Kept My Boundary
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Winder, Ga
Posts: 14
Kept My Boundary
Last night AH was over spending time with the kids. He asked me to watch FireProof with him. I had been with him a good part of day really talking about everything. I told him I would watch the movie but he couldn't spend the night. He said Okay. (I let him spend the night the other night..bad idea)
Well after the movie was over he was like it's so late can I stay? To be honest I was very upset that he even asked because I thought we had already discussed this. I stuck to my word and said no. He continued with every reason of why he should stay and why I should change my mind. Then he tried to make a move on me...I did give him the idea earlier that something sexual might happen between us but that was shot to hell after he asked to stay. Anyways he was pretty mad and left. I went to bed and he called 1 hour later 11:30pm woke me up to tell me he was frustrated and feels like he's trying SO hard but getting nowhere with me. He said I cooked supper, played with the kids, spent the day with you. It pisses me off he expected something in return.
We started counselling this week at a local church. He's been sober for 9 days (longest I've ever seen him without a drink). He's not seeking any other help other than God's and the church counseling. I feel like he's really trying but I don't trust him either. He was crying as he got off the phone last night saying his Dad was in there drinking and did I know how hard it was not too? I didn't say anything just goodnight. I can't be his savior with alcohol. I have a feeling he drank last night. But have come to realize it's not my problem...nor my fault. Thanks for letting me vent this morning.
Courtney
Well after the movie was over he was like it's so late can I stay? To be honest I was very upset that he even asked because I thought we had already discussed this. I stuck to my word and said no. He continued with every reason of why he should stay and why I should change my mind. Then he tried to make a move on me...I did give him the idea earlier that something sexual might happen between us but that was shot to hell after he asked to stay. Anyways he was pretty mad and left. I went to bed and he called 1 hour later 11:30pm woke me up to tell me he was frustrated and feels like he's trying SO hard but getting nowhere with me. He said I cooked supper, played with the kids, spent the day with you. It pisses me off he expected something in return.
We started counselling this week at a local church. He's been sober for 9 days (longest I've ever seen him without a drink). He's not seeking any other help other than God's and the church counseling. I feel like he's really trying but I don't trust him either. He was crying as he got off the phone last night saying his Dad was in there drinking and did I know how hard it was not too? I didn't say anything just goodnight. I can't be his savior with alcohol. I have a feeling he drank last night. But have come to realize it's not my problem...nor my fault. Thanks for letting me vent this morning.
Courtney
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Good for you for doing what is right for you!
A friend of mine has been recommending AH and I watch Fireproof (we are taking a break). I finally explained to her that I did not feel it would be helpful to me to watch a movie that features a fictional husband doing whatever it takes to save his marriage. It would remind me of how much my AH is not willing to do in our marriage.
She has been offering suggestions of actions I could initiate. Some other people have too. I got very frustrated. I have been trying for years to get AH to try working on our relationship. Now I have set up healthy boundaries and enforced consequences and instead of support I get more suggestions. I am giving the suggestions back to the sources and working on me.
I went to my third Alanon meeting last night. I am finding comfort in those rooms. Have you tried another support for yourself outside of your church counselling?
A friend of mine has been recommending AH and I watch Fireproof (we are taking a break). I finally explained to her that I did not feel it would be helpful to me to watch a movie that features a fictional husband doing whatever it takes to save his marriage. It would remind me of how much my AH is not willing to do in our marriage.
She has been offering suggestions of actions I could initiate. Some other people have too. I got very frustrated. I have been trying for years to get AH to try working on our relationship. Now I have set up healthy boundaries and enforced consequences and instead of support I get more suggestions. I am giving the suggestions back to the sources and working on me.
I went to my third Alanon meeting last night. I am finding comfort in those rooms. Have you tried another support for yourself outside of your church counselling?
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
In my dysfunctional marriage I became super-responsible, super mom. XAH seemed to like that he could behave in an irresponsible way. Never complained one bit and reinforced me for being a "great wife". As long as I went along with it. My ability to tolerate unacceptable behavior was unbelievable....now I look back and see how sick I had become.
Once I started to become healthier and showing some self respect the bottom fell out. He did not want me asking much from him. He wanted things to stay as they were with me carrying most of the work. He wanted a gold medal for behaviors that most people assume are required to be in a relationship. Like call if you are going to be late. Or, having an affair is unacceptable.
Anyway, when he realized I was serious about taking care of myself and our kids he decided he would "do the dishes for the rest of my life." I just said , "Oh" and watched. He lasted a few weeks and then said, "You never appreciate all that I do." I saw it for what it was .....manipulation.
Hang in there. Keep learning what it is you want and who it is you want to be. Take care of you.
Once I started to become healthier and showing some self respect the bottom fell out. He did not want me asking much from him. He wanted things to stay as they were with me carrying most of the work. He wanted a gold medal for behaviors that most people assume are required to be in a relationship. Like call if you are going to be late. Or, having an affair is unacceptable.
Anyway, when he realized I was serious about taking care of myself and our kids he decided he would "do the dishes for the rest of my life." I just said , "Oh" and watched. He lasted a few weeks and then said, "You never appreciate all that I do." I saw it for what it was .....manipulation.
Hang in there. Keep learning what it is you want and who it is you want to be. Take care of you.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Originally Posted by courtney1111 
...I went to bed and he called 1 hour later 11:30pm woke me up to tell me he was frustrated and feels like he's trying SO hard but getting nowhere with me. He said I cooked supper, played with the kids, spent the day with you. It pisses me off he expected something in return.
...He was crying as he got off the phone last night saying his Dad was in there drinking and did I know how hard it was not too? I didn't say anything just goodnight. I can't be his savior with alcohol. I have a feeling he drank last night. But have come to realize it's not my problem...nor my fault. Thanks for letting me vent this morning.
Courtney
...He was crying as he got off the phone last night saying his Dad was in there drinking and did I know how hard it was not too? I didn't say anything just goodnight. I can't be his savior with alcohol. I have a feeling he drank last night. But have come to realize it's not my problem...nor my fault. Thanks for letting me vent this morning.
Courtney
Oh....and you can't be his saviour without alcohol either. You shouldn't try...that's quite a big role to fill for anyone other than, well, "the savior".
Keep up the good work! Hugs and Prayers! HG
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
I did give him the idea earlier that something sexual might happen between us but that was shot to hell after he asked to stay.
I found it easier to navigate a relationship when the messages I was getting were consistent. Males aren't the most adept at navigating complex emotional situations, and are **** poor at navigating ones with double messages and "double binds" in them.
Anyways he was pretty mad and left
For me, it was best if my partner gave me a message and stuck to it.
Having him spend the night the other night, and then giving him the idea that something sexual was going to happen, then having that be "shot to hell" because he asked to stay...it's a double bind, you are giving him mixed messages, of course he is going to be upset.
I don't know what the rest of your relationship looks like, but this area of your life will be much better served by setting clear boundaries and sticking to them.
It doesn't matter what those boundaries are, whether it's yes or no, but a consistent message will be helpful to both of you in order to focus on those areas in your relationship that need attention rather then this issue becoming the focus.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
Some well meaning person sent me Fireproof and the book to save your marriage that goes along with it. I think it's great if both people are "normal" healthy people who can wrap their heads around saving a relationship. It gives one page to addictions and how most relationships can't succeed if there is an addiction because it takes the place of the spouse and that's it.
I have found if there is two problems in a marriage with an addiction. All the problems the addictions bring that need worked out and then all the regular relationship problems that a normal rocky relationship would need help with like the couple had in the movie...
Well good luck..
I have found if there is two problems in a marriage with an addiction. All the problems the addictions bring that need worked out and then all the regular relationship problems that a normal rocky relationship would need help with like the couple had in the movie...
Well good luck..
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Nice job on the boundaries, courtney. You're making real progress.
DO be careful about the mixed messages, though --- it will make your life much more serene. Ago's right: guys really do stink at figuring out those subtle turnarounds like "I know I implied we might have sex but how dare you ASK????" I'm not sure I wouldn't have been angry too.
Gotta live and learn -- and keep on moving forward. You're doing great. Give Al-Anon a shot. Having a local support system was a real godsend for me.
DO be careful about the mixed messages, though --- it will make your life much more serene. Ago's right: guys really do stink at figuring out those subtle turnarounds like "I know I implied we might have sex but how dare you ASK????" I'm not sure I wouldn't have been angry too.
Gotta live and learn -- and keep on moving forward. You're doing great. Give Al-Anon a shot. Having a local support system was a real godsend for me.
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