loverof1

I'm angry. I feel like I have been dooped, robbed, screwed over, fu$%ed by the one person I poored my heart and soul into. I'm pissed that my life has become what it is today...and that it is all because of his love for booze. I'm furious that I have spent 17 years of my life dedicated to him, loving and supporting him through everything and this is all I have gotten in return. What kind of person could allow themselves to ruin the lives of everyone around them because they like being drunk? What kind of person turns their backs on their family for a bottle of booze? Its not right! Why? Why do the people who bend over backwards and give all they have always end up getting the ****** end of the stick? I could just scream! This is not fair. I did everything right and I don't deserve this!

jaguarpcb

Freedom1990

So what is the next step in your life? :ghug :ghug

LaTeeDa

Anger can be a powerful motivator. You can use it as temporary energy to do something positive. Or, you can stew in it and let it eat you up. That's something HE has no control over.

L

aasharon90

Some people are more sicker than others.
In the recovery rooms we see all kinds of
individuals that have been sick with addiction
for a long time and now that they have a
program to work they are ready to make
amends to those they have hurt so badly.

There is no excuse for an alcoholic or drug
addicts behavior. They are sick. I was sick.

The people around me, including family
and friends have all been affected by
my disease. My behavior.

Family members who have an alcoholic
or drug addict have to take care of
themselves. That is why there is al-anon,
al-lateen, NA and AA.

I look at my family and see where they
didnt ask for me as an alcoholic in their
lives. Unfortunately I became sick, my
life unmanageable. People didnt know
how to act around me. They didnt
know what to say....either u pizz me off
or u walked on egg shells around me....

I didnt ask to be an alcoholic. However
I turned out to be one.

My family did an intervention on me
getting me help when i couldnt do
it for myself. Mothers do Tuff Love
for their kids because they r unable
to help themselves.

Im grateful for their help but in early
recovery i was angry. As time went on
and i worked my program I eventually
made my amends for the hurt i caused
them.

If u love someone enough to help them
and u get what u need to help urself,
then u both can have a healthy relationship
in the long run.

Thanks for letting me share.

Ago

I knew I was getting healthy when I felt an anger so profound I didn't even know what to do...I ended up leaving just a few days later.

I know it "takes what it takes" but what's it going to take do you think?

You are not the only one being affected by his actions if I understand correctly, it seems there are children involved, riding around with alchy dad while he is plastered, going hungry etc. Can you use some of this anger to get out for their sakes?

This post is from a year ago, 365 days ago

you answered this with:

That's from a year ago, how long does it take to line up ducks?

I also beg to differ about the "safety issue", riding around with a drunk man and going hungry ARE safety issues.

Can you make some changes for their sakes? It's obviously impacting your children deeply. Can you use this anger constructively? How long do you think you should wait?

ItsmeAlice

I agree with LaTeeDa, channel this anger, use it, harness it. Hell hath no fury...

Sometimes when the quacking gets going and my blood starts to boil, I think "that's right sweetheart, be an a**, girlfriend's gonna run tonight on the treadmill after you pass out, and I need something to get me moving!"

You know I hated school. I thought is was the worse waste of my life. If I really think about, I do use that knowledge every day.

I have "wasted" a decade on my ABF, but if I really think about it, I've learned a lot about a relationship really should be. I'm hoping to use that eduation real soon.

TakingCharge999

Anger makes you move forward.
I wish I had felt angry when my exAH abused me verbally.
Instead I cried.

Finally I left, without tantrums. It was after several months that I started to really feel my anger, the deceit, the lies. We both knew what happened and I am slowly learning IT WAS NOT MY FAULT. IT WAS HIS.

Nothing at all could have avoided an abuser to abuse. A drinker to drink. Abusers are cowards - I am sorry, but they are. That is my opinion.

To this day it was "all my fault". The Question I've been asking myself all along is..

"why do I think I deserve this? this has nothing to do at all with love"

prodigal

Sadly, this is what addicts do. I understand your anger and frustration. However, I can tell you this: you do NOT figure into the equation of his addiction. Not one bit. He may be acting up, acting out, ignoring his obligations ... but he's not doing it to intentionally hurt you. Crazy, right?

The booze is king. It is the central focus. Everything and everybody else is peripheral to the addiction.

There is hope for him - IF he wants to get better. You have nothing to do with that either. In the meantime, you can give counseling and/or Al-Anon a shot. You need a place to vent, be understood, and heal.

spikedaball

run a treadmill, take a long walk, as they said, channel the anger, don't let it build inside of you!! You'll end up either physically hurting yourself or someone else or punching the wall (like me).

loverof1

I remember now why I stopped venting on this board.

LaTeeDa

If I would have had an attitude like that, I would have quit counseling after about three sessions. And I would still be stuck in a miserable marriage with an alcoholic "venting" to people who were sick and tired of hearing me whine and complain. All the while teaching my children how to grow up and be codependent like me.

Recovery is not easy and sometimes painful. It hurts to hear the truth, especially if you are in denial about it. But, you don't have to seek recovery, and no one can make you. Same goes for the alcoholic.

L

dothi

Does your husband know about this deal? That if you do everything right you get what you deserve - namely, a loving supportive husband?

Doing everything right does not entitle you to healthy behavior from your spouse. Even if you do everything right, you still have no more control over your husband than the next person.

Healthy behavior (respect, support) can only start with you. In this situation, it starts with how you treat yourself and how you maintain your boundaries for respect.

Tarheel

L of 1,

What is it that Ago said that isn't on-target? I'm wondering if you disagree or if it's just uncomfortable to hear?

TH

MissFixit

L,

You sound like you are hurting. All here have been hurt by A's from months to decades.

Please keep posting. I would like to know what your options are right now? Knowing that you cannot change his behavior or make him stop drinking, what would you like to do? It really hurts, but you have the benefit of being aware of the situation. YOU can make a change for yourself and your kids. What do you want?

loverof1

There has been an enormous amount that has happened since I posted the comments regarding my kids and my AH. During that time there was a long period of sobriety, but AH has gone back to his old ways as of late. Im angry about that. I thought this would be a good place to vent or "whine" as stated above (MUCH APPRECIATED), but apparently I got that one wrong. I'm not the bad guy here. I tried to be supportive of my AH and his disease and I can see where some of you might think I have sat around and done nothing about it, but that just simply is not true. I felt that this was a safe place to put my feelings out, but I was wrong.

I'm furious that I stayed and hoped for the best only to find that the bottle won the battle.

I now get to look forward to finishing the screw job on my kids that AH started. My kids will now get to grow into adulthood without a father figure-that pisses me off.

ducks are lined up-this chit is for the birds.

LaTeeDa

For what it's worth, my mom stayed. I grew up with an alcoholic father figure. I'm just now (in my mid-forties) getting all that childhood dysfunction sorted out. I wish I would have grown into adulthood without that father figure.

L

MissFixit

L,

Please vent here. Some give "soft" love, some give "tough" love, but I think that everyone who regularly posts here is trying to help you in their own way. I know when I am hurting, I get mad at the messenger. I cannot get grt it out with the source of my pain (former A), so I have taken it out on friends who were trying to be truthful with me and make me "see" my role in the relationship. I hated it then and I don't like it now.

Like you I have lots of anger towards my former A. Lies, deception, denial, infidelity, broken promises, financial promises, no follow through, destroying my realtionships with others, the list goes on and on... I am 4 months without direct contact and I cried just today, twice. I am angry too, but after the anxiety and tears, I gather my emotions and try to figure out what I can do next to not get into this situation again. From THIS starting point, how do I move forward. Each day I try to work on that as my actions are the only ones that I can control.

LaTeeDa

If you read my post, you will see that I talked about my whining. I remember being just as angry as you are. I was angry that my "dream" of marriage and family and life in general was falling apart. I was angry that he didn't get it. I was angry that I was the one holding everything together while he was going on his merry way doing whatever he wanted. I whined to anyone and everyone who would listen. It was so unfair. I had worked so hard and done everything right and I was getting nothing but crap for all of it. I had spent 18 years of my life trying to build my dream and it was crumbling all around me!

I found a therapist only when I was totally desperate and defeated. Yet, I still expected to go in there and be validated. I wanted someone who would commiserate with me and tell me I was right and he was wrong. To agree about what a poor victim I was and put the stamp of approval on my superiority and self-righteousness.

What I got was not so much what I wanted. I got someone who pointed out to me that it was my choices that got me into this mess and it was only going to be my choices that got me out of it. Someone who reminded me that I had absolutely no right or power to determine what another adult chooses to do with their life. It was humbling yet empowering at the same time. Eventually I gave up being the victim and martyr and took charge of my own destiny. Difficult does not do justice to the process I went through.

I posted about my experience because I remember being in the place you are at. I figured maybe you could gain something from someone who remembers what it's like to be so angry I could spit nails, and maybe some comfort from knowing that I made it to the other side.

I know how hard it is. I also know that none of those "there, there, you poor thing" posts helped me get to where I am now.

I wish you the best in your journey.

L

Ago

Life isn't fair, and I am truly sorry for that, I really am.

We all have our own "row to hoe", and we have all been adversely impacted by a relative's drinking. Alcoholism isn't fair, but we are powerless over it. what we aren't powerless over is our own actions.

FWIW I am a 43 year old man that was just recently left homeless and jobless as the result of alcoholism in my family. not my alcoholism, my mothers. I was roped in by the lies, the deceit, the manipulation just like the rest of us. The situation was so toxic that I just left. I packed a truckload of stuff and just drove away, no money, no job, no nothing. Anything to get away from these people.

It cost me my job (I had my own Company), my girlfriend, my home, my sanity...you name it. I ended up couch surfing, staying at a different home every night. It cost me my savings, and 3 years of my life.

I was "stuck" and "powerless" and "angry" (angry doesn't even begin to cover the emotion I was feeling) but until I made the choice to leave, all my "quacking" was no different then that of the alcoholic.

My life now is better then has been in years, and slowly getting better every month.

If by "safe" you mean everyone will point the finger at him and say, "alcoholics are bad mmmmk?" and "you're right, it's all his fault, he is a bad man you poor thing" then I guess this isn't "safe", I mean there are plenty of people here that will do that for you, I'm just not one of them.

I took responsibility for my own life, and my own choices, and it was difficult, hell it's still difficult, and it has been six months.

I move into my new house March 1st, I had a temp place with shared roommates for six months, it took me 2-3 months to find steady work, (I had been doing odd jobs) the point is, you are preaching to the choir, we know it's hard, we have all been there, myself, Lateeda, and a few others are just telling you what it takes to get to the other side.

It's simple, it's not easy, but it's simple. I could have happily strangled the people who were telling me the things I and LTD are telling you now, but those are the people who saved my life.

People who pat me on the head and cosign my ******** will keep me stuck, they will kill me, they mean well but my mother means well and she "coddled" my sister into 10 years of meth addiction, then another 15 years of Opiate addiction.

Anyway, You have children, please do what's best for them, please seek help, please go to alanon, please do what it takes to get it done no matter what, I really don't care if you hate me, I really don't care if you are angry at me, I really care what happens to you and your children though.

It's not about "being the bad guy" or "blame", alcoholism is to "blame", instead of being supportive of him and "his disease" which is what codependency is really, is being supportive of an A's disease, why don't you channel that energy into being supportive of you and your children? Put that energy where it can do the most good.

It's time for the talk to end. It's time for action. Please, take the action for your children, stop this cycle....change begins with you.

You don't have to do this alone, you really don't. My experience is if I took one step towards "recovery" or "God" or whatever, it/he took 2 steps towards me.

Get help. Get out. Be the parent your children deserve, don't make them be their own parents. Show them what is possible with determination and resolve. Make them proud of you, make this be a good thing, "this is how you overcome adversity" "this is how you care for your family".

It may not sound like it now, but we are all rooting for you, we want what's best for you and your children, we really do.

:ghug3