Night time
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Brokenheart, USA
Posts: 58
Night time
is the hardest time for me. I do well during the day but for some reason night time makes everything feel worse. I'm not doing as bad as I expected with this, much better than I expected in fact. I turned my cell phone off and the ringers on my house phones. I read stories to the boys (lots of stories, my oldest is in the postpone bedtime phase now), bathed them, cuddled them and put them to bed. Now I'm wandering around the house alone trying to keep my mind from racing and to keep myself from questioning my decision. I know the first few days of anything are the hardest. I want to stick to my guns but I don't want to set myself up for failure. I've decided to try to stop thinking ahead. Sometimes I think I have a problem myself because I can be in the middle of one situation and live through one million different possible outcomes of that situation in 30 seconds flat. I constantly get ahead of myself. I'm already worrying about tomorrow and tonight's not even over. I don't want to defeat myself before I start so I'm off to read a good book and have a hot cup of tea. After the tea and a chapter or two, I'll be hitting up the bed because otherwise I'll stay awake and worry about him all night long, then I'll want to call him to make sure he's okay. If I do that I know I'll just start the cycle all over again. I want this to stick, so I'll be sleeping instead. Sorry, just needed to sort out my thoughts.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 56
I completely relate to the feelings you have shared; and, though it's been two years now, I still get emotional/revved up sometimes about what happened, how he's doing, etc. 10:30PM was the witching hour for me. After doing the bedtime routine, finish up work, get ready for the morning routine....and then, I'd call. It started out simply, then I'd set myself up for some serious torture by asking some question, not liking the answer, cycle starts, I end up fetal and crying.
Until, I decided I'd had enough. (I did the first few months on Lexapro; It worked, but I didn't care for the side effects.) Al-Anon and SR were and are so important to me. being on-line here, kept me from revving up. Sometimes, SR posts would inspire me and I'd write down my feelings instead.
Calling was the worst idea. Being grateful for my amazing day, my beautiful sleeping children, my freedom from the stress of loving someone who didn't love me.. (oh! and I changed his name on my cell to "Don't do it! It's never worth it" as an additional defense) really helped me get past the late night blues.
Until, I decided I'd had enough. (I did the first few months on Lexapro; It worked, but I didn't care for the side effects.) Al-Anon and SR were and are so important to me. being on-line here, kept me from revving up. Sometimes, SR posts would inspire me and I'd write down my feelings instead.
Calling was the worst idea. Being grateful for my amazing day, my beautiful sleeping children, my freedom from the stress of loving someone who didn't love me.. (oh! and I changed his name on my cell to "Don't do it! It's never worth it" as an additional defense) really helped me get past the late night blues.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
When the kids are finally in bed and hings gt quiet, that is the time one's mind can try to take those roads you don't want to. There are all sorts of tricks you can use to train your mind not to go down the road of obsessive thoughts. Simple things like reading a good book. Or if a physical reminder to stop it is needed, put a rubber band on your wrist and snap it real good everytime you catch yourself obsessing or worrying. It works.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
My outlet was journaling. I got those obsessive thoughts out of my mind and down on paper. It really helped, and I learned a lot about myself in the process. I highly recommend it. 
L
L
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa 
My outlet was journaling. I got those obsessive thoughts out of my mind and down on paper. It really helped, and I learned a lot about myself in the process. I highly recommend it.
L
L
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
OK this may sound out of left field but it helped me get through an anxious time once:
Do you have a lot of old magazines? Or can you get some from neighbors or work?
Grab a stack and a scissors.
After the boys are asleep start going through and cutting out words, images, colors, anything that strikes a chord in you.
It is mindless busy work and I find that soothing.
Put all your clippings in a folder or envelope.
Keep going till you have lots and lots of clippings.
You know what's coming: poster board and glue stick!!!!
Make a great big loud and gorgeous collage of all the wonderful positive things you see for yourself in the future.
Put it wherever it will best serve to remind you of the bright future if you find yourself obsessing over the past or over things you cannot control.
I did this once when I was really low and full of anxiety. When I finished I put it on the back of my bedroom door. So no one really sees it except me and those closest to me when they are in my room and I close the door!
Many blue days over the years this collage has given me a boost.
And many of the things I put up there as "wishes" have come my way - not magically but by my own hard work and by me looking at this collage when I need a lift and it reminds me of the positive things I have set as goals for myself. (okay Viggo Mortenson and I still haven't hooked up...but a tiny pic of him in Lord of the Rings is still on there peeking out at me, makes me giggle!)
Knitting has also helped me, and exercise, when I feel like I'm gonna crawl out of my skin with anxiety...
Take it one day at a time - or one minute at a time if need be --
stay strong - keep your mind busy with positive thoughts! (((((hugs)))))
peace,
b
Do you have a lot of old magazines? Or can you get some from neighbors or work?
Grab a stack and a scissors.
After the boys are asleep start going through and cutting out words, images, colors, anything that strikes a chord in you.
It is mindless busy work and I find that soothing.
Put all your clippings in a folder or envelope.
Keep going till you have lots and lots of clippings.
You know what's coming: poster board and glue stick!!!!
Make a great big loud and gorgeous collage of all the wonderful positive things you see for yourself in the future.
Put it wherever it will best serve to remind you of the bright future if you find yourself obsessing over the past or over things you cannot control.
I did this once when I was really low and full of anxiety. When I finished I put it on the back of my bedroom door. So no one really sees it except me and those closest to me when they are in my room and I close the door!
Many blue days over the years this collage has given me a boost.
And many of the things I put up there as "wishes" have come my way - not magically but by my own hard work and by me looking at this collage when I need a lift and it reminds me of the positive things I have set as goals for myself. (okay Viggo Mortenson and I still haven't hooked up...but a tiny pic of him in Lord of the Rings is still on there peeking out at me, makes me giggle!)
Knitting has also helped me, and exercise, when I feel like I'm gonna crawl out of my skin with anxiety...
Take it one day at a time - or one minute at a time if need be --
stay strong - keep your mind busy with positive thoughts! (((((hugs)))))
peace,
b
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Lots of great ideas flwr....for me it was a game of keeping my mind occupied with other, more productive things. They say "one day at a time" but for me it was "five minutes at a time" Books, journaling, good movies, books on disc while I was falling asleep, yoga, anything that would work for a while, I did. And after a while, I didn't have to do those things much any more. YOu're right: the first few days are the hardest.
Focus on gratitude as much as you can. Be grateful for your cushy warm bed, your beautiful kids and their postpone-bedtime ritual (how awesome), for the warmth of your teacup and the serenity of no chaos.
I also have a thing I do on the worst nights, which I got from this group: I count my blessings alphabetically. I'm grateful for Al-Anon, Bedtime stories, Chamomile tea, D....... I usually get to about H and I'm sawing logs.
Hang in there.
Books, journaling, good movies, books on disc while I was falling asleep, yoga, anything that would work for a while, I did. And after a while, I didn't have to do those things much any more. YOu're right: the first few days are the hardest.Focus on gratitude as much as you can. Be grateful for your cushy warm bed, your beautiful kids and their postpone-bedtime ritual (how awesome), for the warmth of your teacup and the serenity of no chaos.
I also have a thing I do on the worst nights, which I got from this group: I count my blessings alphabetically. I'm grateful for Al-Anon, Bedtime stories, Chamomile tea, D....... I usually get to about H and I'm sawing logs.
Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: US
Posts: 49
Night time is a hard time for me too. At the end of the day when all is said and done, it is then when lonliness really sets in.
And lonliness and fear are like best friends for me. Awful!
It's a real shock to the system at first to be alone. It will get easier. The more you start to realize what peace feels like, the more you will be proud of yourself and your decsion to kick chaos and insanity out the door.
As for missing him, logic and emotions are sometimes at odds with eachother. It's ok to be sad and heartbroken. I hope you can really let yourself be sad about the real things though, not the things you "wish" were true about who he is.
Talking with a good friend or therapist is always good too in situations like these. You have just taken a huge step to changing the future for you and your children, you deserve all the love and support you can get! When I worry obsessively about things it's usually because I am handeling too much on my own. I use to joke that it was sad to have to pay someone to listen to me, or help me(a counselor), but I just had a shortage of good people in my life. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do if you really want a better life. Honestly I hope you have someone to share all these burdens with, who loves you unconditionally and wants to see you happy. I know we do here on this site, but you are gonna need real life reinforcement. And do not forget Al-anon meetings too! You need others!
Stay strong. So glad you wrote tonight. Remember that you deserve soooo much more than what you have been living in, and the only way to make that happen w/him or anyone else is by what you are doing now.
I hope you get some rest soon....
And lonliness and fear are like best friends for me. Awful!It's a real shock to the system at first to be alone. It will get easier. The more you start to realize what peace feels like, the more you will be proud of yourself and your decsion to kick chaos and insanity out the door.
As for missing him, logic and emotions are sometimes at odds with eachother. It's ok to be sad and heartbroken. I hope you can really let yourself be sad about the real things though, not the things you "wish" were true about who he is.
Talking with a good friend or therapist is always good too in situations like these. You have just taken a huge step to changing the future for you and your children, you deserve all the love and support you can get! When I worry obsessively about things it's usually because I am handeling too much on my own. I use to joke that it was sad to have to pay someone to listen to me, or help me(a counselor), but I just had a shortage of good people in my life. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do if you really want a better life. Honestly I hope you have someone to share all these burdens with, who loves you unconditionally and wants to see you happy. I know we do here on this site, but you are gonna need real life reinforcement. And do not forget Al-anon meetings too! You need others!
Stay strong. So glad you wrote tonight. Remember that you deserve soooo much more than what you have been living in, and the only way to make that happen w/him or anyone else is by what you are doing now.
I hope you get some rest soon....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Brokenheart, USA
Posts: 58
AH showed up at the door tonight wanting to "talk". I'm tired of hearing lies. I told him again that I'm jumping off that merry-go-round and that he's welcome to take his things and do an about face out the door (I said it nicely tho, I was really trying to avoid an argument because that's always how I get sucked back in). He gathered up his things slooooooooowly. I still didn't say anything to him other than asking him not to wake the baby since I had just settled him in for the second time. Before he left he blew and tried to get the drama rolling. I did very well at first using some of the things that I've read on here, but then he threw the marriage/children card in my face and something inside of me snapped. I told him don't dare try to throw the importance of marriage, etc in my face because if he truly had a care for any of it or any of us he'd stop and think about what it is he's doing. Gah, he knows what buttons to press and I fall for it every time. I've GOT to learn to control my temper and guard my mouth. After a few more minutes of raging I came back to myself and just let him keep talking while I counted in my head. Almost had another bad moment when he accused me of trying to be his "mother" and control him by putting him out. Ok... how do you figure? When he was finished I told him I'd be sure to think about what he said and asked him to leave. He left. I'll be leaving the ringers off and my cell off for another few days. I didn't do as well as I hoped but hey, I'm new to this. At least I stuck to my guns, right? That's something to be proud of.
Last edited by FlwrofFrgttng; 02-18-2009 at 08:55 PM. Reason: expansion
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 202
I think you did awesome tonight!!!
I have left and came back at least 5 times and was never strong enough to stay away. I wish I would have had SR for those times. Every time I went back, I would say to myself, "What did I just do?" It was like I didn't even know how it happened.
Please stay as self-aware as you are and feel your feelings. You know the only way to get past it is to go through it. Be stronger than I was--you already have it in you. I think you are great!!
I have left and came back at least 5 times and was never strong enough to stay away. I wish I would have had SR for those times. Every time I went back, I would say to myself, "What did I just do?" It was like I didn't even know how it happened.
Please stay as self-aware as you are and feel your feelings. You know the only way to get past it is to go through it. Be stronger than I was--you already have it in you. I think you are great!!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Lexington, Ky USA
Posts: 44
You did GREAT last night!!! Bottom line-- he left...you were wonderful!! Weekends are my hard times. I asked my stbxah to move in August. My girls are 15 and 17 so they're old enough to have a life of their own and don't rely on me like little ones do. On weekends they're off with their friends and having fun. I've picked up refinishing furniture again. And people pay me to do their stuff. Woot Woot!! Psychologically I think I like to make something pretty out of something that's been worn too much. How's that for deep thinking early in the morning?? And only on one cup of coffee too!
Flwr find something that you can get lost in, lots of great ideas in this thread and you're strong, remember that too!!
Flwr find something that you can get lost in, lots of great ideas in this thread and you're strong, remember that too!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Brokenheart, USA
Posts: 58
I used to have a lot of hobbies before I had the boys. I've been neglecting doing things that *I* like to do because of lack of time and just generally not feeling like it. I'll have to start them up again. Especially painting. I miss that.
I'll probably start journalling like some of you suggested as well. I used to journal years ago. I'll have to take it up again. Maybe it will help me to get some of this anger out and to keep my thoughts organized.
I'll probably start journalling like some of you suggested as well. I used to journal years ago. I'll have to take it up again. Maybe it will help me to get some of this anger out and to keep my thoughts organized.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Brokenheart, USA
Posts: 58
Originally Posted by GiveLove
Lots of great ideas flwr....for me it was a game of keeping my mind occupied with other, more productive things. They say "one day at a time" but for me it was "five minutes at a time" Books, journaling, good movies, books on disc while I was falling asleep, yoga, anything that would work for a while, I did. And after a while, I didn't have to do those things much any more. YOu're right: the first few days are the hardest.
Focus on gratitude as much as you can. Be grateful for your cushy warm bed, your beautiful kids and their postpone-bedtime ritual (how awesome), for the warmth of your teacup and the serenity of no chaos.
I also have a thing I do on the worst nights, which I got from this group: I count my blessings alphabetically. I'm grateful for Al-Anon, Bedtime stories, Chamomile tea, D....... I usually get to about H and I'm sawing logs.
Hang in there.
Books, journaling, good movies, books on disc while I was falling asleep, yoga, anything that would work for a while, I did. And after a while, I didn't have to do those things much any more. YOu're right: the first few days are the hardest.Focus on gratitude as much as you can. Be grateful for your cushy warm bed, your beautiful kids and their postpone-bedtime ritual (how awesome), for the warmth of your teacup and the serenity of no chaos.
I also have a thing I do on the worst nights, which I got from this group: I count my blessings alphabetically. I'm grateful for Al-Anon, Bedtime stories, Chamomile tea, D....... I usually get to about H and I'm sawing logs.
Hang in there.
I tried this ABC list last night. I remember getting to L and then somehow going back to H. Got to L a second time (hey I must have been half asleep) and conked out for the night. Think I'll try this every night. It makes it much easier to turn my brain off and rest.
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