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Reading these postings today with conflicting emotions

Old 02-15-2009, 06:44 AM
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Unhappy Reading these postings today with conflicting emotions

Wow, here I am again. I wrote in July and I read EVERY day. I was at a breaking point with my STBAH over the Summer. I wrote and found my strength through you all. I gave him the option of rehab or divorce in July. He moved out in August - since of course he didn't need rehab - I have the house but he did take 70 percent of the joint income with him. I'm struggling tremendously. He deposits the child support religously every two weeks, but there is no alimony in KY. I'm not behind in my mortgage or car payment, but my credit cards - well,there's just no way I can pay on them. I looked into the credit counseling thing, but even that payment is too much for me. Eating is not an over rated thing ya know? I've looked for a second job with no luck and I applied for EBT but haven't heard from them yet. I have a question for anyone who's gone through bankruptcy. If I file, will I lose my house and car too? And on this valentines day I read the posts of others with so many mixed emotions....since he left, he hasn't asked me to take him back, not once. Over twenty years and he just moves on with his life. I'm not really sure which is worse psychologically....him begging me to take him back and sending flowers (as some say in postings today) or just being tossed away as if our life together was insignificant. That's what is so overwhelming emotionally. Anyway, thank you all. I appreciate coming on here and reading, even though I've only posted a few times.
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Old 02-15-2009, 06:51 AM
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Sorry you are having such a difficult time!! I filed Bankruptcy many years ago...I didn't owna house at the time but I was able to keep my 2 cars and didn't have to lose any property. I did file chapter 7 which is complete bankruptcy (i don't even know if they have that anymore). Look in your local yellow pages and an attorney should be able to steer you in the right direction. Good luck.

Courtney
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Old 02-15-2009, 07:52 AM
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I am not an expert, but I suggest to call the credit card companies and try to negotiate lower payments or a payment break. In this economy, they might be glad to get something, however little. It's worth a try.

Hang in there and good luck!
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Old 02-15-2009, 08:03 AM
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I've tried, believe me. I tried getting the due date changed, I've asked for a lower payment--knowing it will take the rest of my life to pay off that way, but to no avail....I have like 100 dollars after utilities to make it the rest of the month. For food, for lunch money for my kids, gas, prescriptions everything.... I'm sorry, I just am so frustrated that he can just leave and not look back.....Oh lord. I'm scared. My girls know that it's tight - very tight, but I WILL not take their paychecks (my oldest has to pay her own gas and car insurance etc-- I will not take her money for bills.) but they don't know I have the dead feeling in the pit of my stomach at all times. They don't need to see me terrified about life in general...I won't do that to them. <<deep breath>> OK, I'm better now...... I have learned to compartmentalize tho.... wow, do I do that well.... tuck things away and not think about them... it's the only way I can get through some days....
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Old 02-15-2009, 08:10 AM
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Kittycat.......wanted to offer hugs and support. It probably doesn't seem like it now, but it is a gift that he is not begging you back. As you know from living with an alcoholic for over 2 decades, the manipulation can be very seductive, and even though you feel you have the strength to withstand it, jumping back into the insanity would put you right back to where you were when you first found SR. Play the tape the whole way through. You are a strong, valuable woman, and no amount of swooning and flowers from an addict can fill that hole in your heart.......only you can do that.

Take care of you!
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Old 02-15-2009, 08:12 AM
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I am so sorry! Is there a foodbank in your area or churches who provide assistance with food, bill pay, prescriptions, etc? You are entitled to any help you can get.

:ghug3
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Old 02-15-2009, 08:14 AM
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My mind knows that.... my heart wants to know I'm (or ever was) loved. I miss being loved... my kids love me I KNOW that, but it's different....
And I use Angel Foods, but can't afford that right now. Not alot of people know about that, BTW--- look into it if you can. http://www.angelfoodministries.com/


UGH!!!
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Old 02-15-2009, 08:17 AM
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I believe most all of us were loved, until our SO's were lured away by the mistress in the bottle.
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Old 02-15-2009, 08:30 AM
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KittyCat, have you looked into Second Harvest? They might be in your area and I believe their food is free.

I love Kentucky! I used to live in the Midwest and I always enjoyed going to Kentucky for a weekend! Ok, that was random.

All the best to you!
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Old 02-15-2009, 08:32 AM
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random is good sometimes.
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Old 02-15-2009, 09:02 AM
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Consult with a bankruptcy lawyer. Thast will give you the answers you need. Most will consult and not charge unless you sg up to actually do the bankruptcy. Since there are different types and different ways, what yu retain nd what you get out of varies. In most cases you do not lose your house, vehicles or persona possessions.
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Old 02-15-2009, 09:18 AM
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Thank you Barabara I value you. You are such a help to so many as I've read the past year. Thank you SO much.
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Old 02-15-2009, 10:36 AM
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kittycat - For what it's worth I had to file bankruptcy myself for all the same reasons that you mentioned in your post. I hired an attorney initially who took my money and never filed anything on my behalf. I ended up filing a complaint with the state's bar association to get my retainer back from him, and I then filed on my own. It took very little time at all to do. Individuals file on their own everyday because they cannot afford an attorney or, as in my case, didn't want one. I'm on my way now to get my financial health on track, and you can get there, too. Just wanted to share that it can be done.

I had a thought as well about your A moving on with his life without you. Don't be too sad about him not begging or sending flowers. Turning one's back is also a way to manipulate another person.

If my horse won't let me catch him. I turn and walk away. He follows me to the gate every time.

It doesn't sound to me like you're missing out on the gravitation pull an addicted loved one has. He has just kept you missing him and wanting his attention (good or bad) in another way.

Peace

Alice
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Old 02-15-2009, 10:59 AM
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Just a thought: If you got the house, is there any room for boarders? This would bring in extra income.

CLMI
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Old 02-15-2009, 12:02 PM
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I've seriously thoought about it, but I have my girls in the house too. And that makes me nervous.
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Old 02-15-2009, 02:39 PM
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Hi kitty well maybe a girl student with a number of references...

I wanted to tell you I feel the same pain of having the ex move on without any regard and being so cruel and heartless towards me and what we had.
It is not certain if love was ever there and everyone keeps telling me he used me. But well, i used him as well, to distract myself and not take charge of my own life. No victims here...

I miss my guy dearly. I do not miss my AH. When I think of all the promises and trips and great stuff we planned together and how he is enjoying that with someone else, I remember that she will also have to put up with the deceit, the lies, the verbal abuse, the element of surprise trusting and trusting thinking she is having fun and BAM... and all the following hurt and madness... no one deserves that hell.... so please.. please remember he is sick, and the addiction is moving him as a puppet, and he COULD get help but chooses not to.... Dr Jekyll comes with Mr Hyde, and we are worth more than living our life afraid of Mr Hyde. I agree its a hidden blessing we are not tempted back. I for one know I would fall again, trying to believe MY great guy is back. Until BAM, something would happen again... its an endless cycle hon and your life is worth more than that.

Remember the good stuff, learn, and leave the rest, if you are able to do it please let me know how. I am sorry you are having difficult times but here I am in sunny Mexico thinking of you.

Lots of hugs!!
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Old 02-16-2009, 04:12 AM
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Thank you Dreamer. I know I don't want him back as he is-- you're right though, I dearly miss the man I married and the plans and hopes we had. What a waste....
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Old 02-16-2009, 07:44 AM
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20 years? Aren't they his bills too? Talk to a lawyer. Being strapped for cash makes it hard to think.

Good luck, & Blessed be
Linda
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Old 02-16-2009, 11:35 AM
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kittykat- just know you aren't alone in your sadness over his ability to move out and on so "easily." My STBXAH did the same- no remorse, no begging, no sadness- after 18 years. I was hurt about that for a long time- wasn't I worth the fight? Wasn't I worth a little begging? A little action??? I got zip. I used to feel jealous of others' stories of the manipulations- but I know better now. I am grateful I didn't get any of it- who knows where I would be now? It's made it easier- if I can say that- to move on. I know I am worth so much more than STBXAH ever gave me, and I will work on becoming the healthy person I want to be without him. I wish you well- I have no advice about bankruptcy- just wanted to let you know I experienced the same emotionless black hole. Yes- it hurts sometimes, but I look at it as a gift.
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