Feb 19 One Day at a Time
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Feb 19 One Day at a Time
I posted about being confused by readings from this book several days ago, but today's almost had me laughing. This is the OPPOSITE of what I have been reading about as far as taking care of yourself. This reading reminds me of the "magical thinking" I used when excusing bad behavior or thinking that things will be better tomorrow. It also implies that our actions WILL affect those of the A.....?????????
....Her husband was violent and often beat her, there was never enough money for food, he tangled with the police, anf time after time they were evicted for not paying their rent.
She might never have had the courage to come to al-anon if her husband hadn't been away in jail.
...One day she asked her sponsor "shall I get a divorce?"
Her sponsor said, "This is a decision only you can make. Other wives might have given up a long time ago. But are you ready for a complete break? What does your heart tell you?"
...the woman said, "By all right and reason I know I should separate myslef form him, but you see I love him."
She found her own answer, as all of us must. Who can understand it? Who is wise enough to make a decision for another? Surely none of us in al-anon, for we are taught that no situation is really hopeless.
As it turned out, this one was not either. As she overcame her fear of her husband, self pity yielded too. She stopped involving herself in his disasters and taking parts in arguments that used to end in voilence. Her husband was compelled to face his own problems, and happily, he learned to face them in AA.
....Her husband was violent and often beat her, there was never enough money for food, he tangled with the police, anf time after time they were evicted for not paying their rent.
She might never have had the courage to come to al-anon if her husband hadn't been away in jail.
...One day she asked her sponsor "shall I get a divorce?"
Her sponsor said, "This is a decision only you can make. Other wives might have given up a long time ago. But are you ready for a complete break? What does your heart tell you?"
...the woman said, "By all right and reason I know I should separate myslef form him, but you see I love him."
She found her own answer, as all of us must. Who can understand it? Who is wise enough to make a decision for another? Surely none of us in al-anon, for we are taught that no situation is really hopeless.
As it turned out, this one was not either. As she overcame her fear of her husband, self pity yielded too. She stopped involving herself in his disasters and taking parts in arguments that used to end in voilence. Her husband was compelled to face his own problems, and happily, he learned to face them in AA.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 167
Al-Anon was set up in a time where women didn't leave their husbands with the legal ease they are able to do now. (Emotionally it is still hard.) Even nowadays, there will be women who will never leave their husband because their religious and social conditioning is very strong and won't allow it. How can they reconcile living with an alcoholic? They don't enable. They detach. They don't take the verbal abuse personally. They get out and stay in a motel when violence is looming. They call the police when it happens and file charges. In this instance, perhaps the prison time was the alcoholic's rock bottom and that is what precipitated his change. What we do, will not 'cure' our alcoholic but how we react, impacts on their behaviour.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Brokenheart, USA
Posts: 58
Keep in mind that I'm new here and I haven't had any counseling yet to help me see where I'm wrong or not. Take everything I say here with a grain of salt. It's what I've found to be true for ME.
I very much do play a part in what AH does. Either by playing the screaming shrew, trying to save him from himself because *I* have a savior complex or by pulling the old "poor me" routine out of my hat. I am a control freak, not because I want to control every move he makes (who really wants that type of responsibility for another adult, I surely don't, I don't even want to control my children to that extent), but because I think that he should be doing what *I* think is right and healthy for him and for our family. It sounds good and altruistic and all that rot. But it's still control. It's still my problem and not his. He does react to this. Just like I react to him in these ways. He uses my behavior as his excuse to go out and pound them back. Because I feel sorry for myself and he knows it, he drinks and says to himself, "Ugh my wife thinks I'm worthless, let me go close down the bar, drown my sorrows, yada yada." When I pull out the shrew thing he thinks, "oh she's impossible, she's a nag, she MAKES me drink with all that negativity." Blah blah, you get the picture. And I know this because I noticed this almost at the very beginning of the whole mess. That he uses me and MY behavior as ammunition. He will try to pick fights to get that excuse he needs. He can say to himself, "No wonder I drink, I'm married to HER". Just like on the flip side I used to say "No wonder my marriage stinks, I'm married to an alcoholic." It's all an excuse, but not quite. There's a partial truth there...
No, I didn't make him drink, but I'm provided the excuse he needs to lie to himself about it.
I very much do play a part in what AH does. Either by playing the screaming shrew, trying to save him from himself because *I* have a savior complex or by pulling the old "poor me" routine out of my hat. I am a control freak, not because I want to control every move he makes (who really wants that type of responsibility for another adult, I surely don't, I don't even want to control my children to that extent), but because I think that he should be doing what *I* think is right and healthy for him and for our family. It sounds good and altruistic and all that rot. But it's still control. It's still my problem and not his. He does react to this. Just like I react to him in these ways. He uses my behavior as his excuse to go out and pound them back. Because I feel sorry for myself and he knows it, he drinks and says to himself, "Ugh my wife thinks I'm worthless, let me go close down the bar, drown my sorrows, yada yada." When I pull out the shrew thing he thinks, "oh she's impossible, she's a nag, she MAKES me drink with all that negativity." Blah blah, you get the picture. And I know this because I noticed this almost at the very beginning of the whole mess. That he uses me and MY behavior as ammunition. He will try to pick fights to get that excuse he needs. He can say to himself, "No wonder I drink, I'm married to HER". Just like on the flip side I used to say "No wonder my marriage stinks, I'm married to an alcoholic." It's all an excuse, but not quite. There's a partial truth there...
No, I didn't make him drink, but I'm provided the excuse he needs to lie to himself about it.
Last edited by FlwrofFrgttng; 02-19-2009 at 06:19 AM. Reason: clarification
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
