TakingCharge999

Sorry but I need to vent

I accept it bothers me when people tell me that
When will I learn not to share my confidences with people that have never been close to addiction? When???

I just think everyone has this superpowers or never invested themselves emotionally so they can just "move on" from one day to the other.

I want THAT capability !!

:wtf2

Barbara52

It's hard when people say stupid things like that. I think a lot of the time it's because they don't know what would be "right" to say and mean well. But that doesn't help when what you hear is someone telling you to (basically) "get over it already." {hugs}

TakingCharge999

Thank you Barb 52... thanks a lot.

I guess they mean well. Personally I am tired of it. I asked this person if he ever left an A or was close to addiction. He said No, of course. I changed the subject..

This same "friend" told me my ex was happy, the OW was happy and I was the only one suffering..... perhaps he was trying to make me angry and move forward out of my anger. This friend is sick or sicker than me I just realized... I need to get more distanced and get closer to Melodie Beattie!!

Those "moments" are the ones where I feel very lonely...addicition is all about loneliness isn't it? when the partner inflicts pain you are alone, when you leave you are alone, during the aftermath you are alone...

On Friday this person told me "everyone in our group" our (ex)common friends (who I no longer talk to unless strictly necessary) thinks I've been mourning too much time.. once again this "phrase"... and I said Damn, I cannot even mourn in serenity, because everybody sees my glances, how my attitude changed, how I no longer laugh etc. at work and of course more power to the XAH - as if my sadness reflected ohhh what a catch he was. But OK. He and them will think what they will, right. He asked me why I did not walk by their area anymore without a care just like anyone else.Well, I have not needed to work with anyone over there. I hate it that I am like in the LimeLight. I miss work related stuff and no it could not be I have happened to have other plans, its because I do not want to see the ex.... its just madness. I am trying to create a new circle of people worth my time...

If I am getting better why do I feel like the one who is failing? Some food for thought for me... thanks for your support..

(hugs) !!

Barbara52

This is a bit of a generalization but I am seeing more and more that a whole lot of people out there stumble through life dealing with "stuff" on a surface level. When someone who starts peeking below the surface comes along, well that person is seen as the one with a "problem" not the ones who are skating along on thin ice without awareness.

I think the beginning stages of self awareness and better mental health often make us feel like we are the ones who are "different", that we know we are getting better but it doesn't fit the norms in society.

Leave addiction out the equation. Think of the number of people who go from relationship to relationship with hardly a break inbetween to examine why the relationship failed and to heal form the pain of that breakup. Think of the number of people who go thru daily life ignoring problems and pretending all is good. A lot of people live life only part way. Getting to a fuller life seems odd to them. And the process of getting to that fuller life can be long and difficult.

You are where you are meant to be right now, learning what you need to learn right now. Don't let others expectations set the standard for what you want. Only you can do that.

Ago

When I was going through a pretty significant Grief phase, first of all, I chose who I spoke to wisely, secondly, I realized it was my choice to remain "stuck", no matter how much I thought about it, I couldn't seem to "get over it", it actually took me taking action, attending meetings, getting back out there in the world, "fake it till you make it".....eventually I crawled out of my cage.

Ultimately I realized the grief wasn't about this other person, it was about hopes, dreams, "issues" and aspirations...it was about me.....it was about my faith in myself, it was about being angry at a God I didn't believe in...I lost faith in everything, myself ultimately...Jack Kornfield writes that this happens with his most skilled students, and it takes years to recover from, but ultimately they end up his most skilled students eventually.

It took me five years.

Someone sent me a photo from this time yesterday that I didn't know existed...Although I am at a party or out with friends I started crying when I saw the pain on my face.

I had lost 50 pounds in thirty days, my cheekbones were clearly apparent...I normally weighed 180 lbs, I was 130 in this photo....

For me, there is a fine line between "wallow" and "process" that I have to watch for continually, I had friends also saying "it's time to get over it" and "you choose how happy you are ultimately" and while these statements were both true and valid, the truth is I wasn't ready to see until I could see, and I wasn't ready to hear, until I could hear.

It takes what it takes, sometimes longer then others, and while doors open and doors close, the hallways are a b1tch, I've spent so much time in "the hallways" in my life I felt like getting a decorator.

The important thing for me was to use this time of pain, of suffering, to use my pain as a Goad to make the changes necessary in me, in my life, to never have to go through that again, to find out what, in me, had caused these things, because eventually I stopped hurting, and when I stopped hurting, I also stopped being willing to make changes.

TakingCharge999

Thanks Ago and Barb
I really needed to hear your wisdom today.

Choosing who I share with
Accepting my life is unmanageable / Accept I cannot do it alone
Focusing on the next right thing to do
Doing some stuff I always wanted to do but I was told by the XAH I couldn't - and believed him (not a healthy motivation but helps me understand I am who I decide to be at any given time)
Read SR and Melodie Beattie

Are my"actions" now and with them I have enough. I know this experience was the last one in a string of failed relations, much hurt and accumulated hatred.

I mean if it was one night stand and I was mourning years it would be inappropiate, but for me this feels appropiate and covers much more than the last events.

Thanks for reminding me I need no ones validation or opinion about how deep I will undertake a process and how long I will take to learn from it.

I know what you mean by using pain in order to change. I was as well too stuck in the superficial level until the pain is too big I cannot help but look at it, so that helps me not to judge others (aka exAH) that are skating and having the time of their life.

I will too someday and it will be worth every moment and "bad" day, and it will endure. Thanks for reminding me what my life will be about after the storm passes. You are of great help.

felicidade

Thanks to all in this thread. I really needed this strength right now.

TakingCharge999

I am right there with you, felicidade.

Ago

Which, by the way, led to further suffering

I hear people sharing about Humility, and being honest, willing and open minded, and it's all I can do not to burst into laughter sometimes when they share how effortlessly they acquire these traits

I have never "let go" of anything that didn't have bloody scratch marks all over it, and I have never been honest and humble, not REALLY REALLY honest and Humble and willing and open minded without first being bludgeoned into it.

I am of course, speaking for myself here, but I need to remember that pain is the touchstone of all spiritual growth, now with me and my friends, if one of us is having a particularly hard time, we say "oh him...he's entering a growth stage"...because it's true, and we all do it. Everyone.

TakingCharge999

"it's time to get over it"

Oh I just got that one from a coworker.... and no, I was not mentioning anything... but she knows the story and saw my fluffy eyes..

Hey people, focus on your own stuff!!

If I wear make up and act happy "seems like I am trying too hard"
If I do not give a damn its "oh make a little effort"
.....

Beam me up, Scottie.

TakingCharge999

Ago, your friends sound nicer than mine.

I have found several spiritually oriented friends that "get it" even if they were not involved with addictions. They are also great comfort and instead of those comments they say "letting go is a lesson we are always learning through life" OK that makes more sense and makes me feel better...

I at least know what I will NOT say when someone has his or her heart broken.

One good thing from all this is that I can offer more support to anyone that needs me / I listen and never ask them to deny their current feelings. Making me win more real friends and trust

Freedom1990

My sponsor often reminds me we live in a dysfunctional world.

I'm very careful who I open up to about my feelings because there are a lot of people out there who aren't safe to be vulnerable with.

TakingCharge999

You are right Freedom... sick people giving advice to sick people.. we cannot expect much huh



Thanks for all the reminders, feels good I am not alone after all.
:ghug

JenT1968

LOL, sorry, that mental image had me choking on my coffee because it is so true for me. I am a Stubborn and Slow emotional learner. I get stuck, I learn lessons hard and often when I think I've got them nailed, I have to go and learn them AGAIN. If there's a mistake to be made: a wrong turn, a blind alley: I'm there (....again....).

I like to think I take the high road, but actually I (and I am talking about me here) take the bloody stupid road, with a blindfold on, and earmuffs, and I run around like a headless chicken shouting.

I imagine all of that is very hard for people around me to watch. I can see why they get frustrated with me sometimes, although of course that is their issue, I can only go as fast as I can go. for my own sanity I have to let go of their reactions too..

but you know that.

can I ask why it bugs you so much that people say this? I often find (for me) the things that bug me the most are those that I believe on some level are true. Do you think you are stuck?
:ghug

again, I ask because I get frustrated with myself for not moving on quicker, for getting things faster.

bookwyrm

Suffering through the ignorant, painful and shallow comments you've been at the end of you're still finding meaning and good use from them!

I have found new friends in places I never expected as my home life disintegrated. I believe that this is a side effect of changing me. I hope that you too can find even more friends who can be true friends!

TakingCharge999

Hi thanks for your replies, I read and read this thread again and again...

I was thinking about how I get angry so easily and I realized it is because I know I have made extraordinary efforts to keep on in life infront of difficulties, first off deciding to leave and actually leaving him, then trying to ignore how he and his friends have talked about me and my issues, keeping on my work (granted not the best one in the world), getting another one (almost lost it as well but doing it better now!!), moving to another apartment (and moving again now..), starting over in a new city, well, dealing with change, and dealing with bad vibes the best way possible... and I feel those efforts are disregarded!! like everybody else had to go through this, processed it, changed and is happy now and I am the one "unable" to do it...

I realize that we cannot compare people and if one would be possible it would be like the exAH realizing his problems and stopping drinking and keeping it up day by day.. OK now that would NOT be skating and would take time, wouldn't it...


I realized I am angry because in reality I AM the one who disregards the extremely great efforts I have done these weeks to stay put and together (failing this many times but pusing myself to do it other times) regardless of what the exAH does, a.k.a. talk about his sex life almost infront of me, taking the new gf at work etc etc..... (you would not imagine how sweet he was with me before this strange Hyde took over)

Not leaving the job.. I ALMOST left.. but sometimes the only thing that got me going was the fact I DID NOT want to make the exAhs life easier and leaving the job would have meant giving him ALL the control...

I am having problems believing I did what I could... but its true... I NEVER lied to him, cheated, abused his trust... it was ALL his doing and he KNOWS it... ok I enabled his drinking but started to stop that and that was when he was cruel with me. I could have never anticipated that right?

What bothers me is how he can twist what happened and make it all MY problem, how the others believe it and above else how I BELIEVE HIS VERSION of stuff... ok so not even I support myself! This is madness!!

ANYHOW.. I will start recognizing my strength and how I have gone through this and improving, it will be a test so when someone else comes and says it I may be able to let it go...

A dear friend just stopped his own mourning. It took him 11 years.

Thanks for making me reflect on this... not sure if it made sense but your replies help me a lot.

Hugs to everyone!