How to deal with the pissyness
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 36
How to deal with the pissyness
I was reading a thread yesterday, and the word "Pissyness" stuck out at me. What a great term to describe my H sometimes.
What's the best thing to do when pissyness strikes? Do I ask him what the problem is, do I ignore? Do I defend myself?
He had an episode of pissyness last night when we were cleaning up the kitchen. He became irate with a dishcloth - he thought it was making his hands itch. He thought it had gotten musty, it was clean and fresh as far as I could tell. He got clean one out of the drawer and that one bothered him also and he finally stomped off. Somehow it ties in to him hating to help clean up the kitchen - I don't ask him much anymore for help - he does it begrudgingly.
I'm afraid I'm still having problems with step 1. I can't help but feel so much of this is my fault. Maybe if I were a better homemaker, I would have soaked the cloths in bleach or something. Somehow I feel I failed.
What's the best thing to do when pissyness strikes? Do I ask him what the problem is, do I ignore? Do I defend myself?
He had an episode of pissyness last night when we were cleaning up the kitchen. He became irate with a dishcloth - he thought it was making his hands itch. He thought it had gotten musty, it was clean and fresh as far as I could tell. He got clean one out of the drawer and that one bothered him also and he finally stomped off. Somehow it ties in to him hating to help clean up the kitchen - I don't ask him much anymore for help - he does it begrudgingly.
I'm afraid I'm still having problems with step 1. I can't help but feel so much of this is my fault. Maybe if I were a better homemaker, I would have soaked the cloths in bleach or something. Somehow I feel I failed.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Does the word
M A N I P U L A T I O N
sound familiar??????
Please know that I am not trying to be harsh. But I have lived in that situation for too many years, sweetie. That is just another tactic he is using to avoid any responsibility or work.
It's NOT YOUR FAULT that the dish rag irriated his hands. He can rinse them off afterwards and apply some lotion. Everyone else does the same thing. It has nothing to do with you.
It's called being selfish, self-centered and self-seeking.
That's what the disease and their lack of maturity does to their attitude.
Please don't take that on as YOUR FAULT!
Hugs to you!!
Rita
M A N I P U L A T I O N
sound familiar??????
Please know that I am not trying to be harsh. But I have lived in that situation for too many years, sweetie. That is just another tactic he is using to avoid any responsibility or work.
It's NOT YOUR FAULT that the dish rag irriated his hands. He can rinse them off afterwards and apply some lotion. Everyone else does the same thing. It has nothing to do with you.
It's called being selfish, self-centered and self-seeking.
That's what the disease and their lack of maturity does to their attitude.
Please don't take that on as YOUR FAULT!
Hugs to you!!
Rita
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
It depends on what the situation is:
If we're in the middle of an important, supposedly adult conversation, I say: "It doesn't seem like you're in a place where you can discuss this rationally right now, so I'm not going to talk about it any more. Let me know sometime when you feel like you're in a better place and we can talk about it."
If it just strikes out of nowhere, I say "Listen, you don't seem to be feeling very good and I don't feel like being treated like this, so.....a) I'm going home; 2) Call me later when you're in a better place; 3) I need for you to go because I need some space.
...and, BTW, any of those comments on my part constitute the end of the discussion -- because my A will almost always try to keep me engaged with some "What???? -- What did I do? -- Tell me what I did! -- You're too sensitive! -- It was just a joke, can't you take a joke? -- b*llsh*t" and my days of playing that gone are long since over.
freya
If we're in the middle of an important, supposedly adult conversation, I say: "It doesn't seem like you're in a place where you can discuss this rationally right now, so I'm not going to talk about it any more. Let me know sometime when you feel like you're in a better place and we can talk about it."
If it just strikes out of nowhere, I say "Listen, you don't seem to be feeling very good and I don't feel like being treated like this, so.....a) I'm going home; 2) Call me later when you're in a better place; 3) I need for you to go because I need some space.
...and, BTW, any of those comments on my part constitute the end of the discussion -- because my A will almost always try to keep me engaged with some "What???? -- What did I do? -- Tell me what I did! -- You're too sensitive! -- It was just a joke, can't you take a joke? -- b*llsh*t" and my days of playing that gone are long since over.
freya
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
(((marigolds)))
That is not behavior I can tolerate any more.
I have dealt with it too, and have walked on eggshells around "him" (whoever "he" is), stopped asking for help, gotten mad, gotten mad at ME, wondered what I've done wrong, the whole nine yards.
There are even traces of it in my current relationship, which is (mostly) healthy. So dont' think it's exclusive to alcoholics!
I solved it then and solve it now with honesty, and with brutal questions: What is it you think I could have done differently? Tell me, and I'll ponder it, and get back to you. How could YOU have acted differently? Do you realize you really hurt my feelings/ruin our evening/make me disrespect you when you act like that? How would you feel if I did that to you?
Honestly, if someone wants bleach thrown in with the dishtowels, more salt, the toothpaste tube squeezed differently, and if they're not being a mean, helpless jerk, I'll listen. Maybe I'll suggest they do it themself, maybe if it's my area of responsibility I can shift how I do things. BUT THEY"VE GOTTA TELL ME AND STOP ACTING LIKE A SIX-YEAR-OLD FIRST.
With DH I've actually switched certain household chores with him because there are some things he just doesn't have the temperament to do without getting frustrated. I clip the dogs' nails. He vacuums (there's something meditative about that, he says). I write the checks and balance the checkbook. He cleans the cat box.
But truthfully, if he weren't willing to communicate with me, explain his feelings like an adult, think of MY feelings too, compromise or trade, or stop acting like a pissy jerk no matter what we tried? I would be out of this marriage faster than you can say "Swiffer." I am not a punching bag, I'm a person, and this person doesn't need anyone enough to be treated like dirt by them.
All that said? This really does sound like him taking his stupid sh** out on you, and it's mean and childish and self-centered. Try something different if you want, but be prepared for the fact that this may just be who he is. And decide whether you want to spend your one, precious life treated like this.
That is not behavior I can tolerate any more.
I have dealt with it too, and have walked on eggshells around "him" (whoever "he" is), stopped asking for help, gotten mad, gotten mad at ME, wondered what I've done wrong, the whole nine yards.
There are even traces of it in my current relationship, which is (mostly) healthy. So dont' think it's exclusive to alcoholics!
I solved it then and solve it now with honesty, and with brutal questions: What is it you think I could have done differently? Tell me, and I'll ponder it, and get back to you. How could YOU have acted differently? Do you realize you really hurt my feelings/ruin our evening/make me disrespect you when you act like that? How would you feel if I did that to you?
Honestly, if someone wants bleach thrown in with the dishtowels, more salt, the toothpaste tube squeezed differently, and if they're not being a mean, helpless jerk, I'll listen. Maybe I'll suggest they do it themself, maybe if it's my area of responsibility I can shift how I do things. BUT THEY"VE GOTTA TELL ME AND STOP ACTING LIKE A SIX-YEAR-OLD FIRST.
With DH I've actually switched certain household chores with him because there are some things he just doesn't have the temperament to do without getting frustrated. I clip the dogs' nails. He vacuums (there's something meditative about that, he says). I write the checks and balance the checkbook. He cleans the cat box.
But truthfully, if he weren't willing to communicate with me, explain his feelings like an adult, think of MY feelings too, compromise or trade, or stop acting like a pissy jerk no matter what we tried? I would be out of this marriage faster than you can say "Swiffer." I am not a punching bag, I'm a person, and this person doesn't need anyone enough to be treated like dirt by them.
All that said? This really does sound like him taking his stupid sh** out on you, and it's mean and childish and self-centered. Try something different if you want, but be prepared for the fact that this may just be who he is. And decide whether you want to spend your one, precious life treated like this.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
My kids are great at doing the same thing.......They think if they don't fold the towels right, don't clean around the base of the toilet, or start gagging at the smell of whichever cleaning product I buy then they won't have responsibilities. I used to just throw my hands in the air and do it for them. They got what they wanted and I was doing a poor job of teaching them responsibility. Maybe your AH did the same thing growing up and mom swooped in and did it for him. Just a thought.......could be that it has nothing to do with alcoholism?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: California
Posts: 164
Pissyness, is such a problem at my house. Just tonight my son and I were sitting down to watch Survivor, we look forward to this all week. Its great fun to watch and talk about. As soon as it came on the Pissyness started, AH calling from the computer about needing help, with pictures. (stuff he has been show how to do over and over) What he was doing was all important.
The look on his face when we didn't jump up when he started calling.
I am soooooooo tired of the pissy attitude. I am so tired of the look on his face. I have tried many different approches but no change.
I wish I had the answer for you, and for me. I think that in my case anyway his basic personality is to be very self centered.
Is this how I want live?
Is this how you want to live?
We are in the same boat. I will keep you in my thoughts.
The look on his face when we didn't jump up when he started calling.
I am soooooooo tired of the pissy attitude. I am so tired of the look on his face. I have tried many different approches but no change.
I wish I had the answer for you, and for me. I think that in my case anyway his basic personality is to be very self centered.
Is this how I want live?
Is this how you want to live?
We are in the same boat. I will keep you in my thoughts.
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
Ha Ha I'm not sure if it was one of my threads that you saw but I tend to use the word Pissyness ALOT because that is what I could expect after a day/night of drinking.
How did I deal with Pissyness? At first, I was hurt by the pissyness - which was always aimed at me. So I dealt with it in the end by saying GET OUT! I will NOT be nit-picked and torn down by some drunk who's had too much to drink and then decides to take whatever it is they are feeling at the time out on me. Pi$$ on that!!! lol
So yeah - I am VERY familiar with Pissyness and all that comes with it. It sucks and it's NOT fair to you. These days the only pissy one that I put up with is ME.
Hugs.
How did I deal with Pissyness? At first, I was hurt by the pissyness - which was always aimed at me. So I dealt with it in the end by saying GET OUT! I will NOT be nit-picked and torn down by some drunk who's had too much to drink and then decides to take whatever it is they are feeling at the time out on me. Pi$$ on that!!! lol
So yeah - I am VERY familiar with Pissyness and all that comes with it. It sucks and it's NOT fair to you. These days the only pissy one that I put up with is ME.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I don't deal with pissyness. No one has my permission to abuse me that way! If it were a child, you wouldn't tolerate it. Why in the world would you tolerate it in an adult? Bad behavior is bad behavior whatever someone's excuse may be.
It's time for him to grow up already or for you to figure out what change you are ready to make, what boundaries you can set.
It's time for him to grow up already or for you to figure out what change you are ready to make, what boundaries you can set.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
When it's my AH who is suppose to act like an adult, I ignore him. If it is during a conversation I usually say: "I am not going to talk about this now" and I leave the room. Sometimes I have to say it more then once.
Then I go about what I was doing or if I have to I stay away from him or go out. I try not to engage him because he can be very verbally and emotionally abusive and for what ever time is left here with him I want to deal with that as little as possible.
I find that it all goes back to manipulation or "punishment". Yet another way of the alcoholic acting out like a child to avoid some responsibility. Mine also uses the ancient art of pissyness along with silence when I haven't done enough or in some way displeased him. I shake my head now I just keep doing my own thing. It seems to happen a lot when I have something special planned with the kids.
The funny thing is when I saw your word "Pissy" I had to laugh. The most common question in my house among my teens and my 25 year old sister is "Hey, what's wrong with Pissy today?" LOL!!!
Then I go about what I was doing or if I have to I stay away from him or go out. I try not to engage him because he can be very verbally and emotionally abusive and for what ever time is left here with him I want to deal with that as little as possible.
I find that it all goes back to manipulation or "punishment". Yet another way of the alcoholic acting out like a child to avoid some responsibility. Mine also uses the ancient art of pissyness along with silence when I haven't done enough or in some way displeased him. I shake my head now I just keep doing my own thing. It seems to happen a lot when I have something special planned with the kids.
The funny thing is when I saw your word "Pissy" I had to laugh. The most common question in my house among my teens and my 25 year old sister is "Hey, what's wrong with Pissy today?" LOL!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: California
Posts: 39
I get this sometimes too. Not frequently, but enough for it to be an issue we've had to discuss. I can be having such a nice day and he'll come home, be in a bad mood and take it out on me. Usually I get out of the line of fire, and by the time I am ready to discuss it with him, he has realized what a buttmunch he was being and apologizes.
I keep telling him that one of these days I'm going to haul off and give him such a verbal beating, he won't know what hit him!
I keep telling him that one of these days I'm going to haul off and give him such a verbal beating, he won't know what hit him!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
I solved the problem permanently. After one final fit of pissyness where he freaked out, left the house and spent all night in a hotel drinking and drunk dialing directory assistance on his cell phone all because I would not put the xmas tree up the day he wanted, I filed for divorce and threw him out.
He gets to be drunk and pissy all by himself now.
He gets to be drunk and pissy all by himself now.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: bowling green ky
Posts: 201
re:
My AH said to me one day last week that I needed to get my prioities straight- That I need to " learn to lock the doors" and that he can't lie with the fact that I "don't take care of my stuff" I don't even know what that means- but to him in his sicko mind it is faarrr more a problem than his 1/5 a day vodka habit or his telling lies to lay out of work- (he told him his Grandmother died last time)
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