of extra stress on life, but in my opinion, having a father/partner who is an alcohol causes WAY more.
InRepair is offline  
Old 02-24-2009, 04:04 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 24
I have read in a few of the posts about the stickys at the top of the forum and I feel silly asking but I am not sure what they are/'where they are. Also- How do I find out aout the online Alanon meetings here. I need some more support for my codie ways and think this will be a positive thing for me. Thanks!
hopefulone is offline  
Old 02-25-2009, 03:33 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Curled up in a good book...
 
bookwyrm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Stickies

The stickies are the threads at the very top of the forum - my favourite is the Classic Reading one - I found that there are lots of relevant topics there. Does this help you find them?
bookwyrm is offline  
Old 02-25-2009, 03:50 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
aasharon90's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 13,490
Remember you never have to go thru
anything alone or by urself.

Being here is very helpful and allows
u to vent and ask for suggestions.

There will be good suggestions to
guide you however you will have to
do the footwork to help urself and
ur baby.

It's hard to change because we become
dependant on others even when its not
healthy.

I thought i would be stuck in a marriage
that i was unappy in. I did ask for help,
courage and support here in SR so that
i could do the next best thing.

All in all in an amazing event I got
a job interview back here in Baton Rouge,
my hometown, which was my ticket to
leave the marriage. I was the one in
recovery and i did everything i could
to hep myself to te best of my ability
and thus was rewards with a happy
joyous free life today.

U and ur baby deserve to be happy
and free from extra stress.

I wish u courage, willingness, and
strength to move on in ur life so
u can enjoy the joys of ur new
baby.

Thanks for letting me share.
aasharon90 is online now  
Old 02-25-2009, 04:16 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 202
I can relate to the "vanishing friends." Living with an A is very isolating. Many have tried to help me with support, money, housing, etc., and ended up feeling burned when I went back to AH. I know I will have a LOT of amends to make when I start my step work. I cherish my friends deeply and hate the distance I feel from them. I am ready to do whatever it takes to repair those relationships as they are vital to my very well-being.
Glenna9802 is offline  
Old 02-27-2009, 06:10 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Auckland
Posts: 8
Thanks all for your comments, is is comforting to know there are so many people out there who understand.

Thanks again:ghug3
LizzieBee is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:37 AM.