Brizzlegal

I have been with my AGF for nearly two years. I accept that she is an alcoholic and I've done everything I can think of to learn about her condition and empathise with her. Things came to a head a month ago, when yet again she went off and got drunk. She went through my stuff, took cigarettes and money off me ('borrowed them'). I am so fed up with it so I finished with her. Monday she contacted me and asked if I would take her back, promising she will get help, sort herself out. She reckons she wants me much more than she wants a drink and she'll do anything. Well, yeah, I fell for it again!! She was supposed to be coming to my place to talk it over today. I have spent all afternoon waiting in for her. I cooked a lovely meal. I knew this morning her car had a flat tyre and she was supposed to be sorting it out. So 5 hours later, after ringing her and her not answering the phone (and then hanging up on me and then not answering again!) she tells me she's not coming, she can't the car is not working. Anyway I can tell by the conversation that she was drinking. She denied it but said she was on the pot and had spent the afternoon with her mate driving around doing who knows what. She also admitted that yesterday she drank 6 or 7 beers. So now I just feel like a stupid mug. I feel like she just fobs me off with her tales of how much she loves me and how serious she is to want to stop drinking. But I just don't believe her any more. So it's my sanity or hers. I've had enough of the tears, the lies, the deceit and my friends telling me what a fool I am. I can't stand the thought of deserting her and I know that me leaving her will lead to more drinks but I've had it. Any kind thoughts or nuggets of inspiration will be gratefully received. Thanks for listening.

loverof1

All I can say is that I wish I had the balls you have to walk away. If I didnt have as many strings attached...I would have left long ago. You deserve more...go out there and find it.

Hugs...from one sober significant other to another.

CAPTAINZING2000

You'll never be first in her heart as long as she's a drinking!!

Ago

Welcome to SR

I found the stickies up at the top helpful

I could have written your post when I got here...

Wait I did....it just happened to be about 3 pages longer....

that pretty much covers it for me as well

I left and she went psycho

(joking but it's the truth actually)

It's a new life now, I am SO much happier...but that's just me.

Welcome

cmc

Hi Brizzlegal and welcome to SR. I reached a turning point in my recovery, also referred to as 'hitting bottom' once I realized that nothing I did could change someone else; and the longer I tried- the less there was of my own health, finances and sanity. I needed to change my thinking and my actions- coming here and attending Al-Anon help me to do that and maintain my own well being.
She will do what she wants regardless of you. I would not refer my staying away from toxic people and situations as desertion. It took a lot of time and work on myself to reach the point where I can detach myself from what others do that is harmful to me.

lovtolaff

Nope it's not just you - it's ME too! I too walked away from my abf because it was affecting my mental and physical health.

I tried EVERYTHING to "help" him - nothing worked and you know why? He didn't think he needed help. I also fell for the "I'll quit" or "I'll cut down" several times during our relationship.

I'm 8 months out and I'm happier than I've been in a really LONG time.

Peace and strength to you.

freya

Welcome to SR!

For what it's worth, I congratulate you on making the healthy decision and taking care of yourself. The Captain is right -- as long as an alcoholic/addict is active, their primary attachment is to their drug of choice...anything and anyone esle comes in a d-i-s-t-a-n-t second, and that usually only isofar as it/they are useful to the A in protecting/furthering their habit.

And, just so you know for future reference, even if an alcoholic puts down the drink, that is only the beginning of recovery....It's easy for those of us who don't know about and have never dealt with alcoholism/addiction in our life to think that "Well, the alcohols' the problem," but, in fact, it is not. The alcohol is the alcoholic's solution to his/her problems, and putting it down just allows the underlying problems to come to the surface. I'm telling you this just in case your A actually decides to try to stop drinking "to get you back." I mean, that's great for a start, and it deserves your support -- from a safe-for-you-distance, but as far as getting back into intimate relationship with a person in early recovery, I personally would wait until that person at least makes it through Step 9...because if you think living with an active A is bad, you don't even want to try to imagine what it's like living with a dry-drunk (i.e. with an alcoholic who is not drinking but not recovering either).

Been there, done that --- really, really do not recommend it!

freya

P.S. As an actice A, she's already lost her sanity -- no reason for you to follow her there!

P.P.S. Anything except for her own sincere commitment to a program of recovery is going to lead her to more drinks -- you really have nothing to do with it. I know that sounds harsh, but it's the truth.

Brizzlegal

Actually I'm not nearly so brave as I sound. We have broken up many times before. She is a binge drinker, is on the wagon for 2,3,4, 5 months (no pattern) so it's like living with a timebomb. We made the decision not to live together early on so we could get space if we needed it. In betweeen times she can be a miserable bear and I find myself pussyfooting around her so as not to upset her in case it drives her to drink. She won't go to AA cos the meetings are evenings and she is tired and in any case she says she's not as bad as the people there, she says she only drinks now and again. She won't go to the Dr in case she loses her driving licence. I only hope I have the strength and the faith to see this through. If she loved me so much she would at least make an effort to get help.

Wouldn't she?

LaTeeDa

In my experience, addiction and love have absolutely nothing to do with each other.

Some wise words someone once told me--He's not doing it TO you, he's just doing it.

L

suzieq1972

She's not going to get help until SHE'S ready. And, she's not going to do it for you or anyone else. She'll have to do it for herself.

It doesn't how matter how much we love our A's or how much they say they love us. As long as they are actively using their true love is alcohol (or drugs, or whatever their addiction may be). I thought my XAH loved me enough to stop drinking, after all we'd been together since high school. We were high school sweethearts. Didn't that count for something? Truth was, it didn't. In his mind all that mattered was his next drink or scoring his next drug. Until he's truly ready to quit, it just won't happen. And until they truly love themselves they're not capable of loving anyone else. Sad, but true.


We have to love ourselves too. We have to love ourselves enough not to tolerate the behaviors of the addict. Just like it's not easy for them, it's not easy for us either.

I wish you luck.



Sue